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Being A Hero

Submitted by bart at 2003-08-19 05:33:35 EDT
Rating: 1.76 on 51 ratings (51 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Now that I've finally had my first imposter, I feel a certain comradery with hidden, loren, loki, berzerk, and all the others who have drawn similar attention. Not to discount the efforts of any of those nice folks, but I can certainly see why someone would want to be me.

After all, not everybody can be a hero.

The other day I went out with a lovely young lady and I explained this story to her. Ordinarily, this is the kind of thing I would keep to myself, but I finally broke down and decided to tell somebody else. First I told her, and now I tell you.

It began on a warm Chicago night, not unlike any other over the typical summer season. It was starting to rain and the forecasts were calling for thunderstorms, so as I left work, I walked straight to the elevated train outside the office for my normal fifteen minute journey back home. I waited a couple minutes for the train. When it arrived, I walked on and sat in an open seat right behind a girl who couldn't have been more than eight years old. She looked to be alone, so I kept my eye on her to make sure she was doing alright.

It's pretty typical to keep to one's self while riding the train. Most everybody is on their way to or from work so nobody really feels the need to start up a conversation. On this particular ride, the young girl sitting in front of me kept turning around, smiling, then quickly turning back to face forward. After her doing this a few times, I started making faces and smiling wide to get her to giggle. Where was her mother?

The rain had begun to come down strong and the crackle of thunder began to drown out the voices of the passengers on the train. All in all, the ride was fairly typical up to this point. However, as we began to cross over a bridge, typical came to an end.

As soon as the train crossed about half way over the bridge, CRACK! there was a sudden flash of lightning immediately followed by the ripping of thunder. With this, the train made a loud squealing sound and the lights fell dim as the train attempted to screech to a halt. A passenger on the other end of the train screamed in the now pitch black train car.

At this point, as though in slow motion, the train car began to slowly sway to the side - we were no longer riding on the track. The emergency stop had derailed the train and now caused our car to slam into the side of the bridge. Not only that, but the lightning must have struck the bridge directly because through one of the windows, in the near distance, I could see the glow from a fire.

The passengers began to panic, so I decided something needed to be done.

The train car was in complete darkness, but the small amount of light coming from the fire gave me the opportunity to notice an emergency hatch built into the ceiling. I jumped from my seat, ran over to the hatch, and ripped it open as quickly as I could move. With the assistance of another passenger, I lifted myself out of the train car and onto the roof.

One by one, I began to pull the other passengers out, but it was difficult to see without any lights in the train. I helped all the passengers out and to safety, but the little girl, the one who had been sitting right in front of me, had not come out yet. With my body anchored on the roof, I leaned down into the car to look around for the girl, but the fire wasn't providing enough light. I couldn't find her in the darkness.

Just at that moment, I heard the whirring blades of a helicopter overhead. I looked up into the sky, and sure enough, a news helicopter was flying overhead. I screamed for help, but there was no way they could hear me at that height. I began to wave my arms frantically and I must have caught someone's eye because they shone their spotlight right on me.

This was my chance.

With the beam from the news copter's spotlight and the whirring blades overhead, I leaned back into the car and looked around. I saw a small reflection of light coming from one corner of the train and I realized it was a reflection of light off of the young girl - tears running down her face.

As I hung there, she looked up at me, I stretched my arm towards her and I yelled, "Give me your hand!"

Tears streamed down her face.

"GIVE ME YOUR HAND!" I yelled again.

Ok, who am I kidding?

Natural disaster? How about "laundry day". Hanging from the roof of a train car? How about hanging off the edge of my bed. The whirring blades of the helicopter, the beam of the spotlight shining down on me? How about the lighted ceiling fan built into my bedroom ceiling.

I'm not a hero, I'm just a kid with an overactive imagination. I'm an eight year old with a career and a digital camera.

The only thing heroic about me is my Spiderman boxer shorts.


Review This Item




Submitted by ninjatut at 2004-04-22 20:39:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

could've happened

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2004-04-21 04:29:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"The only thing heroic about me is my Spiderman boxer shorts"
Why are those NOT in the picture mister?

Submitted by drstrangedhruv at 2004-03-18 07:12:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Scored at work.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2004-03-11 14:41:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh you big gallut

Submitted by PuNKaSS4_20 at 2003-09-17 02:32:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Hey bart!
I loved that story about you rescuing those poor kids in the el.. damn, that sucks when your stuck with some loud kinds... yeah... the thing is.. shit, youre a pussy, just s lap em silemt., funkind grab the dumbshit handle,,,, you'll be a hero@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!! The ELLLL doesnt fuck around.......

Submitted by dbcooper at 2003-09-03 16:44:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good story. :)

Submitted by PeopleAreStrange at 2003-08-26 19:57:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My nightie has bears on it.

I missed this post and all the fake Bart ones...why do I always miss the best stuff? Woe is me.

Submitted by sublime at 2003-08-25 16:58:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i like your jammies

Submitted by d_d at 2003-08-25 10:02:01 EDT (#)
Rating: -1


Submitted by Chad_Sexington at 2003-08-22 17:46:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Phinch at 2003-08-22 17:46:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

so, did the picture come before the story or vice versa?

Submitted by Fritolay at 2003-08-22 16:14:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

(P.S. Yes I did, but it was to prove a point and stuff...)

Submitted by Fritolay at 2003-08-22 16:10:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Man oh man oh man! HAHA!

Submitted by atz at 2003-08-21 18:43:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by No.9 at 2003-08-21 17:38:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Freakin' hilarious. Bart, you truly have a gift!

Submitted by Nicole3 at 2003-08-20 08:53:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What! No spiderman boxers! Please tell me you at least have some Star Wars ones.

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2003-08-20 08:16:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Since we're confessing things, I'm really a female.

Submitted by bart at 2003-08-19 23:42:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow, I think this is my highest rated post ever. Thanks everyone.

I have to confess though... it was all made up. I don't actually have any Spiderman boxer shorts.

Submitted by beer-turtle at 2003-08-19 19:57:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bart you continue to inspire me.

You and several others are the reason I keep coming back... thanks for the site bro


Submitted by hidden101 at 2003-08-19 19:42:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

bart, have i told you i love you?

oh.... right.

anyway, this was fuckin' awesome. although i was sure it was fiction as soon as i started reading it, the explaination at the end was just great. you're quite the funny man, duder.

ps- love the picture.

Submitted by drink_DDT at 2003-08-19 19:16:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So you told the girl you went on a date with about taking a picture of yourself hanging over the edge of your bed? Did that turn her on?

Submitted by firefly at 2003-08-19 15:51:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by dasteve at 2003-08-19 12:25:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Kaelic at 2003-08-19 12:21:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Courage and valor just come from the right mix of stupidity and recklessness. As the song goes, "I'd like to think I'm not a coward I've just never been tested."

So ... what happened next?

Submitted by Nator at 2003-08-19 12:18:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was really great, kudos Bart.

Submitted by xLisaCatx at 2003-08-19 12:09:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I ride the El daily, and while I was really shocked to read about a child on the El alone, I was tempted to go looking at the Chicago Tribune website to read up about your heroic deeds, that is, until you mentioned it was all fiction.

I loved the story and the post.

Submitted by RideJohnnyRide at 2003-08-19 12:08:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That was an orgasm.

Submitted by beautiful_disaster at 2003-08-19 12:06:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Or chance...

Submitted by beautiful_disaster at 2003-08-19 12:06:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dammit! I saw the "who am I kidding" part before I had a change to finish up.

Submitted by Razor at 2003-08-19 11:36:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The only real problem with this story is that none of the female passengers suddenly had their bosom pop out of their shirts when the train came screeching to a halt.

Submitted by DJMattB241 at 2003-08-19 11:21:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

not me, thats for sure.

and random joe's story was the funniest thing ive read in quite a while.

Submitted by Rivers_Liebig at 2003-08-19 11:09:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Who will be the first to rank this less than +2, and fear the wrath of Bart and other uber-users?

Not me. Im weak.

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2003-08-19 10:34:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Freaking beautiful.

Submitted by antluvdog at 2003-08-19 10:32:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

He didn't have me. I'm serious.

+2 for the picture, though.

Submitted by Not_Unless_Its_Shaven at 2003-08-19 09:45:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Loren at 2003-08-19 09:43:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You definitely had me. (And not many men can claim that;)

Submitted by JMG114 at 2003-08-19 09:15:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Even if you weren't Bart, I'd rate this a +2.

Submitted by Rivers_Liebig at 2003-08-19 09:14:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for Random's story.... Even if it was fiction, it was damn funny.

Submitted by loki at 2003-08-19 09:01:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Something is seriously wrong with Mick.

Submitted by SubstnceP at 2003-08-19 08:49:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Real nice!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-08-19 08:41:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very funny, Bart. Here's a real life story of me being a "hero"

Over Thanksgiving last year, my girlfriend and I went to visit her parents in Ohio. We used Armpitz.com to find a "cheap" fare, and found that it was "cheaper" to fly out of Rhode Island, on Thanksgiving Day, at 6 am. Personally, I think that if you're willing to fly under those conditions while holding a ten-week old infant in your lap, they should give you the flight for free, and the entire family should get blowjobs. Including, if you happen to bring him along, the dog.

Rather than get up at 3 am to make our New Hampshire flight, we decided to get a hotel near the New Hampshire airport, then just drag ourselves to the airport in the morning. We made it to the hotel on Thanksgiving Eve, and managed to get to sleep reasonably early.

We are suddenly torn from our restful slumber by a WHOOOP WHOOOP which is clearly not our screaming infant, as it is coming from the hall. I realize in my half-awake stupor that it is the hotel's fire alarm. I'm not worried because, like most of us, I've been through several thousand fire drills, but not once have I been in an actual fire. Being a responsible husband and father, I tell my wife not to worry, and put the pillow over my head.

The fire alarm continues.

Finally I get up and look out the window, where hotel guests are filling the parking lot. I phone the front desk, where an extremely harried employee picks up the phone? "YES?" he shouts, out of breath.

"Should we leave the hotel?" I ask.

"Y--!" he yells. All I hear is a "Y--!" because he hangs up the phone so quickly. I assume this means yes. "Let me check," I tell Jade, still unconvinced the hotel is on fire.

I walk right over to the door and open it. Do I use any fire safety tactics whatsoever? Do I feel the doorknob for heat? No. Do I smell for smoke? No. I just whisk open the door, like the Poster Boy for Fire Unsafety. I am Goofus, not Gallant.

The hall is filled with smoke. "Okay, maybe we better leave," I finally concede.

But we have a ten-week old infant, so it takes us approximately half an hour to suit him up, put on a hat, get the bottle and the pacifier, etc. All the while the incessant WHOOOP WHOOOP pounds away at our eardrums. A firefighter runs down the hall, pounding on doors, yelling at everyone to get out of the hotel.

"Geez," I say. "These people sure are impatient."

Finally, we're ready to go. "Hang on," I tell my wife. "I gotta pee."

"Let's go!" she says.

"We might be out there for a long time," I say, unzipping. "I'll just be a minute."

I finish up, wash my hands, comb my hair, read a chapter or two out of my John Grisham novel, turn on a little CNN, pull out a guitar and try to engage my wife in a brief singalong, and then I'm finally ready to go.

I blindly whisk open the door again -- AGAIN! -- and once again the fates spare my life. We saunter out of the building just as they are letting people back in the hotel.

"Chemical fire extinguisher," says one exhausted fellow, shuffling back with three screaming kids. "Someone sprayed it all over the hall. Set off the fire alarm."

"We saw smoke," I said.

"That was the fire extinguisher."

"I don't believe it." I looked at my watch. It was 3 am, exactly the time we would've had to get out of bed had we stayed in Boston.

I think it's safe to say that I'm never going to rescue anyone out of a burning building. Based on that performance, I'll be lucky if I can rescue myself.

Submitted by punkkoala at 2003-08-19 08:37:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

one word...


Submitted by Nicole3 at 2003-08-19 08:22:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

At first I was thinking that you were going to be a hero to the little girl and help her find her parents of something. Maybe lack of sleep is what gets your imagination going. Good post.

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2003-08-19 08:19:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Rivers_Liebig at 2003-08-19 07:56:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You got me. Hook line and sinker.

Well told.

Submitted by MickGinny at 2003-08-19 07:54:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hey yea, i think i remember hearing that on CNN last week. or was that an episode on ER....
uhhh, you're kidding.

dude considering the fake bart post and how the un-indicative violence got everybody(just sick me)off, everyone(just sick me) would have appreciated some gratuitous violence in this story. at the very least it was a prime situation for some gruesome accident.

like once everyone was safely on top of the car, the helicopter crashed on to the car knocking you back in the hatch while the blades hacked the living fuck out of everyone then you decided to eat the little girl as a method of survival.

Cool picture.

I guess I’m an asskisser for rating this +2 although I fail to see the benefit of kissing bart cilfone’s ass.

Hey man, how does it feel to have a fat, sweaty, crazy, bald man kiss your ass?

In wearing the “feetsie” spiderman pajamas right now, and I have an erection.

Submitted by iddqd at 2003-08-19 07:43:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cool photo - the shadow makes you look like zorro

"who was that masked man?"

nice story. thanks.

Submitted by Bigmike at 2003-08-19 07:30:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

All this devised because someone wanted to "be like Bart".

I thought you were gonna give the girl a cookie or something.

Submitted by Earth Collapse at 2003-08-19 07:18:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn, I was convinced until I read "I saw a small reflection of light coming from one corner of the train and I realized it was a reflection of light off of the young girl - tears running down her face."

For a little while I was thinking; holy shit, Mr. Bart is a Goddamned hero... Well, you said you aren't... But bart, You'll always be my hero...


Submitted by Pacifist248 at 2003-08-19 06:29:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by EspoDmouth at 2003-08-19 05:53:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


+2 for a great story.

but bart...posting at 5:30am?? niggah pleeeeease.



That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

-- Homer Simpson
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield