Return to Work InterviewSubmitted by Spam at 2009-03-27 22:33:34 EDT
Rating: 1.47 on 27 ratings (27 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Reason for sickness?
I couldn’t be fucking bothered.
Brian looks up from the list of questions that personnel hand out to the management whenever anybody takes a day off and frowns disapprovingly.
okay, okay, I wave away his reproachful look If you must know I had a job interview.
His sigh is barely audible but still enough to provide me with a morsel of satisfaction.
I’ll put ‘Flu’ down shall I?
He’s already started to scribble the answer down on the sheet when I motion to stop him.
Does it have to be Flu? Flu’s so fucking lame – everybody gets it, and it’s pretty fucking obvious that it wasn’t really flu seeing as I was only off for one day. It just makes me look like some sort of pussy
Well I’ve started to write it down now, so we’re going to have to go with it.
Can’t you just scribble it out and write something else?
Oh yeah, his words drip with sarcasm That’ll look good won’t it? Nobody would EVER guess that we were making it up… What else would you want me to put anyway?
There’s a long pause as I try and find something interesting enough to be original but still quite plausible.
Brian spits his tea out on the form, which is a result because not only does it look piss funny but it also means that we’ll have to rewrite the bitch and the prolapse could possibly be a goer.
Yeah. Caused by the repeated violent intrusion of managerial phalluses.
I’m tired of you guys fucking me,
Oh. Okay... But isn’t it ‘Phalli’ when it’s plural?
Dunno. Just Put ‘Cocks’ down.
But I see him take another sheet from his drawer and write ‘Man-Flu’ down instead. Which I suppose is something of a compromise.
He rubs his hands together in a business-like fashion.
Okay, Question 2: During your illness, were you prevented from leaving the house
I wouldn’t say ’prevented’ per se, more ‘disinclined’
It’s Yes/No Sam.
In that case, ‘No’.
He ticks yes.
Question 3: Is this illness likely to re-occur?
He ticks No again.
Question 4: Were you prescribed or did you self-prescribe any medication during your sickness?
He ticks yes.
What were they?
Massive quantities of THC to be taken regularly throughout the day and night.
He frowns for a second before writing ‘herbal painkillers’ on the sheet and for the briefest of seconds I’m really fucking proud of him - I can see that he’s really starting to get into the spirit of things.
Question 5: are you currently in a fit state to work to the best of your abilities.
If I’m honest with you boss, I’ve still got a fucking raging hangover.
He writes: ‘Some residual symptoms’
Question 6: Briefly describes the symptoms leading to your absence.
I’m about to open my mouth but he silences me with a weird kind of chopping gesture that causes me to smirk despite myself.
before you get started, I’m just going to write ‘nausea and headache’
Awwwww: Fucking LAME. Could I least have the shits. Awww come on Brian, please give me the shits.
there’s the briefest of pauses as both of us run through the last sentence in our heads and simultaneously decide never to mention it to anybody ever again.
He writes: ‘Diareah’
That’s not how you spell it mate.
He draws a line through it. And underneath writes: ‘Dirriah.
Come on man, that’s not even fucking close
Well how the fuck do you spell it then?
How the fuck would I know?
His shoulders slump with an air of resignation and he strikes that one out as well and writes underneath simply: ‘The Shits’.
Look Bri I interrupt, Do I even have to be here? Can’t you just fill it in and give it to me later to sign?
No I can’t Sam. Anyway, would you rather be out there?
He gestures to the floor of spunk gobbling sales monkeys who are all walking around with headsets on and gesticulating wildly whilst talking bollocks to disinterested people on the phone.
Anyway, we’re pretty much done, I just need to write down what further action I’m taking.
I think you should give me a disciplinary. I’m way over the sickness percentage that the company considers acceptable. I don’t think you have any choice mate. I put on my best Mockney Accent. It’s a fair cop guv, I’ll come quietly and no mistake.
He ticks the box that says ‘None’. and passes me the sheet to sign which I do, making sure to make my signature fucking massive so that it takes up his line as well meaning he'll have to sign over the top of my scrawl, which I know really fucking irritates him
It’s a shame we didn’t get a chance to do this more often
Yeah, he says looking genuinely sad
Pub tonight for a final few drinks?
I shake his hand.
Good luck in your new job mate.
Even when it's not yours, last days are fucking ace.