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Secret Lives of my Coworkers- ?????

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-17 12:44:30 EDT
Rating: 1.82 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Joey

What I know:
Joey is an extreme brown-noser. When I say extreme, I don’t mean nose to the colon. I mean nose through the colon, past the intestines, rising up through the stomach, producing the acidic gagging known as dry-heaves.

However, my boss eats it up, as most do, and so Joey is a part of “management.” His job is to manage the lowest of the low, the hourly employees in the warehouse, usually drunken, surly types whose highest aspiration is to win the scratch off lotto so they can pay off their lot fees at the trailer park. I respect them more than Joey, because at least they do the work assigned to them.

Joey is also a Jehovah’s Witness, which is one more reason why I don’t trust him. Anyone who belongs to a religious organization that makes it a part of their worship to bang on innocent people’s doors at ungodly hours of the morning to “spread the word” is on my hit list.

This also applies to the local politicians who are running for such high offices as tax commissioner, or DA, who leave their little calling cards proclaiming their qualifications for the office as being:
-Member of “Oak Grove Baptist Church” for X number years
-Parent of 3 uteral discharges
-Watched a Fox news broadcast once (Actually, that last one is made up. Unfortunately the other 2 aren’t.) But I digress, this isn’t about local politicians, this is about my coworker-Joey.

He is married, with an infant, and has a large family who all hail from California, someplace just south of LA, which I don’t remember the name of and don’t give a fiddler’s fart about anyway.

His brother also worked for us as “management” at one point, although he royally screwed us over, and (per Joey) was disowned by him over it.

A Sci-Fi geek, Joey spends a large portion of his day playing Star Wars video games on the company computer with his office door closed; Either that or watching Star Wars movies on the company computer, either way, he’s all about Star Wars. The NEW Star Wars.

By glancing at his office, you can tell he primarily lives off of honey buns and Monster™ energy drinks. You can also tell he doesn’t place hygiene on his to-do list very often, as the reek of cheesy poofs and spilled soda is overpowering. But enough of this, I want to tear into him now.

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Fiction (As far as I know):

Joey wakes up, rolls his girth to the edge of the bed, and looks forlornly at his gut. He’d been meaning to work on that for awhile, but juggling the act of beating Level 9 of “The Empire Strikes Back” and having a newborn reduces the chances of him hitting the gym to 0%.

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning, and he’s volunteered to go house to house to spread the word, so that the righteous might be picked out amongst the heathens of the world. The Day of Judgment will arrive soon, of this he is sure.

He meets up with his fellowship at their kingdom hall, and they make plans on where they will strike down blasphemy and ignorance today.

Today, they’ve selected an area known as High Falls, just south of Atlanta. The expanding suburbs are the perfect place to preach, as the inhabitants are often fleeing the rapid urbanization of South Atlanta, and are already fearful from the expansion of the ghetto into what were once relatively pristine neighborhoods.

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering” thinks Joey, citing one of his favorite Yoda quotes.

Fear is caused by ignorance, and ignorance is exactly what he’s looking for. If he tallies up a few more recruits, it will make him look awesome in the eyes of his fellowship. They begin driving to their destination in the van, dropping members off at key locations, and finally Joey and his assistant Mike are dropped off at theirs. It’s a quiet little street, several houses, a very unassuming neighborhood.

They knock on the first few doors and nobody answers. There are cars in the driveway, so they know people are there, but that’s just how it goes sometimes. It’s for this reason that they like to hit early in the morning, to catch people off guard before they have the chance to leave the house for the day. Unfortunately, they must have already been spotted by the inhabitants.

The sixth house down, they hit pay dirt. After the knocking, they hear a stumbling sound come from inside the house, followed by cursing, and then the turn of the knob.

“Whaddayouwan….” And there’s silence. Joey has hit Monkeyswithguns’ house. Woken up on a nice pleasant Saturday morning, after banging his wife, laying around in post-coital bliss, and there Joey stands, slack-jawed and speechless.

“Joey, get the fuck off my front porch, I’m not interested.”

“Monkeyswithguns, just give us a moment to hear what we have to say, and we’ll be on our way.”

“Nope, fuck off fatty. Disappear from my sight, or I’ll kick you in the crotch and call the police.”

“Well that’s just not nice…..”

“It’s not fuckin nice to be knocking on people’s doors at 8:00 am on a Saturday morning either, now is it fucko? Now get lost.”

“Look, we have to work together, there’s no need to be rude, and we’ll be on our way.”

“But there IS a need to be rude asshole. You woke ME up. I was happily lying around, and you woke me up, and I had to come to the door to look at your vacant cranium one more day of the week. I don’t get paid for this shit. Now fuck off.”

The door shuts in his face with a solid thump, and he hears muttering and cursing from inside, followed by a consoling voice begging him to calm down as they walk away.

Not one to be daunted by this discouragement, Joey and Mike make their way down to the next house, and the house after, and the house after, with nobody answering.

“I’ll bet he called everyone up and warned them we were headed down the street.”

Not a moment after he speaks, he hears a terrifying sound. A rapidly approaching sound. The sound of several paws running at full stride across asphalt, jaws clenching, and finally barking.

“Shit Mike! They’ve released the hounds!”

Mike takes off running, leaving Joey behind. Joey has no chance. He should have started a diet earlier.

The 2 pairs of dogs, great danes and Dobermans, catch up to Joey and leap upon his massive frame, lunging for the jugular. Amidst the gnashing and tearing, there is the whimpering sound of a grown man crying and begging to live, but his cries fall on dog’s ears, and they don’t care.

There is a rifle crack, and Mike hits the pavement.

“This is a PRIVATE street assholes, you have trespassed! HAHA!!!!”

Since it was so early, nobody was awake yet, and Monkeyswithguns had only called his one friend in the neighborhood to release the dogs to deal with Joey.

They loaded up the corpses into the back of a Durango, and dumped them in his back yard, before cutting them up and feeding them to the dogs. There was never any worry about police, since there’s only one Sherriff assigned to the entire northern end of the county, and everyone hates Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The flesh was gone in 2 days, leaving nothing but the bones, which he gave to his dogs, who in turn crushed and cracked them into nothingness, except for the skulls, which he now keeps in his “heathen alter” closet, surrounded by candles for use in his black magic ceremonies.

And that’s how Monkeyswithguns ended up working late on a Friday, because Joey wasn’t there to cover his workload. Nobody knows what happened to him, and nobody cares, except the boss, who misses the delicate licking of his taint.

Have a great Friday everyone, and remember not to trespass or knock on stranger's doors at 8 am on any day of the week, but especially not on a Saturday.


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Submitted by Prontod at 2009-01-29 02:16:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HA! this was great. fully caught me off guard with the murders at the end.

Sweet job

Submitted by kgbpasha at 2008-10-26 04:00:34 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm sure it was awesome had I read it all...

but,

"But I digress" = auto -2.


Submitted by X54 at 2008-10-21 15:13:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Q: Why do so many JWs have inverted nipples?

A: (Stabbing both forefingers straight forward) GET OFF MY DOORSTEP.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2008-10-20 06:21:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha. Pesky Jehovahs, coming 'round disturbing me while I'm watching the Grand Prix in my boxers. May they all be struck down with haemophilia.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-10-20 04:32:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2008-10-19 10:08:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No-one else read the Watchtower? Cant say no to free literature...

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-10-19 09:43:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

As always entertaining.

Submitted by Replen at 2008-10-18 07:38:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-10-18 03:32:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

he primarily lives off of honey buns

-----------------------------------------

Clumsey grammar, Monkeys. Tut.


reek of cheesy poofs


----------------------------------------

Cheese gays? Puffs.



A Sci-Fi geek, Joey spends a large portion of his day playing Star Wars video games on the company computer with his office door closed; Either that or watching Star Wars movies on the company computer, either way, he's all about Star Wars. The NEW Star Wars.

----------------------------------------

I totally didn't connect with the horror of this passage, I love Star Wars, until I saw the last four words.

Submitted by Siren at 2008-10-17 20:29:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shadow at 2008-10-17 17:45:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So it turns out my boss might have a crippling infection in her foot that is directly related to an untreated abscess in a tooth she had removed a few weeks ago. (I don't even know how that works.)

Would it be completely immoral and wrong to snicker (even inwardly) at this development, seeing as she's a proper cunt to every employee under the age of thirty five?

Yes, yes it would.

I must be good. Vacation is coming.

Submitted by sandmantate at 2008-10-17 16:54:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm glad he died.

Submitted by weather at 2008-10-17 15:53:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The weather can't read this much.

WTFINRAT!

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-10-17 15:43:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Very interesting forensic, I'm going to order that book, thanks for the link.

Yes, I'm familiar with them. I personally knew one of the members of their GB before he was appointed, and have met another one in New York a long, long time ago.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-17 15:11:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-10-17 15:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Well you're going to burn in hell.
--------------------------------------------------------

At least I'll be in good company.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2008-10-17 15:09:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I had no idea you hated me so much :(

Well, next week, I'll knock at 7.00am on Sunday. It's the Lord's day, you'll feel so much more apprecitive.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2008-10-17 15:03:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well you're going to burn in hell.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-10-17 14:58:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

BTW no1hasdis, it sounds like you're very familiar with them too. Do you have family in the cult as well?

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-10-17 14:53:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-10-17 13:41:48 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2


I don't believe this is entirely correct. They didn't actually "prophesy" the dates, they actually jsut tried to interpret existing biblical prophesy in an attempt to discern the time of the apocolypse. Also as far as I know the GB does not claim to be prophets, they only claim to be part of the 144,000 destined to go to heaven and rule with christ. Could be wrong, but I believe that is what they are currently saying.

That said they do often stick their foot in their mouth with "the end is nigh, the end is nigh! it is coming on this date all prophesy's point to it!!!" followed by "oops, guess we were wrong again, backpedal"

====

You're right. They've never said "We're prophets of god." But.....and here's my point.....the GB does claim to be annointed, handpicked by Jehovah himself, to represent him on Earth. They also demand loyality and unquestioning obedience from the rank and file JWs. They tell their followers that they are "spirit directed" by Jehovah to "deliver spiritual food at the proper time."

Now, while they skate around the whole calling themselves "prophets" they demand that the JWs treat them as such.

So, if they're "spirit annointed" and "spirit directed" then anything they say is to be taken by the JWs as coming from Jehovah himself.

To me, that sounds like they're setting themselves up as prophets.

Regardless, why would the GB, seeing as how Jehovah himself directs them, need to back peddle? Gee golly gosh, wouldn't Jehovah get it right the FIRST TIME?!


Check out "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz (former member of the GB who spoke out against the WTBTS and is now considered the ultimate apostate).

http://www.amazon.com/Crisis-Conscience-Raymond-Franz/dp/0914675044

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-10-17 14:41:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Or...the various failed prophecies from 1914, 1918, 1975 and so on. At various times the WTBTS has claimed (or strongly suggested) that Armageddon will happen on these dates. It didn't.

Now, according to the bible, if one makes claims as to being a prophet (the WTBTS 'Governing Body' of 'annoited ones' does indeed claim this) and his (or their) prophecies prove to be false, then that person (or persons) is a false prophet and therefore should be considered "from Satan."

Hmmmm, I believe all of the WTBTS failed prophecies qualifies them as "false prophets."

----------------------------

I don't believe this is entirely correct. They didn't actually "prophesy" the dates, they actually jsut tried to interpret existing biblical prophesy in an attempt to discern the time of the apocolypse. Also as far as I know the GB does not claim to be prophets, they only claim to be part of the 144,000 destined to go to heaven and rule with christ. Could be wrong, but I believe that is what they are currently saying.

That said they do often stick their foot in their mouth with "the end is nigh, the end is nigh! it is coming on this date all prophesy's point to it!!!" followed by "oops, guess we were wrong again, backpedal"

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-17 14:26:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I didn't know all that about the UN info, but I'm not about to bring it up, because I do, unfortunately, need to work with him on a regular basis, and I'd prefer we kept up the "I hate you, you hate me, but we'll act civil toward each other while at work" routine we've developed.

However, if business keeps going like it is, I might just bring it up if we end up having to shut down this particular business.

Luckily, I've still got our family's other 4 businesses to fall back on for job opportunities.
He doesn't.

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-10-17 14:26:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MWG FTW

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2008-10-17 14:21:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Heartwarming

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-10-17 14:12:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I believe the WTBTS has already backpedelled out and come up with some bullshit excuse. It's not jsut that they were registered with the UN, they were actually taking UN payments as part of the program to spread positive propaganda about the UN. There are some other news reports that were out there, but don't recall you'd have to google.

You should do this, and post about it. I'm curious as to what his response will be.


-----

They have indeed. One of the bullshit excuses was that they joined the U.N. to gain "access to their library." Yeah, right.


Next thing to bring up is the WTBTS knowing and willfull cover-up of a rather extensive problem of child molestation from Kingdom Hall elders.

http://silentlambs.org/


Or...the various failed prophecies from 1914, 1918, 1975 and so on. At various times the WTBTS has claimed (or strongly suggested) that Armageddon will happen on these dates. It didn't.

Now, according to the bible, if one makes claims as to being a prophet (the WTBTS 'Governing Body' of 'annoited ones' does indeed claim this) and his (or their) prophecies prove to be false, then that person (or persons) is a false prophet and therefore should be considered "from Satan."

Hmmmm, I believe all of the WTBTS failed prophecies qualifies them as "false prophets."



Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2008-10-17 14:06:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was going to complain that this wasn't as good as the others, but it's Friday, I'm tired, and a shorter, funnier read was in order.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-10-17 13:53:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-17 13:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

This made me very happy. A large portion of my family are Jehovah's Witnesses *coughCULTcough* so I'm very familiar with thier ways.


Hey. Wanna have some fun with this guy for real? Ok, as him about the Jehovah's Witnesses as a member of the U.N.'s NGO (Non-Governmental Organization).

1. JW's think that the U.N. is the "wild beast" mentioned in Revelations and is thusly Satanic.

2. Because of this, according to their beliefs, "true Christians" (which they mean to be them ONLY), must not have anything to do with "Satan and his organization."

3. JW's are a cult and because of this, they are indoctrinated and conditioned to NEVER question their leaders (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society), and that their religion (and leaders) are ALWAYS RIGHT. No exceptions.


At this point, he'll make a bit of noise about how impossible it is that Jehovah's Witnesses would ever be a part of something so evil as the U.N.


Then show him this.....


http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2001/oct/08/religion.world the reason I selected this link is because it is from a secular newspaper and not from a so-called "apostate" website that JWs are petrified of and will not look at.


Tell him, "Huh. Lookit that, Joey. They lied to you! I wonder what else they've lied about."

He'll probably plug his ears and run away, but the look of terror on his face should be a hoot.
------------------------------------------------

I believe the WTBTS has already backpedelled out and come up with some bullshit excuse. It's not jsut that they were registered with the UN, they were actually taking UN payments as part of the program to spread positive propaganda about the UN. There are some other news reports that were out there, but don't recall you'd have to google.

You should do this, and post about it. I'm curious as to what his response will be.

Submitted by Lib at 2008-10-17 13:48:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

For the hate.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-10-17 13:38:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by therealgeddylee at 2008-10-17 13:26:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That mutilating of the jehovas witnesses via dog painted a beautiful portrait in old geddy's mind.

Submitted by beeltea at 2008-10-17 13:14:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is a great series

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-10-17 13:11:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us
from the animals. Except the weasel.

-- Homer Simpson
Boy-Scoutz n the Hood

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-10-17 13:06:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This made me very happy. A large portion of my family are Jehovah's Witnesses *coughCULTcough* so I'm very familiar with thier ways.


Hey. Wanna have some fun with this guy for real? Ok, as him about the Jehovah's Witnesses as a member of the U.N.'s NGO (Non-Governmental Organization).

1. JW's think that the U.N. is the "wild beast" mentioned in Revelations and is thusly Satanic.

2. Because of this, according to their beliefs, "true Christians" (which they mean to be them ONLY), must not have anything to do with "Satan and his organization."

3. JW's are a cult and because of this, they are indoctrinated and conditioned to NEVER question their leaders (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society), and that their religion (and leaders) are ALWAYS RIGHT. No exceptions.


At this point, he'll make a bit of noise about how impossible it is that Jehovah's Witnesses would ever be a part of something so evil as the U.N.


Then show him this.....


http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2001/oct/08/religion.world the reason I selected this link is because it is from a secular newspaper and not from a so-called "apostate" website that JWs are petrified of and will not look at.


Tell him, "Huh. Lookit that, Joey. They lied to you! I wonder what else they've lied about."

He'll probably plug his ears and run away, but the look of terror on his face should be a hoot.


Fucking idiot cultists. Like I said, a lot of my family is brainwashed into that cult. Pisses me the fuck off.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-17 12:58:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-17 12:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Not nearly as well done as the others but I don't feel like shitting on you today.
------------------------------------

Granted, I gave up on it around the time I had him entering the neighborhood, and it all went downhill from there.

Actually, I think the latter part was the better part.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-10-17 12:55:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not nearly as well done as the others but I don't feel like shitting on you today.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-10-17 12:48:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-17 12:45:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad
so other kids will like you better?

Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?


Marge, let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.

-- Homer Simpson
Colonel Homer