login / register
lol Trumpy is fucked: https://twitter.com/KlasfeldReports/status/1118909536302190592/photo/1
Welcome to Ubersite!

Yet MORE Things I Have Done Which I Should Have Been Sacked For

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-09 16:09:32 EDT
Rating: 1.83 on 72 ratings (72 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Three and a half years ago, while underachieving massively and working in a shitty call centre job which I hated, I wrote this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64748. A post which was later spread all over the internet even at one point being plagiarised wholesale and making Craiglist's 'best ever' section with well over a million hits. None of which made me in anyway successful or happy. Subsequently I quit the job and through a ridiculous and entirely unbelievable set of circumstances, ended up working as a senior sales exec for a large insurance brokerage which paid around 5 times more than I'd ever earnt in my life.

Now, in light of the fact that I was earning tens of thousands of pounds more than I could conceivably hope to earn anywhere else, you'd have thought I'd have sorted my shit out and stopped with the habitual fucking around and slacking off that used to be the mainstay of my life.

Well you'd be very very wrong my friends. Turns out that all having a well paid position of responsibility means to a fuckhead like me is that the stakes are much, much higher.

And so, without the inclusion of any kinf of ‘ado’ gag I present to thee:


Yet MORE Things I Have Done Which I Should Have Been Sacked For.



1. During an executive sales meeting in which some downright ridiculous ideas where raised, responded to the MD's "Any other questions" with a surly "Yeah, have you been smoking crack this morning?"


2. Sat many times over with a pint of Rum and coke on my desk in a Burger King cup and got slowly but very profoundly drunk throughout the day.


3. Stole around £8,000 over a period of 6 months by teaming up with a junior payroll administrator and having him transfer commissions from salesmen that had left the company into my name rather than have them swallowed up by the company.


4. While attending a conference in London, held a party a party in one of the no-smoking suites of the Savoy hotel where the company was kind enough to put us up. While the rest of my company slept, Me, my London Acquaintances and some of the off-duty hotel staff smoked so much fucking weed that the entire FLOOR of London's most prestigious hotel absolutely reeked of high grade skunk as soon as you stepped out the lift.


5. Fucking shat myself the day after said party when my boss walked into my room to wake me up and completely FAILED to notice the utter carnage and absolute plethora of illegal substances literally carpeting the place.


6. Watched in silent horror minutes later when I noticed on his way out that, because he'd chosen to lean up against the mirrored countertop during his visit, he actually had close to a hundred quid's worth of powdered cocaine stuck to the arse of his trousers.


7. Remotely accessed HR's e-mail account from my home PC and used the information to successfully help 2 recently dismissed employees take the company to court. Out of court settlements for each were in the region of £3k which I received nothing of at all, and merely did it just because I thought it was good for a laugh.


8. Finished work at 8, strolled to the pub literally across the car-park from the office for a few drinks only to wake up on the bar the next day after an all night binge with the landlady with only 5 minutes to go before starting work. Having an entire floor of sales execs stand at the windows and watch me stagger out of the pub and back across the car park at 10 in the morning was a particular highlight of my week.


9. Asked to give a speech and some advice to the rest of the department by my boss, I stood up and said: "With his years of sales experience, I think we need to start viewing Jamie (the boss) as a Tool that we should take advantage of wherever possible."

Faced with blank stares I continued.

"Let me reiterate. This man right here, (Points to Jamie) Is a MASSIVE TOOL (long pause) and we should USE HIM at every opportunity"


10. Struggled to keep a straight face, along with around 20 other execs, when Jamie, innocently taking my words a face value, picked up where I left off by standing up in front of everybody and announcing with great enthusiasm:

"YES!... I am a TOOL (at this point actually goes as far as to write the word 'Tool' on the board and underline it) and if utilised properly, seeing me as such could be hugely beneficial to you as salesmen. Thank you Sam"

"You're more than welcome" I say, with tears streaming down my face.


11. Entered my cheating ex-girlfriend's phone number into our sales database multiple times and then spent the next few days with a smug smile on my face every time I heard one of our junior agents on the phone asking to speak to "Nikki Whoreface".


12. Saw my friend "Darcy Jones" come up as an internal call on my telephone display and answered the phone "Hello Darkie!" Only to find that he had just transferred a Mrs Nimisha Patel through to me. Needless to say, she was unimpressed.


13. Severely misjudged things when cheating the Telephony stats so that the next day I had to explain how it was that I managed to spend 32hrs of my 10 hour day talking to customers on the phone. (this is in fact the only thing on this list I was caught and subsequently disciplined for with a formal verbal warning)


14. Mixed a handful of edited copies amongst the pile of sales questionnaires used by our tele-marketing department so that around one in fifty customers were asked a set of deeply personal questions about their sexual-orientation, experience with narcotics and any STD's they may have picked up. Personal favourite on the list being question 9: - Have you ever had sexual relations with, or performed an illicit act of any kind on any of the following (tick as appropriate) - Partner of opposite sex O ; partner of same sex O ; Dog O ; Cat O ; Duck O ; Other (please State) _________.

(sadly I never got to find out if anybody ever read these questions out to the clients before they were discovered, but I dearly hope that they did)


15. Changed the e-mail disclaimer on my bosses PC so that right in the middle, buried amongst all of the small print and jargon that nobody ever reads, it says "I have eaten babies before and will do so again unless I am stopped". After receiving a mail from him yesterday, fully six months after leaving the company, I am happy to tell you that it’s still there.


PC Load Letter.jpg
PC Load Letter.jpg


Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by Berty at 2008-10-03 10:47:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Most of that is thoroughly disgraceful and I'm sure will lead to you 'getting yours' one day.

This though:

"15. Changed the e-mail disclaimer on my bosses PC so that right in the middle, buried amongst all of the small print and jargon that nobody ever reads, it says "I have eaten babies before and will do so again unless I am stopped". After receiving a mail from him yesterday, fully six months after leaving the company, I am happy to tell you that it's still there."

Is hysterical.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-17 16:48:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by X54 at 2008-09-15 00:56:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think I might of called you once for technical support.

Submitted by Sage at 2008-09-11 11:41:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Methinks I liked it.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-11 08:39:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I have serious girl crushes on Kelly Brooke and Tyra Banks.

I was talking in terms of figure, not face.
Though since Jo started wearing the red lipstick and pat Butcher style earrings...


Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-11 08:06:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Do not include the lovely Charlotte Church and the eminently shaggable Martine McCutchen in such company as Jade "Face like a robber's dog" Goodie and Lilly "Dressed by a drunken clown" Allen. They are Worlds apart.

What's next, Jo Brand vs Kelly Brooke?

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-11 07:32:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Ha. I actually think, if she keeps her mouth shut and sorts out the cross eye thing, Jade is rather attractive. I mean, I wouldn't, but I don't think she is fat, UK size 16 is not fat, I dare say UK size 18 isn't fat, like most UK women she has a realistic figure that yo-yo's from a 10/12 to a 14/16.
Besides, women with huge chests can never look super skinny.

Women such as Charlotte Church, Martine McCutchen, Jade Goody, Lily Allen have lovely figures and I'd rather look like that than a member of Girls Aloud, who clearly never eat above 500 calories a day.

When pregnant, I look pretty much like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9PQ7ogvVtA except not as nice in the face area. If that is fat, I am proud to be fat.

Submitted by indoninja at 2008-09-10 20:07:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Complete BS, but funny.

Submitted by Replen at 2008-09-10 14:33:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-10 13:44:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

And Jade Goody your fitness coach?

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 13:00:19 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

They are not all brown. My children are like Skittles sweet - a plethora of colours.

Kerry Katona is my parental role model.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-10 12:46:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

is that before you found you could earn more money by simply splooging out a brown sprog evry year or so and sponging off the state?

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 12:23:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Since her last camwhore I have a girl crush on fey.

Whilst working the till at a well known supermarket, I used to pretend to scan items for this really poor old couple. I gave away several fresh chickens, joints of lamb and beef and despite the cctv no one said a thing.

yes, I was a till tart.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-10 12:18:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fey, I did!! did you not read No.7?

Submitted by Fey at 2008-09-10 11:45:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You should use your power for good.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2008-09-10 11:26:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You belong not only in the state unemployment office, but in jail as well. Nicely done.

Submitted by Leonore at 2008-09-10 11:21:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is very much classic B@W material.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-09-10 11:14:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Drake at 2008-09-10 10:39:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice

Submitted by jtrujillo34 at 2008-09-10 09:04:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-09-10 08:57:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2008-09-10 08:18:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-10 07:54:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Orphelia, you rancid titted cock rack, don't get all fucking mardy with me just because someone gave you a daniella westbrooke nose. If dinner had been on the table when it was supposed to you'd never been in this situation.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-10 06:56:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-09-10 05:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Laughed and you are funny although you give me an unsettling pain in the pit of my stomach.

--

That's probably just my penis rubbing against your colon. Don't worry, I'll be gentler next time.

Submitted by bromide at 2008-09-10 06:01:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*you're

(excuse for another +2!)

Submitted by bromide at 2008-09-10 05:59:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

brilliant stuff, as always.

your original post that you linked to was one of the first posts i read on uber, before i actually had an account, and i was impressed enough to read most of your other stuff the same day instead of doing work.

good to see your still posting matey

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-09-10 05:32:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Laughed and you are funny although you give me an unsettling pain in the pit of my stomach.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-09-10 03:39:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

has she got a huge head??

dang that apollo

Submitted by rob_berg at 2008-09-10 03:37:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Things are goin' awesome.

She's a little sickly right now though... all stuffy and hoarse. : (

She's 8 weeks and 1 day old.

WEEE!

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 03:31:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hey rob! Not quite, nearly there. I hear thing are going well with little un. 60 days until she hits 1, right??

Time flies.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2008-09-10 03:28:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Hey orphelia!

You ready to pop yet?

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 03:25:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

LOL.

you should make a list of the things you were sacked for - like not stacking the muller yogurts correctly and failing to attend the spillage on aisle 4 quickly enough.


Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 03:23:04 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

and i have it on good authority, that isn't you in the picture and in fact you have, since leaving comp at 16, been a sales assistant in Comet.


Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 03:21:20 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

don't capitalise 'me', chubby.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-09-10 03:19:38 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

ALL LIES.

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2008-09-10 02:01:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

spam

Submitted by EJ at 2008-09-10 00:25:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Win.

Submitted by bugblender at 2008-09-10 00:00:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not to just jump on the +2 band wagon but wow..You hit on every demographic on Uber:

1. Refrence to sex with a Duck. QUACK QUACK!. Pet fuckers unite!
2. Picture from Office Space...that shoud cover the satirist
3. Refrence to pratical joke on former split-tail aquaintance. Masogonist unite...women: snakes with tits!
4. Drinking on the job...hell yeah!
5. Drug refrence...nuff said dude.
6. Embedding a "Baby killing" refrence in your bosses emal...Genius! (how the hell did you get into his account though...i call bullshit but it's a great story any way)
7. And of course, the "Massive Tool" will even get the Gay vote.

Good job sir.

Submitted by HateMudkips at 2008-09-09 23:02:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome, with a side of kickass

Submitted by Amontillado at 2008-09-09 22:50:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

for 15

Submitted by therealgeddylee at 2008-09-09 22:04:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ubersite needs a +3 ranking called "Legendary" for this post.

Submitted by experima at 2008-09-09 21:54:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you rock

Submitted by Linus at 2008-09-09 21:47:31 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Gonna go on a killin' spree tonight.

Yes, it is.

Where's that wrench?

Submitted by Falafel at 2008-09-09 20:32:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Changed the e-mail disclaimer on my bosses PC so that right in the middle, buried amongst all of the small print and jargon that nobody ever reads, it says "I have eaten babies before and will do so again unless I am stopped".
================
I love you.

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-09-09 20:30:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W.

Submitted by TheBrad at 2008-09-09 19:52:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Lol nikki whoreface

Submitted by sandmantate at 2008-09-09 19:46:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

gold

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-09-09 18:48:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

C'mon, you wasted mofos, this deserves more hits....

Submitted by AJ at 2008-09-09 18:25:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

<3

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-09-09 18:18:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant.

Submitted by Fungah at 2008-09-09 18:03:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

lawl

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2008-09-09 17:57:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


This stuff is pure gold.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2008-09-09 17:57:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'm down for #8.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-09-09 17:36:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-09-09 17:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Disclaimer: Linkwhores attached

I can relate to this completely. I screwed the powers that be for many years before my.... 'incident'.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/93331
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93099
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95000
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96744
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111129
==================
Joey G., quite possibly the funniest dude on Uber. Forty orders of magnitude ahead of Method, Apollo, and Doodles, who are all the same asshole. And they all STINK!!

Submitted by JoeyG at 2008-09-09 17:17:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Disclaimer: Linkwhores attached

I can relate to this completely. I screwed the powers that be for many years before my.... 'incident'.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/93331
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93099
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95000
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96744
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111129

Submitted by tatersninja at 2008-09-09 17:10:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my first name is changed to "extenZED"....

what the bloody hell?????

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-09-09 16:48:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

showing *me the kiosk, even.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-09-09 16:46:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-09-09 16:46:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My first job ever was to babysit a photographer's kiosk she had rented in an outdoor mall. I was responsible for opening it in the morning, and locking it up at night. I was to memorize the different packages she sold (she didn't sell photos, she took like family portraits and what not), and to take this information and push it on customers.

Instead, I spent all of my time there reading, drinking alcohol my friends had brought to me, and ignoring everyone without perky boobs on their chests. For the thirty days that I worked there, my response to every potential customer's questions (save for sixteen year old girls hitting on me, I was seventeen, it's fine) was, "Yeah I don't really know anything, today's my first day, here's Lorrie's card though."

On what ended up being the last day that I worked there, I began to feel guilty that I had literally done absolutely no work the entire month. So, I decided the least I could do was clean up a little bit before I locked up and went home. Actually, there was a bottle of glass cleaner on hand, because I was supposed to clean up the pictures every day. I figured I would start with a picture I knew Lorrie was particularly proud of, because she blabbed about it numerous times, ostensibly forgetting that it was probably the first thing she told me when showing the kiosk.

Anyways, I sprayed it down rather thoroughly, and got to wiping. I felt my heart sink as I realized that this particular picture had no protective glass frame, and that the husband in the portrait was now completely blocked out by a large, blue stain.

Let's just say I don't put my time at Lorrie's on my resume.


Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-09-09 16:37:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-09-09 16:36:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wakka wakka wakka

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2008-09-09 16:31:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

not true, but funny

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-09-09 16:31:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Whether real or fictional, it was well done.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-09-09 16:30:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*fades into background*

Submitted by Comfortably_Numb at 2008-09-09 16:29:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-09 16:28:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

and Red, I want to know where you ar egetting your (scarily accurate) information from

Submitted by Spam at 2008-09-09 16:27:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2008-09-09 16:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I doubt that you stole the amount of money you say you did and are stupid enough to talk about it which leaves me to believe one of two things.

1) You lied about stealing money.

2) You are stupid.

--

Why?

Nobody here knows my real name (with maybe two or three exceptions), where I worked or even what city I live in. Not to mention the fact that this company is on the other side of the country to me and I left there over six months ago.

If somebody fancies tracking them down to tell them about it I wish you the best of luck.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-09-09 16:23:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

He's daft - have you not seen his hats? He models his facial hair on Jay Kay of Jamiraquai for fuck's sake!

Submitted by dohnuts at 2008-09-09 16:22:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I doubt that you stole the amount of money you say you did and are stupid enough to talk about it which leaves me to believe one of two things.

1) You lied about stealing money.

2) You are stupid.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2008-09-09 16:20:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Made me laf


Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-09-09 16:17:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I loved you in that video for Godzilla.






Shit hat though

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-09-09 16:17:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hmmmmmm yeaaaaahh - I'm gonna need you to come into work on Saturdaaaay


Homer: I'm a bad father!

Selma: You're also fat!

Homer: I'm also fat!

Saturdays of Thunder