PoppySubmitted by Ducky at 2009-03-19 10:02:50 EDT
Rating: 1.77 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Dogs are not meant to be fat. It’s not cute – it’s unhealthy.
They are meant to be energetic, spry, and healthy – in their youth and middle age at least…even in their old age they should maintain some semblance of health.
I don’t have a dog – I love them but I don’t have one (read: I am poor and rent a petri-dish sized basement suite where they do not allow animals). I think one day I will be a fucking fantastic dog owner though.
My girlfriend has a dog. A rottweiler called Poppy. I’ve known Poppy since she was just a little pup. Sweetest, most mild mannered dog I’ve ever met. My friend doesn’t walk Poppy much – she prefers to do silly hippie things around the house (burning sage, drumming, chanting, naked dancing, making food out of natural things, creating lame art, etc.). I always show up at her place when I go hiking – I walk in and grab the dog and we head off on a grand adventure. She does not come with me because anything non-flat is a massive inconvenience to her. The last time I actually convinced her to come with me I regretted it within the first 5 minutes.
Friend: Hey Ducky, look at this tree…it has an awesome vibe…let’s hug it.
Ducky: Erm…okay. *hugs tree..blinks a bit…feels very little in the way of vibage*.
Friend: Oh man Ducky, can you feel the awesome energy coming from this tree? It’s
like, so awesome. I just want to climb it and like, lay on one of the branches.
Friend: *climbs tree and lays on one of the branches*.
For an hour.
When I go out with Poppy (just the dog and I), she gets to do all of the following amazing things:
-shower drool down the back of my neck in the car,
-try to bring various dead animal parts back to the car,
-listen to me yell “NO NO NO” as I wrestle dead fish out of her mouth,
-sniff random poo and the butts of other dogs,
-step in cacti,
-try to remove the cacti from her feet and legs herself,
-whine while I headlock her and pull the cacti out of her jowls,
-romp around in mud,
She has always been able to keep up with me. Always.
I have been away in Korea for a while, and recently came back to the land of ice and snow (what the fuck was I thinking) to teach in Canada land. Seeing Poppy for the first time in half a year infuriated me.
Ducky: “Dude, she’s fucking obese”.
Friend: *blows smoke out* “Yeah, I know…I haven’t walked her much this winter”.
Ducky: “Poppy come here”.
Poppy: *waddle, waddle, waddle – heavy breathing* “arrrowwrrrr – uf”.
Ducky: *shakes head at Athena* “Poppy lets go for a walk”.
Typically, saying the W word would have her in a convulsing, fur covered fit of happiness. I could tell she was trying. She managed to stand up and make some happy dog throat noises and pant a bit.
She enjoyed the drive out in my totally awesome in every way, new-to-me 4-door Saturn sedan (rolls eyes), but within the first few minutes of our walk she was lagging behind. I was furious with my girlfriend. Poppy waddled and stumbled behind me, gasping for air. I felt so incredibly sorry for her. We took break after break so that she could catch her breath. She was fine on the way down, but just before returning to the car there was a slight incline (less than a minutes worth) and she stopped dead in her tracks. Prompting and prodding her did nothing. She was going nowhere, and punctuated her decision by making a loud farting noise and laying down in a pile of wet cow shit.
I ended up having to carry her highness back to the car.
We’ll try something easier in a couple of days.
That and I’m not proof-reading this. I hope you all have a lovely day.