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Childhood Fatness

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-12 21:28:46 EDT
Rating: 1.67 on 58 ratings (58 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

As a child, I used to be the class fattie…not just overweight, but REALLY fat. I’d be what Kaiser Soze would refer to as “orca fat”. Most of us will remember that every school has its funny fat person – the popular fat person whose humour and goodwill keeps them safe from fatness scorn. I was not this person. My fatness, coupled with shyness (not just shyness, but painful shyness – like bladder infection painful), led to a significant lack of friends.

I was new in town and looked forward to peddling home on my banana seat bike so that I could watch the 3pm showings of Teddy Ruxpin and Inspector Gadget – eat a bag of carrots with an entire jar of ranch dressing, and generally feel sorry for myself. On Fridays I was allowed to stay up for an extra hour which gave me a chance to play a game of Sorry with my dad and then-pregnant mum, watch MacGuyver, and go to sleep. I attribute being a loner as a child to my mother being my best friend to this day.

The only interaction I got with other people would be ill-willed, with fellow classmates making fun of my husk, ripping the tails off of my popples, and being general assholes. I spent a lot of time with rivers of tears and snot running down my face – I would promptly wipe this on my sleeve, which had predictably turned black over time and begun to smell.

One Friday afternoon my cousin was over to play. She had/has darker skin than me, which at the age of 6 perplexed us both a bit.

“Maybe it’s dirt” she suggested.

“Ew…you sure are dirty then” I said.

“I take a bath every day! Mum makes me! I am NOT dirty”.

“Well maybe you need to scrub harder”.

“Okay”.

After 10 minutes of scrubbing, my cousin was sulking and had turned a slight shade of pink, but the ‘dirt’ was not coming off. I told her how disgusting I thought it was that she’d let things get this bad.

Kids.

Not long afterward my aunt came to pick her up, and with subsequent begging and pleading, we were granted a sleepover at her place. I remember that evening being very fun. They lived on a farm, had a kitchen with nearly 100 different cupboards, and she and I stayed up for most of the night playing Link.

The next morning my aunt decided that my cousin needed a haircut. I watched as she energetically snipped and cut at my cousins hair, and the end result was fantastic! She looked so cute!

I wanted one.

Flashforward 20 minutes and my jiggly little body was locked in the bathroom convulsing with tears. I looked like a fat little boy who had been through a few rounds of chemo. My hair was cut to the scalp in some areas, and tufted out in others. It was horrific and I immediately wished for death. On Sunday evening I grabbed my dads medical dictionary off of the bookshelf, and Monday morning I faked every illness I thought I’d be able to pronounce, including but not limited to the flu, chicken pox, whooping cough, and coma. I did NOT want to go to school.

“But I DO HAVE COMA!!!”

So on the way to school, I wore a hat. This is fine until you actually get into the school, where policy did not allow them. I wore it until it was forcefully removed by the teacher. I sat there, uncomfortably, while the other kids stared and whispered. It was my arch nemesis who spoke first.

“What’s with your hair?” he sneered.

“Nothing. My aunt cut it. Why?” I said quietly and curtly.

“Because you look like a fag”.

“What’s a fag?”

“YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FAG IS? THEN YOU DEFINITELY ARE ONE. Fag.”

6 year olds can be so cruel. Despite that now it is patently obvious that he didn’t know what the word meant either, or alluded to, at the time I was quite upset. Being a total dork, I decided that I would have to look it up. The definition read something along the lines of a bundle of sticks or a cigarette.

What a LAME insult.

Things got decidedly better after grade 2…but my first memories of school were definitely less than stellar.



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Submitted by shadow at 2009-04-12 00:20:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I never stay anywhere long enough to develop hateful relations with kids. I survived as "the weird new kid." Go me.

Submitted by SmalltownSally at 2009-04-11 22:45:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought there was a u in MacGyver, too :(

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-03-23 12:37:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Aww Ducky...kids can be so mean.
WAIT!
Adults can be even meaner.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-01-26 08:44:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The childhood fatty in my class was my best friend. I was a very very thin young boy and the kids use to sing this at us;

Fatty's in the teapot
Thinny's in the spout
Fatty blew off
And thinny blew out


:(

'

Submitted by Replen at 2008-08-15 04:40:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by metalbeast7 at 2008-08-13 17:50:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this post is in deserving of a +2

Submitted by Cyrus at 2008-08-13 17:28:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-13 16:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Gee, I'm shocked there are Uber users who are/have been morbidly obese friendless losers.
-------------------------------------------
Yeah there's a shocker.

Seriously, given the ratings this has gotten I think it's telling about the average Uberoid.

As for the post itself, I can't decide whether it was meant to be taken seriously or not. Who posts about how fat/friendless/pathetic they were when they were 6 years old?

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2008-08-13 17:05:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was getting worried that there'd be nothing worth reading today on here. Thank you.

Submitted by Lib at 2008-08-13 16:25:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2008-08-13 16:19:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

popples were awesome..i used to steal my sister's all the time.....and rip their tails off

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-08-13 16:04:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Gee, I'm shocked there are Uber users who are/have been morbidly obese friendless losers.

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-08-13 15:58:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Popples Yay! They don't make toys anymore like they did in the 80s! And also thank you because you've inspired me into a post. You will be duly credited.

Submitted by Fey at 2008-08-13 15:50:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My popple was turquoise.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-13 15:47:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-13 08:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I hate i_can_get_you_a_toe.

----

Are you trying to rally the troops or something?

Submitted by jennifromthebenny at 2008-08-13 15:29:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

*sigh* ...popples.

Submitted by Snark at 2008-08-13 14:21:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"ripping the tails off of my popples"


wtf?

Submitted by Hadley at 2008-08-13 13:01:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-08-12 22:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2008-08-12 19:03:55 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-12 21:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

hilarious and pregnant

Submitted by Wompom at 2008-08-13 10:54:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And +2 cuz this was a good post.

Submitted by Wompom at 2008-08-13 10:52:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for popples.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2008-08-13 10:18:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"But I DO HAVE COMA!!!"

Hahaha. Brilliant.

-P

Submitted by Pentameter at 2008-08-13 09:36:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I really enjoyed this. Good stuff.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-08-13 08:50:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-08-13 08:34:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Everyone at school gets picked on for something - their name, buck teeth, big boobies, too skninny, too short, too slutty, too prudish, no friends etc. And those few that are really popular and seem to have everything, and be so perfect - they end up bored, sad drudges, I seen it on FB with mine own eyes.

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2008-08-13 08:32:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hate i_can_get_you_a_toe.

Submitted by czwij at 2008-08-13 08:30:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

this reminds me of janis joplin.
she was heavily ostrasized as well for her weight and ungainly appearance.

kids can be cunts.
so can adults.
old people are miserable as well.

RIP janis.
i never knew you, but you did some pretty cool shit in the little time that you had

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2008-08-13 07:45:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Ostracized and ridiculed, and yet you have somehow managed to avoid showing up at school with a trenchcoat concealing a shotgun. Good on ye.

Submitted by Fey at 2008-08-13 05:10:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Toe, I arrive in NZ in the beginning of October, I'll be up in Auckland around the end of the month.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-08-13 04:57:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awwww! That's such an adorable story.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-13 04:37:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-08-13 04:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Windshield makes sense.

--

So you visting your roots or what?

Submitted by Fey at 2008-08-13 04:33:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Windshield makes sense.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2008-08-13 04:31:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You sounded like my step sister. She's 11. I feel bad now. I should stop calling her munchkin.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-08-13 04:15:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I can't tell you how glad I am to have read this.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-08-13 03:07:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Username

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-08-13 02:44:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

indeed

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-13 01:55:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Erm...popples are those stuffed animal things that could be balled up into, well, a ball. They were the shit in 1987.

And no, I wouldn't describe myself as a lardass - not since around grade 10.

Submitted by locksly at 2008-08-13 01:40:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

the popular fat person whose humour and goodwill keeps them safe from fatness scorn. I was not this person.

_



This painted the picture for the rest of the post

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2008-08-13 00:12:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

You are a fag

Submitted by X54 at 2008-08-12 23:46:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

So what happened? Did you eventually lose weight or are you still a lardass? And what the fuck does "ripping the tails off of my popples" mean?

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2008-08-12 23:30:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OML I am not a racist :<(

Come back

Submitted by Falafel at 2008-08-12 23:02:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Haha I was a tubbo too. Go us =)

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2008-08-12 23:00:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

-tania or -tius?

Oh, and this was a good read.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-12 22:57:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Er...and she's not Lebanese - she's part Mauri.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-12 22:57:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Michael Jackson!

The news is good. Tomorrow at 3:30!

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2008-08-12 22:55:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Taps feet with stylish white socks waiting for news...

Submitted by PayMeLater at 2008-08-12 22:53:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How about replacing the last line with something about your Lebanese locker-mate?

Submitted by tinactin at 2008-08-12 22:50:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm also bad at endings. Sooner or later, I just get tired of writing and give up

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-12 22:34:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It's like chess - I have no end game.

Submitted by PayMeLater at 2008-08-12 22:32:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Needs a better ending.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2008-08-12 22:31:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FAG

Submitted by Crystle at 2008-08-12 22:26:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2008-08-12 19:03:55 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-12 21:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

hilarious and poignant

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-12 22:14:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

My deepest apologies to Hookhand for adding a 'u' in McGyver.

*waits for apology for being called an asshole*

*taps foot*

FINE.

Submitted by Hookhand at 2008-08-12 22:07:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Hookhand at 2008-08-12 22:05:58 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

It's "MacGyver" you asshole. Now I read the rest

Submitted by gonefiguring at 2008-08-12 22:03:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-12 21:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

hilarious and poignant

Submitted by experima at 2008-08-12 21:56:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

<3

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-08-12 21:48:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hilarious and poignant

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-08-12 21:42:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It bothers me too. No worries.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-08-12 21:32:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Took issue with the ending for whatever reason, but I laughed twice, so whatever.


I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking
season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

-- Homer Simpson
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds