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Return to Work Interview

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-27 22:33:34 EDT
Rating: 1.47 on 27 ratings (27 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Reason for sickness?

I couldn’t be fucking bothered.

Brian looks up from the list of questions that personnel hand out to the management whenever anybody takes a day off and frowns disapprovingly.

okay, okay,
I wave away his reproachful look If you must know I had a job interview.

His sigh is barely audible but still enough to provide me with a morsel of satisfaction.

I’ll put ‘Flu’ down shall I?

He’s already started to scribble the answer down on the sheet when I motion to stop him.

Does it have to be Flu? Flu’s so fucking lame – everybody gets it, and it’s pretty fucking obvious that it wasn’t really flu seeing as I was only off for one day. It just makes me look like some sort of pussy

Well I’ve started to write it down now, so we’re going to have to go with it.

Can’t you just scribble it out and write something else?

Oh yeah,
his words drip with sarcasm That’ll look good won’t it? Nobody would EVER guess that we were making it up… What else would you want me to put anyway?

There’s a long pause as I try and find something interesting enough to be original but still quite plausible.

Anal Prolapse

Brian spits his tea out on the form, which is a result because not only does it look piss funny but it also means that we’ll have to rewrite the bitch and the prolapse could possibly be a goer.

Anal Prolapse?!

Yeah. Caused by the repeated violent intrusion of managerial phalluses.

What?

I’m tired of you guys fucking me,

Oh. Okay... But isn’t it ‘Phalli’ when it’s plural?

Dunno. Just Put ‘Cocks’ down.

Okay. Sure

But I see him take another sheet from his drawer and write ‘Man-Flu’ down instead. Which I suppose is something of a compromise.

He rubs his hands together in a business-like fashion.

Okay, Question 2: During your illness, were you prevented from leaving the house

I wouldn’t say ’prevented’ per se, more ‘disinclined’

It’s Yes/No Sam.

In that case, ‘No’.

He ticks yes.

Question 3: Is this illness likely to re-occur?

Almost certainly

He ticks No again.

Question 4: Were you prescribed or did you self-prescribe any medication during your sickness?

Yes.

He ticks yes.

What were they?

Massive quantities of THC to be taken regularly throughout the day and night.

He frowns for a second before writing ‘herbal painkillers’ on the sheet and for the briefest of seconds I’m really fucking proud of him - I can see that he’s really starting to get into the spirit of things.

Question 5: are you currently in a fit state to work to the best of your abilities.

If I’m honest with you boss, I’ve still got a fucking raging hangover.

He writes: ‘Some residual symptoms’

Question 6: Briefly describes the symptoms leading to your absence.

I’m about to open my mouth but he silences me with a weird kind of chopping gesture that causes me to smirk despite myself.

before you get started, I’m just going to write ‘nausea and headache’

Awwwww: Fucking LAME. Could I least have the shits. Awww come on Brian, please give me the shits.

there’s the briefest of pauses as both of us run through the last sentence in our heads and simultaneously decide never to mention it to anybody ever again.

He writes: ‘Diareah’

That’s not how you spell it mate.

He draws a line through it. And underneath writes: ‘Dirriah.

Come on man, that’s not even fucking close

Well how the fuck do you spell it then?

How the fuck would I know?

His shoulders slump with an air of resignation and he strikes that one out as well and writes underneath simply: ‘The Shits’.

Next…

Look Bri
I interrupt, Do I even have to be here? Can’t you just fill it in and give it to me later to sign?

No I can’t Sam. Anyway, would you rather be out there?

He gestures to the floor of spunk gobbling sales monkeys who are all walking around with headsets on and gesticulating wildly whilst talking bollocks to disinterested people on the phone.

Good point

Anyway, we’re pretty much done, I just need to write down what further action I’m taking.

I think you should give me a disciplinary. I’m way over the sickness percentage that the company considers acceptable. I don’t think you have any choice mate.
I put on my best Mockney Accent. It’s a fair cop guv, I’ll come quietly and no mistake.

He ticks the box that says ‘None’. and passes me the sheet to sign which I do, making sure to make my signature fucking massive so that it takes up his line as well meaning he'll have to sign over the top of my scrawl, which I know really fucking irritates him

It’s a shame we didn’t get a chance to do this more often

Yeah,
he says looking genuinely sad

Pub tonight for a final few drinks?

Sure

I shake his hand.

Good luck in your new job mate.

Cheers Sam.


Even when it's not yours, last days are fucking ace.





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Submitted by John Pike at 2012-04-11 17:17:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by therealgeddylee at 2009-07-27 02:29:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

<3Spam<3

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-03-30 09:59:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-30 01:14:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2009-03-30 01:42:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Nice to see something from Spam, it's been a while.

And Juno is a damn good movie.
---------------------------------------
Not at my at my age.

It tries to hard.

I watched Signs again last night. I love that film.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2009-03-29 22:14:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i dunno, just write cocks

Submitted by therealgeddylee at 2009-03-29 20:42:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice to see something from Spam, it's been a while.

And Juno is a damn good movie.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-03-29 17:25:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


B@W awesome...



Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-03-29 09:32:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ballare at 2009-03-29 06:29:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

shitty douche below

Submitted by TLawrence at 2009-03-29 05:49:09 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-28 18:39:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I just watched Juno. I wouldn't recommend people do this.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-28 16:58:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-03-28 16:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2


That's alotta htmlin' you dun there.

--

You know, I got it right first time too. I was well fucking proud of myself. I need to get out more.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-03-28 16:15:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


That's alotta htmlin' you dun there.

Submitted by Lib at 2009-03-28 13:25:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-03-28 12:21:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

liked it.

Submitted by AJ at 2009-03-28 11:49:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The shits.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-28 07:59:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I no longer sleep it appears, Most annoying.

Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-03-28 07:46:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That was just super.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-28 06:12:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Diarrhea.
This is a great all rounder excuse when you work with food. I it isn't accompanied by vomitting they don't send you to the doctors or ask for a stool sample to send to the lab, so no fuss there. But the best thing is you have to be clear 24/48 hours depending on severity after your last 'runny evacuation'. So you can easily have a long weekend saying you were ill sunday but need monday for clearance or ill thursday night therefore needing friday off.
Also, if you are female, your ovaries and shit give you a whole barrage of acceptable reasons you need the day off, especially if your boss is male and you cry saying your period is heavy, topped off with being dumped or something he is pratically putting your coat on for you and ushering you out the door.
Haha when I worked at one particular place I'd had a terrible row with my boyfriend that morning and arrived in floods of tears. I had to 'kill off' one of my grandads, there was no way I was telling anyone the truth and looking pathetic. Put on a really cushy job with my friend to help 'comfort me' she whispered 'this is the fourth time your grandad has died'.
Dear lord Spam, you were up late.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-03-28 05:31:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2009-03-28 02:11:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-03-28 01:33:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-27 21:42:33 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

heh.

my doctor prescribes beer as a painkiller an awful lot.

i'm not sure how comfortable i am with his competence, but his understanding and bedside manner are simply tops.
~~~~~~~~
we hev teh same doktor!

Submitted by scourge at 2009-03-28 00:42:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

heh.

my doctor prescribes beer as a painkiller an awful lot.

i'm not sure how comfortable i am with his competence, but his understanding and bedside manner are simply tops.

Submitted by Banjo at 2009-03-27 23:14:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've had one very cool boss exactly like this. Bugger off on a Friday night, stay wasted until at least Monday, eventually stumble into work and she'd never even flag me or anybody else missing. Always on holiday or flexi time or some family emergency. Of course, if she fired us, she would have had nobody to go drinking with.

I think I dissolved a good portion of nostril in that job... WHY DID I EVER LEAVE???

Submitted by Toddler at 2009-03-27 23:01:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Kinda gay and boring.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-03-27 22:48:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Massive quantities of THC to be taken regularly throughout the day and night."
~~~~~~
That is exactly what my Doctor says!

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-27 22:34:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I should really be in bed.


He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of
charging $6.95 for it.

-- Moe Syzlak
Flaming Moe's