Appropriate Places to PeeSubmitted by Ducky at 2008-07-31 21:27:05 EDT
Rating: 1.58 on 68 ratings (68 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I recently got my graduates degree in Education, and am finally a certified teacher after 6 mind numbing years of post-sec, but for the summer I am a hotel front desk girl. My last day is 2 weeks away, and then I move to take a teaching job.
Last night I worked my last graveyard shift - I've seen a lot of crazy shit working on this shift, at various hotels, but the worst of it always seems to involve the same thing. Once, back when I used to smoke, I found a guy in the outdoor stairwell that leads to the underground parking lot. It was -35 C and mid-January and he had no shirt on. He was facing away from me and, eyes closed, running his hands up and down over the concrete wall as if he was trying to read braille. I asked him if he was okay...'Are you okay sir?' He promptly slurred at me to fuck off, pulled out his wang and proceeded to piss all over the goddamn stairwell. Turning to face me, I leapt out of the way of a steaming stream of amber. Policy is that if you don't know the guests name, you address them as Sir or Ma'am.
"Sir! You are NOT allowed to urinate in the stairwell! I NEED you stop that immediately!" I yelled as I frantically, and ultimately lamely, wagged my finger.
"Fuck off" he mumbled, before blacking out and falling into his own piss. This is a 4 star hotel with a nightclub called MacDaddies attached to it. Pretty fucking classy.
But that's not really what this story is about.
My friend Ben - who I have written about in the past http://www.ubersite.com/m/69233
has been hassling me to let him come up and use the pool. I figured, tonight being my last night shift, that it would be a good time to let him. He picked up our mutual friend Laila and they drove up. I cut them a key and let them in. After about 30 minutes, Laila comes up to the desk.
"How was it?" I asked.
"Ben pissed in one of the plants by the pool" she said. "But don't tell him I told you".
"Dude, he totally pissed in one of the plants".
"But there are washrooms just outside of the pool area!"
"Dude, I know - it was pretty gross".
At this point, Ben saunters into the lobby. I looked at him, hands on hips, disapprovingly.
"What?" he asked.
It was like reprimanding a puppy for shitting on a carpet. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" I interrogated.
"What?! Nothing!!" he said in his best exasperated voice.
I glared at Ben, Ben glanced to Laila, and Laila looked, with great interest, at a pen that had somehow made it to the floor at her feet.
"YOU SNITCH!" he yelled.
"Ben you can't just go around pissing in plants! You're not even technically allowed to be here. I'm doing you a favour. What the fuck?"
"Relax Ducky" he started..."it'll just absorb into the soil - like it matters".
"DUDE NONE OF THOSE PLANTS ARE REAL. There is now a styrofoam block swimming in a pool of your piss with a fake fucking ficus tree growing out of it".
"Oh dude, seriously? Sorry about that".
*Shakes head* "I hate you so much".
"You'll get over it, thanks for letting us use the pool. Oh, and by the way, there's a used bandaid at the bottom of the deep end - it's pretty nasty - you should have that removed".
He grabbed a handful of mints out of the dish on the front counter with his chubby sausage-like fingers, and shoved them into his pocket.
"Let's go you goddamn snitch" he said, and they left.
I am really looking forward to working will little people who want to be grownups rather than dealing with adults who act like children.
On a side note, I'm not sure if any of you read XKCD, but the newest comic is the story of my life right now - I'm about ready to throw in the towel with fucking Linux.