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Poppy

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-03-19 10:02:50 EDT
Rating: 1.77 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Dogs are not meant to be fat. It’s not cute – it’s unhealthy.

They are meant to be energetic, spry, and healthy – in their youth and middle age at least…even in their old age they should maintain some semblance of health.

I don’t have a dog – I love them but I don’t have one (read: I am poor and rent a petri-dish sized basement suite where they do not allow animals). I think one day I will be a fucking fantastic dog owner though.

My girlfriend has a dog. A rottweiler called Poppy. I’ve known Poppy since she was just a little pup. Sweetest, most mild mannered dog I’ve ever met. My friend doesn’t walk Poppy much – she prefers to do silly hippie things around the house (burning sage, drumming, chanting, naked dancing, making food out of natural things, creating lame art, etc.). I always show up at her place when I go hiking – I walk in and grab the dog and we head off on a grand adventure. She does not come with me because anything non-flat is a massive inconvenience to her. The last time I actually convinced her to come with me I regretted it within the first 5 minutes.

Friend: Hey Ducky, look at this tree…it has an awesome vibe…let’s hug it.

Ducky: Erm…okay. *hugs tree..blinks a bit…feels very little in the way of vibage*.

Friend: Oh man Ducky, can you feel the awesome energy coming from this tree? It’s
like, so awesome. I just want to climb it and like, lay on one of the branches.

Ducky: What?

Friend: *climbs tree and lays on one of the branches*.

For an hour.

When I go out with Poppy (just the dog and I), she gets to do all of the following amazing things:

-shower drool down the back of my neck in the car,
-pee,
-try to bring various dead animal parts back to the car,
-listen to me yell “NO NO NO” as I wrestle dead fish out of her mouth,
-sniff random poo and the butts of other dogs,
-step in cacti,
-try to remove the cacti from her feet and legs herself,
-whine while I headlock her and pull the cacti out of her jowls,
-romp around in mud,
-chase sheep.

She has always been able to keep up with me. Always.

I have been away in Korea for a while, and recently came back to the land of ice and snow (what the fuck was I thinking) to teach in Canada land. Seeing Poppy for the first time in half a year infuriated me.

Ducky: “Dude, she’s fucking obese”.

Friend: *blows smoke out* “Yeah, I know…I haven’t walked her much this winter”.

Ducky: “Poppy come here”.

Poppy: *waddle, waddle, waddle – heavy breathing* “arrrowwrrrr – uf”.

Ducky: *shakes head at Athena* “Poppy lets go for a walk”.

Typically, saying the W word would have her in a convulsing, fur covered fit of happiness. I could tell she was trying. She managed to stand up and make some happy dog throat noises and pant a bit.

She enjoyed the drive out in my totally awesome in every way, new-to-me 4-door Saturn sedan (rolls eyes), but within the first few minutes of our walk she was lagging behind. I was furious with my girlfriend. Poppy waddled and stumbled behind me, gasping for air. I felt so incredibly sorry for her. We took break after break so that she could catch her breath. She was fine on the way down, but just before returning to the car there was a slight incline (less than a minutes worth) and she stopped dead in her tracks. Prompting and prodding her did nothing. She was going nowhere, and punctuated her decision by making a loud farting noise and laying down in a pile of wet cow shit.

I ended up having to carry her highness back to the car.

We’ll try something easier in a couple of days.

That and I’m not proof-reading this. I hope you all have a lovely day.




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Submitted by sandmantate at 2009-03-24 05:55:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I had to put flea medicine on my cats today, because I've been leaving the windows open to enjoy the weather. It pissed one of them off so royally that she drooled and growled at me from the corner of the living room for nearly an hour. She was prepared to throw our 5 year relationship away with her righteous anger. I tried to give her an olive as a peace offering, but she refused to eat it with me in the room. She's all better now; she remembered that she loves olives and begged me for more. I can still see a look in her eyes that says that this will not be forgotten, and I will come to rue the day I crossed her.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-03-24 05:24:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love dogs. They make the best noises when you drop them off the roof.

Are you back from Korea forever now or are you just on loan?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-03-24 04:32:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would rather see a plump dog than one with ribs and hip bones poking thru their dull hair.I don't watch those animal cop shows because I can't stand to see the starving animals....

Submitted by Mr_Trollope at 2009-03-23 07:36:22 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Judgement at 2009-03-23 07:26:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-03-22 16:26:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

All dogs get old and.....

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2009-03-20 16:26:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Evening Duckster. I want to slap your friend silly. Hope you get the chance to take the dog out with you and slim it down now you're back.

On a side note, I am currently boggle eyed furious with someone (and I will find you shit bag) who keeps feeding my cat. I keep them both on a firm diet and make sure they are booted outside to keep them active (though that was never a problem - they love romping in the garden) but still one of them is on the chubby side, not fat yet, but heavy. I have kept them in for a couple of days and nights and suddenly you would think im starving them the way they're carring on around the food bowls, yowling to get outside etc. I don't want to take thier freedom and i want them to stay active, but if I don't keep them in I can't watch carefully over thier diet. It's not a problem now, the vet said just to keep and eye on them, but I don't want it to turn into a problem.

Dangerous wouldn't look good a fatty.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-20 03:25:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i think the parents of fat kids should be locked up too

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-03-20 01:04:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA as I was saying..I HATE when people are so fucking selfish as to get a pet they are then too lazy to care for properly. It's abusive and they should be chained in the yard instead of their animals.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-03-20 01:01:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hate HATE

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-19 16:42:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice to see you back. hope your trip was successful.
I think in the UK you can now be criminally prosectued for making your pet fat. It is abuse.
Poor pooch. Silly selfish sod.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-03-19 16:26:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-03-19 13:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

YAY DOGS. I love them. My dog Arooo (actually she's my boyfriend's dog but she sleeps in my bed every night so what the hell) is super smart and cute but she's bad about some stuff. The other day she ran off while I had her out in the back yard for a pee. She almost gave the next door neighbors' elderly black nanny a heart attack when she ran by - the crazy old broad was screaming like there was a grizzly after her or something. Then Arooo disappeared for 20 minutes, probably because the old lady's screaming scared the shit out of her, and when she finally came back, she had poop smeared all over her face, which apparently she had been snacking on from someone else's yard. It was a delightful evening.
***************************
This made me LOL. And miss my dog. :(

Submitted by Blackberry at 2009-03-19 16:20:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You somehow tricked me into reading this entire thing. Bastard.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-03-19 16:05:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good luck with the pup. :)

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-03-19 15:56:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i like dogs.

Submitted by Lib at 2009-03-19 13:38:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-03-19 13:25:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YAY DOGS. I love them. My dog Arooo (actually she's my boyfriend's dog but she sleeps in my bed every night so what the hell) is super smart and cute but she's bad about some stuff. The other day she ran off while I had her out in the back yard for a pee. She almost gave the next door neighbors' elderly black nanny a heart attack when she ran by - the crazy old broad was screaming like there was a grizzly after her or something. Then Arooo disappeared for 20 minutes, probably because the old lady's screaming scared the shit out of her, and when she finally came back, she had poop smeared all over her face, which apparently she had been snacking on from someone else's yard. It was a delightful evening.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-03-19 12:54:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rorrim at 2009-03-19 12:26:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like dogs, and if i wasn't a profesional procrastinator, i would have one.
Lucky doggies.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-03-19 12:08:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

scourge made me laugh.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-03-19 12:06:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

poor dog. my dog doesn't get to go out much but i try and take him hiking when it's nice out and let him run laps around our pond. also i let him run around in the woods. sometimes he brings back dead things too. like a deer leg.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-03-19 11:20:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I agree but next time you want to blog. Don't.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-03-19 11:05:16 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-03-19 11:04:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hi forensic:

i've been friends with this woman for 10 years - she's got some amazing qualities as well as some that are erm...lackluster - I'm feeling upset over her lack of attention to her dog, who I adore. she's been a good listener and has also given me some amazing advice over the years, and we are accepting of each others idiosyncrasies (most of them). She knows I think her metaphysical spirit energy ball shit is garbage, and she forgives that I'm anal retentive and open non believer who keeps my place sterile and hospital-like. I make gingerbread houses with her kids at Christmas time and she makes me cake with beet-mint icing for my birthday. Give and take.

scourge:

dog vomit is horrible...vomit in general is horrible...

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-03-19 10:57:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Me and her indoors have 2 dogs, one is a lurcher, Jack. Jack is super skinny (read: Greyhound wolfhound cross) but Beau (collie / spaniell cross) is a bit "tubby" we have "fat dog food" for Beau and "skinny dog food" for Jack. Beau is always jealous of Jack's "racing dog food" though. All those carbs must taste so good.

Beau's still tubby, but he's an old boy, can still run like the best of them but can't keep up with Jack, wouldn't expect him to though, jack is like the fucking flash!

Aw, i'm looking forward to getting home to play with those silly boys now.

Oh yeah, I've also got a Chocolate laborador, Lola, she's perfect but she lives with my folks. Our house is just about big enough for 2 dogs, no way near big enough for 3! Lola was fat, but then we realised, at a year old, that we were still feeding her "puppy food" designed for growth. She's lost a lot of weight now shes on proper food and she's just perfect.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-03-19 10:42:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No offense, but your friend sounds like a useless tit of a hippy. Why are you friends with her?

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-03-19 10:41:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ballare is hot, that is all.

and Athena is a Battlestar Galactica name.

Chuuch.

Submitted by Ballare at 2009-03-19 10:41:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, yeah, and one time I dated a douchebag whose dog was so fat (he fed her ice cream when it was hot out and decided since "she ate a chocolate bar one time" she couldn't be deathly allergic to it so gave her those, too, and "feeding" consisted of filling up a cooking bowl of dog food once every two days and leaving it on the floor) she eventually had a stroke and for a full day bumped blindly around into walls and couldn't figure out how to lay down or eat or go down stairs or wag her tail. He decided this was perfectly normal and that it would resolve itself and so he never took her to the vet, but this was shortly before I broke up with him and I never knew the final fate of that fat fat dog.

God, what a douchebag.

Submitted by Ballare at 2009-03-19 10:36:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Athena, that's a silly name.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-03-19 10:16:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my dog puked on my couch the other day.

later i was smoking a cigar in the back yard watching my small ones play and she climbed up on my lap. i felt all sory for her because of her hurt tummy so i let her stay.

she shivered a bit and rested her head on my shoulder.

then she licked my face.

then she puked all over me.

it wasn't a pleasant experience.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-03-19 10:14:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

holy fuck uber is slow today!


Smithers:
Next. There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do?

Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?? We're all going to die!!

I Married Marge