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LMAO That's guy's pretty sad, isn't he? Must be tough being so gay.
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Internet Chats Nearly Killed Me

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-02-11 10:16:55 EST
Rating: 1.62 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

It's not often that I brag (except about how fucking awesome I am), but I'm proud to say that I consider myself one of the first few to take up chatting online, in actual chat rooms, for reasons other than the opportunity to beat off over a bunch of words on the screen that I could have just typed myself.

At first it was quite an interesting hobby. In my young teens, I was able to go online, enter some random chat room and there would normally be at least one person who you could have a normal (albeit weird) conversation with. You can find out all manner of things, make friends with the words that were written, and learn about places in the world I was never going to go to. At that time I didn't even know that Wales had electricity, let alone internet connections.

And then, over the years, things began to change. No matter what room you went into, or wherever it might happen to be, you could spot the migration. Slowly at first, and then it picked up speed like an ice cream truck approaching fat camp. Suddenly, every person seemed to be either so completely perverted in any which way imaginable, or they were a machine, pumping out link after link.

I stopped going into online chats when it started to look like Google had thrown up all over them. Nothing but underlined blue shit, with catching slogans like "Everyone says I'm fit, but I don't know....what do you think???!!!!!!! www.slutsformoneybutnotwhores.com/profiles/sluttygirl10000".

An enticing as that particular push for business might have been, it was never specific enough for me to be certain what I would be getting. That and having a girlfriend in real life kind of makes the whole internet sex thing redundant. Yes, that might eliminate 80% of websites, and the fact that I have fuck all money eliminates the other 70% (there's about 50% of crossover there), it leaves me scrabbling around looking for the odd gem when I have nothing to do.

Not interested in world events, being better than any blogger and impatient after searching for a single funny video on websites dedicated to the fucking thing, it leaves me to just bitch about the lack of content on one of the very few sites that I can regularly enjoy (despite the also steep decline).

Being extra bored whilst taking a day off last week, I decided to see if people had learned not to click on links in chat rooms, and if the businesses had learnt that advertising where no one is clicking is kind of useless. The results were mixed.

Trying a number of different themed rooms, the results were sometimes terrifying, sometimes boring and most often the same as seven years ago.

Some examples (with grammar improved, so I don't kill myself in shame):

Metal/Rock Music
User1: Who loves metallica????
User2: Deftones! DT FTW!
User1: Not as good as A7X
User3: A7X sucks! Distillers forever
User2: Fuck Distillers. What have they ever done better than DTs?
User3: How about EVERYTHING!
User2: Fuck this chat, it sucks

This was as much conversation as I could make out of the lists of complete random users who just popped up every now and again, listing a band/artist/album/track/riff that they love or hate, and then were silent again. This was the only time I decided to opt-in with a little extra credit experiment:

Nath: Who loves The Mass Field Killing?

Such a stupid, made up band name, you would assume that people would either ignore it, or call me out on it. Too many responded with either support or hatred that I was convinced that I had somehow stumbled into the Manly Pride room, but I think that one has a different subject matter altogether.

UK Locals
User1: Anyone here from the North?
User2: I live up North. Where abouts are you?
User1: Yorkshire. You?
User2: Glasgow.
User1: Awesome.
User3: I'm from Kent.

After that, the room was silent for a few moments, before the pattern repeated itself. It's hard to tell, but it seems that people will refuse to chat to anyone that doesn't live next door to them. Surely, if you're that interested in chatting to someone who lives local to you, you should just, you know, go outside.

User1: Does anyone know how to make a web service work without anon access on the server?
User2: Google it
User3: Has anyone seen this error before?
User2: Check Google.
User4: God I need a new job...<some shit anecdote about their job>
User2: So? We don't care
User4 and User2 decide to have a pathetic war of words, which is not even funny or worth remembering

Admittedly I was scraping the barrel in going into this chat room, but I thought, what the fuck, I'm a programmer, maybe there's someone as amazing as me in there. Turns out that was too much to ask for. It seemed that it was full of amateurs and a bitter Google employee.

So, in the end, I just went for the most general room I could find.

General Chat
User1: Any real women in here?
User2: Does this room have any REAL girls who want a REAL chat?
User3: WTF? Where are there no women in here...
User4: I know, dude. What the hell's going on?
User3: Shut up, fag
User4: Fuck you

I stood up, went into the kitchen and slowly worked a knife across my wrists.

When that didn't work, I couldn't work it out. So I Googled it. In my silent rage at humanity, I had forgotten, Down the Street, Not Across it. What jogged my memory? An awesome article telling you all about the difference between slitting your wrists to kill yourself, and slitting your wrists to get a cool looking scar. This restored some of my faith, and I put the knife down.

The internet sent me to the brink of life, and then pulled me back again. I truly am a geek.

Review This Item




Submitted by Jacobi at 2009-02-13 23:10:29 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-02-12 03:32:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by locksly at 2009-02-12 03:20:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not interested in world events, being better than any blogger and impatient after searching for a single funny video on websites dedicated to the fucking thing

Plus 2 for summing up the internet

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2009-02-11 22:11:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by maiorano84 at 2009-02-11 21:20:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Lib at 2009-02-11 21:11:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

: )

Submitted by TheGoat at 2009-02-11 18:41:16 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-11 19:30:27 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

I laughed until I farted


I farted until I laughed

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-02-11 16:48:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you're pretty funny.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-02-11 15:24:55 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-02-11 14:59:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Mass Field Killing fucking RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by scourge at 2009-02-11 14:51:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i'm not loving this as mcu as everyone else seems to.

not saying it was horrible, just that you have done better.

still, in comparison to most of the rest of the front page...

Submitted by AJ at 2009-02-11 14:48:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm still signed in, dork.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2009-02-11 14:33:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It means AJ was finally able to trick that goat into the head chute.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-02-11 14:30:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed until I farted.

Submitted by corn nugget at 2009-02-11 14:24:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

For the record: Aj just logged onto google chat and sent me this message:

AJ: I'm not a virgin.

Then he hurriedly logged back off.

What does this mean?!

Submitted by corn nugget at 2009-02-11 14:18:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by corn nugget at 2009-02-11 14:16:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Aj masturbating to me doesn't count as "taking his virginity".

Submitted by Method at 2009-02-11 14:15:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Took AJ's virginity, below

Submitted by corn nugget at 2009-02-11 14:09:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-02-11 13:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I haven't been in an internet chat room since I was 14.


Back when you were a virgin?

oh wait.........

Submitted by AJ at 2009-02-11 13:48:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I haven't been in an internet chat room since I was 14.

Submitted by mixed_metaphor at 2009-02-11 13:37:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by experima at 2009-02-11 12:36:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Surely, if you're that interested in chatting to someone who lives local to you, you should just, you know, go outside."


Submitted by Berty at 2009-02-11 12:05:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

In other words; every single 'expert' or 'distinguished achiever' Radio 4 has ever had on to speak about the internet is a pussy.

The modern "high brow" chat alternative is a failiure.

In the past a boy proved himself a man by killing a boar, joining his military or ritualistic communal based presentation. In the age of tommorow he shall prove himself a man by taming a retard.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-02-11 11:57:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The internet sorts the weak idealist from the strong by challenging their rational wisdom with raw noise. Whilst it is ethically acceptable to seek temporary refuge amongst like minds; the digital idealist carries an obligation to be evangelical. From there, methods vary.

Some counter noise with noise: be it headache inducing banner ads or the inspiration of fanatacism in the simple. Any meaningful communication of ideas is lost, however, and the philosophy is shattered into sobriquets. Thus, perpetuators of this method utilise their created cacophony as a gateway to a central hub of, at least theoretically, rational elaboration.

Others take a targeted approach; either establishing small communities (on-line kibbutz if you will) in order to create equals to ultimately take theit message forth.

There is a tactic of influencing cultural or intellectual figures who are prominent in the collective psyche. Ron Hubbard and co adopted this method for fun and profit.

Truly though; is not the greatest method to simply take that noise and bend it through force of will, transparent articulation and purity of purpose? To reap every stalk of corn individually, but to do so at the speed of light?

It may seem an impossible task, but such is the obligation of the true seeker, the ultra human, the bringer of the storm, the fire and the light. Such is the obligation of the Übermensch and when he strides out of South Korea, 20 feet tall and piloting an 800 foot mechanoid, we shall all be beholden to the age of noise and building that is the modern era.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2009-02-11 11:15:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by corn nugget at 2009-02-11 11:13:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

When I was 16 I chatted on a chatroom server called "coolchat". lol... anyway, at the time I didn't realize how horribly WRONG it was that the men in their 30s and 40s tried to get me to have internet sex, nor did I think it was weird when these same men tried to be my "friend".

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-02-11 10:55:55 EST (#)
Rating: 1

If ever I'm feeling exceptionally smart, simply entering any non-technical chat room and watching the conversation for a couple minutes will dumb me right back down. It's like a temporary lobotomy.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-02-11 10:41:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

troof and weirdness

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-02-11 10:25:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

that metal conversation formula does not apply to just chat rooms. i've met few metal heads that said more than "FUCK YOU _______ RULES!!!!" when talking about music.

this +2 is just cuz i hope you keep coming back.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-02-11 10:22:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Chat is for morons.
Thats why I use this serious writers forum and this site only.
And maybe youporn.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2009-02-11 10:19:53 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Once you've had a wank and read the paper, the internet gets really old really quickly.

You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week ... I told you.
My baby beat me up ... Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought

-- Homer Simpson
Itchy & Scratchy & Marge