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Bret begs on the streets.
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The art of getting laid - Interlude

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 08:10:39 EDT
Rating: 1.78 on 72 ratings (72 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I sleep for the first time in days, dreams a warped miasma of the hours I spent with Her. Time wasted. I dream of phone calls that stretch into the early hours, of train journeys and hotel rooms. Of the complete and unadulterated joy in meeting up with her after our time apart. Rose-tinted memories of the night I moved away and how tender she was, how loving, how we promised each other that we'd make it work despite the distance between us. Mostly I dream of our laughter, soft and intimate, throaty chuckles shared as we lay in bed together, not quite sleeping.

And when I awake, for a second at least, it feels like I'm still there, like we've still got it, like there's still somebody walking around this earth that actually cares for me. Loves me.

And then I remember that I'm not, and we haven't and there isn't because she doesn't. Probably, she never did.

And it's like a punch in the stomach, a sharp pain that never abates. It clouds my every thought and crushes me with every pain racked movement I make.

And I stay there for a while, a long fucking while, using up every ounce of concentration I have to make it all stop, to find a single fucking reason why I should bother to get off this sofa and go about my day.

But even then, It never goes away.


Saturday
9.30am


Joe prods me with his foot to see if I'm awake for the second time in as many mornings but everything feels different today, less jovial. I see his face register shock as I sit up off the couch to face him and I don't have to look in the mirror to know that I look like shit, tired eyes haunting an unshaven face. He looks just as bad as well, a consequence of spending the majority of last night passed out in a ditch outside.

"Sleep well?" He eyes the 2nd empty whisky bottle on the table as he asks and nods, knowing that he doesn't really need an answer.

"You?" I reply, forcing a smile. I remember taking his keys from his coat and leaving him unconscious in the rain.

"Fuck you" he says.

We sit there in silence for a long time, each of us trying to piece together the shattered memories of the previous evening and both trying to work out at exactly what point it all went so wrong. After a while Joe produces a bottle of vodka from behind his sofa and pours out two glasses knowing that to ask first would be insulting. And we sit, quietly drinking the morning away, not feeling the need to speak to each other unless we really believe it's worth it.

And lets face it, when you're both drinking neat vodka from dirty glasses at nine o'clock in the morning, it rarely is.


11.05am


*****INCOMING SMS - SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED*****
****Hi Sammy, I heard you were back in town last night. Are you okay? I miss you... Nikki.***



My first reaction is elation, joy that she's messaged me and delight in what it says. That soon subsides though and in it's place grows a deep and brooding anger. Fuck Her. Fuck her for telling me that I wasn't good enough for her those weeks ago. Fuck Her for thinking it's okay to treat people like shit and then smile at them a month later as though nothing ever happened. Fuck Her for calling me last week and setting the wheels in motion that led me to be here, on this sofa, miles from home, lonely and depressed and in the middle of a weekend of drunken disappointment.

But mainly I'm angry at myself.

Because there's no denying my first reaction was still one of elation.


16.12pm

Seeing Leon was a smart move.

There's a pang of resentment as I light my first spliff in 6 months and yeah, it does piss me off that I've reverted to this because of Her but all of that goes as soon as I take my first glorious lungful, it all goes along with everything else. I don't feel angry anymore and the heavy weight of inferiority lifts from my chest. But I'm not happy either. Or tired, or hungover. I'm no longer depressed or hungry.

As I lay back and lazily close my eyes for a thankfully dreamless sleep, I feel absolutely nothing whatsoever.

And it's fucking wonderful.






Day 3 http://www.ubersite.com/m/118001


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Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by Zampano at 2008-08-17 11:41:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-08-16 19:24:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Registered_S_O at 2008-08-16 00:52:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

furiously tugging away in a race to jizz before succumbing to the darkness.




one of the most despicable comments I have ever read.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2008-08-15 09:13:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-08-07 13:21:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge at 2008-07-25 23:07:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sure.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-07-25 22:00:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

PayMeLater-HotWillie blows.

Submitted by PayMeLater at 2008-07-25 21:53:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bubba below.

Submitted by regal1975 at 2008-07-25 19:06:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

eagerly awaiting more.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-07-25 15:50:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Somewhat amusing series. Definately better then most of the shit being posted these days.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-25 15:49:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ballare at 2008-07-25 14:58:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

too*

FUCK GRAMMAR

Submitted by Ballare at 2008-07-25 14:58:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

now who's trying to hard, Orphelia

HUH?!

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-07-25 13:04:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 12:35:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh and spam, little Gary Junior has an ASBO in Wolverhampton so we can't go there. besides, it was all a little too upmarket for me.

Maybe i will move to Hull.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 12:30:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 16:47:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

You're right of course. She should just move to Wolverhampton, call her half-breed spawn Frogmella and be done with it, hoping each day that her rotten tit hasn't fallen off yet.
-------------------------------

Yes, it wasn't cancer, turns out I just have a shite pair of tits.

No previous partner said anything. but then, there isn't much chance to get totally naked in the back of a Ford Mondeo or in the ally behind Lexis.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 12:28:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-25 16:32:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

she's a beaten down council whore who knows she's a worthless family allowance holding breeding machine.

one needs a sense of pride to be insulted, you may as well try and insult a potted plant.



-------------------------------------------------------

I have told you before, I am with the local housing association and it isn't family allowance anymore it is tax credit.

What is pride? is that what lions live in?

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2008-07-25 11:58:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 11:47:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You're right of course. She should just move to Wolverhampton, call her half-breed spawn Frogmella and be done with it, hoping each day that her rotten tit hasn't fallen off yet.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-07-25 11:32:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

she's a beaten down council whore who knows she's a worthless family allowance holding breeding machine.

one needs a sense of pride to be insulted, you may as well try and insult a potted plant.



Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 11:29:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

yeah, I tried to start on Orphelia but she's such a useless cunt that she actually enhoyed it.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-07-25 11:20:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2.

i thought you'd like a bit of drama.



Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 10:59:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Except Rob Berg, he's a real quitter.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 10:49:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

nobody ever really quits anything.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 10:49:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh go reward yourself, you deserve it!

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 10:48:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yes. That's how hard it was to quit.

Not smoking weed for 6 months after 6 years of daily intake was so fucking tough that once I did it
, I really needed a spliff.


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 10:47:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

yeah dont buy anymore, it is great stuff but if you have quit, you have quit.

You are gonna have to quit all over again

Submitted by Fey at 2008-07-25 10:44:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It was really tough to quit, so you're going to go buy some more?

Are we speaking the same language?

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 10:37:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You resent her for you smoking?

--

More annoyed at myself for getting that fucked up over somebody I started up again. It was really tough to quit smoking weed and I miss it every fucking day.

In fact fuck it, I'm gonna go buy an ounce tonight.

Submitted by Fey at 2008-07-25 10:21:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You resent her for you smoking?

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 10:18:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:50:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

If it comes out black, just call it 'AIDS' to make future diagosis easier for the doctors.
-------------------------------

I am pretty sure it won't come out Asian, I went to the toilet STRAIGHT after, so I am hedging my bets on black, white, very possibly chinese.

Maury and his team are being very supportive.

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-07-25 10:09:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Its all a bit...I don't know...meh.
------------------------------------
I knew there was a reason I don't like him.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 09:50:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

If it comes out black, just call it 'AIDS' to make future diagosis easier for the doctors.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 09:36:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:34:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

BJ
----

OD

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 09:35:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:32:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III

But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
--------------

We went with Finlay (don't know why with an A, because it's still pronnounced Fin-ley).

It suits him just fine.
---------------------------------------------

I like both spellings.

It will be Finley if the baby comes out white, Reuben if it comes out black.


Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 09:34:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

BJ

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-25 09:33:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:29:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III

But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
~~~~~~~~~~~
You should give the new arrival a hip, snappy name, without any vowels.

Like KT. Or JD. Or FJ.

Submitted by myshit at 2008-07-25 09:33:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ugh, spelling is horrid.

Submitted by myshit at 2008-07-25 09:32:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III

But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
--------------

We went with Finlay (don't know why with an A, because it's still pronnounced Fin-ley).

It suits him just fine.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III

But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 09:26:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

*Good as zero bootfuck.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 09:26:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Read in the paper today about a girl whose name was 'Tahlula does the Hula in Hawaii'

That's almost as Zero Bootfuck.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-25 09:22:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 09:20:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 09:20:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

you're a sharp one.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 09:17:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:13:25 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

No, I understand he had a fetish for the stench of puke. Saw your picture, immediately vomited, started choking on the pungent stream and them, with his last vestige of strength, exposed his engorged penis and began furiously tugging away in a race to jizz before succumbing to the darkness.

Apparently he splooged right at the instant of death and his body mysteriously became 28 grams lighter.
-------------------------
Are you being mean??

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-07-25 09:17:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

First-year students at Auburn University Vet school were receivingtheir first anatomy class, with a realdead cow. They all gathered around the surgerytable with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class bytelling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. ' As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in thebutt of the dead cow, withdrew it andstuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and dothe same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the analopening of the dead cow and suckingon it. When everyone finished, the Professorlooked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to payattention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 09:13:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

No, I understand he had a fetish for the stench of puke. Saw your picture, immediately vomited, started choking on the pungent stream and them, with his last vestige of strength, exposed his engorged penis and began furiously tugging away in a race to jizz before succumbing to the darkness.

Apparently he splooged right at the instant of death and his body mysteriously became 28 grams lighter.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-25 09:02:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

SHE spells her own full name wrong. Don't worry about it.

;)

Submitted by tmofw at 2008-07-25 08:56:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

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Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:50:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
-----------------------

Do NOT use familiar pet names with me, tmofw.
It is Ms Orphelia to you.
--------------

And I only opted for Orph because I'd have spelled your full name wrong :o(

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 08:55:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

LOVE YOU ORPHELIA!

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:55:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:46:35 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

at least he died wanking.

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I am gonna take it over my picture.


Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-25 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I didn't lurk at all. I found uber, read a few things and signed up straight away. That's why I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on at first, and still don't really.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:50:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
-----------------------

Do NOT use familiar pet names with me, tmofw.
It is Ms Orphelia to you.

Submitted by tmofw at 2008-07-25 08:50:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I find it really odd that a new user would even know he is , let alone care!
----------------

A new user?



Orph, calm the fuck down. No I am not happy he is dead. Did I even suggest that I would be?

I don't think it's very funny joking about the matter and if the poor young man is dead, well... I'd like to know so as not to insult his memory like some I could mention.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:50:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I 'felt' like I 'knew' half of Uber just from 'lurking' el.

look at all my ''.

I am so lame. And have a vomit inducing visage.
'Apparently'.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:47:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:45:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.

--

Dead. Choked on his own vomit after seeing orphelia's picture.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can't put me off. Your insults I will treat as little signs of blossoming love.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 08:46:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I find it really odd that a new user would even know he is , let alone care!

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 08:46:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

at least he died wanking.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 08:45:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.

--

Dead. Choked on his own vomit after seeing orphelia's picture.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:44:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:43:55 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.
-------------------------

he is dead. happy now?

Submitted by tmofw at 2008-07-25 08:43:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 08:40:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

DOOMED I TELL YOU, DOOMED.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:40:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:37:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Its all a bit...I don't know...meh.

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You are just jealous of my new stalker victim, doris.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-25 08:40:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

WE'RE ALL DOOMED

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-07-25 08:37:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Its all a bit...I don't know...meh.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-25 08:34:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 08:31:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sorry that was mean

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-25 08:20:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:13:36 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

So... Is HurtByTheSun Dead or not?
-------------
Why do you care NEWBIE!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-07-25 08:18:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

As I lay back and lazily close my eyes for a thankfully dreamless sleep, I feel absolutely nothing whatsoever.

And it's fucking wonderful.

Submitted by tmofw at 2008-07-25 08:13:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So... Is HurtByTheSun Dead or not?


What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet. Big deal.
It'll burn up in out atmosphere, and whatever's left will be no bigger
than a chihuahua's head.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart's Comet