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If in doubt, breathe out

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-17 04:33:56 EST
Rating: 1.58 on 54 ratings (54 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Some months ago a good friend of mine asked me to be Godmother to her baby-to-be. I was delighted and agreed I would.

She then asked a question that made my eyes widen to comic proportions… “will you be present at the birth?”. Ahhh….um… “can I think about it” was my unsteady reply.

I did indeed think about it and considering I don’t want children, I figured it would be an experience that I would like to witness in my life. That and the fact that she only wanted me, her husband and the Doula (hypno birthing assistant) present at the birth.

Yes, you heard right.

Hypobirthing.

Now I knew very little about this back then but I was quickly taught at sessions in my living room. The parents came to visit and I was requested to place cushions on the floor in a quiet room with candles lit. Through choice I sent the Bloke to the pub as I knew he would have laughed his ass off (I was beginning to get an idea of what was about to happen). The parents provided the cd that we had to listen to.

Mum to be sitting on the floor, leaning on a birthing ball, father to be put the cd on. A singsong gentle woman’s voice entered the room.

“All calm...allllllll quiet. Picture a rainbow..... all the lovely colours”.

Father to be started stroking his wife’s face. I felt a little uncomfortable on the floor with them...

The voice continued “imagine your uterus opening like a flower... there is no pain... birthing is natural to your body”

WHAT?

Now, the first thing going through my head was thank GOD the Bloke wasn’t there - he’d never have kept a straight face. Secondly I thought...um...I haven’t got children but from what I’ve heard – it hurts a bit. Or putting it correctly – it hurts a lot. What the hell is this hypno mumbo jumbo?

But I went along with it. After all it was their choice to decide to give birth (to their first baby) in a birthing pool in their living room with candles, hypno cd and a ‘doula’. Totally up to them.

The day arrived and I was sent for. All was set as the contractions started. Candles – check. Essential oil burning – check. Pool filled with water – check. Hypno cd playing gently (imagine your uterus opening like....a flower...a flower) – check. Hypnobirthing doula in stripy socks and numerous skirts sitting cross legged and smiling at me – check. Time = 11.04pm.

Six hours later the contractions were hitting hard. Every time the mother to be yelled out in pain the doula said ”no, no... there is no pain... let it happen. Every time you want to yell OW – say… yes… YES”

I was sitting there in surprise as my poor pregnant friend and her bewildered husband said YES… every time the contractions came.

Another five hours and the baby made it quite clear it wasn’t coming out. Mother to be is now lying on the bed wailing in absolute agony. I pushed past the ‘new age doula’ and whispered to my friend – “you want me to call an ambulance hon?”

She grabbed me by my hair and begged for gas and air, painkillers, an epidural, a doctor…. death… anything..... YES PLEASE..

We got to the hospital and the doctors took over – they knew nothing about the baby and had to work fast – the baby was in terrible distress – as was my friend who was fainting with the pain. The doula was in the waiting room with me. Why was she still there? As far as I was concerned her job had failed. I was so angry.

Twenty minutes later, at 11.14am the little angel was born. This was on 30th September and I’m glad to say mother and baby are doing well.. However, mother is now suffering from postnatal depression as she feels the birth went so badly. She feels she did it wrong.

I feel so angry towards there eejits who mislead new mothers. It’s a goddamn cult. I know unassisted births can, and do, work but there's no guarantee.

(I’d love to add a photo of the baby but will protect the mothers identity as she’s not on Uber).


08birthingpool_thumb2.jpg
08birthingpool_thumb2.jpg


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Submitted by Unabonger at 2008-12-19 03:04:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

in case you do, scourge, take this little gem of wisdom that was passed to me...

if you put your peenos in there, it makes squishy happy feelings.

and another one...

when she's about to come, punch her in the back of the head. classy women like that sort of thing.

Submitted by scourge at 2008-12-19 00:22:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

VAGINAS ARE WONDROUS AND COMPLEX MACHINES. I HOPE TO ONE DAY VISIT ONE SO THAT I MAY UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WORK.

Submitted by Circe at 2008-12-19 00:01:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ahahahaha

Bubba is a moron sometimes.

I hope your friend takes it easy on herself. That stupid midwife person was supposed to tell her the risks, and make sure she was ready for a hospital birth.

"opening like a flower".... what bullshit. It stretches like a fucking rubber glove being pulled over someone's head and then tears like rice paper.

Submitted by nargles at 2008-12-18 18:36:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-17 20:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

If you can't take the pain, don't take the dick"

...

what century are you from that you have this kind of mentality toward women? i feel sorry for your wife.

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-18 12:34:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-12-18 10:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

My Mom had all five of us vaginally with no drugs. She's a fucking tank.
~~~~~
Jeez - your mom rocks!

Submitted by Pentameter at 2008-12-18 10:24:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My Mom had all five of us vaginally with no drugs. She's a fucking tank.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-12-18 06:13:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-18 03:35:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

oh and hi scourge, hon!

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-18 03:34:37 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-12-18 03:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

oh and you can have a natural, drug-free birth in a hospital too. you don't have to be swimming in twelve-hour-old, lukewarm amniotic fluids surrounded by hippies and candles for it to be natural.
~~~
true

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-18 03:33:34 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-12-17 21:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

A lot of women feel like failures because they couldn't squeeze it out the old fashioned way. There is nothing wrong with being ready for any eventuality.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Exactly.

She feels guilty. Saw her last night for dinner and we had a good old chat about it - she'd not really talked about it enough so think it helped. Just told her she did her best, not everything can be planned and I think she over plannd it to be perfect. Bless - she'll be okay.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2008-12-18 03:33:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh and you can have a natural, drug-free birth in a hospital too. you don't have to be swimming in twelve-hour-old, lukewarm amniotic fluids surrounded by hippies and candles for it to be natural.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2008-12-18 03:30:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-17 17:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2


Pure bullshit. After natural childbirth both the child and the mother are more alert and healthy. Anyone with a modicum of guts can suffer through a few hours of pain, which has absoultely NOTHING to do with the death rate at birth. What a fucking idiot you are.

________

go back and read it again before you break a hip ranting on teh internet. I said the average survival rate from birth to adulthood was 25% before penicillin and 007 movies. Go drink your prune juice you angry, angry old man.

A baby born upside down with an umbilical cord wrapped around it's neck has a much better chance to survive in a modern hospital than it did back in your time.

But I guess the mother being more alert is great AHAR DAR LOLZ!!

You say about three things in response to my comments a year and they all come off like you think you're the shit but it's always you just quick-reading and not comprehending anything anyone has to say, waiting for your chance to show off your intellectual inferiority. You, sir, are the fucking idiot.

Thanks for playing!

Submitted by RoadSong at 2008-12-18 02:58:36 EST (#)
Rating: 0

In the United States--as in other industrialized countries-the infant mortality
rate has declined dramatically during this century. Yet, despite the high
quality and widespread availability of neonatal intensive care technology in
this country, the infant mortality rate remains higher than that of many
developed nations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now why would this be?

Submitted by shadow at 2008-12-17 21:20:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ah, no, I didn't read those posts. Nor am I going to for reference; I'll just take your word and assume that it was just as horrible as all the others have said.

My sympathies, honestly.

yeech.

ow.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-12-17 21:17:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-12-17 20:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Now that's not very friendly.

We'll see who's taking the pain when you get your first kidney stone.
=============
Apparently you haven't read the posters about my age. I have had kidney stones three times so far, and hope I never have another. Too much coffee and too much beer. So, bite me.

Submitted by shadow at 2008-12-17 21:15:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm definitely not saying that women should opt for cesarean, because it's really not the way to go, but getting a generation of women heart-set on "natural" birth is cruel. Especially considering that statistically, most women will need medical intervention. Even if it's something as innocuous as pressure aiding or inducement.

A lot of women feel like failures because they couldn't squeeze it out the old fashioned way. There is nothing wrong with being ready for any eventuality.

Submitted by shadow at 2008-12-17 20:59:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Now that's not very friendly.

We'll see who's taking the pain when you get your first kidney stone.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-12-17 20:56:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If you can't take the pain, don't take the dick, Shadowcunt.

Submitted by shadow at 2008-12-17 20:45:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ok, that might have been a bit much. Apologies. It just seems like there is a whole industry dedicated to milking (haha) and guilting mothers into buying, labouring, following a particular philosophy, etc. and like any other exploitative industry, the "new mum" industry is depraved.

Honesty, good council, facts not fluff. It would save a lot of people unnecessary pain and expense.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-12-17 20:38:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well that's just fuckin silly.

Submitted by shadow at 2008-12-17 20:37:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh ye gods, I have been reading articles about this precise bit of "natural mothering" BULLSHIT for months and I've become properly hostile toward the whole new-age-natural-chew-your-hemp birth nonsense. Deliberately misleading women into thinking that birthing SHOULD be natural is bad enough, then scoffing at or staring down their noses at mothers who put their faith in doctors instead of midwives or "doulas" or whatthehellever. FUCK OFF WITH IT.


DAMN IT. THEY MAKE ME SO MAD.

I don't have children, but if I ever do I'll cram a scented candle down the throat of the first person to tell me I can't have a pain killer.

Even on the "have your baby naturally and surgery is terrible and you're a bad mum" website based in the UK, they flat out listed the rate of successful natural births at 10%

TEN PERCENT

The only reason the mother/infant mortality rate is so low in the western world is because we've been perfecting the medical science of it.

Which is to say that if a woman really wants a "doula" or a midwife, then she should be able to ask for one. But for fuck's sake, can we get some ACCURATE information to these females, telling what the risks really are, instead of holier than thou guilt trips and pushing them out of hospitals?




And I'm very sorry for your friend. There are whole forums dedicated to mums who feel bad because their birth didn't go the way they had planned. Her story is, sadly, very common. Perhaps she can get into a little support group, or just go a-ranting somewheres.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-12-17 17:53:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-12-17 13:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

'natural' birth is barbaric. it's like people saying 'we lived for centuries without modern medicine so i'll be fine!". They forget the survival rate for your average baby-to-adult life was like 25% before the advent of modern medicine.

There's flouride in the toothpaste for a reason, brits.
===========================
Pure bullshit. After natural childbirth both the child and the mother are more alert and healthy. Anyone with a modicum of guts can suffer through a few hours of pain, which has absoultely NOTHING to do with the death rate at birth. What a fucking idiot you are.

Submitted by experima at 2008-12-17 17:18:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fungah at 2008-12-17 14:32:39 EST (#)
Rating: -2

She should eat the baby.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2008-12-17 13:56:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

'natural' birth is barbaric. it's like people saying 'we lived for centuries without modern medicine so i'll be fine!". They forget the survival rate for your average baby-to-adult life was like 25% before the advent of modern medicine.

There's flouride in the toothpaste for a reason, brits.

Submitted by scourge at 2008-12-17 13:15:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i agree.

and i'm not sure why i'm standing up on behalf of them. damn midwives gave their contract to someone else. well haha, joke's on you midwives, he fucked up both of your pieces of legislation this year.





oh yeah...

hi, merlina.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-12-17 13:11:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

actually scourge, MORE hospitals should allow for midwives and doulas. It would take a lot of the stress of the hospital staff and subsequently the mom and dad to be.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-12-17 13:10:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sometimes the rooms end up looking like a gypsy camp.

Submitted by scourge at 2008-12-17 13:00:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

oh, i know all that, fg.

what i was really talking about is overworked or under-concerned doctors who walk into a romm, stare at a clipboard for a second and then bark an order or two at an intern or a nurse and walk out without ever even acknowledging the patient's existence.

doesn't make for a pleasant medical experience.

people want to feel like they are in control of their medical... destiny, i guess.

beyond the help with breathing and positioning and whatever, these people offer some of that control and knowledge to these people. it's a comfort thing.




check better not bounce.

Submitted by Snark at 2008-12-17 13:00:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Here in Canada we lock the family in a room with a jar of KY and a Snow Shovel.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-12-17 12:53:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Scourge,
A lot of hospitals try to accomodate their patients by letting them have midwives in the room with them. I know ours would allow seperate coaches or midwives in the room too. They just had a limit to the amount of people in the room at any given time.

It's just a good idea to be in a hospital, just in case. If the mom wants a doula, great!


Submitted by scourge at 2008-12-17 12:47:40 EST (#)
Rating: 0

your friend located a nutcase, not a doula.

a doula isn't always some mystical mumbo-jumbo hypnotist hippy. most of them are trained in lamaze and other pain cessation techniques, breathing and focussing and so on, that DO work. they are also usually very knowledgeable midwives, which is the role doulas usually fill.

if the mother wants to give birth in hospital they act as a birthing coach and as an intermediary with medical staff. part of the reason for this intermediary role being necessary (in the hospital setting) is that most women aren't prepared mentally to deal with the birth process and the decisions involved and neither are their partners. it's unfortunate, but (at least in america) the medical profession has grown increasingly cold and clinical, loosing all sight of bedside manner and compassion.

no offense to forensic and other quality medical professionals, but too often docs and nurses will ride roughshod over patients in their attempts to just get their jobs done in the quickest and most efficient manner. (before anyone gets all up in arms about my mistreatment of the med profession, i understand the need to streamline the medical industry...it's financially hurting as much as any other and bottom lines must be met. the problem is that humans don't want to feel like they are on an assembly line of healthcare, they want to feel like they did when their pediatrician would hand them a sticker and a sucker after giving them a shot.)

the doula offers a calming voice, a knowledgeable voice, and a known voice to someone who is experiencing an awful lot of pain and feels a lot of pressure in more ways than one. majority of the time, the woman who uses a doula will NOT have the same feelings, depression failure etc., that your friend experienced, because they will feel that they were in control of the process.








good thing the doula's union paid my lobbying fee this month. lucky whores.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-12-17 12:24:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Two of our four children were natural births, done in the hospital. Read the horror stories about post-partum hemorrhage. Labor times on each of those two were in the neighborhood of three hours. No muss, no fuss. I didn't feel a thing.

Submitted by ubetidid at 2008-12-17 12:19:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0


oh hell...birth ain't nothin compared to trying to
raise the little shits.

wait till it's a teenager...

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-12-17 11:22:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-12-17 09:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

You should have kicked the hypno bitch in the cunt and tolde her to say yes to that.
===
Between this and FG's story I have the LOLZ. Hey M, Merry Christmas!

Submitted by lungfish at 2008-12-17 11:19:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I watched my wife in labor for 21 hours. Not fun. Even worse for her. She couldn't push my big-headed daughter out. Finally opted for c-section, which wasn't fun to watch either. Then I got drunk. Ta-da.

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-17 11:10:38 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-17 10:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i hope your friend gets the help she needs.
~~~

thanks, inion... spoke to her the other day on the phone and said to her "next time, hospital maybe?" She said "ohhh yes".

Am seeing them tonight actually.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2008-12-17 10:43:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

way to risk death of mother and infant. dumb twat. good thing she had you there. my goddaughter's mom did natural birth, in a hospital though. was in labor for about a day. thank god she wasn't so hippy she thought a midwife alone was a good idea.

i hope your friend gets the help she needs.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2008-12-17 10:17:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

now, mom is supposed to get IN the tub and give birth? What kind of soup will that look like?
yechhh, blood and baby juice

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-12-17 09:45:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Didn't read this.

Submitted by indoninja at 2008-12-17 09:35:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Who is the fucktard that though natural means not painful.

You should have kicked the hypno bitch in the cunt and tolde her to say yes to that.

Submitted by Sage at 2008-12-17 09:34:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Weird...

Submitted by Doodles at 2008-12-17 09:29:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've seen hypontism work, so I "believe" in it.

But to try and use hypontism to block out pain is fucking idiotic.

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2008-12-17 09:03:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I mean, I have no idea what it's like to give birth. But I do have an idea what it's like to shit a television." --Billy Joel

Submitted by Merlina at 2008-12-17 08:35:27 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-17 08:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

But wait, if my math is correct it took 11 hours for your friend, her husband, and that doula chick to figure out that the natural childbirth wasn't workin' out for them?!
~~~~~~

Yep. Well they weren't going to listen to me were they? Well not until she HAD to.

Birth is pretty gross to watch, to be honest. I'm sure its beautiful to parents and all that palava but..... euuuuugh.



Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2008-12-17 08:23:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your title rhymes, I dig that.

But wait, if my math is correct it took 11 hours for your friend, her husband, and that doula chick to figure out that the natural childbirth wasn't workin' out for them?!

Eleven hours!

Well, they sound committed at least.

Submitted by Rob23 at 2008-12-17 08:19:42 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Gah. Children fail. >_>

Submitted by FWFIV at 2008-12-17 08:14:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My wife's labor came on too quickly for an epidural so she did it the "old fashioned" way. Her opinion is that anyone who would willingly choose the no drug option is loco crazy insane.

Submitted by rubbermaid at 2008-12-17 08:11:20 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Your friend has every right to have postnatal depression because she failed at giving birth like they did the centuries and centuries prior to the past two.

You should've been a good friend and talked her out of wanting children.

Submitted by Method at 2008-12-17 07:44:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

CTRL+F

BLOKE

CONGRATULATIONS!

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2008-12-17 07:25:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The voice continued "imagine your uterus opening like a flower... there is no pain... birthing is natural to your body"

WHAT?

======

Hahahahahaha! I <3 Merlina.

Medical science can be a wonderful thing. Use it.

Don't feel bad Merlina. When I still was a lab jockey, I got trapped in the delivery room of a laboring woman. I guess when the wee beastie decided to pop out, he practically JOGGED out of her vagina.

The nurse said "She's crowning!"

Next thing I know, the room is filled with staff and I couldn't get around them. I was stuck.

I looked up at the ceiling and kept telling myself, 'Don't look down. Don't look down.'

Well, you know what happens when you tell yourself that. Yeah, I looked down.

I saw the slippery neonate pop out along with various fluids.

I don't remember the seconds after that because I fainted and hit the floor. Since everyone was attending to the mother and baby, they had no choice but to leave me where I lay.

Later they brought me around. I opened my eyes only to find nurses, doctors, and a respiratory therapist standing over me and laughing their asses off.

After that whenever I was called to labor and delivery, I stopped at the desk and checked on the mother's labor progression. I wasn't about to let that happen again.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2008-12-17 07:04:54 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I can't imagine wanting to do anything for eleven hours without a break. MLW was watching some show last night whrein a woman had conjoined twins and went into early labor. They had her on the table and went after the baby(s) with a scalpel before the anaesthetic had fully kicked in because they weren't detecting fetal heartbeat(s). From first incision to baby(s) out in less than one minute. That's medical efficiency right there.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-12-17 06:26:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HappY Christmas

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2008-12-17 06:22:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love some of the midwives I work with. Their responce to anyone who wants a natural birth is....

"we'll see"

Let's keep it online for back up hmmmmn?





Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

-- Homer Simpson
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