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The art of getting laid - Day 1

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-17 19:54:11 EDT
Rating: 1.61 on 51 ratings (51 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

(Much like the previous “Art of…” Series, this is a true account. It may not always be original, interesting or even funny, but, bar the odd embellishment here and there this story is 95% accurate. And that’s what matters.)



Like most epiphanies, mine came at 3pm on a cloudy Wednesday afternoon.

I’d like to tell you that it wasn’t because of Her. I’d like to be able to tell you about all of my other problems which, on paper at least, were much more pressing and severe. I’d love to be able to list all that shit to you and not make an mention of Her and her new boyfriend. It would be fucking wonderful to be able to sit here and say that I’m mature, that because we broke up almost a month ago, the news didn’t sting. That I didn’t care. That it paled in insignicance to the whole host of other shit I’ve got keeping me up at night.

But I’m not mature and I did care and, even if I was already breaking, It was Her that broke me.

It was Her that caused me to be sitting on my sofa at 3pm on a cloudy Wednesday afternoon having had no sleep for 48 hours straight, clutching my 2nd bottle of Brandy and generally wallowing in a most unattractive state of self-pity. Epiphanising.

And then, in a moment of almost overwhelming cliché, It Hit Me.

This is fucking bullshit man, my epiphany says. What the fuck are you doing getting in a twist over some useless cunt who fucked you over, man? There are better things to be doing. At the very least there are better women to be getting all fucked up over.

For some reason I only hear the last part and it lights a fire behind my eyes.

Yes. Other women. Better women. I need to go out and fuck as many women as possible Immediately.

As I reach for my phone and begin an evening spent texting every non-related female in there, my epiphany sighs.



Thursday: Day one - Julie.
9.00pm



As I lean back into the soft leather of her sofa and take a sip of vodka, I try to work out whether or not it was a mistake to start with Julie. We've been close friends for 6 years or so and I would happily say that of all the women I've ever known, I love Julie the most. It's this that makes it so hard to know that I fucked it all up when I had the chance.

"So how’s Nikki?" She says, curling up into the opposite end of the sofa from me. Her face darkens almost imperceptibly when she says the name and even though she’s trying really hard to sound neutral, there's an edge to her voice that seems unnatural coming from the sweetest woman I've ever known.

It's not good date conversation but I guess I was kidding myself when I thought this was a proper date, besides, I need to get it all off my chest anyway so I take a long gulp of my vodka and begin telling the tale.



10.30pm

There's a long silence when I finish and I feel really shitty for having gone through it with her. She's cool though and slides across the sofa next to me to take my hand in hers.

"Don't worry about it honey.... She's a cunt." She says the words softly and without the vitriol I would expect. Her arm snakes up behind me and she starts to idly stroke the back of my neck affectionately. The vodka's hitting me strong now and I'm close to breaking. I've missed this feeling of closeness, this privacy. I hope dearly that this feeling’s real, that it isn't all just illusion painted by alcohol on a canvas of heartbreak.

I want to tell her I'm sorry for what happened, that I made the wrong decision those six months or so ago when we slept together and I never called her back. I want her to know that if I were to do it all over again I would never have picked the cold-hearted Nikki over this beautiful caring woman. I want to say all of this to her right now.

But I don't.

Something stays my hand and instead I try to lighten the mood. "how’s your love-life anyway honey?"

She smiles and eases away from our semi embrace "Not great," she says, "that guy I had that thing with a while ago keeps calling me up for sex."

"And?"

She locks eyes on me and all traces of humour are gone from her expression. She looks stern, cool, almost disappointed

"And nothing - that's not the type of girl I am Sam. I'm not some tramp who'll fuck everything" - like Nikki - but there's no need for her to say the words. We both know. "I only ever sleep with people I really care about, when it actually means something to me."

It’s obvious what she means and there's a sadness to her as she speaks. I know what I have to do, I have to tell how sorry I am that I hurt her, the one girl I ever really loved.


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
***are u back in town tonight? wat u up to? fancy a quick drink? xxx ***



The polyphonic bleep breaks the spell and the mood is shattered. As I check my phone, Julie gets up and crosses the living room to rummage in one of the boxes on her mantelpiece that's hidden behind photo's of her son. It's too late now Sam. This one's lost.

She yawns theatrically and says tiredly "I'm gonna go bed pretty soon... but do you fancy a quick spliff to finish?"


12.30am


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
***where u sleeping tonight?***



Vision's blurred and balance is shot to fuck. The drink has made it difficult to focus and the spliff's ruined my short-term memory. I can't recall how things ended with Julie but that's not important right now. Remember the epiphany. We need to fuck. Hannah - Date Number 2 - wants to meet up for a quick drink at midnight. Pub is only open until 2am and is a 20 minute walk away sober. Need to make moves.


*****REPLY TO - HANNAH RAY*****
***Dunno. Why? Is that an offer?***



The response is reassuringly swift


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
***could be. why dont u get ur arse down here and find out? xxx***



Good stuff. Hannah's not the full package, no Julie, but she's a great laugh and even better fuck. I drunkenly ram the phone into my inside pocket without replying and set about power walking to the pub. I'm sweating and I can barely see through the drunken smoky fog but I'm happy. Things were getting too serious back there, this is much more like it.



1.10am

The pub is noisy and smells of stale beer and sweat. Fucking smoking ban. It's my first time back here for 6 months and I recognise a few faces even at this late hour and in my state of inebriation. A couple of people wave and mumble inane greetings to me but I ignore them, there's one reason why I'm here. I scan the bar and see no trace of Hannah and my heart sinks. A check of the smoking balcony yields further disappointment.

What the fuck happened?

I check my phone to see if I’ve missed any calls.

FuckFuckFuck

My pocket is empty and I know what's happened almost instantly. I used my phone on the way here and then chucked it into my pocket. Except I didn't chuck it into my pocket at all. Instead, I drunkenly threw it at the inside lining of my coat where it slid all the way down and hit the floor with a clatter.

Somewhere on the street between this pub and Julie's house my phone is sitting there in the rain. gradually soaking up water.

Shit.

That phone is my entire weekend. Everything I've arranged revolves around that phone.

If I don't find it pretty soon Everything's fucked.


2.36am

Like a glowing beacon of hope amongst the rain swept streets of drunken loss my phone sits in the middle of the road unscathed. It took over an hour of staggering around random backstreets and I'm fucking drenched and knackered but I've got it and that’s the main thing.


***12 missed Calls***
- Hannah 00:36 -
- Hannah 00:38 -
- Hannah 00:48 -
- Hannah 00:57 -
- Hannah 00:59 -
- Hannah 01:20 -
- Hannah 01:22 -
- Hannah 01:29 -
- Hannah 01:57 -
- Hannah 02:15 -
- Hannah 02:20 -
- Hannah 02:26 -



Fuuuuuuck.


***4 SMS Messages***


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
***where r u?***


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
***hey Sam. wats going on? are you okay? I though u were meeting me down the pub? going home now, c u 2moro. xxx ***


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
***are you ignoring me?***



And then.


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
*** CUNT. ***



It stings yeah, but you’ve gotta love that kind of one-word eloquence.


03.00am

The pelting rain has turned to a fine mist now and I sit there and soak it up as wait for my cab on a bench in the silent centre of town. It’s been a slow and somewhat disappointing start all round. Then again, It’s only Thursday and I guess it would have been something of an anti-climax had I have achieved my aim on day one. Still any kind of climax right now would be a welcome one.

It’s not too bad though I guess. I still have a lunch date with Hannah tomorrow and her texts seem promising. After that there’s an evening of drinks with Sharon who I’m not too sure about because she’s the only woman on my list that I’ve not already slept with. Saturday is Scott’s birthday party in Cambridge featuring his S&M Nympho sister and I’ll wrap the weekend up with a quiet beverage back home with ex-ex-girlfriend Claire.

It's been three days since I slept and I know tonight will be no different. Another night thinking about Her. Another night haunted by memories of a future that never existed.

But I'm hopeful. Sure, cruel circumstance has cock-blocked me initially but this run of luck can’t stretch over a four-day period surely.

I fucking hope not.

I need to sleep.






Day 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117757





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Reviews


Submitted by therealgeddylee at 2013-01-10 22:56:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Years later and I still love re-reading your work, man.

Submitted by therealgeddylee at 2010-05-31 23:59:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Years later and I still love re-reading your work, man.

Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by Zampano at 2008-08-17 11:25:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SunnyG
Ranking: 2

this is like....the male equivalent of romance novels.

fucking love it, keep em comin

* ** *

That comment gets it right. Much enjoyed.

Submitted by SunnyG at 2008-08-16 20:35:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is like....the male equivalent of romance novels.

fucking love it, keep em comin

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-08-16 19:25:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mrwolf at 2008-08-15 07:19:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh man I'm going to enjoy this series. On to number 2.

Fucking missed you buddy!

-P

Submitted by sergeantslaughter at 2008-08-07 13:32:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-07-22 21:00:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Never really got why guys get all iffy when after the breakup the girl moves on first.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-22 19:07:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-22 19:06:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-22 08:10:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-22 07:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I am joking. He is not really a fat mess with an abrasive personality. He is actually quite dapper with a great sense of humour. Legend has it he's since lost a lot of weight as well.

Terribly highly strung though. Like a racehorse that eats kebabs and tells lies for a living.

--

I wish I ate kebabs for a living.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 07:37:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am always heavily pregnant!

But I opt for c section - just to keep my tuppence neat and pretty.

Sex with pregnant women is awesome. And wet.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-07-22 07:23:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pheely! You are a married woman, and a pregnant married woman at that!

You'll be well in. He quotes from Irvine Welsh all the time and he is particularly keen to have a go with a heavily pregnant woman.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 07:12:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought he looked like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oliver_Platt or maybe the copin Usual Suspects.
His posts are like a sweety shop - I haven't clicked on one and felt disappointed yet.
I hope he hasn't lost weight, I am rather partial to a rotund man.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-07-22 07:06:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am joking. He is not really a fat mess with an abrasive personality. He is actually quite dapper with a great sense of humour. Legend has it he's since lost a lot of weight as well.

Terribly highly strung though. Like a racehorse that eats kebabs and tells lies for a living.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 07:00:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-22 11:54:51 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-22 06:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I hope there will be a sex scene.
-----------------
You've clearly never met Spam before.
-----------------
??

Submitted by Berty at 2008-07-22 06:54:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-22 06:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I hope there will be a sex scene.
-----------------
You've clearly never met Spam before.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 06:40:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hope there will be a sex scene.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 06:40:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*cue* ??

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 06:39:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am waiting.

*que sinister music*

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-21 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Part 2 to be up shortly.

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2008-07-18 13:39:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A lot of potential here.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2008-07-18 10:43:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

As I reach for my phone and begin an evening spent texting every non-related female in there, my epiphany sighs.
======================================================================================

Dont limit your options chief, at least you have something in common with them.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-18 10:21:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"It's obvious what she means and there's a sadness to her as she speaks. I know what I have to do, I have to tell how sorry I am that I hurt her, the one girl I ever really loved."

Wow, that's so cliched I can't quite believe it.

--

Yeah I Know, it's shocking isn't it!

This is the first time in about a year that I've actually sat down and tried to type something up an I dodn't really do a lot of proof reading because I was fucking around with the formatting for so long. Afterwards I read it and thought "fuck, I can't believe I put that line in there."

Meh. this will improve as I get back into the routine of Uber again.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-07-18 10:17:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i can identify with the extremism you relate below. Now i'm pretty well even keeled but august to december is kind of a blur of alcohal, and women, lots of both. Look back and think holy shit that's kinda dirty and wrong but apparently it was called for or something.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2008-07-18 10:16:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was really good!

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-07-18 10:10:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"It's obvious what she means and there's a sadness to her as she speaks. I know what I have to do, I have to tell how sorry I am that I hurt her, the one girl I ever really loved."

Wow, that's so cliched I can't quite believe it.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-18 08:18:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Drake at 2008-07-18 07:52:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have a hard time taking love (or at least lust) advice from someone named spam.


It just doesn't seem right.


It's like taking it from someone named "Todd". I don't trust Todd's.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-18 07:01:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Indeed. Like a rape victim who doesn't put up a fight. No Fun.

I have serious problems finding a happy medium I think. I'm either on a ridiculous self-improvement tip where I try to live a life that's not my own in order to conform to what would be considered acceptable until I get completely fucked off with this and end up going on a 2 month drink, drug and fast-food binge that even I look back on and think "fucking hell that's excessive".

Having said that, I feel that going from extremes allows me to appreciate the full spectrum of the human experiance rather than just settleingin a comfort zone and plodding away mindlessly.

I have noticed that my infrequent spates on uber normally occur during these transistional periods from one to the other. Although I'm not entirely sure why that is.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2008-07-18 06:59:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-18 05:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Not so Bertrum. There was a breif period - from round about Dec 07 to Mar 08 - Where I was a normal, well adjusted, drink and drug free responsible adult. I stopped smoking, started eating well, excercised regularly and started to get into shape. I was comfortable with myself, started to enjoy my job and slept soundly at nights without the aid of narcotics for the first time since I was a teenager.

IT WAS BORING AS FUCK.


-----------------------------------

Fuck that! I still live like a teenager and long may it continue!

Apart from the serious relationship, but when you've got steak at home why go out for burgers.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-07-18 06:02:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well I was going to say. What is life without vice?

It would be like a woman with big boobs who does not grunt when she scrubs the table.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-18 05:59:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Not so Bertrum. There was a breif period - from round about Dec 07 to Mar 08 - Where I was a normal, well adjusted, drink and drug free responsible adult. I stopped smoking, started eating well, excercised regularly and started to get into shape. I was comfortable with myself, started to enjoy my job and slept soundly at nights without the aid of narcotics for the first time since I was a teenager.

IT WAS BORING AS FUCK.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-07-18 05:51:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ah Spam you're such a mess.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-18 05:21:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And I were having an sms conversation with somebody throughout the evening, arranged to meet them for dirnks only to have them not turn up, not answer their phone and not respond to any messages. I would probably call them a cunt too.
------------------------

I would probably give them the benefit of doubt, and suspect they had got held up, lost their phone, passed out in the gutter...

I think I may e stalk you. You are on my shortlist, now Hurty has gone.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-18 05:12:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't care, the whole 'are you ignoring me' scenario is weak.

I'd have just cut straight to 'CUNT'.

Cunt.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-18 05:09:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-18 04:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

The polyphonic bleep breaks the

-----------------------------------------------

What kind of shite phone doesn't have truetone?

Also, the last two messages from 'Hannah' were totally uncalled for.
Jumping to the old 'are you ignoring me' seems insecure.

--

MY phone. bitch.

And I were having an sms conversation with somebody throughout the evening, arranged to meet them for dirnks only to have them not turn up, not answer their phone and not respond to any messages. I would probably call them a cunt too.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-18 04:55:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The polyphonic bleep breaks the

-----------------------------------------------

What kind of shite phone doesn't have truetone?

Also, the last two messages from 'Hannah' were totally uncalled for.
Jumping to the old 'are you ignoring me' seems insecure.




Submitted by Fey at 2008-07-18 04:54:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by woolfe at 2008-07-18 04:18:27 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

fantastic

Submitted by Quint at 2008-07-18 03:46:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The art of getting laid by Method's Mom:

11:00pm - Method's Mom decided she wants to get laid
11:01pm - She opens her front door and lets in the next black guy in line
11:02pm - Method's Mom gets laid

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-18 02:40:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Benefit of the doubt +2

Submitted by Registered_S_O at 2008-07-17 21:24:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is nicely written. I am interested enough to check up on your progress. That's because I am lonely of course.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-07-17 20:39:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ace

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-07-17 20:25:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Anyone who takes 14 drinks ain't worth fucking.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-07-17 20:19:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

There's an actual "art" to this?

I usually just have to smile...and ask.













Oh, and buy them like 14 drinks.

Submitted by experima at 2008-07-17 20:07:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i read the entire thing start to finish and i loved it.

"illusion painted by alcohol on a canvas of heartbreak" was lovely.

the format was really interesting as well.

this goes in my favourites.

Submitted by Linus at 2008-07-17 20:01:23 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-17 19:58:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Yes, this is dull as fuck with almost pay-of. And Yes, for my first post in over a year, this is something of a disappointmnt.

But trust me Uber, having lived through this weekend of savagery already I can tell you, day 2 is fucking hilarious and days 3 and 4 are just plain fucking strange. Stick with me guys and hold your criticism, It'll be worth it.

Have I ever let you down yet?

Submitted by shadow at 2008-07-17 19:56:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


TV Announcer:
The following is a public service announcement: Excessive
alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the
rectum.

Homer: Mmm ... beer.

So It's Come To This: A Simpsons Clip Show


Jeez. No beer ... no opera dogs ...

-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Genius