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Catch Me Fuck Me

Submitted by X54 at 2008-06-29 11:57:17 EDT
Rating: 1.73 on 101 ratings (101 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When I was ten years old I saw The Green Berets starring John Wayne. From then on I knew my function in life was to stalk the jungle and kill commies. When I was seventeen I joined the Army with my parents' reluctant consent. There were no slots available for the Green Berets so on the recruiter's recommendation I signed up for the Rangers instead.

Anyone could sign up for the Rangers. In order to weed out the "Hollywood" types and other pogues who didn't belong there was a three week Ranger Indoctrination Program (RIP) that had to be passed after jump school. The instructors at RIP were volunteers from the Ranger battalion. Their job, theoretically, was to teach us what we needed to know to be Rangers, things like patrolling, knot tying, rappelling, etc..

In reality, their objective was to get two thirds of us to quit. Those who did quit were sent "down the road" to "leg-land" (a non-airborne infantry unit at Fort Lewis). Those who passed were assigned to the 2/75th Ranger battalion. Those who neither passed nor quit were recycled to try again.

There were twelve of us in my RIP class who had just finished jump school, plus two or three others who had been recycled and were going through RIP for the second time. On arrival we were assigned "Ranger buddies." Under no circumstance were we ever to be more than an arm's length away from our Ranger buddy. The penalty for failing to follow this rule was a thick rope, four feet long, with a hangman's noose on each end which had to be worn around the offenders' necks until someone else violated the rule. There was even a three-way noose for a three-man buddy team in case of an odd number of Rippees.

My Ranger buddy was a short, muscular guy from Los Angeles named Busey. Busey had a jaw like a pit-bull and a slow, tenacious personality to match. He had suffered some sort of injury in a motorcycle accident which, he claimed, should have excluded him from the infantry. Somehow he'd obtained a waiver. He seemed awfully glad to be in RIP.

Our primary instructors were Sgt Franklin and Cpl Dobbs. Sgt Franklin was large and loud, with a very short temper. He seemed incapable of speaking to us in any tone of voice short of a bellow. He was never without a large wad of tobacco in his mouth, and he would bellow with a funny sort of accent in order not to spit it out: "Rainja! Wha is yo maijah malfunction?"

Cpl Dobbs was smaller and quieter, but he had a sarcastic streak that would have put any highway patrolman to shame. He would ask us, after some minor infraction, in a voice dripping with a mixture of amazement and contempt, "Ranger, are you as dumb as you wanna be?" He would then order us to do 25 pushups--plus one for the Big Ranger in the Sky--with our feet elevated on whatever object was nearby: a chair, a table, the top of a bunk bed or even against the trunk of a tree.

We were never allowed to walk, but always had to run. If we weren't running, we were standing at parade rest or attention. Every morning our instructors woke us at zero-four-hundred hours by flinging metal trash cans across the barracks and banging the lids like cymbals. Then we were required to run miles and miles singing crude cadences:

Napalm, napalm sticks like glue
It burns Russians and Arabs too
It melts the flesh and it chars the bone
We like it best 'cause it's home grown

If, as was often the case, we failed to sing loudly enough we would stop and do "flutter kicks," usually in a large puddle. We would lie on our backs with our feet raised up and our knees locked, kicking in cadence while Sgt Franklin and Cpl Dobbs amused themselves by standing on whatever part of our torsos were above water, stepping from man to man without getting their feet wet. We learned to sound off with extra enthusiasm whenever we approached a large puddle.

We ate our meals at the Sixty-Second Med mess hall, so called not only because it was run by the 62nd Medical Battalion, but also because we were allowed only 60 seconds to eat. If any one of us took more than the allotted time we were all made to low-crawl on our bellies from the mess hall back to our barracks.

Our classroom was on the second floor, but we weren’t allowed to walk up the stairs to get there. Rather, we had to scale a cargo net, climb through a window, and then low-crawl to our desks.

After our training was done for the day we would stay up late cleaning the barracks and preparing for the following day. We were required to sew "Ranger Eyes" onto the backs of our patrol caps: two pieces of rectangular luminous tape, each sewn on with 12 individual knots (a square knot with two half-hitches) using waxed dental floss. These were inspected each morning.

We tried to memorize The Ranger Creed and Standing Orders, Roger's Rangers. At any time we were liable to be accosted by one of our instructors demanding that we regurgitate some portion of these sacred charters.

"Ranger! What's the first order of Roger's Standing Orders?"

In our sleep-starved state we could rarely manage to do more than stammer, "Sergeant! The first order of Roger's Standing Orders is...uh..."

"What's wrong, Ranger? Are you as dumb as you wanna be?"

"No Sergeant! I mean, yes Sergeant! I mean, I don't know, Sergeant!"

"You don't know? What do you mean, you don't know! Didn't you read Roger's Standing Orders? Or did you decide to go to sleep instead?"

"No Sergeant! Yes Sergeant! I read them, Sergeant!"

"Then what is Roger's First Standing Order?"

"I forgot, Sergeant!"

It was to our instructors utmost delight that we would forget Roger's First Standing Order was, "Don't forget nothing." They would roar, "Beat your face!" and we would elevate our feet and do 25 pushups, plus one for the Big Ranger in the Sky; and our Ranger Buddy, who was never more than an arm's length away, would have to beat his face too.

Only once can I remember receiving anything resembling praise. We were required to prove we could swim some distance wearing our combat boots and gear. I had finished swimming and climbed out of the pool to report to Sgt. Franklin, who was sitting at a desk recording the results. As I stood before him in my dripping fatigues, he interrupted me.

"Rainja! Did you know your dick is hanging out of your pants?"

I looked down and saw that my fly had come undone and my dick was indeed hanging out of my pants (damn those army-issue boxer shorts). Without skipping a beat I replied, "Yes, Sergeant!" as if I had intentionally presented myself in this way. He called Cpl Dobbs over and they both had a good laugh and agreed I was Ranger material.

Every morning during our first formation at zero-four-thirty hours they would ask, "Who wants to quit? Coffee and donuts for anyone who wants to quit!"

They would ask each of us individually with mock sympathy, "Don't you want to quit, Ranger? Wouldn't you like some hot coffee and donuts?"

If no one wanted to quit they would make us do pushups and leave us in the front leaning rest until our arms trembled and our backs sagged. "Don't you want to quit now, Ranger? Don't you want to go back to bed?"

As often as not, someone would quit. Then our instructors would whisk them away and we would never see them again. Ranger buddies would be re-assigned and when we returned to the barracks after physical training that man's gear would have disappeared and there would be one fewer of us to share our instructors' attention.

Busey, my Ranger Buddy, managed to attract more than his share of attention. It wasn't that he was a complete fuck-up, but he made his share of mistakes. I guess we all did. Busey just seemed to be more obvious about them.

He had a digital watch (still a novelty in those days) that he had programmed to beep every hour. The first time it beeped during one of Sgt Franklin's classes he was assigned the title of "Big Ben." From then on, whenever Sgt Franklin bellowed, "What tahm is it!" Busey would leap to attention and sound off at the top of his lungs, "Ding-Dong! Ding-Dong! The time is..." and then announce the military time. Rather than taking it as punishment, however, he relished his new responsibility.

He had one eye that tended to wander off on its own. Cpl Dobbs said he had coon hunting eyes. I think it was a little unnerving to our instructors. As they berated him for forgetting Roger's first standing order, he would stand with one eye fixed straight ahead and the other looking off into space, smiling and implacable, as if to say, "Gee whiz, you got me again. Touché!"

He was a pushup machine. No matter how many pushups they demanded of him he knocked them out with ease. He never complained, not even when there was no chance of being overheard by our instructors.

He had trouble with many of the topics of instruction, knot tying in particular. He would do his best to tie whatever knot we were practicing, beaming upon completion even though his knot was nothing but a monstrous tangle. Cpl Dobbs would look at his knot and say, "Ranger, if you'd keep both eyes on the knot maybe it would come out right. Beat your face!"

Busey took no offense at their insults. He would beat his face and recover and try again to tie the elusive knot, or memorize the Standing Order, or rectify whatever it was he had just screwed up. Through it all his tenacious, slow-witted enthusiasm never waned.

During the second week of RIP we went out on one of our first patrols. Winter in Fort Lewis is cold and wet, and it was just our luck that our route led us through a swamp. The icy water got deeper and deeper as we moved farther into the swamp. When we were chest-deep, a helicopter happened to fly overhead. Sgt Franklin bellowed through his tobacco, "Enemeh ayacrahft! Wha yo sposa DO?"

What one is supposed to do when faced with a slow-moving aircraft is to lie on one's back and shoot in front of it. Water filled my ears as I floated on my rucksack. When the aircraft had passed we struggled back to our feet and waded out of the swamp. We were all soaked and shivering. Our instructors took rare pity on us and decreed that we would go "admin" for a while and build a fire to dry out. Firewood was procured and a bonfire was soon raging. We were instructed to remove our soaked uniforms to dry them by the fire. We peeled off our soggy fatigues and huddled around the fire, stripped to our shorts.

It was a gray and dreary scene in the fading light of the afternoon. Dark clouds hung low overhead. The light of the fire seemed no match for the dark and dripping forest. But suddenly there was a burst of brilliant color, a flash of neon pink that shone like a grenade simulator tossed among us. All eyes turned to look at the source of this amazing brilliance. And what a source it was! There stood Busey, clad only in a pair of neon pink bikini underpants. Our waterlogged brains couldn't comprehend the sight. We struggled to make sense of it.

Busey took no notice of our incredulous stares. He seemed oblivious that anything was wrong. He stood with his back to us, wringing out his socks with no more concern than if he'd been on a sunny beach in the south of France.

Sgt Franklin recovered himself. I do believe he may have swallowed his tobacco because his accent seemed diminished. He stared at Busey with bulging eyes and veins. "Ranger!" he bellowed, "What the fuck are you wearing?"

Busey turned and said, smartly, "Underwear, Sergeant!" For the first time he saw us all staring at him as if he were from another planet. It must have dawned on him then that wearing pink bikini underpants on patrol might have been a blunder.

Sgt Franklin struggled to contain himself. He bellowed, "Ranger, why aren’t you wearing your Army issue underwear?"

Busey replied, uncertainly now, "I think these are more...comfortable. Sergeant."

Cpl Dobbs bounded over, looked Busey in the face, looked down at his glowing pink bikini underpants and said, "Do you know what those are, Ranger? Those are catch-me-fuck-me underwear!"

He and Sgt Franklin hooted at this. They made Busey put his combat boots and patrol cap back on, and his web gear, and pick up his rifle. Then they made him run circles around our position in his pink underwear yelling, "Catch me! Fuck me! Catch me! Fuck me!"

They laughed at him. We all did. It was impossible not to. All our discomfort and resentment seemed to evaporate. Busey carried out his assignment with his characteristic enthusiasm. He ran awkwardly, stumbling in the semi-darkness, yelling as though he really were daring someone to catch him. "Catch me! Fuck me!"

Poor Busey. In another week he would lie tangled in his parachute with a broken femur after jumping from a CH-47 "shit-hook" helicopter and landing in the trees, the victim of a student jumpmaster practicing on the battalion's most expendable resource. It took us twenty minutes to find him, and when we did he was wrapped up in his parachute, deliriously singing part of a Pink Floyd song over and over:

But it was only fantasy
The wall was too high, as you can see
No matter how he tried, he could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain

It was years before the relevance of those lyrics dawned on me.

Sgt Franklin wouldn't allow the medics to cut the parachute. As they struggled to untangle him, Sgt Franklin asked Busey what had happened.

Busey, in shock, replied, "I think I fell out of one of those things that goes round and round."

Sgt Franklin looked at him for a moment, then turned to the medics and said, "Cut the fucking parachute."

They cut the parachute and his pants (he was wearing his uncomfortable Army-issue boxer shorts), placed his leg into some sort of inflatable cast and medivaced him by chopper to Madigan Army Hospital.

When the novelty of watching Busey run around the fire in his pink underpants wore off, Cpl Dobbs asked, "Where's his Ranger buddy?"

My spirits plummeted. Of course I was his Ranger buddy. They made me put on my combat boots, patrol cap and web gear and chase Busey around the fire shouting, "I'm trying! I'm trying!"

We made quite a sight, Busey and I, stumbling around in the growing darkness in our unlaced combat boots clutching our M16’s, he in his bright pink bikini underpants and me in my Army green boxer shorts.

"Catch me! Fuck me!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!"

Busey would never jump again after his tree landing. He was re-classified out of the infantry entirely. We went to visit him in the hospital, the four of us who made it through RIP. His leg was in traction and an IV bottle was connected to his arm. His spirits were low and he didn't say much. But then, he wasn't the talkative type even under the best of circumstances.

We smuggled a can of beer in for him. He took a few sips and then turned green and said he thought he was going to puke. We rang the nurse's bell and left in a hurry. That was the last I ever saw him. Some Ranger buddy I was.


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Submitted by Tomorokoshi at 2010-07-12 23:00:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2010-02-22 14:51:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd make a Terry Pratchett joke about Corporal Dobbs, but given the unnerdiness of this post I doubt you'd follow :(

Submitted by computerjockey at 2010-02-22 14:45:27 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by stone8946 at 2010-02-22 14:34:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mockidol at 2008-10-05 23:25:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-01 15:42:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awesome.

Submitted by locksly at 2008-09-29 02:31:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Our classroom was on the second floor, but we weren't allowed to walk up the stairs to get there. Rather, we had to scale a cargo net, climb through a window, and then low-crawl to our desks.
_______

awesomes

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2008-08-11 22:56:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good read but it didn't really end up going anywhere special.

I anticipated that it would so I was a little disappointed in the end.

Grats on B@W though.

Submitted by shadow at 2008-08-08 11:29:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fucking hell.

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-08-08 10:14:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by English_Master (user info) at 2008-07-29 02:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I kept waiting for there to be something... ANYTHING... funny, entertaining, or even slightly amusing about this story...

CERTAINLY there must be a surprise ending or SOME kind of hook to make this worthy of B@W...

There was nothing!!

...not a SINGLE REDEEMING QUALITY about this whole ridiculous dumb-ass "soldier story". I hated the service when I was IN, and I sure as FUCK don't want to hear about it now that I'm OUT - and ESPECIALLY if it's some boring DRIVEL like this.

Writer, catch YOURSELF and FUCK YOURSELF in the ass!

(B@W, I'm ASHAMED of you. You're not what you once were.)

------------------------------

The guy's just pissed because x54 took EM's plutonium and in return gave him a shoddy bomb casing made up of used pinball machine parts.

Submitted by English_Master at 2008-07-29 02:07:17 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I kept waiting for there to be something... ANYTHING... funny, entertaining, or even slightly amusing about this story...

CERTAINLY there must be a surprise ending or SOME kind of hook to make this worthy of B@W...

There was nothing!!

...not a SINGLE REDEEMING QUALITY about this whole ridiculous dumb-ass "soldier story". I hated the service when I was IN, and I sure as FUCK don't want to hear about it now that I'm OUT - and ESPECIALLY if it's some boring DRIVEL like this.

Writer, catch YOURSELF and FUCK YOURSELF in the ass!

(B@W, I'm ASHAMED of you. You're not what you once were.)

Submitted by tatersninja at 2008-07-25 04:38:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Clean.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-11 21:31:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-11 07:12:58 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Are you shitting me? Is that really the Charlie Manson recordings done with Beach Boys' Brian whatshisname? Fucking Awesome, excellent gift, and thanks a bunch.

I was thinking the entire time I was listening to it, this fucker isn't all right up there, and that laugh, that damnable laugh throughout it all!
--------------
Yep! The album name is "The Summer of Hate."

http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/7476597/a/Summer+Of+Hate+67+Sessionsger.htm

Submitted by BobSandwich at 2008-07-11 10:57:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-02 21:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I've always thought it was kinda funny when people congratulate other people on B@W, like it's a honor or something.

It's just one dude linking a post to his other website, right?

Hey, congratulations one guy liked your shit, man! Awesome!

Good story, though.

============================================================================================

Yeah, how dumb is that? Congratulate you on a job well done? I think that the Pulitzer Prize is a joke too.

Hey, congratulations some school liked your shit, man! Awesome!

Fuck PayMeLater, Congratulations on B@W

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-11 10:12:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Are you shitting me? Is that really the Charlie Manson recordings done with Beach Boys' Brian whatshisname? Fucking Awesome, excellent gift, and thanks a bunch.

I was thinking the entire time I was listening to it, this fucker isn't all right up there, and that laugh, that damnable laugh throughout it all!

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-10 21:56:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

PS I'll give you a hint: he was a huge Beatles fan, especially the White album.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-10 21:52:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-09 13:05:00 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I got your cd today, but who is it that's famous? It sounds kinda like Dennis Hopper. AmIright?
--------------
Negatory. Guess again. More famous even than Dennis Hopper.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-09 16:05:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I got your cd today, but who is it that's famous? It sounds kinda like Dennis Hopper. AmIright?

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-07-07 20:47:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Hookhand at 2008-07-06 15:48:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn

Submitted by zoobie2000 at 2008-07-04 07:54:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

great

Submitted by AJ at 2008-07-03 02:18:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by PayMeLater at 2008-07-02 21:08:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've always thought it was kinda funny when people congratulate other people on B@W, like it's a honor or something.

It's just one dude linking a post to his other website, right?

Hey, congratulations one guy liked your shit, man! Awesome!

Good story, though.


Submitted by loveinbrevity at 2008-07-02 20:24:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good job.

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge at 2008-07-02 20:20:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W. Good on you.

Submitted by Yoyo at 2008-07-02 17:30:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for the story. It was entertaining but it makes me wonder... Was it as entertaining for those who have not served?

---

As for the America sucks, leave it the hell alone. It doesn't belong on this post, which is a humorous account of someone's military training with a sobering ending on how expendable one truely is.

Submitted by iambetteratit at 2008-07-02 16:18:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Probably the worst beating in bootcamp was when I saw a Drill Instructor flip over a bed with a recruit still in it. The recruit's head split open and he bled alot. The only reason that bothered me was that I had to clean it up.

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2008-07-02 15:38:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by joedaddy at 2008-07-02 15:00:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-07-02 10:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-07-01 22:37:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-----------
That's exactly what the old fuckers used to say when I was in: what pussies we were and how much worse they had it. And I'm sure when THEY were still just recruits, the old fuckers of that day said the same thing to them.
****
true enough

during Nam-o-rama, in the sixties, there were quite a few beat-downs in basic but fewer in most advanced training, but there, what they lacked in numbers was more than made up for in intensity

it took a DI's rifle butt to my chin, and a zillion stiches, to wise me up

173rd AB Camp Radcliff An Khe

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2008-07-02 13:45:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Scrumtrilescent.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-02 10:41:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-07-01 22:37:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0

ahh you went through before the pussification of military training. I love hearing the old fuckers talk about how much worse they had it, and the shit they went through.
-----------
That's exactly what the old fuckers used to say when I was in: what pussies we were and how much worse they had it. And I'm sure when THEY were still just recruits, the old fuckers of that day said the same thing to them.

#

Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-07-01 23:24:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

i was going to try to be a PJ and then i realized it was way too hard.
----------
A PJ? Ah, the Air Force's version of Special Forces. The thing is, it's mainly a big head trip. You don't have to be in supergood shape, you just have to be willing to push yourself and put up with being miserable and humiliated. There was a 37 year old dude from the National Guard who made it through my Ranger School class (don't ask me how he got a slot). Granted, one arm was in a sling and he had a bandage over one eye by the end of it, but he made it through.

#

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-02 05:59:06 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0

uber board wasn't such a smart idea, I'm afraid.
---------
I know. It was a moment of irrational exuberance. I had to do something with all the money they put in my PayPal account. I'm sure I'm going to regret it. I already do.

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-07-02 08:59:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

uber board wasn't such a smart idea, I'm afraid.

Submitted by hidden101 at 2008-07-02 02:24:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

a friend of mine was a Ranger. sounds like his stories.

i was going to try to be a PJ and then i realized it was way too hard.

Submitted by iambetteratit at 2008-07-02 01:37:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

ahh you went through before the pussification of military training. I love hearing the old fuckers talk about how much worse they had it, and the shit they went through.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-02 01:16:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I don't recall there being any Marines in my Ranger School class, but I went through in 1982. There were a handful in Jump School.

Submitted by iambetteratit at 2008-07-02 00:52:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've been trying to get into ranger school for a while, but the Corps. dosnt send to many guys from what Ive herd. hey X54, How many marines were there total in your class, ballpark figure?

Submitted by Susie_Derkins at 2008-07-01 11:50:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Man O' War at 2008-07-01 11:24:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I maybe a bleeding-heart liberal but I have nothing but respect for those men and women in the armed services.

Plus, this was pretty fucking funny.


Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-01 10:57:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This made me chuckle http://www.ubersite.com/m/117399#2735964

You are far superior. Congrats on B@W

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-01 10:53:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-29 22:18:11 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I've just made my first B@W nomination.
---------
Woohoo! I made it. Thanks for the nomination.

#

Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-06-30 00:57:35 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment


Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-07-01 00:49:39 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Congrats - the world needs more robots.
---------
Changed your mind, did you?

Submitted by woolfe at 2008-07-01 03:49:39 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Congrats - the world needs more robots.

Submitted by czwij at 2008-07-01 03:12:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-30 18:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

my dad's army kin beat yor dad's army....

stealth?

tamara radar. made in the czech republic.

it can see your shitty flat black aeroplanes while the pilot is still on the john before he goes up. i have two in my backyard. one is for sale.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Recently Iran tried to purchase the so called "Tamara" passive radar system for $90 million from the Czech Republic. Tamara is able to detect approaching "invisible airplanes" at a distance of 450 km. However, as it stands now, the stealth bombers remain "invisible" because the United States put severe political pressure on the Czech government and "suggested" that the manufacturer not be allowed to sell this particular electronic gadget. As a result, the Tamara branch of the Tesla Company closed the production line and dismissed its employees. Consequently, the "invisible" bombers are still invisible.

USA FTW!

------------

really? you bastards!
good job. economic pressure(bullying)works too and no one was killed.

i have a tesla TV. i also use it as a radar detector in my car and on my bike, but it makes the bike a little unweildy.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2008-07-01 03:11:18 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

It's not often I agree with TheBear, but yeah, what?

Submitted by frankthebear at 2008-07-01 02:44:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

what the fuck is this all about?! I read maybe a third of it before I got bored and quit.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEBODY THROW A FREAKIN' PIE!

Submitted by X54 at 2008-07-01 01:16:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I didn't realize that. But thanks for saying so.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2008-06-30 23:30:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You do realise that yourself and Flash Harry are in a neck and neck race for "Best Newish Author", don't you? Do you feel a competitive drive?

Submitted by Dexter-Brown at 2008-06-30 21:50:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Submitted by TheBrad at 2008-06-30 18:05:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

my dad's army kin beat yor dad's army....

stealth?

tamara radar. made in the czech republic.

it can see your shitty flat black aeroplanes while the pilot is still on the john before he goes up. i have two in my backyard. one is for sale.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Recently Iran tried to purchase the so called "Tamara" passive radar system for $90 million from the Czech Republic. Tamara is able to detect approaching "invisible airplanes" at a distance of 450 km. However, as it stands now, the stealth bombers remain "invisible" because the United States put severe political pressure on the Czech government and "suggested" that the manufacturer not be allowed to sell this particular electronic gadget. As a result, the Tamara branch of the Tesla Company closed the production line and dismissed its employees. Consequently, the "invisible" bombers are still invisible.

USA FTW!

Submitted by thecaes at 2008-06-30 16:57:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome look at the training process...you can really see what they're going for with the exercises, pacing, cadences, etc that they put you through.

Well written story, too.

Submitted by Snark at 2008-06-30 16:52:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What Shitfuck said.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-06-30 15:29:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

what the fuck? i read all that?

Submitted by iambetteratit at 2008-06-30 15:04:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh I'm not going to deny that we fucked up the post war plan,(if there even was a post war plan) but I would'nt really blame that on the military. I think the blame for that one goes to the civilians running the govt. That don't know their asses from a hole in the wall.

As far as the radar, how many of those radar syestems are there? I think our satelites would find them before the first plane even took off, then I think we would cruise missile the shit out of them before the first plane took off. Back to square one. Even IF we decided to even the odds and let you keep them, you might shoot down a few planes, but not enough to make a difference.

I'm not trying to put other countries militaries down, I have worked with British, and Aussie troops in the past and I mould say the individual soldier's training in those forces in probably far better than the majority of our soldier's training, excluding SOCOM units, Rangers, and the Marine Corps.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-06-30 13:25:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-06-29 19:47:58 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Apollo,

Our military is useless? lol you realize you have as many men in your entire military as we have in the Marine Corps? (Our smallest and least funded force)You realize we have 12 active super carriers, each of which hold roughly 5,000 sailors and marines, and hold usually around 73 combat aircraft a piece? We have the most technologically sophisticated fighter aircraft in the world? That we alone have stealth technology?

The only piece of military hardware that the UK owns that is better than its US equivalent is the challenger II main battle tank of which you have built about 400. As opposed to our Abrams main battle tank which has slightly weaker armor. That's OK because we have built about 14,000 of them.

Do you realize we could have a substantial military force including all of their equipment on your stinking sheep infested island in 18 hours or less with just one order, and within 2 weeks we could land a million troops?

Honestly, even under the best circumstances how long do you think your tiny, poorly equipped military could hold off the most powerful military the world has ever seen? My guess would be at best four months or so.

Yup you have the SAS and the royal marines, I'm not saying the US wouldn't suffer casualties, But seriously do you REALLY think that the UK even has a snowballs chance in hell at winning an all out conventional war with America



i didn't at any point intimate that.

You have overwhemlming numbers and air superiority over everyone in the world really. It's what your economy is based on.

Which is why you've made such a mess of the post-war in Afghanistan and Iraq, your military isn't set up for that.

Jesus christ, you're the type of American the world points at and laughs.


Submitted by Zebra at 2008-06-30 13:22:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this very much.

Rich in detail, effective pace.

The only thing I would change is the section at the end describing how the protag was forced to follow Busey around the fire, yelling, "I'm trying, I'm trying!"

Leave it chronological.

Otherwise it inhibits the flow of your appropriately swift resolution and its bittersweet feeling.



The humorous section would read like this:

He and Sgt Franklin hooted at this. They made Busey put his combat boots and patrol cap back on, and his web gear, and pick up his rifle. Then they made him run circles around our position in his pink underwear yelling, "Catch me! Fuck me! Catch me! Fuck me!"

They laughed at him. We all did. It was impossible not to. All our discomfort and resentment seemed to evaporate. Busey carried out his assignment with his characteristic enthusiasm. He ran awkwardly, stumbling in the semi-darkness, yelling as though he really were daring someone to catch him. "Catch me! Fuck me!"

When the novelty of watching Busey run around the fire in his pink underpants wore off, Cpl Dobbs asked, "Where's his Ranger buddy?"

My spirits plummeted. Of course I was his Ranger buddy. They made me put on my combat boots, patrol cap and web gear and chase Busey around the fire shouting, "I'm trying! I'm trying!"

We made quite a sight, Busey and I, stumbling around in the growing darkness in our unlaced combat boots clutching our M16's, he in his bright pink bikini underpants and me in my Army green boxer shorts.

"Catch me! Fuck me!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!"




The ending would read like this:

They cut the parachute and his pants (he was wearing his uncomfortable Army-issue boxer shorts), placed his leg into some sort of inflatable cast and medivaced him by chopper to Madigan Army Hospital.

Busey would never jump again after his tree landing. He was re-classified out of the infantry entirely. We went to visit him in the hospital, the four of us who made it through RIP. His leg was in traction and an IV bottle was connected to his arm. His spirits were low and he didn't say much. But then, he wasn't the talkative type even under the best of circumstances.

We smuggled a can of beer in for him. He took a few sips and then turned green and said he thought he was going to puke. We rang the nurse's bell and left in a hurry. That was the last I ever saw him. Some Ranger buddy I was.


Otherwise, excellent work.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-06-30 12:43:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-06-30 11:34:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Aussie_em at 2008-06-30 10:54:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this was a good read.

Submitted by czwij at 2008-06-30 10:20:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my dad's army kin beat yor dad's army....

stealth?

tamara radar. made in the czech republic.

it can see your shitty flat black aeroplanes while the pilot is still on the john before he goes up. i have two in my backyard. one is for sale.

hey ragtop, unless you have 20 mil euros (not USD, that stuff is worthless in yerup) then fuck off.

no, i don't want your camels nor your hairy bearded weeman.

Submitted by jared.melton at 2008-06-30 05:24:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by joedaddy at 2008-06-30 05:21:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

an old and former member of; "The Herd", approves this post

Submitted by uncoordinated_ninja at 2008-06-30 04:47:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by regal1975 (user info) at 2008-06-29 19:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

good story.. In the Marines we have catch me fuck me shorts.. the super tight silk shorts all the old bastards like to wear..

----------------------

Did you just call me old?

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-06-30 04:12:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And no, it's not pink bikini bottoms that make +2's inevitable for me.

Dick.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-06-30 04:11:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

For some reason, it doesn't seem like this should have such a great +2 streak, but I simply cannot break it.

I think it's the first half that confuses me, and the second half that will punch me in the mouth if I drop anything but a +2.

Obviously good stories take some setting up, but I still think that's why.

Submitted by woolfe at 2008-06-30 03:57:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2008-06-30 03:18:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2008-06-30 01:57:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Like with those rapid-fire short sentences, I mean.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2008-06-30 01:57:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's the matter-of-factness and the quick pacing that make this good.

Submitted by lungfish at 2008-06-30 01:18:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've just made my first B@W nomination.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-06-30 01:06:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I was afraid you were going to say that.

Submitted by lungfish at 2008-06-30 01:03:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No. He was shot up in North Africa before D-Day. They drummed him out, which broke his heart. He's gone now, or I'd pass along your message.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-06-30 01:00:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fuckin' A it does. Or, at least it makes your grandfather awesome. Was he one of the guys who scaled the cliffs on D-Day to take out the German artillery? Those guys truly were awesome. Tell him I knocked out 25 for him, plus one for the Big Ranger in the Sky.

Submitted by lungfish at 2008-06-30 00:52:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

btw, my grandfather was a WWII Ranger - First Battalion. I'm fairly certain that makes me awesome.

Submitted by lungfish at 2008-06-30 00:45:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit. One of the best things I've ever read here.

Submitted by iambetteratit at 2008-06-29 23:12:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If we could fight without our hands bound by public opionion this war would have been over years ago. If you want a classic example of how to handle a muslim insurgency take a look at what General John Joseph "black Jack" Pershing did in the Philipene American war.

The Philipinos were defeated in open war quickly enough, but started an insurgency like they they have in Iraq. So the US began taking no prisoners, burning whole villages, and routinely shooting surrendering Filipino soldiers. Much worse were the concentration camps that civilians were forced into, after being suspected of being guerrilla sympathizers. Thousands of civilians died in these camps. In nearly all cases, the civilians suffered much more than the guerrillas.

He was known to have his soldiers dip their bullets in pig's blood.
(in the islam faith a pig is an unclean animal, and eating or touching it or it's blood is a sin.)

point being if the US focused it's entire will on destroying something, and didn't worry about what other people thought nothing could stand in it's way.


Submitted by Amontillado at 2008-06-29 22:28:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-06-29 22:12:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this.

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-06-29 21:42:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-06-29 20:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Apollo,

Our military is useless? lol you realize you have as many men in your entire military as we have in the Marine Corps? (Our smallest and least funded force)You realize we have 12 active super carriers, each of which hold roughly 5,000 sailors and marines, and hold usually around 73 combat aircraft a piece? We have the most technologically sophisticated fighter aircraft in the world? That we alone have stealth technology?

The only piece of military hardware that the UK owns that is better than its US equivalent is the challenger II main battle tank of which you have built about 400. As opposed to our Abrams main battle tank which has slightly weaker armor. That's OK because we have built about 14,000 of them.

Do you realize we could have a substantial military force including all of their equipment on your stinking sheep infested island in 18 hours or less with just one order, and within 2 weeks we could land a million troops?

Honestly, even under the best circumstances how long do you think your tiny, poorly equipped military could hold off the most powerful military the world has ever seen? My guess would be at best four months or so.

Yup you have the SAS and the royal marines, I'm not saying the US wouldn't suffer casualties, But seriously do you REALLY think that the UK even has a snowballs chance in hell at winning an all out conventional war with America?
---

And yet we're losing to a bunch of Arabs who use weapons that we gave them about 18 years ago.

Doesn't speak volumes about our soldier's training does it?

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2008-06-29 21:21:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Hey man, they say write what you know. They are right. Do more.


Submitted by iambetteratit at 2008-06-29 20:47:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Apollo,

Our military is useless? lol you realize you have as many men in your entire military as we have in the Marine Corps? (Our smallest and least funded force)You realize we have 12 active super carriers, each of which hold roughly 5,000 sailors and marines, and hold usually around 73 combat aircraft a piece? We have the most technologically sophisticated fighter aircraft in the world? That we alone have stealth technology?

The only piece of military hardware that the UK owns that is better than its US equivalent is the challenger II main battle tank of which you have built about 400. As opposed to our Abrams main battle tank which has slightly weaker armor. That's OK because we have built about 14,000 of them.

Do you realize we could have a substantial military force including all of their equipment on your stinking sheep infested island in 18 hours or less with just one order, and within 2 weeks we could land a million troops?

Honestly, even under the best circumstances how long do you think your tiny, poorly equipped military could hold off the most powerful military the world has ever seen? My guess would be at best four months or so.

Yup you have the SAS and the royal marines, I'm not saying the US wouldn't suffer casualties, But seriously do you REALLY think that the UK even has a snowballs chance in hell at winning an all out conventional war with America?

Submitted by Zampano at 2008-06-29 20:23:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-06-29 20:21:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-29 13:56:05 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-29 10:58:24 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

no wonder your military is useless.
------
I don't think it's our military that's useless, it's our politicians who don't know (or don't care) how to use it.



two words:

friendly fire.


Submitted by antluvdog at 2008-06-29 20:19:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great story, well written. B@W worthy.

Submitted by regal1975 at 2008-06-29 19:43:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good story.. In the Marines we have catch me fuck me shorts.. the super tight silk shorts all the old bastards like to wear..

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-06-29 18:21:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck, I liked this. It seemed honest and to-the-point without any bells or whistles added - Uber needs more posts like these.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2008-06-29 17:23:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for you, sah

Submitted by czwij at 2008-06-29 17:11:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

destination
zulu land

huppola do da dey do do DA!

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-06-29 15:39:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I feel like watching Full Metal Jacket, now.

Submitted by X54 at 2008-06-29 14:56:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-29 10:58:24 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

no wonder your military is useless.
------
I don't think it's our military that's useless, it's our politicians who don't know (or don't care) how to use it.

Submitted by Maddog at 2008-06-29 14:02:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nicely done. Brought back memories of Jump School.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-06-29 13:58:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nice tale.

horrific that this shit is allowed.

no wonder your military is useless.



Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-06-29 13:54:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You win at Ubersite

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-06-29 13:48:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Berg, damn you, post something.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2008-06-29 13:46:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Out-fucking-standing.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-06-29 13:43:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-29 13:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Fag.
==================
Dudeles, fags are frequently very talented and artistic. You, however, must be extremely heterosexual.










































Fucking with Doodles since '05. :)

Submitted by experima at 2008-06-29 13:38:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

x54 rocks my world

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-06-29 13:35:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fag.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-06-29 13:28:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I always wanted to say WTFINRAT!!
But I did, and I enjoyed it.

Submitted by Earth Collapse at 2008-06-29 13:25:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fantastic writing!

Submitted by X54 at 2008-06-29 12:23:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

When I went through jump school we had a Marine in our class. He was the highest ranking student, so he was assigned student First Sergeant and marched us out to the training areas each morning. He always sang the best marching cadences:

chorus:
Rape the town and kill the people
That's the only thing to do
Rape the town and kill the people
You'll feel better if you do

Take a hatchet to the mayor
Chop him in his fucking head
Then grab his hemorrhoids with a pliers
And stretch his guts until he's dead

(chorus)

Throw a frag into the chapel
Watch the priests scream and yell
You may even crack a smile
As you blow them straight to hell

(chorus)

Take some candy to the schoolyard
Watch the kiddies gather round
Then grab your forty millimeter
And mow the little monsters down

(chorus)

Drop some napalm on the schoolhouse
Watch the teachers scream and shout
You may even laugh your ass off
as they try to put it out

I think there was more but I can't remember it. Amazing I can still remember this much!

Submitted by uncoordinated_ninja at 2008-06-29 12:12:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

LOL!...this brings back memories, good and bad.

Napalm sticks to kids!
Crunchy on the ouside!
Chewy on the inside!
Napalm sticks to kids!

Sorry to hear about Busey though...sucks...

Submitted by shitfuck at 2008-06-29 12:11:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


FUCKING LOVED IT.


It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here ...

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror