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The road to hell is paved with samurai sword wielding potheads

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-30 16:32:31 EDT
Rating: 1.82 on 132 ratings (132 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Despite what you may think initially, there are certain advantages to living in a flat directly above KFC in the dead centre of town. When you're a ridiculously over-indulgent pothead for example, there is a level of comfort to be gained from the fact that, from your seat in the living room, the service counter is roughly the same distance away as your kitchen. Apparently, the guy living there before me developed a rather ingenious system with the owners whereby he would call in his order over the phone and throw a line of string out the window so they could tie the bag on and he could pull up his food without ever having to leave the comfort of his own home. Personally, I never took things that far and so instead choose to brave the grueling 15 second hike down the back stairs and through the little tunnel-stroke-alley that leads to the main road.

Which, somewhat conveniently, leads me to the main disadvantage to living in a flat above KFC.

Now I don't really get the deal with black guys and fried chicken to be honest, it's a stereotype that I neither understand nor really subscribe to. What I will say though, is the black guys in my particular town FUCKING LOVED their KFC. Any day, any time, you could guarantee there would be at least 8 or 9 guys congregated outside the place, smoking weed, shouting, fighting and listening to reggae music until too-early-o'clock in the morning. Sometimes when it would rain, they would take shelter in the alley leading out of my flat, and that, rather predictably, is where all of my problems arose.

Now don't get me wrong here my semi-racist buddies, I'm saying that all black guys are scum or anything inflammatory like that but THESE guys in particular, yeah, they were bad news. What's that quaint little term you Americans use - 'Gangbangers' is it? Well yeah, being middle-class and British and having a stiff upper lip and all that, I wouldn't profess to know what the fuck that paticular kind of gibberish means but if I were to try and imagine what you meant by 'gangbanger' then the mental image conjured wouldn't fall too far short of the guys that used to congregate outside my flat.

One night, about 1 am, I hear the shuffle of footsteps right outside my front door. Which is new.

Now, I've got no issues with these guys doing whatever they do out in the alley and generally, we leave each other well alone bar the odd nod of acknowledgement when I pass but there's kind of an unspoken rule: once you start coming up the stairs outside my front door, it's a fucking problem. So, stoned as I am, I decide I'm gonna go out there and have a word with them. Not 'have a word with them' in the Reggie Kray euphemistic way you understand - these guys know where I live and when I'm out the house - but just a polite chat, A "Do whatever you want in the alley but I'd really appreciate it if you stayed off the stairs please. Thanks" Kind of word. Diplomatic and polite, but firm.

Just as I'm about to open the door, I hear voices, crystal clear like I'm standing next to them, which bar a couple of inches of cheap door, I practically am.

"I swear to god bruv, if you tell anybody about dis, I'll fuckin' kill ya. I'm da only man that knows and youse the only person I'm tellin, so if anything goes missin it's your ass. Skeen?"

"Skeen."

"Word. Dis is where 'e keeps it."

Unconsciously, I'm holding my breath and I don't know why standing on the other side of the door as I am, but my heart's fucking pounding man. I hear the tell-tale scraping of brick on brick and then, just the big long Nothing of street noise and reggae bass that's the closest thing to peace that you get when you live in the city centre. I stay there for a long time weighing up my options. knowing full well, the best thing to do really, the safest and smartest thing, is just ignore it and go about my day.

But come on man - what sort of sad fucker is gonna hear a conversation like that and not check it out?

But I'm not a fucking moron so the first thing I do is resolve to find some sort of weapon in case things take a turn for the worst when I go out and investigate. I scan my living room for something suitable that I can use and it's like that scene from pulp fiction man, the first thing I see is a badminton racket, a relic from days the when I used actually used to actually try to socialize with my colleagues, but no sooner have my eyes fallen on that when I see an old golf club standing in the corner which is weird because I've never played golf in my life but the weight feels good in my hand as I give it a couple of practice swings so I know I'm onto a winner. Next thing to do is grab a torch which I keep in my bedroom so I can read a book for those frequent occasions when the electric in the meter runs out.

And that's when I find It.

Sitting underneath my bed covered in dust and all but forgotten about sits the two-foot fake ornamental samurai sword that my cousin bought me for Christmas many years ago. It's cheap and tacky and blunt as fuck, but just like Bruce, there's no fucking question of me taking anything else out with me now - I've suddenly got the image of me stepping out into the darkness, silhouetted by the bright light of my living room carrying a long, evil-ass Hatori-motherfucking-Hanzo blade, maybe with a little bit of fog swirling round my ankles - it looks cool as fuck.

Naturally when open my door, there's nobody there and the cigarette smoke in my living room hardly constitutes a fog so the grim reality of it all is that I'm just a twat in a dressing-gown awkwardly carrying something you'd struggle to spread butter with.

The sad realisation that I have to either stop smoking weed or watch fewer Kung-Fu movies is erased immediately when I notice what the two hood-rats outside my door were talking about. It's so obvious, I can't believe I never noticed it before but seriously, how often do you look at the bricks at the base of the wall opposite your front door to see which one's had the mortar scraped away so that it can be removed? I'm guessing not very. Either that or you need to get out more my friend.

At the bottom of my stairs and further on down the alley, I can still hear the murmur and shuffles of a couple of the KFC Krew hanging around and I realise that if I'm really gonna do this, it's gotta be done quickly and quietly so I'm on my knees pulling at the brick as soon as I've made my decision and before I know it, it's out and I'm elbow-deep in wall rummaging around in the cavity for whatever it is that's been stashed there. My hand touches the crinkly plastic of carrier-bag and it's retrieved, the brick's replaced and I'm back in the house and locking the door inside of 5 seconds, sweating and panting for breath even though nothing I've done so far is even close to being strenuous.

I spend a long time just staring at the bag as sits on my coffee table before I've got the balls to open it up. Its a fair size and a healthy weight and I'm thinking if it's weed then I've hit the fucking jackpot, if it's anything else, I'm in deep fucking shit because the type of people that can afford to stash away this amount of anything other than weed are not the sort of people I wanna fuck about with.

Eventually, I open up the bag and pour out the contents onto my table.

A big fucking smile spreads across my face as I stare at maybe 30 or 40 individually weighed and bagged up 3g deals of what smells like pretty high-grade skunk. For those not in the know, that'll sell individually for just shy of a grand.

But, and again as this thought enters my head I resolve to stop getting baked and watching gangster movies, it's always the greedy fuckers who get caught man - the twats that go too far and take too much. So that's why I only take out 3 bags, put the rest back in the carrier bag and stash it back behind the brick, clutching my Shiturai sword the whole time.

I then proceed to get very, very stoned.




A couple of days pass and, with the help of regular intake of free, high grade weed, the events of that night seem unreal and ethereal, like it was all a dream. People don't really 'find' thousand pound drugs stashes, hidden behind false bricks in dark alleys outside their house, do they? I'm guessing not. Either that or they need to stay in more.

But, just as I am leaving my house after going home for lunch one sunny afternoon, I hear footsteps outside my door again and freeze. And then, shit starts to get really sinister.

Over the noise of the traffic and the bubbly chatter of midafternoon shoppers I catch perhaps the most terrifying whispered conversation I've ever heard.


*shhh... keep the noise down, we don't want him to hear us*

*sorry. What are we gonna do anyway*

*get on the other side of this door, wait till he comes. and then jump out*


FUUUUCK.


Adrenaline kicks in straight away and my mind starts racing. Somehow they know, they've kept count of the baggies and noticed the shortfall, or maybe they left a tell on the brick so they know it'd been moved. Fuck, perhaps they were just standing around at the bottom of the stairs the whole time and picked it up half an hour later so they knew that anybody who took anything would've had to've been here already. It wouldn't take an Einstein to work out exactly what'd happened here.

Taking care not to make a sound, I cringingly slide open the practically useless peephole on my door and peer through to get a fly's eye view of what's going on outside. It's not good my friends. On the peripheries of the spy-hole, all twisted up and blurred out, I see two elongated black shapes moving stealthily on the landing outside. Both seem to be crouching down to avoid the spy hole but the curvature of the lens means that this is impossible and I watch as one tries to creep past doorway so that there's one on each side. The scene is all the more terrifying for how noiseless it is.

At this point, I feel it only fair to tell you that I'm a massive fucking pussy. I've no qualms about it and I make no excuses, I just can't fight. I'm a pretty big guy and all that and I'm not weak by any stretch of the imagination but fighting's just not my bag, never has been. Technically I suppose, I'm actually really proficient in this field, I earned a black-belt in karate a long while back and know all of the moves and pressure points and how and where to hit people to incapacitate them instantly and all that crap but none of that in any measure makes up for that fact that I'm scarred shitless of getting punched. The old rule says that In a fight between two normal guys, it's always the guy that doesn't give a fuck that wins and strange as it may sound, I quite like my face: I've had it a while now and I plan on keeping it the way it is.

But there comes a time in every boy's life where he's just gotta do it, prove that he's a man - have that Tyler Durden 'punch me' moment - and I guess, looking on it, this is mine: I've gotta return to work in ten minutes and there's no chance these guys are gonna get bored by then. I could call the police, but they'll just come back tomorrow. when I wouldn't be ready for them.

I take another look out the spyhole and see that they're still there now, settling in to wait however long it takes and I build my plan. I've still got the sword and they're both crouched down expecting me to just stroll out of my door none the wiser. If I burst out of the door quick enough, the shock and surprise should be enough to give me at least a second to go to work. The sword's too blunt to be anything other than a glorified club so I don't have to worry about killing anybody, it's main purpose is psychological.

So there I am, drenched in the slimy sweat of my own terror, heart pounding and hands shaking, ready to take on two hard-edged, roughneck, gangster-types. No bullshit kung-fu movie posturing here, just jump out, bang bang, job done.

Right at the last nano-second, I remember reading in an Andy McNabb book that the art of springing an ambush where you're outnumbered lies in maximum speed and maximum aggression so when I kick the door open and charge out brandishing my Craptana blade I screech at the top of my lungs as loud as possible:

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING??"

both assailants jump back immediately and I can see straight away that my plan has worked and that they're both terrified, which is cool because so am I.

Then, a couple of things start to click into place that I hadn't registered on my initial attack.

Firstly, these guys are white and wearing suits.

Secondly, they seem a little short and weedy for this sort of work.

"S--S-Sorry mister...W-W-We...."

Assailant One starts to squeak the words but he can't get them out: he's totally paralyzed by fear. His bottom lip starts to quiver and I see his eyes begin to brim with tears.

Oh yeah, that 'suit' I was talking earlier, by the way? Well that's a school uniform mate.

Fuck.

I just attacked a pair of 12 year-olds with a fucking samurai sword for playing hide-and-seek in my hallway.

I know straight away that I have to smooth this situation over before it gets out of hand but the adrenaline is still pumping through me and all of the fear I felt a second ago is now manifesting itself as anger.

"Well? What the fuck are you doing here?"

Its delivered as a shout which wasn't my intention and I realise grimly that I'm still holding this stupid ninja-spade which I promptly drop like it's red hot.

Both boys have gone fully catatonic now and just stare at me in abject terror. One lets out a whimper and I notice a small puddle beginning to form in the dust at one their feet.

Oh fucking hell. I made a twelve year old piss his pants by threatening him with a fucking sword.

"look boys," I say gently, taking a step towards them in as nonthreatening manner as I can muster.

But the movement snaps them out their trauma and in unison they take to their heels and leg it like Carl Lewis robbing a TV.


And I'm just left there on the dank landing of the entrance to my flat which now smells very strongly of fresh piss and very faintly of nice weed. thinking.



I. Just. Attacked. Two children. With a Mother Fucking Samurai Sword.



There is a special circle of hell for people like me.

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Reviews


Submitted by slate1 at 2011-05-24 11:50:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read this a while back, and have been looking for it to read again. Hilarious!!!
I would have taken the whole bag.

Submitted by overk1ll at 2011-02-23 17:32:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by IAmNotFunny at 2010-10-29 13:41:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is awesome totally kept me interested and intrigued and i'm so glad you wrote it great job bro i'll be reading your other stuff as well

Submitted by CR1981 at 2010-10-12 18:24:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Amazing, loved it!

Submitted by fiona378 at 2010-08-11 15:02:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

This is awesome! You should post a rant on http://RantFoo.com sometimes.

Submitted by cheezmonkey at 2010-05-26 12:19:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've already said it in another post, but this is, hands down, the best uber post I have ever read. And I have been around a lot longer than my account.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-04-21 15:03:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FFS,
Pheely shows up and before you know it there is a bandwagon on a retired B@W. Heatwhore!

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2010-04-21 14:56:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ARIGATO!

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-04-21 14:56:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


: )

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-21 14:21:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Rating this less than a 2 is idiotic

:D

Submitted by Kyala6 at 2010-04-21 14:14:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2010-03-15 18:00:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Deidra at 2009-07-09 17:46:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-06-03 10:19:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Spam, you are me and I am you.

1) Stoner
2) Pussy - big lad, but afraid of being hit. (I also have a fear that if I punch someone it won't hurt them, even though i can punch an inanimate object pretty hard, and can do damage with fighting gloves on - wierd) - i'm a skinhead, with tattoos, who likes his face and is afraid of being hit. jeebus.
3) Black Belt, Karate - while back
4) Loves KFC (or any food I can buy through my car window)

However, I am a greedy fuck and would have taken the whole bag, took some time off work and smoked it in about 4 days.

Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow at 2009-05-31 23:40:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

PURE AWESOME!

Submitted by Spam at 2009-05-14 08:39:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

if you re-rate posts with a TLawrence rating, his rating dissapears.

Submitted by netimportant at 2009-05-12 00:47:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I went running the other day and some crazy lady stopped me, rambling about how the Latin Kings have invaded our neighborhood. I said, "Where do I sign up for the gangbang?"

Submitted by TLawrence at 2009-05-12 00:04:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

f

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2009-05-11 23:27:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2



Submitted by Lib at 2009-04-24 17:46:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was gone.

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-04-21 16:17:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pandora at 2009-04-15 21:21:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by angerfluctuate at 2009-04-14 20:39:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

So you never got in trouble for stealing that weed then?

Submitted by Tigre at 2009-04-08 13:09:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would have kept the entire bag of pot.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-06 08:31:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This does have a lot of hits though. It seems so unfair when my quality posting slips under the radar everytime.
I am so ignored on this site.

*sighs*

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-06 08:28:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-06 13:08:33 BST (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-06 05:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

this has way too many hits.

--

fuck you AND your zeros.
------------
In your dreams, squinty.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-06 05:26:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-06 05:18:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

this has way too many hits.

Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-04-05 14:16:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You would be my hero if you didn't feel bad about doing this.

Submitted by forthewin at 2009-04-05 13:32:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Aaaaaahahaha, wow, this was hilarious.

Submitted by deathmobile at 2009-04-04 11:52:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-04-04 00:42:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This post sucks and so does your mom.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-04-04 00:14:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Congrats!



Submitted by messmind at 2009-04-03 15:35:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

almost 39k. Great score, dude!

Submitted by HeyJude at 2009-04-03 13:31:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is super!

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-03 11:20:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

no seriously. I am. Trust me.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-02 18:18:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-02 20:52:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Hattori Hanzo FTW.

Congrats B@W and all that shite.

We should get drunk together and find some nuns to intimidate.

--

Nah man, nuns are fucking scary. Who knows what they keep under those habits.

------

Samurai swords, most likely. And porn mags. I know what those rosary beads are REALLY for.

---

Fuck it, we could probably take them. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-04-02 17:18:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-02 20:52:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Hattori Hanzo FTW.

Congrats B@W and all that shite.

We should get drunk together and find some nuns to intimidate.

--

Nah man, nuns are fucking scary. Who knows what they keep under those habits.

------

Samurai swords, most likely. And porn mags. I know what those rosary beads are REALLY for.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-02 15:52:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Hattori Hanzo FTW.

Congrats B@W and all that shite.

We should get drunk together and find some nuns to intimidate.

--

Nah man, nuns are fucking scary. Who knows what they keep under those habits.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-04-02 15:14:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hattori Hanzo FTW.

Congrats B@W and all that shite.

We should get drunk together and find some nuns to intimidate.

Submitted by experima at 2009-04-02 14:53:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-02 13:30:02 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

:(

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-02 13:26:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-02 13:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

This totally retal.
eat me

--

I would but I'd probably get hit in the face by a foetus.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-02 13:13:05 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

people with down's don't drool, wanker

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-02 13:00:56 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This totally retal.
eat me

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-02 12:43:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2009-04-02 08:36:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ubersite is fusing into reddit.

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-04-02 00:26:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oopsie woopsie

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-04-02 00:26:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

11k hits? Outrageious!

</bitter curmudgeon>

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 22:15:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

well im outta THE RUNNING, those three old men just bombed the shit outta my post
I concede the win to you Spam.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2009-04-01 15:13:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-04-01 13:54:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I almost didn't read this as I've decided to stop smoking for a while, and the title instantaneously made me miss getting stoned and watching Samurai Champloo.

I've had retarded moments of stoned bravery, but nothing this hilarious so I'll spare you.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 13:36:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Spam...sorry for clogging up your post with my strange string of reviews but I had meant to reply to Sico's comment to me on another post...I accidentally put it on THIS post and got very confused (as happens on occasion, being blonde and all) and kept failing and eventually gave up.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-01 13:33:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I have no idea whats going on here.

Submitted by messmind at 2009-04-01 13:16:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YEAH!

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 13:07:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sigh

Fail.

Ignore me.

I'll kill you, Sico.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 13:04:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The comment below was meant for Spam's post, my bad.

Yeah, I caught it up until they took a break right before the Saget interview. I love Bob Saget...he's fucking hilarious! I was shocked the first time I heard his stuff...I think it was when he was on Chappelle's Show!

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 13:01:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No sweetheart, I know how to put people to BED.

AND put them to rest. Eternally. Want me to prove it? You won't feel a thing, promise.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-04-01 12:59:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

STUPID CUNT BELOW.

BACK ON TOP OF THE WEEK!

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 12:48:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

STFU and stop telling me how to live my life, Sico.


Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-04-01 12:45:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I can't for the life of me find why Sage thinks it's important to reply that she may response via her blackberry or regular email. That is a fine example of pointlessness and an unnecessary review that absolutely no one cares about so please, do us all a favor and refrain from doing that again.

Thanks, bimbo.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 12:44:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

well played spam, well played.

looks like you have nosed ahead this round. Sico has ruined this victory for me.

Im so sad I wanna go put on a Morrisey record....

wait, NO ONE is that sad.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 12:26:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Gmail is giving me issues.... "Page Load Error". I may reply to you via my BlackBerry. Just letting you know I got the email there, but can't access it online.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-01 12:18:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-01 12:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Its astrasoleil.at.gmail.com

:)

--

done.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-04-01 12:16:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Honest mistake, my friend. Don't beat yourself up.

And please don't feel the need to pussyfoot around the whole black people and fried chicken issue. We're all adults here (with a few less-than-notable exceptions).

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 12:06:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Its astrasoleil.at.gmail.com

:)

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-01 12:04:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sounds intresting - give me yours and I shall e-mail you. Mine has my full name on it and I'm not too enamoured with the idea of posting that here.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-01 12:02:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sage Rage


Spam...what is your email? I have to ask you a question.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 12:00:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I just noticed that if Sico hadn't -2ed me for a stupid reason then my posts rating would be much better!!! ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGGG

*rages*

RATINGS MATTER SO MUCH TO ME! GODDAMMIT THEY ARE MY LIFE.

Your post is way better though

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 11:53:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I tried to push it over mine, sorry Spam.

and thanks for the compliment, everyone loved my post, I dont see why sico has such a problem with it.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 11:52:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
+++++++++++++++++++++++++22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

HADOOOOOO KIN!!!!

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 11:51:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Tick

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-01 11:51:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Bomb

Tick

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-04-01 09:49:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not my favorite of yours but it's okay.

Submitted by CrapWeed at 2009-04-01 07:32:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny AND entertaining. Nice.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-03-31 23:32:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read this earlier - you're very funny. The living above the KFC bit reminded me of How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-03-31 22:13:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I don't know what took me so long to read this - but holy fuck it was awesome.

This:

"And that's when I find It.

Sitting underneath my bed covered in dust and all but forgotten about sits the two-foot fake ornamental samurai sword that my cousin bought me for Christmas many years ago. It's cheap and tacky and blunt as fuck, but just like Bruce, there's no fucking question of me taking anything else out with me now - I've suddenly got the image of me stepping out into the darkness, silhouetted by the bright light of my living room carrying a long, evil-ass Hatori-motherfucking-Hanzo blade, maybe with a little bit of fog swirling round my ankles - it looks cool as fuck.

Naturally when open my door, there's nobody there and the cigarette smoke in my living room hardly constitutes a fog so the grim reality of it all is that I'm just a twat in a dressing-gown awkwardly carrying something you'd struggle to spread butter with."

...in particular was pure gold.

You = da man.

Submitted by Porcelain at 2009-03-31 20:05:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Blatant, active annoyance of all things American aside, I rather liked this. You write well, Spam.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-03-31 18:50:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i had no idea you were a racist, spam.

think you can slip that shit by...

for shame.

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-03-31 17:49:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-03-31 12:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-03-31 11:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

That was probably one of my top 5 posts I've read on Uber in the last 3yrs. Nice work.

"Now don't get me wrong here my semi-racist buddies, I'm saying that all black guys are scum or anything inflammatory like that but THESE guys in particular, yeah, they were bad news."

Oh my how a typo can change the meaning of a sentence!

---

I know!! How fucked is it that it's THIS of all my posts that makes B@W so now 30K+ people will read this....

------------------------

30K? Pfft, maybe 14k. B@W doesn't have the juice it once had.
</curmudgeon>

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-03-31 16:37:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A_D below.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2009-03-31 15:08:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh god yes!

Submitted by BubbaEarl at 2009-03-31 14:49:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-03-31 02:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Instead of writing great posts why don't you be a real writer like kaos_king and just complain about how Uber used to be good and now it's just full of trolls and ass-kissers?
===============
hahahahaha

congrats on b@w - well played.

Submitted by indoninja at 2009-03-31 14:00:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-31 12:24:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-03-31 11:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

That was probably one of my top 5 posts I've read on Uber in the last 3yrs. Nice work.

"Now don't get me wrong here my semi-racist buddies, I'm saying that all black guys are scum or anything inflammatory like that but THESE guys in particular, yeah, they were bad news."

Oh my how a typo can change the meaning of a sentence!

---

I know!! How fucked is it that it's THIS of all my posts that makes B@W so now 30K+ people will read this and think I'm some sort of racist vigilante ninja.

Actually, on reflection that's kind of cool.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-03-31 11:54:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Someone nominate Darth Coffee for B@W!!!

you know as long as I have been here I still dont know how that shit works

Submitted by Sidivan at 2009-03-31 11:53:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That was probably one of my top 5 posts I've read on Uber in the last 3yrs. Nice work.

"Now don't get me wrong here my semi-racist buddies, I'm saying that all black guys are scum or anything inflammatory like that but THESE guys in particular, yeah, they were bad news."

Oh my how a typo can change the meaning of a sentence!

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-03-31 11:44:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by czwij at 2009-03-31 11:32:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm just a twat in a dressing-gown awkwardly carrying something you'd struggle to spread butter with.

perfect.
just perfect

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 11:30:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If Bart likes me - or my boobs - why does he constantly ignore my mail?

It took ages to type out my main objectives of my 'Make the use of emoticons on comments compulsory so there is no confusion as to the tone of the comment' campaign and he completely ignored it.

:( I wept for hours over that.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-03-31 11:25:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-03-31 11:15:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Mind your maners girl, I am the senior user. Besides you would be lost without me.

Bart only likes you more because you have boobs.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 11:06:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

See I am Sam!

Uh, hang on...

Anyway FALLEN (teh caps!!) how come it got on B@W like, minutes after MY email?

I will email Bart and ask who it was with the power.

And I will ask him to ban you for your insubordination!!*


*(not really)

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-31 11:03:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Told you I was spam.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-03-31 10:58:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nuh-uh
scroll down princess, I was the second review and the first B@W nominator

I have the power

I said so in my last review, in CAPITAL LETERS too.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 10:56:04 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I nominated him first FALLEN and anyway, I took over this account months ago, I am spam.
That is why I keep -2ing my own post!
I am such a card.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-03-31 10:54:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HOLY FUCK!
you did get B@W. Remember I nominated you first.
is that all it takes?
or

I HAVE TEH BORDATWERK POWERZ101010!!!

muhahahahahahahahaha

Submitted by Sage at 2009-03-31 10:32:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I did a GB on Saturday night with my roommate and I swear I felt my brain fry. I haven't smoked weed since.

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2009-03-31 09:54:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I. Just. Attacked. Two children. With a Mother Fucking Samurai Sword."

Well, technically speaking you didn't really attack them rather than threaten them.

Either way, I think they both learned a very valuable lesson from the whole incident.

Besides, mistaking two 12 year olds for hardcore street thugs is a common error. Who says pot makes you paranoid?

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-03-31 08:41:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ONe day when I grow up I wanna be SPAM

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 08:19:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Squinty eyes

Submitted by Spam at 2009-03-31 05:35:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I rock.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-03-31 04:10:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good stuff

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 03:58:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W

You bastard

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 03:38:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

LOL

Submitted by TLawrence at 2009-03-31 03:30:42 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-31 02:43:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

to get b@w it seems i need to invent a story involving drus, children, weapons and urine....

this isn't true, spam dares to say no! to all drugs. nerd

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-03-31 02:28:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The title is good enough for B@W. I'm too tired to read it.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2009-03-31 02:23:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Instead of writing great posts why don't you be a real writer like kaos_king and just complain about how Uber used to be good and now it's just full of trolls and ass-kissers?

Submitted by zzzzz at 2009-03-31 01:43:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@w

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-03-30 23:34:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

IM IN A LIBRARY. 2 funnies in one day. Uber can go away now.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-03-30 23:03:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


B@W



Submitted by darko at 2009-03-30 21:47:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-03-30 19:53:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

KFC never seems to taste as good as it smells.

Submitted by Snark at 2009-03-30 19:45:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha

Submitted by captainrads at 2009-03-30 19:34:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome story, I literally laughed my ass off. Plus, there was a Fight Club reference in there, and I love that movie. I like KFC too...and weed, weed's great.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-03-30 19:30:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Who am I to break your streak?


Super. B@W.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-03-30 19:08:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-03-30 18:47:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-03-30 18:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

by far the best thing i've read on this site in years. if i had alters, i would use all of them to +2 this. because it matters that much.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2009-03-30 18:45:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fucking awesome.

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2009-03-30 18:29:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-03-30 18:28:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

by far the best thing i've read on this site in years. if i had alters, i would use all of them to +2 this. because it matters that much.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2009-03-30 18:27:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


This was Great.

And we can now say to Merlina, "Ha-ha, you've had stinking bones in your bin!"

Which, you know, sounds kind of rude.





Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-03-30 16:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Back in the days when I was a vegetarian (from aged 9 to 30) I hated KFC because my secretary used to sit in my office when I was at lunch to get some quiet time and I'd get back and have stinking bones in my bin.

Submitted by HateMudkips at 2009-03-30 18:27:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-03-30 16:51:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 at 2009-03-30 16:50:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Had me on the edge of my seat.


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-03-30 16:49:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i have just walked past a kfc ad on the side of a bus stop on the way home from cricket and it advertises the 'boneless banquet' it looks lovely. however i wont eat kFC as im not particularly keen on chips (get me) and i shudder when i think of how the chicken is cooked.

so i had some noodles :(

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-03-30 16:46:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Back in the days when I was a vegetarian (from aged 9 to 30) I hated KFC because my secretary used to sit in my office when I was at lunch to get some quiet time and I'd get back and have stinking bones in my bin.

Still makes me shudder.

The meat looks GREY!? Why would people eat that stuff...?

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-03-30 16:45:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

excellent.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-03-30 16:42:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i smell you

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-03-30 16:41:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-03-30 16:40:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A struggle not to laugh in the office!


Oh, the guys are work are going to have a field day with this.

-- Homer Simpson
The Call of the Simpsons