Right like Funghola FirdaySubmitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-06-27 14:35:24 EDT
Rating: 1.6 on 24 ratings (24 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I was sitting in my sink on a Friday afternoon. It was hot, but I wasn’t sitting in the sink because I was hot, I was sitting in the sink because the badgers had me cornered there.
The badgers shouldn’t have been in the house at all. I’d told Jacob not to feed them past midnight, or this would happen. He didn’t listen. He never listens to anything I say, and now I’m sitting in a sink surrounded by thirsty badgers.
If I let the badgers drink from the sink, they’ll be hungry again, and then they’ll eat me. They’ve already eaten Jacob, and I can’t call him for help because he’s busy putting himself back together after traveling through their digestive tracts.
I call my faithful cat to the rescue. Chairman Meow no longer has balls, but he definitely has balls. He doesn’t have claws anymore, but he’s been secretly infused with adamantium razor claws, generously donated by the Raptor Jesus.
The room lights up bright with the light of Raptor Jesus, and everything is peaceful because he doesn’t want a bloodbath in my kitchen. He doesn’t want a bloodbath, not because he’s against violence against badgers, but he knows that I’ll threaten to convert to Hinduism if he doesn’t clean it up.
The badgers reverted to their normal earthworm forms and crawled out the back-door and into the earthworm wrangling pens. Chairman Meow hopped into my lap, looked up and said “Too bad asshole Raptor Jesus had to show up, I was just getting hungry.”
Then my mom came out, smoking her trademark blunt and milds, and telling me that I needed to clean up the worm trails in her kitchen. She’s always telling me things like that.
Out of nowhere, a tornado came through and destroyed the world, resulting in a happy ending for all.
Chairman Meow non-lookalike except for being badass.jpg