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Dru is a dirty old man
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Public Service Announcement: Do Not Slap My Ass Or This Will Happen To You

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 07:09:25 EDT
Rating: 1.06 on 48 ratings (48 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I'm not really sure how to start telling this story. I think I'm going to give you some unnecessary rising action because I feel like the payoff deserves it, but you might just want to skip down to the paragraph that starts with "Toward the end of the night" and that will give you an idea of the bad things that happen to you if you slap my ass.

I have a penchant for breaking things when I am drunk. My specialty is kicking doors down but I also have dabbled in ripping door bell chimes out of the wall, throwing cracked toilet tanks off the roof, and setting fire to old couches left on the street to be picked up by the garbage man in the morning in front of homes which belong to people who I dont know who they are. I don't have a reason for doing any of this, and although I pay for the damage when I am sober the next day I don't see it as a deterrent. I get drunk and break things. It's what I do.

I've never felt sorry for it until Friday night, when I kinda-sorta broke my friend's penis. No homo of course, but it happened and I feel supremely sorry for my involvement.

Friday night was my frat's barn dance. If you never went to college and/or were too cool to associate with the people who pay for their friends, barn dance is an annual event every frat and sorority holds at which everybody gets belligerently drunk and they destroy somebody else's home for once. It's just an excuse to get really really drunk. Like I needed one, alcoholic that I am.

I'll save you the chronology of my drinking because I hate when other people tell me "dude bro I just had like 16 coronas and 7 shots of malibu in 20 minutes dude, ugh ack oh my god bro" and if I were to do the same I would never be able to live with myself. Suffice to say I had a lot, and so did everybody else, and there was much drunken shannigannery. There was head-butting, fake fights, hurdling of the fire, I tackled my girlfriend on the dance floor...etc. A bunch of things guys do when you give them beer and open space.

Toward the end of the night, I was sparring with my girlfriend and one of my friends walked up behind me and slapped my ass.

Now, Brian is not a big man. He's maybe 5'7" and 130 pounds--probably less. But he's fast. So I turned around, and he bolted. I followed him outside into the field and he ran toward the campfire. Right before I caught up to him, he turned back to look at me and I saw the fear of God in his eyes because I was about to lay him out.

And that's when he bounced off the big ass black grill, nearly invisible in the night, especially if you are drunk and sprinting and not watching where the fuck you are going. He spun around and I bowled into him. I got up and he just layed there. I thought, at first, that I had broken his collarbone or something but he just layed there grabbing his crotch. I thought, okay so I hit him in the nuts by accident, he'll be fine in a little bit. I quickly lost interest and walked away, not noticing the big crowd surrounding Brian.

A few minutes later we all got on the buses and drove back to campus, and my girlfriend and I walked to her place for the night.



The next day I came back to the house around 2 in the afternoon, and as is wont to happen, I remembered little from the night before. I walked up to my room and was greeted in the hall by my friend Paul: "Hey, how you doin, dick ripper?"

Me: "Um, good... Did you just call me dick ripper?"

P "Yeah"

M "And, why?"

P "You didn't hear? Brian had to go to the hospital last night. You put a huge gash in his weiner."

No way.

I sent Brian a text message: "Hey, are you doing alright?"

He sends back, "yeah im fine, dont sweat it." No fucking way he's brushing this off.

I text back: "Are you sure? I heard you had to go to the hospital."

"Yeah I had to get some stitches on my dick. but im fine. ill just have a nice scar later."

No fucking way.

I found out over the next few minutes that when Brian bounced off the grill, he hit it with his crotch and partially severed his penis. Seriously -- his dick got knocked halfway off. He said he felt no pain right away, but a wet sensation. He was bleeding, bad.

He didn't get on the buses with us. One of our guys is a paramedic, and when he looked at it he immediately called an ambulance to come pick them up and they went out to some podunk country hospital where, scarily enough, nobody on the night shift had ever tied somebody's dick back on before.

Brian, for the next month at least, can not have sex or jerk off. He has to saran wrap his tool every time he wants to take a shower because the sutures will fall out if they get wet. My primary concern for Brian was not one of these things, though; it was the idea that getting a boner would possibly be the most painful thing he's ever experienced. I don't know about anybody else, but I get about 17 narbs an hour, and it only gets worse if I havent had sex or masturbated lately. So I asked Brian about it and he said, "um, it's kind of weird how it's working right now. When I get a boner, the bottom half of the shaft inflates and the top just kind of curls up."

Ugh.

The conversation I got to have with Brian and his girlfriend (who does not go to our school and does not get to visit often) was not a fun one. Her mood got better when it was suggested that Brian can now focus on her needs exclusively for a little while. "I think this just gives Brian an opportunity to get really, really good at something."




Christ. I can't imagine what I would do with a half-severed weiner. I guess I'm relieved he didn't lose the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And honestly, I dont know how he reacted so non chalantly because if somebody did that to me...I would kill him.




Unrelated: another of my friend's got so drunk that when his girlfriend went home without telling him, he walked into the parking lot yanking on car doors screaming about needing to find her. He didn't even know who was in the cars. When they drove away, he held on and they dragged him at least 50 yards down the street. He came back to the house all disheveled and bleeding, and says, "I got hit by a car man, I need to go to the hospital...but first I need to find my fucking girlfriend." But he never finds her (she's already passed out at her apartment by this time) and when he gets to the hospital he's so belligerent and unruly that they sent him to the mental ward for the night.


Fuck those people though, I had a good time.


I'm choosing not to include a picture of a lacerated penis.

Enjoy this picture of golden retriever puppies instead.




in lieu of ripped peeners.jpg
in lieu of ripped peeners.jpg


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Submitted by ASO at 2010-07-15 06:00:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i just reread this story and, like wine, it has gotten better with age. I had almost forgotten all about this.

Ah, I miss my friends.

If anybody reads this, tell Brian I hope his dick is working again.

Submitted by Shaun_Rocks at 2008-10-30 12:12:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Have I mentioned that you're my best friend and therefore have no reason to ever tackle me or my penis?

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-30 04:37:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2008-10-28 15:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Dude, the ass-slapping was a challenge, and you had to respond. its not you're fault that he got hurt. But this is only going to escalate. This reminds me of the prank war that cowboy and I got into in the dorms, except with actual physical injury. I hope you've got good insurance.

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hahaha. i was thinking, before i knew who you were, that i know a cowboy too. what prank war?

Submitted by woolfe at 2008-10-29 04:25:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by metalbeast7 at 2008-10-28 20:36:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

holy shit
today my penis almost got decapitated because my friend lifted me up by the belt when i was caught off guard.
my belt buckle pretty much pinned my dick to my belly and i think if it was in that position a bit longer, i wouldve had to go to the emergency room
incredible pain...

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 18:12:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Because my writing style is eloquently vulgar and it has a nice, simple complexity to it.

dat and a dude's piddlestick was toltally demaylished brohaym.

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2008-10-28 18:02:18 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Why is this getting decent reviews?..

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 17:38:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I feel like "You are an immature asshole" is an appropriate response to at least 15 of the past 20 things I have posted.

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 17:35:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

You sound like quite a juvenile asshole.

-----

That may be because I am one.

and orphelia, i will include two on my next post to make up for the puppies on this one. :)

I love myself so bad.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-10-28 15:53:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Where the Hell is your camwhore?
Thought you didn't post without one.
:)

Submitted by dangerdude at 2008-10-28 15:34:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, the ass-slapping was a challenge, and you had to respond. its not you're fault that he got hurt. But this is only going to escalate. This reminds me of the prank war that cowboy and I got into in the dorms, except with actual physical injury. I hope you've got good insurance.

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-10-28 15:11:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

wow I'm torn.

You sound immature but....not a bad story

Submitted by experima at 2008-10-28 14:12:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

<3

Submitted by Cyrus at 2008-10-28 13:56:22 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You sound like quite a juvenile asshole.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-10-28 12:54:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

IT CAN BREAK?!

*winces*

Submitted by zzzzz at 2008-10-28 12:51:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-28 16:47:16 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-28 10:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

apparently they make a popping noise when they break.

no i don't know this from personal experience.
------------------------------------------------------------
True. It's the sound of the veins bursting
---

I hope terrible things happen to you both. Terrible tearing things.



I feel quite ill now.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-28 12:47:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-28 10:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

apparently they make a popping noise when they break.

no i don't know this from personal experience.
------------------------------------------------------------
True. It's the sound of the veins bursting.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-10-28 12:33:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

And if you did camwhore a shot of you chowing down a Swanson, I may even up the rating to a 0.

Submitted by stucker at 2008-10-28 12:33:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*sigh*


Yes, Shlongy, that's exactly what I meant.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-10-28 12:32:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You mean "tempted to eat ANOTHER one last night"...right?

Submitted by stucker at 2008-10-28 12:15:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Shlongy, the bump of scar tissue on the underside of my cock ALONE has given more pleasure to more women than every centimeter of your abnormally small flesh plug ever has.



And, believe it or not, I actually DID consider buying a Swanson's Dinner for One (meatloaf variety) at the supermarket yesterday, just to camwhore with it so you'd give me a -1 (per your promise).



But I thought against it. I'd be WAY too tempted to actually eat the thing.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-10-28 12:09:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fortunately for everyone, women will never have to see that scar, Swanson.

I'm sure a few men have though.

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-10-28 12:09:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-10-28 11:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

When I was just a little Oathy I caught my penis in my zipper once while hurriedly dressing for church one morning.

It does in fact bleed a LOT when a male gets cut 'down there'. A LOT.



I still have a scar. It has in fact been mistaken for a genital wart, though offers from doctors to have it 'frozen off' have been politely declined.
-----------------------------------------
That story was ALOT more interesting that this post.

Submitted by stucker at 2008-10-28 11:55:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When I was just a little Oathy I caught my penis in my zipper once while hurriedly dressing for church one morning.

It does in fact bleed a LOT when a male gets cut 'down there'. A LOT.



I still have a scar. It has in fact been mistaken for a genital wart, though offers from doctors to have it 'frozen off' have been politely declined.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2008-10-28 11:45:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What Berty said. Also, I would sue the shit out of you(r parents).

Submitted by zajebisty at 2008-10-28 11:43:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

i just liked the idea of tying one's dick back on

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 11:42:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

locksly - i have no idea about any of that. this is all what i have heard from the paramedic who first took a look at him, from his girlfriend, and from the kid himself. i think, anyway, that the urinary tract is on the bottom and that the only thing that is on top is that big vein--which would explain the heavy bleeding. that and the alcohol thinning the blood.

Submitted by locksly at 2008-10-28 11:21:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I call shenanigans on grounds of exaggeration, what about damage to the urinary tract and I'm sure there would be some kind of atrophy to the tissue immediately around the wound if it just stitches - unless the wound ain't so bad.


I bet you bit his cock during rough sex

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 11:08:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

hahaha...cliche yes, contradictory no.

Can YOU imagine life without a dick? I really can't. It's unfathomable to me. My functional dick is a part of who I am. I would be somebody totally different (I would not be, as Berty said, a "totally uncontrollable douchebag") without it.

If I lost my dick? The first thing I'd do? Cry. the second thing? embark on a furious rampage of slaughter and bloodshed that would not end until the death of my perpetrator. If you give the reviews just a cursory glance you'll find that would be the common response. cliche i guess in its commonality.

I think you'll also find that your empathy matches my own, if you think about it.



oh and also, when the day comes that drinking stops being so much fun, i'll stop drinking.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2008-10-28 10:58:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Christ. I can't imagine what I would do with a half-severed weiner. I guess I'm relieved he didn't lose the whole thing. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And honestly, I dont know how he reacted so non chalantly because if somebody did that to me...I would kill him.

-------------------

Whaaa I can't imagine what I'd do...I'd kill him. Cliche, contradictory and I'm with Shlongy's comment. Good God, kid.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2008-10-28 10:34:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

apparently they make a popping noise when they break.

no i don't know this from personal experience.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-10-28 10:19:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I have an idea.

Why don't you stop drinking until you're old enough to handle your booze.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-10-28 10:13:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-28 09:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

blah blah blah nothing bad could possibly ever happen to me from breaking shit blah blah blah

I told him I will do him one big favor per day until he can use the thing again, but he hasn't taken me up on the offer yet. I might just send his girlfriend a nice flower bouquet from him or do something juvenile like buy him a big box of condoms or a couple Adult Films for when he's ready to go again.
------------------------
If he ever takes leave of his senses and agrees to get married you should do his missus-to-be up the bum and then, when the priest asks for any reason why the two shouldn't marry, you can state it loud and clear. No marriage would ever possibly be able to progress from that point on.

That's arguably the most heroic thing a dude can do for another dude besides jumping on top of an unexploded grenade.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-10-28 09:42:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cardinal rule of dudes, do not fuck with another dudes cock.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2008-10-28 09:40:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

AHAHAHAHHAAAHAHHAHAHAHH

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-28 09:28:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

True, running into the grill was his own fault. Should have watched where he was going....

Submitted by Sage at 2008-10-28 09:26:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny story...

AWWWWW THE PUUUUUPEEEHHHHS!!!!!!!!

POINTS!!

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 09:10:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

hmm. I doubt there will be Comeuppance. I almost wish there would be some but unfortunately I think he's afraid of me. Hence the running away.

I DO feel terrible about what happened but since we know it will work fine again some day you can't deny it's pretty funny. And it wasn't totally my fault. It's not like I yanked on his hoohaa, he ran into the grill on his own.

I told him I will do him one big favor per day until he can use the thing again, but he hasn't taken me up on the offer yet. I might just send his girlfriend a nice flower bouquet from him or do something juvenile like buy him a big box of condoms or a couple Adult Films for when he's ready to go again.

Submitted by Berty at 2008-10-28 08:59:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I'm very sorry to hear that in your social life you are such a totaly uncontrollable douchebag. I can only pray that one day common sense will be victorious whithin the US Government and it shall be legal for you to buy the cheap skag that you need to overcome this terrible affliction.

Heh, seriously though this behaviour is appaling and could well lead to Comeuppance.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-28 08:36:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I dont know how he reacted so non chalantly because if somebody did that to me...I would kill him.
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I hope you feel sorry, you should.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2008-10-28 07:55:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I suspect that the next time you get drunk with Brian, the words "You gonna get raped, boy" will find their way to your ears just as the roofies kick in.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2008-10-28 07:47:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"When I get a boner, the bottom half of the shaft inflates and the top just kind of curls up."

Ha ha.

Submitted by AyeCarumba at 2008-10-28 07:46:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You didn't destroy his dick, he ran it into a grill, his problem.
He shouldn't have been such a queer and slapped your ass in the first place.

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 07:19:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

kk - i am telling you, i'm more than a little startled by the lack of a response from him. i dread the day when it hits him that i've (at least temporarily) destroyed his fuckstick.

I would have gone on a murdering spree if this happened to me.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-10-28 07:18:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Unfortunate.

Submitted by ASO at 2008-10-28 07:17:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Oh, and it was suggested by many that I should not have sex or masturbate until Brian is able to do the same.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah right. I dont feel THAT bad.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2008-10-28 07:16:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Jesus fuck, dude.

You DO realize that poor Mr. DickRipped is going to come back for some sweet revenge, right?



Submitted by zzzzz at 2008-10-28 07:14:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm whimpering here


All right. His story checks out.

-- Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia
under "Bush, George"
Two Bad Neighbors