Yet MORE Things I Have Done Which I Should Have Been Sacked ForSubmitted by Spam at 2008-09-09 16:09:32 EDT
Rating: 1.83 on 72 ratings (72 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Three and a half years ago, while underachieving massively and working in a shitty call centre job which I hated, I wrote this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64748. A post which was later spread all over the internet even at one point being plagiarised wholesale and making Craiglist's 'best ever' section with well over a million hits. None of which made me in anyway successful or happy. Subsequently I quit the job and through a ridiculous and entirely unbelievable set of circumstances, ended up working as a senior sales exec for a large insurance brokerage which paid around 5 times more than I'd ever earnt in my life.
Now, in light of the fact that I was earning tens of thousands of pounds more than I could conceivably hope to earn anywhere else, you'd have thought I'd have sorted my shit out and stopped with the habitual fucking around and slacking off that used to be the mainstay of my life.
Well you'd be very very wrong my friends. Turns out that all having a well paid position of responsibility means to a fuckhead like me is that the stakes are much, much higher.
And so, without the inclusion of any kinf of ‘ado’ gag I present to thee:
Yet MORE Things I Have Done Which I Should Have Been Sacked For.
1. During an executive sales meeting in which some downright ridiculous ideas where raised, responded to the MD's "Any other questions" with a surly "Yeah, have you been smoking crack this morning?"
2. Sat many times over with a pint of Rum and coke on my desk in a Burger King cup and got slowly but very profoundly drunk throughout the day.
3. Stole around £8,000 over a period of 6 months by teaming up with a junior payroll administrator and having him transfer commissions from salesmen that had left the company into my name rather than have them swallowed up by the company.
4. While attending a conference in London, held a party a party in one of the no-smoking suites of the Savoy hotel where the company was kind enough to put us up. While the rest of my company slept, Me, my London Acquaintances and some of the off-duty hotel staff smoked so much fucking weed that the entire FLOOR of London's most prestigious hotel absolutely reeked of high grade skunk as soon as you stepped out the lift.
5. Fucking shat myself the day after said party when my boss walked into my room to wake me up and completely FAILED to notice the utter carnage and absolute plethora of illegal substances literally carpeting the place.
6. Watched in silent horror minutes later when I noticed on his way out that, because he'd chosen to lean up against the mirrored countertop during his visit, he actually had close to a hundred quid's worth of powdered cocaine stuck to the arse of his trousers.
7. Remotely accessed HR's e-mail account from my home PC and used the information to successfully help 2 recently dismissed employees take the company to court. Out of court settlements for each were in the region of £3k which I received nothing of at all, and merely did it just because I thought it was good for a laugh.
8. Finished work at 8, strolled to the pub literally across the car-park from the office for a few drinks only to wake up on the bar the next day after an all night binge with the landlady with only 5 minutes to go before starting work. Having an entire floor of sales execs stand at the windows and watch me stagger out of the pub and back across the car park at 10 in the morning was a particular highlight of my week.
9. Asked to give a speech and some advice to the rest of the department by my boss, I stood up and said: "With his years of sales experience, I think we need to start viewing Jamie (the boss) as a Tool that we should take advantage of wherever possible."
Faced with blank stares I continued.
"Let me reiterate. This man right here, (Points to Jamie) Is a MASSIVE TOOL (long pause) and we should USE HIM at every opportunity"
10. Struggled to keep a straight face, along with around 20 other execs, when Jamie, innocently taking my words a face value, picked up where I left off by standing up in front of everybody and announcing with great enthusiasm:
"YES!... I am a TOOL (at this point actually goes as far as to write the word 'Tool' on the board and underline it) and if utilised properly, seeing me as such could be hugely beneficial to you as salesmen. Thank you Sam"
"You're more than welcome" I say, with tears streaming down my face.
11. Entered my cheating ex-girlfriend's phone number into our sales database multiple times and then spent the next few days with a smug smile on my face every time I heard one of our junior agents on the phone asking to speak to "Nikki Whoreface".
12. Saw my friend "Darcy Jones" come up as an internal call on my telephone display and answered the phone "Hello Darkie!" Only to find that he had just transferred a Mrs Nimisha Patel through to me. Needless to say, she was unimpressed.
13. Severely misjudged things when cheating the Telephony stats so that the next day I had to explain how it was that I managed to spend 32hrs of my 10 hour day talking to customers on the phone. (this is in fact the only thing on this list I was caught and subsequently disciplined for with a formal verbal warning)
14. Mixed a handful of edited copies amongst the pile of sales questionnaires used by our tele-marketing department so that around one in fifty customers were asked a set of deeply personal questions about their sexual-orientation, experience with narcotics and any STD's they may have picked up. Personal favourite on the list being question 9: - Have you ever had sexual relations with, or performed an illicit act of any kind on any of the following (tick as appropriate) - Partner of opposite sex O ; partner of same sex O ; Dog O ; Cat O ; Duck O ; Other (please State) _________.
(sadly I never got to find out if anybody ever read these questions out to the clients before they were discovered, but I dearly hope that they did)
15. Changed the e-mail disclaimer on my bosses PC so that right in the middle, buried amongst all of the small print and jargon that nobody ever reads, it says "I have eaten babies before and will do so again unless I am stopped". After receiving a mail from him yesterday, fully six months after leaving the company, I am happy to tell you that it’s still there.
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