My Uber-conSubmitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-23 11:51:07 EDT
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*NOTE* This is something I started on almost a year ago, and kept adding on to as I thought them up. I just recently found it again after about 6 months, and decided to post it as is.
"And you thought you were fucked up!"
"They're all gonna laugh at you!"
"I regret nothing, though I probably should"
"Explains so much!"
I’m not opposed to a Georgia Ubercon, but this is something else. My purpose here is a form of purging, and at the same time, I’m going to give you something to laugh at- ME.
This is going to be self-depreciation of my worst kind, as I am confessing to every embarrassing act that I can recall at the moment from my poor misguided life.
Here we go:
Section A: Masturbation
1) When I was 11, I discovered the act of masturbation, unfortunately, I fell asleep in my spooge soon after.
2) At 12, I watched a bestiality flick with my cousin. It was his dad’s. There were some really skanky looking women going at it with pigs, dogs, and yes, donkeys.
3) Also at 12, while watching scrambled skinemax with the cousin mentioned above, we put up an army cot as a screen between us, and wanked simultaneously.
4) Also at 12, while taking a shower one day, I decided to “test” to make certain I wasn’t gay. To do this, I stuck my finger up my ass. We had one of those glass shower doors, and my dad walked in while this was happening. He backed out of the room, and I just kind of stood there. Thankfully, he's never mentioned it, and neither have I. I’m saving that shit for his deathbed.
5) When I was 14, my uncle got married. They had a hotel booked up, and I ended up bunking with aforementioned uncle. When we were walking back to the room, we passed the pool, in which was some old guy, with a rather attractive prostitute. After I thought everyone had fallen asleep, I tried to sneak out of the room, to go find some place safe to jerk, but couldn't find a place out of sight. I ended up jerking it off the side of the bed, which I was sharing with my uncle.
6) Aside from the usual places, I have masturbated in 2 churches, one graveyard (sorry Darryl Jones 1929-1986), my grandmas bathroom, in a deer stand, at work, home, my car (while driving on the interstate), in a junkyard, and in several of my friend's houses.
NOTE: If any of you are reading this, I'm sorry, but don't act so surprised.
I've always been honest about it. You just thought I was joking.
7)I have been tricked into jerking it to tranny porn. I just saw her (it's?) tits, and
didn't scroll down until afterwards.
I didn't masturbate again for 2 weeks.
That's an obvious lie.
While I did have a cabin in the woods behind my house, I didn't store my porn there, or take girls there. I found some old WW1 army manuals there from the previous occupant. I stored my porn in a section of rusted out farm machinery, used for the pickers (or mexicans as we called them) to sit on and hover over the tops to cut off the tobacco flowers as the tractor pulled down the rows.
You can thank my family and friends for doing our part in the last 75 years of tobacco related cancer. Also, you might be smoking my jizz.
End Section A, I'm sure there is more, but it's enough for now.
Section B: Beliefs
I wasn't joking.
2)I have at different times truly believed myself to be:
b)a new messiah
e)a mutant (I read too many X-men comics when I was younger)
f)autistic (asperger's syndrome specifically)
g)schizophrenic (not as likely as h)
h)a sufferer of schizophrenoform disorder
i)OCD (also likely)
j)a good writer (HA!)
3)I have several far-flung theories attempting to explain how the universe works.
a)Whatever is isn't, and whatever isn't is.
b)God and Satan are 2 different sides of the same coin.
c)All religions are right, but they're also all wrong.
d)If I ever think I know anything about life, or anything that is important in the long term, and I speak of it, it changes to spite me.
e)Everything, and I mean everything, goes in cycles or waves. From brain waves, and time, and heart beats, and watches, and soil, and air to luck, and power, and fortune, and success.
It's all just ebb and flow.
4)I have the strange and unsettling feeling that Ubersite only consists of around 20 people, and their 20,000 alters. I also have the feeling that the 20 people all know each other, and just set up B@W to draw people here to fuck with for their amusement.
I couldn't begin to guess who is a genuine separate person and who is an alter of an alter of an alter of an alter, etc.
5)I figured out that the Easter bunny wasn't real when I was 7. I didn't catch on to Santa until I was 10.
I believed that a pastor with 2 years of training and blind dogma could determine whether or not I went to hell until I was 15.I'm only just beginning to realize that I have no clue, and likely never will have a clue what happens when I die, until I die.
6)I spend far too much time obsessing, plotting, and fantasizing about perpetrating every form of violent crime known to man. I scare myself sometimes, but what scares me more often is that these thoughts only "occasionally" worry me, even though they occur every day, most of the day.
7)I don't care what color you are, if you're ignorant, I'm calling you a "dumb, fucking nigger."
It pains me though that I must spare that insult to African-Americans because of the actions of a bunch of dumb fucking niggers that thought slavery was cool back in the day.
Enough of that.
Section C: Drugs
1) I have snorted cocaine, meth, and crystallized MDMA.
I have smoked crack and meth.
I have taken somewhere in the range of 150-200 hits of LSD, and eaten approximately 2 lbs. of shrooms.
I have popped far too many random pills.
I have mainlined Dilaudid.
I still occasionally drink, and smoke dope, but I'm okay with that.
I exaggerated there. I was only homeless for a few days, because I made friends quickly. I also spent further time under the heavens after this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/112103#2540031
The saddest part was that I had my mom drop me off, telling her I was going to find God because she's the religious type. My true intentions were to disappear completely and hope everyone forgot about me so that I could give up completely and devote my life to self-destruction through chemicals.
I was back home in a week looking for a job and happy I didn't go through with it. Perhaps I did find God up there.
3)This could also have fit in with beliefs, but it's also about substance abuse.
I have a very strong conviction that AA/NA is a cult. My father was a horrible drunk until I was about 12, and then got heavy into an AA/NA lifestyle. They warp your mind by telling you that only through AA can you ever hope to avoid falling back into your old habits.
It's really just a matter of willpower.
Section D: Physical abnormalities.
1) My left ball hangs lower than the right. I've heard that this is common, but it always freaks me out when I notice it and think about it.
2) My nose hairs grow fast enough that if I didn't trim them, within a month I could braid them.
3)The base of my shaft has tiny bumps on it. I call them "pleasure enhancers," but my wife says they're probably just genital warts. Before any of you say anything about this, keep in mind that over 90% of Americans are infected with HPV, and never know it, so you probably all have it too, and while it has the possibility of being harmful, it's usually just benign, and doesn't do anything.
4)I'm cut, which technically is an abnormality, but I don't think I'm alone in the opinion that a hooded trouser snake is just as unattractive as an overly bushy vag.
5)I have squarish, huge, hairy hobbit feet.
6)Due to years of nose-picking, I've actually increased the diameter of my nostrils to the point that I can fit my thumb up to the second bone.
Section E: Shameful Acts (not covered previously, or unable to categorize.)
1)I've robbed a couple of houses before, not for any real need for anything, just for the thrill. I never took anything important, just liquor and spare change, and once, a cheap, Mexican made Arabian type sword.
2)My old neighbor was a pretty good friend, and his family were decent friends, though they
always carried drama with them, and had lots of drug problems. When he died last year, I didn't attend his funeral, and the last time I spoke to his daughter (a decent friend), was when she called and told me he died and when the funeral would be.
This list could go on and on, and I may occasionally post little updates to it, maybe not, we'll see. I may revise and repost at a later date with the full gamut of my memories, maybe not.
Either way, I'm going to submit it now, and feel better for knowing that I've done the internet version of wearing only a trench-coat and flashing a tourist group with lots of small children.
I'd like to say I can imagine that there will be jaws dropping, but let's be real here, this is the internet, and you've all heard and seen much worse, but it makes me feel better all the same.
And now for those of you who, either through inability or unwillingness won't read this, a new camwhore:
Hastily taken picture in my car for the Illiterati.jpg