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Appropriate Places to Pee

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-31 21:27:05 EDT
Rating: 1.58 on 68 ratings (68 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I recently got my graduates degree in Education, and am finally a certified teacher after 6 mind numbing years of post-sec, but for the summer I am a hotel front desk girl. My last day is 2 weeks away, and then I move to take a teaching job.

Last night I worked my last graveyard shift - I've seen a lot of crazy shit working on this shift, at various hotels, but the worst of it always seems to involve the same thing. Once, back when I used to smoke, I found a guy in the outdoor stairwell that leads to the underground parking lot. It was -35 C and mid-January and he had no shirt on. He was facing away from me and, eyes closed, running his hands up and down over the concrete wall as if he was trying to read braille. I asked him if he was okay...'Are you okay sir?' He promptly slurred at me to fuck off, pulled out his wang and proceeded to piss all over the goddamn stairwell. Turning to face me, I leapt out of the way of a steaming stream of amber. Policy is that if you don't know the guests name, you address them as Sir or Ma'am.

"Sir! You are NOT allowed to urinate in the stairwell! I NEED you stop that immediately!" I yelled as I frantically, and ultimately lamely, wagged my finger.

"Fuck off" he mumbled, before blacking out and falling into his own piss. This is a 4 star hotel with a nightclub called MacDaddies attached to it. Pretty fucking classy.

But that's not really what this story is about.

My friend Ben - who I have written about in the past http://www.ubersite.com/m/69233
has been hassling me to let him come up and use the pool. I figured, tonight being my last night shift, that it would be a good time to let him. He picked up our mutual friend Laila and they drove up. I cut them a key and let them in. After about 30 minutes, Laila comes up to the desk.

"How was it?" I asked.

"Ben pissed in one of the plants by the pool" she said. "But don't tell him I told you".

"He what?"

"Dude, he totally pissed in one of the plants".

"But there are washrooms just outside of the pool area!"

"Dude, I know - it was pretty gross".

At this point, Ben saunters into the lobby. I looked at him, hands on hips, disapprovingly.

"What?" he asked.

It was like reprimanding a puppy for shitting on a carpet. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" I interrogated.

"What?! Nothing!!" he said in his best exasperated voice.

I glared at Ben, Ben glanced to Laila, and Laila looked, with great interest, at a pen that had somehow made it to the floor at her feet.

"YOU SNITCH!" he yelled.

"Ben you can't just go around pissing in plants! You're not even technically allowed to be here. I'm doing you a favour. What the fuck?"

"Relax Ducky" he started..."it'll just absorb into the soil - like it matters".

"DUDE NONE OF THOSE PLANTS ARE REAL. There is now a styrofoam block swimming in a pool of your piss with a fake fucking ficus tree growing out of it".

"Oh dude, seriously? Sorry about that".

*Shakes head* "I hate you so much".

"You'll get over it, thanks for letting us use the pool. Oh, and by the way, there's a used bandaid at the bottom of the deep end - it's pretty nasty - you should have that removed".

He grabbed a handful of mints out of the dish on the front counter with his chubby sausage-like fingers, and shoved them into his pocket.

"Let's go you goddamn snitch" he said, and they left.

I am really looking forward to working will little people who want to be grownups rather than dealing with adults who act like children.

On a side note, I'm not sure if any of you read XKCD, but the newest comic is the story of my life right now - I'm about ready to throw in the towel with fucking Linux.

http://www.xkcd.com/




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Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-01-22 15:14:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-08-02 07:48:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

poem below

Submitted by scourge at 2008-08-01 19:04:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i like ducky.

she's plucky.

oh fucky.

that was sucky.

i hope tonight i get lucky.

with my wife, not ducky.

or danger-ranger (yucky).

Submitted by bob at 2008-08-01 18:48:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh, congrats on the degree

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2008-08-01 18:47:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-31 22:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

:( When women try to piss anywhere, we end up pissing everywhere.

--

Best line of the week.

Submitted by bob at 2008-08-01 18:44:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

After clicking your username, I've decided that I like your titles...that's all I got.

Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-01 16:22:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by PayMeLater at 2008-08-01 16:22:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I dig an occasional golden shower while lying in the surf at sunset, filled with rum and sand.

Submitted by experima at 2008-08-01 15:27:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 ducky

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-08-01 15:15:40 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You left out "my pants".

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-08-01 14:58:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kgbpasha at 2008-08-01 14:51:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"But that's not really what this story is about."

Auto +2 for not using "but I digress."
Thank you. Have a nice day.

Submitted by Crystle at 2008-08-01 14:20:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

light has dawned and it makes sense.


good stories below!

Submitted by BobSandwich at 2008-08-01 13:47:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Don't be so uptight.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-08-01 12:16:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you stop it michael jackson.

you.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2008-08-01 12:04:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This one time, Danger_Ranger came over to Neverland and did a reverse kanga in my private bathroom :<(

Reverse Kanga (verb): The reverse kanga is Australian art of laying a poo/shit/dump/turd/crap whilst sitting on a toilet facing backwards towards the flusher. This action causes the poo to run down the front of the bowl leaving a long brown skidmark.

Submitted by Littlebint at 2008-08-01 11:52:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The children will have very amusing places that they like to pee. Congratulations anyway.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 11:30:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-01 11:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Toe sounds like American southern white trash.

That's not a compliment.

By any stretch

----

How am I american white trash? I don't live in a mobile home with 8 relatives.

I listen and appreciate John Lennon (the Yoko years)!

Submitted by shadow at 2008-08-01 11:26:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

eww.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 11:24:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-01 11:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Wasn't Walter the one who said that though?

-----

yes he was. I like you. For purely superficial reasons.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-01 11:21:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm going to a wedding now. My cousin is marrying a heavily tattooed man called Omar, unfortunately.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-01 11:19:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I know lots of women who know and love that movie.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-01 11:17:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Wasn't Walter the one who said that though?

Submitted by Director at 2008-08-01 11:14:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Toe sounds like American southern white trash.

That's not a compliment.

By any stretch.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2008-08-01 11:13:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 11:11:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

True ducky, it's seems that only guys seem to know 'The Big Lebowski' (except for forensic girl - but she's old and has knowledge :P)


Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-01 11:07:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

No offense chicky, I'd never seen a picture of you - I just thought that based on your user-name.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 11:07:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Toe sounds like the kinda women who would sleep with me

---

Toe sounds like the kinda woman that would sleep with anyone.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 11:05:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I once was peeing in a bush and a police helicopter hovered overhead - we had just left a party that got so out of control that the squad police got called in.

I once spent 50 minutes on a bus after a night out and got off and was so desperate that I started peeing on a driveway, only to have the family car turn up - headlights on, me in mid-squat.
______________________________________

Until now, I thought you were a guy.

---

:(

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 11:04:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Toe, you are an awfully low brow and scabby woman. You ought to be homeless

----

Word's cannot express this honour you have bestowed upon me.

Bastard.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-08-01 10:47:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Toe sounds like the kinda women who would sleep with me.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-08-01 10:47:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There was this time, back in the day, well this one particular time, Brisbane was in the midst of this hellish power (electrical) union workers' strike/dispute struggle v the incumbent despot rightwing state government arm wrestle, the upshot was that we - the proletariat, went without power for fucking ages. A couple of months from memory. Anyhow the day the dispute finally broke - as in someone brokered a deal, we were at a mate's place christening it because it was his new abode, there were candles and stuff and then the power came on. weird. We woke in the morning to his flatmate's cousin - another flatmate, screaming that someone had laid a giant turd in the bath. Gosh darn it we thought, what are the odds that the power strike ended when we still required lighting and when we were all tucked in bed some n'er do well would lay a biscuit in the bath??

Years later, most of us were at another friend's new dwelling welcoming in his new....dwelling. Box and I, Box was nicknamed Box because his cousin thought he was a cunt, were sleeping in this room (not sexing just sleeping), and D*n (remaining nameless but pick a vowel), the same D*n who was also present at the powerstrike party, entered the room, squatted on the tenants mouse cage, and dropped someone off at the pool.

Around lunchtime that day Box and I woke, checked that our pants were still on, and then half an hour later over brunch discussed how we had very similar dreams.

"woo, spooky" I said to Box. "Same dream."

<both drumming fingers and munching on bacon and eggs>

"Wait a minute d_r, do you remember that bath incident at our workers' party?"

We both set our cutlery down, stopped mid chew, and ran off to tell the guys. fucking miss marple, that was us.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-01 10:44:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I once was peeing in a bush and a police helicopter hovered overhead - we had just left a party that got so out of control that the squad police got called in.

I once spent 50 minutes on a bus after a night out and got off and was so desperate that I started peeing on a driveway, only to have the family car turn up - headlights on, me in mid-squat.
______________________________________

Until now, I thought you were a guy.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-08-01 10:41:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Toe, you are an awfully low brow and scabby woman. You ought to be homeless.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-01 10:40:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I once was peeing in a bush and a police helicopter hovered overhead - we had just left a party that got so out of control that the squad police got called in.

I once spent 50 minutes on a bus after a night out and got off and was so desperate that I started peeing on a driveway, only to have the family car turn up - headlights on, me in mid-squat.

I got drunk in a park one night went for frequent pisses behind a big tree, only to realise after the fifth time that the tree backed onto a very popular stretch of road into the city, which basically meant I had been showing my ass to half the 'nightgoers' for most of the night.

Submitted by adamleathertramp at 2008-08-01 10:28:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

In college when I would get black-out drunk I would usually wake up and have to piss but be too lazy to go all the way to the bathroom, so I would roll over and open the window (I had no screen) and pull out my junk and just lay there pissing, making sure I didn't fall out. This was always a quality solution and worked for about 2 years till I pissed on the security guard who was smoking a cigarette directly below my stream of urine...

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-01 10:17:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Another drunk friend on mine sleepwalks regularly and pisses in random corners of his house...sometimes on the coffee table too. Pissed by my head once when I was crashed on his floor.
_________________________________________________________________________________-

I used to sleepwalk when i was around 6 years old...I would always inevitably make my way downstairs and try to pee in the garbage can (one of the ones with the foot lever that opens the lid) while my parents would frantically try to get me to the washroom.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-08-01 09:53:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

few have my talents SGT.

one night myself and another young player got into a brandy downing competition.

people were shouting at us, pulling us to sit down.

So we went to the toilets and drank there.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-08-01 09:50:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

When I was 18 and on the way back from a cricket tour
=======================================
I can honestly say, I could live another 50 years and NEVER EVER say anything remotley close to this.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-08-01 09:49:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When I was 18 and on the way back from a cricket tour in deepest Wales I was involved in a rather unfortunate incident whereby I asked the driver to stop so I could get some air. Walked over to a bush, dropped my trousers and fell head first into a bunch of stinging nettles.


Submitted by Gay at 2008-08-01 09:47:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Extreme thunderstorms with hail possible.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-08-01 09:28:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Another drunk friend on mine sleepwalks regularly and pisses in random corners of his house...sometimes on the coffee table too. Pissed by my head once when I was crashed on his floor.

But I can't top Sgt. Hartman's story below. That's the kind of woman I would want at my wedding, though.
=================================
In all honesty, I wouldnt mind her there either! she's a fun girl, but the fiance' said no fucking way.

I dont get the whole "piss anywhere in the house when drunk" thing. I mean I have pissed in my share of alleyways and outdoor areas when drunk. But in the house?


Submitted by lungfish at 2008-08-01 09:21:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Another drunk friend on mine sleepwalks regularly and pisses in random corners of his house...sometimes on the coffee table too. Pissed by my head once when I was crashed on his floor.

But I can't top Sgt. Hartman's story below. That's the kind of woman I would want at my wedding, though.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-08-01 09:13:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my fiance's roomate in college once came home wasted and opened their refrigerator, pulled out the crisper drawer (used for fruit and veggies), squatted over it and pissed.

she is not invited to the wedding.


Submitted by lungfish at 2008-08-01 09:06:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

In your great country several years back, a friend of mine pissed in a trash can in an elevator. I thought it was quite brave, seeing as we were only ascending five floors or so. But he got it done in time. I was wondering...why are there trash cans in elevators in Toronto?

Actually...maybe it was Cincinnati. I don't know. We were drunk.

Submitted by beeltea at 2008-08-01 07:24:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that's great. Could I get a lobster bisque and a set of warm towels in room 314 pronto?

Submitted by ICO at 2008-08-01 07:24:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-31 22:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

:( When women try to piss anywhere, we end up pissing everywhere.

Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-07-31 21:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

One of the perks of being a guy is that you get to piss anywhere.


+2 for this wonderful exchange.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-08-01 07:04:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That is horrible. Occaisonally we all get caught short in difficult situations: hiking across a moor, walking through an unfamiliar town at night, being drunk in a taxi cab. Choosing to urinate outside when you know there is a toilet whithin easy reach is just monstrous though. We should send those people to the hauge to have the book thrown at them.

Maybe 15 years imprisonment will teach these animals how to cunduct themselves in a civilised society.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2008-08-01 05:17:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm going to a Hotel tonight. The Hilton in Windsor if anyone's about for some plant pissing in fun.


On a side note, real plants, (especialliy tomatoes and cannabis - which thrive in almost identical situations) LOVE piss. It's the nitrogen in it. I wouldn't piss on my weed though. Fuck that.

Submitted by woolfe at 2008-08-01 04:25:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-08-01 04:04:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You write beautifully.

I love hotel front desk people, I find myself intrigued, Im on holiday and they are working.

It's like a parallel universe.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2008-08-01 03:05:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-08-01 01:57:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-07-31 23:55:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ducky remember when we were in Offaly and before we set the tent up I made the lush green grass magically turn brown so there'd be a flat place for the tent to go? And then made a great hullabaloo about which side I would be sleeping on?

yes, you guessed it.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2008-07-31 23:29:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'm so sick of school...i have a philosophy paper due monday..i have no idea why i took a philosophy course in the summer..or anytime for that matter..useless shit shittty shit ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Submitted by beer-turtle at 2008-07-31 22:58:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It will be just your luck to get assigned to the incontient special ed class...

/comfort

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2008-07-31 22:55:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats1 Viable options would have also included "Oathmeal's breakfast cereal" and "Oathmeal's IV bag".

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-07-31 22:38:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pee'd on tomatos given to the mum......good for you!

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-31 22:31:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I am the least agile person I know.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-31 22:30:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I used to date a guy who would pee in my garden, and on my tomatoes - he'd tell me that he'd picture a tiny village and that he was raining on them. His own little nation, his urine-nation. Bloody hell. I'd hose them off, pick the tomatoes with gloves and give them to his mum - who I was NOT a fan of.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-07-31 22:24:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, the dare part came in when she started to bend over, someone said "YOU WOULDN'T DARE!"

So, there you go.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-07-31 22:22:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It just takes practice, Ducks. And agility.

I knew a gal who would pee in someone's house plants on a dare.

Seriously. I was at a party and there was this lesbian type floating around. She wore khakis, a white tee shirt, black Doc Martin's, and a mullet. She was desperatly trying to pick up this cute little brunette who was very heterosexual and who was trying to score with a rather attractive man at the party.

Discouraged, the lesbian got a little drunk. She stumbled towards the bathroom only to find it occupied. She started cussing and stumbled back to the rec room. Finally she said "aw, screw it!" and proceeded to drop trou. Right in front of the cute little brunette.

She stood in front of a tropical type plant, turned around, and bent over the plant (ass facing it) and pee'd in the plant.

The host was annoyed and told her to get out.

I heard they threw the plant out as well.

True story.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-31 22:10:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Forensic woooot!.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-07-31 22:10:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

:( When women try to piss anywhere, we end up pissing everywhere.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-07-31 22:09:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ducky!

Submitted by Director at 2008-07-31 21:46:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One of the perks of being a guy is that you get to piss anywhere.

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-07-31 21:43:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Still wears huggies below.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-07-31 21:41:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

when I'm outside sometimes i pee in my pants.

PLANTS.


Man: You must be stupider than you look.

Homer: Stupider like a fix!

Lemon of Troy