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Ther art of getting laid - Day 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-22 19:01:57 EDT
Rating: 1.94 on 62 ratings (62 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Day 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117674


"I take it didn't go too well then?"

"Fuck off."

I'm not really a morning person at the best of times but after a restless night spent on somebody else's sofa when all I really wanted to do was have meaningless sex with the first available female, I'm in no mood for chit-chat. I rub my bleary eyes and creak to an upright position to grab my tea.

"I see you helped yourself to my whisky when you got in last night then?"

"Fuck off."

I'm not sure if I got any sleep last night but I guess I must have done. There's no way I could've gone through a bottle of that rancid shit and not passed out at some point but all I can remember is closing my eyes and being assaulted by images of Her every time I tried.


Friday: Day 2 - Hannah
11.02am


*****INCOMING SMS - HANNAH RAY*****
*** yo Sammy D!! u still being an ignorant fucker or are we on for drinks this pm?***



Joe's 26 and lives on a disused farm that I use as a base camp whenever I feel the need to come back home. Circumstances mean that while he’s not rich by any means, he’ll never have to work a day in his life. Instead he spends his days wearing tattered old jeans and a dirty ripped t-shirt trying to make his country home as self-sufficient as possible. Some people think he’s rude or just a bit strange but really, he just doesn’t give a fuck what other people think. It’s why I like him.

I once took him to a party full of pretentious Oxbridge graduates and while I spent the evening talking to everybody in a posh accent to take the piss, Joe went down a somewhat different path by getting shitfaced and repeatedly shouting: “GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU BUNCH OF STUCK UP USELESS CUNTS”

I don’t think I’ve ever loved anybody as much as I did that boy right then


1.00pm

" 'Ello booty."

Hannah saunters into the beer garden with a pint of lager in one hand a Malibu and coke in the other. Smiling, she sits down, takes a large draught from the pint and passes me the Malibu which I eye with unmasked contempt.

"You taking the fucking piss?"

"Yep."

“Cunt.”

She's put on a bit of weight and her face seems to have aged in the six months since we last got together but I can't help but like her, she's the true definition of a 'nice personality'.

"How's things? Still seeing that blond bird?"

I let out an involuntarily sigh, knowing this is a mistake immediately but it's too late and her interest is peaked so there's no way I can go through the afternoon without telling the story. Yet again, after taking a sip from the rancid girly concoction she's bought me, I find myself starting a date by talking about my ex-girlfriend and my broken heart.


1.45pm

"So she dumped you for a black guy?"

"Well yeah, I guess... but that's not really the point Hannah."

"Don't worry dude, he's probably given her AIDS by now anyway."

Even though it hurts, I can't help but laugh, calling Hannah was a good move. She's simple, uncomplicated, easy. I make the decision right there to sack my evening date off and stay with Han.


5.00pm


*****INCOMING SMS – SHARON JONES******
***We still meeting up today dude? I’m having a really shitty day and could do with a chat***



Fuck that


*****REPLY TO – SHARON JONES******
***Sorry chick, somethings come up – raincheck?***


8.00pm


The thing that’d come up was a fucking unholy amount of alcohol. Jesus Christ this girl drinks like a pikey at happy hour.

After bar-hopping all day I’m way past unsteady so we’ve settled for her local Social Club. Her dad’s on the committee and her mum runs the bar so it’s best behaviour all round which is a chore because all I want to do right now is pass out in a puddle of my own piss and vomit.

Hannah, looking rosy cheeked and tipsy, grabs a guy from the bar and hauls him over to stand next to me.

“Sam this is David. David, keep Sam out of trouble while I go for a piss."

This is awkward, I know this guy even though I’ve never met him. He and Hannah were engaged for two years before she broke it off and proceeded to whore it up with a slew of one-night stands. Enter: Me. Annoyingly, the more we talk, the more I realise that actually, he’s quite a likeable guy.

Hannah Returns and immediately fucks up what looks to be a budding friendship.

“David, Sam is the younger upgrade I replaced you with.”

What. The Fuck?

The comment freezes the smile on his face and I watch it slide gradually from amused merriment to injured sorrow in the space of seconds. Pride and etiquette dictate that he should just walk away angrily but he can’t and I don’t blame him. I share his outrage.

“Why the fuck would you say something like that? That’s a fucking horrible thing to say”

His voice is soft but that just makes the impact more profound and, as they face each other in a moment of noiseless fury, I find myself stealthily shuffling over to stand next to David rather than back Hannah up.


*****INCOMING SMS – JULIE HARRIS*****
***Hi babe, had a great night last night, you still out in town tonight?***


*****REPLY TO – JULIE HARRIS*****
***Sorry didn’t make it, am in a club out in the burbs.***


*****INCOMING SMS – JULIE HARRIS*****
***Aww what?! I’ve only come out because I thought you were out and I wanted to see you. Please come meet me. xxx***



I look from my phone to the still-silent argument raging in front of me. No contest.


*****REPLY TO – JULIE HARRIS*****
***There in 10 ***


00.12am


The pub is dark but it’s the booze that’s blinded me. Jules sits slouched up against my chest with her hand on my thigh and somehow, my arm has worked it’s way round her shoulders. I’ve no idea where we are or how we got here but that’s not important. Music pumps through the wall of speakers near the stage but despite the cacophony, we’re both sleepy, groggy. Content.

“I love you.” She breathes to me.

“Me too,” I say, rather lamely.


02.00am

Joe, who I assume joined us earlier in the night glares at us awkwardly as we wait for a cab in the wind and rain. Julie is pressed up against me, trying lethargically to wrap my overcoat around her as well. I don’t complain.

“I’ll see you cunts later” he slurs, before staggering off into the night.


02.26am

Gently, I lower her onto the bed and place the duvet cover over her unconscious form, fully clothed. I stay there for a timeless moment and bask in the peaceful serenity of her expression. She really is quite beautiful.

The cab pips his horn outside and so I kiss her affectionately on the forehead before sliding out of the door, proud that, even in this state of drunken desperation, I only really considered getting into bed with her for a second or so.


03.00am

It’s a different story now of course. Massively drunk, totally drenched, bone-tired and locked outside the farmhouse that I’ve never needed a key for because it’s always been open, I’m wishing I'd got into that bed uninvited, or at least crashed on the sofa. Where the fuck is Joe?

I hunch up against his front door trying to shield myself from the lashing rain and try to get some sleep but every time I do I see Her face. That Cunt. Laughing at my best laid plans for the weekend unravel.

This isn’t how this story’s supposed to end. It’s supposed to end in a bed, any bed, with me sleeping contentedly, wrapped up in the warmth of a beautiful woman.

But instead I’m here in the dark. Cold, wet and utterly alone. A failure drenched in bleak depression that falls from a black sky.


*****INCOMING SMS – HANNAH RAY*****
***WHERE R U??? I’m bored. Wanna fuck???***



It doesn’t matter how she acted earlier. Doesn’t matter that I’m drenched and my legs are coated in mud, That alcohol and sleep deprivation mean I’ve only got about 30 minutes of consciousness left in me. All that matters is whether or not I can afford the £9.50 cab fare back into town.

I empty my pockets and claw through the loose change with a mad glare of hope in my eye.

£9.82

Providence.


03.12am

The rain mists in the fluorescent arc of the cab’s headlamps as it pulls up to the gated entrance and my heart soars. I feel sober, rejuvenated, ready. This is what this was all about Sam. Get the girl and fuck the girl to forget the girl. I don’t fucking care if I’ve built this up too much now, if its disappointing, if she’s too drunk to stay awake. Fact is, the targets that were set on my sofa at 3pm on that cloudy Wednesday afternoon are all about to be fulfilled. Life is fucking brilliant.

The door of the cab swings open and my whole world crumbles.

Joe literally falls out of the taxi onto the wet grass gurgling incoherently, totally fucked up beyond all bounds of acceptability. An angry cabbie leers over the passenger seat at him menacingly.

“Tenner.” he growls.

“HA! I’ve got no fucking money! Fuck Yoooooou!!” Joe begins to laugh uncontrollably over his clever jape before sinking into a coughing fit, vomiting up against the wheel of the car and passing out with a smug grin on his face.

My thoughtful gaze shifts from Joe, to the cabbie, to my phone before finally resting on the £9.80 that’s still in my hand. It's the only money I have and represents the only chance I've got of getting back into town to meet Hannah while she's still drunk enough to touch my penis.

It's not an instant decision.

Not even a quick one.

“What happens if I don’t pay for him?”

The cabbie just glares at me.



I don’t think I’ve ever hated anybody as much as I do that boy right now.






Part 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/117802




Review This Item

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Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by Zampano at 2008-08-17 11:37:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SunnyG at 2008-08-16 20:41:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mrwolf at 2008-08-15 07:51:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking hilarious.

-P

Submitted by sergeantslaughter at 2008-08-07 13:39:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-08-07 13:21:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by regal1975 at 2008-07-25 12:24:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nice

Submitted by tatersninja at 2008-07-24 15:18:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JoeyG at 2008-07-24 14:55:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I feel for you man, I really do.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2008-07-23 14:57:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

RE: Spam

Sometimes that happens to me where I'll get sidetracked and then come back and try to re-insert myself into the post, usually with horrible results. Or I'll go back through and read something before clicking post and realize that it's completely awful and will get torn to shreds by the masses...but I post anyway. Or like today! I had a good post going and then from out of fucking nowhere, my computer just shut down. Maybe it could be that three people next to me have their heaters on in July and overloaded the circuit...

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-07-23 14:34:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-23 11:54:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Sometimes the writing seems lackluster but then a paragraph or two later, it's excellent. Really enjoying this series and my heart sank a little after reading the end of this one.

--
Yeah, I've noticed the dichotomy on the re-read myself. I actually write this while at work between phone calls, so the crappy bits are where I'm actually on the phone talking about insurance and typing at the same.

Submitted by BobSandwich at 2008-07-23 10:57:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Believeable enough

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2008-07-23 10:53:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sometimes the writing seems lackluster but then a paragraph or two later, it's excellent. Really enjoying this series and my heart sank a little after reading the end of this one.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-23 10:23:03 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

2 more to go if I can be arsed to write them up before this weekend. If not, they will never get written as I will probably disappear back into the ether after that.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2008-07-23 10:02:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Enjoying this series.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-07-23 09:35:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh, and Hi Spam, long time no see. didn't even notice the first post was you.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-07-23 09:33:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

FJ, you just want to read a shag scene. Perv.

Paul Smith http://www.flickr.com/photos/82771975@N00/1407216267/
I also have a thing for Barry Hyde. Barry. Really.



Hi I'm Barry. wink wink nudge nudge


Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-23 08:38:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-23 07:55:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Thank you butters.

I wish I could say the same, but normally a return to Uber for me means I am either working a shitty call centre job again, massively depressed and need to vent or in the midst of a mission of self-destructive excess.

Currently it's all three.

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2008-07-23 07:35:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice seeing you around these parts again, Spamuel.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-07-23 06:28:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ahh, Sam, you crazy.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 06:02:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:56:50 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

No, just used it to curry favour with the natives. Though I do really like rorrim. He is a sweety.
---------------

Bit of cumin and a few spices.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-07-23 05:57:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'm gonna post about the art of not having to get up to pee during the night more than twice, maybe three. thank YOu spam.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:56:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No, just used it to curry favour with the natives. Though I do really like rorrim. He is a sweety.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:48:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

This list sounds intriguing if that bum fluffer is on it.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:41:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FJ isn't on. And drogo was born in Malta, so all is good.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-23 05:40:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm not on the list dude.

Drogo is though...

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:38:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

P.S FJ's a Brit

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:38:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

gotta have a list

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:32:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nothing. It was getting long, so I culled the Brits.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:30:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Uh oh!! what have I done!

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:28:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You were...

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:27:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i have no idea what i was talking about then.

am i on a list?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:25:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

haha *wipes tears from eyes *

priceless, love you.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-23 05:21:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, I do like a nice bit o' blue. I used to write loads of erotica, but I kinda got out of the habit.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:16:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FJ, you just want to read a shag scene. Perv.

Paul Smith http://www.flickr.com/photos/82771975@N00/1407216267/
I also have a thing for Barry Hyde. Barry. Really.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-23 05:13:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hope this will have a part 3 with a 'happy ending.'

Who is Paul Smith?

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:12:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:10:36 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:54:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

I didn't mean I was your slump munter.
Since you don't look like Paul Smith, I wouldn't be interested anyway.
----------
Of course!

Does every other male on Uber look like Paul Smith then?? ;)
-------------------
I believe I only flirt with FJ and Hidden. I challenge you to find another guy on Uber I flirt with.

You can't include men from my Hot List, they are simply men I admire.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 05:10:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:54:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

I didn't mean I was your slump munter.
Since you don't look like Paul Smith, I wouldn't be interested anyway.
----------
Of course!

Does every other male on Uber look like Paul Smith then?? ;)

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:09:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, that was vulgar of me, sorry. I don't anyway, as it happens.
And I have backne, a limp and I stammer.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 05:03:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that she's fat and bearded.

-------------------

Oh great, I stand a chance then. Only I lack any kind of personality and I have been sectioned a few times. But I do give fantastic blow jobs.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-23 04:57:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Don't be ridiculous, I describe one of them here as having put on weight with and 'aged' face and a 'nice personality' which basically means that she's fat and bearded.

Anyway, true beauty is relative to the situation - I've seen a few absolute howlers that look fucking gorgeous with my balls resting on their chin.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 04:54:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I didn't mean I was your slump munter.
Since you don't look like Paul Smith, I wouldn't be interested anyway.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 04:26:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:24:43 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

I have always gone for men waaay to attractive for me and been surprised when they take interest.

Oh god, I am a 'get out of a slump' munter.

:(
-----------

I always go for girls too ugly for me, so you could be in with a shot.


Its ok, im not in a slump!

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 04:24:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have always gone for men waaay to attractive for me and been surprised when they take interest.

Oh god, I am a 'get out of a slump' munter.

:(

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 04:19:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have slept with plenty of munters I always felt it was the only way to get me out of a slump.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 04:18:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Also, I like how every woman you ever slept with / want to sleep with is 'beautiful'.
Like you never chase a munter.

Reds iphone will be replaced with a new model in a few months.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-23 04:15:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"DUAL WOT, WOT STUPID CHUBI".
-----------------------------

Oh dear jesus, I love sending tets like that when I am drunk.
My favourite is 'foot'. I do 'fot' a lot.

However, my mother still texts totally in block capitals, and never fails to sign off LOVE NUN.
She is tee total, so she has no excuse.


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-23 04:12:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

for the love of god jake shut the hell up about your iphone!

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-07-22 21:08:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This reads like some of my weekends. Except I usually get laid. And I stay away from hooking up with friends, because then there's the awkward 'sooooo best be off before your girlfriend gets back, see you at the pub on tuesday VIP night, tell anyone I kill you'

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-22 20:53:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is quite possibly a post.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-22 20:53:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dual is FUCK! of course it is. I have often told people to 'dual ned'



Predictive texting is the devil's own service.








or at least Three are. Anyone who is stuck with one of those contracts is already in purgatory.








*cradles iPhone*








DAMN - it doesn't do video does it? I shall nevertheless endeavour to add pictures of myself to every text as a documentary process.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-22 20:50:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm going to start sending video messages to people. I've decided that this is the way forward.

of

It will also give me a handy visual record of drunkenness and my progression to stupidly drunk.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-22 20:46:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

ahaha!! Actually, I have to keep things short and snappy with Texts otherwise I get carried away with my own inflated sense of eloquence and end up spending £8 on a 26 page message that could've just said "Sounds good to me"

Plus have you ever tried to use predictive text when in the middle of an 8 hour drinking binge. "DUAL WOT, WOT STUPID CHUBI".

most amusing.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-22 20:37:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.




I reckon your SMSs are usually quite dull actually. How come no one gets value for money. You get 160 characters boyo, there are people starving in Africa just begging for 160 characters, and there's you with your 'there in 10'



BAH

Submitted by Sinistral at 2008-07-22 20:27:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm giving you a +2 just because I feel fucking sorry for you.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-22 20:00:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

again, I would like to point out that whilst maybe not that interesting, this story is 100% true.

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-07-22 19:29:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Loser.

Submitted by experima at 2008-07-22 19:14:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-07-22 19:11:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-22 19:07:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Oh everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained us in the
backyard is cruel. Pulling his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is
cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets An Elephant