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Fuck Baking.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 04:22:29 EDT
Rating: 1.69 on 62 ratings (62 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I'm really good at taking things out of cans and re-heating them.

I have tried on several occasions to use an oven but things seldom work out. Years ago a girlfriend asked me to make her a black forest cake for her birthday. I worked hard on this cake…making sure that it looked absolutely fucking perfect. Unfortunately though, I had not mixed it properly and within the chocolaty goodness lay a minefield of various sized balls of flour that had, much to my chagrin, decided not to socialize with the other ingredients. I remember watching her take a bite and on her exhale came a mouthful of white powder…followed by choking…followed by what sounded like “mruwhatthefruk?!”

In addition to this, some of the ingredients had decided to stage a takeover in the oven, and turn all things soft into all things crunchy…minus the flour which remained flour but with the balls themselves having a crunchy exterior. I think it may have been the eggs. Bastard. Fucking. Eggs.

Tonight, this same girlfriend had another birthday dinner. I decided to put the years of what she refers to as “gentle teasing” to rest and make her the ultimate birthday cake. The girl loves brownies, so I figured I would make her a cake made of brownie batter. Impossible to fuck up.

My first mistake was to use the recipe on the side of the cacao, pronounced Ka-KAY-O, container…and to double it. One would think that upon seeing that these brownies would require 4 eggs for a single batch would be an indication that doubling would be unnecessary…in hindsight it was good that I did this anyways.

3 enormous (and all different sized) cake pans were slipped into the oven moments later, with the promise of perfection in A MERE 35 minutes. I stirred the fuck out of it to make sure that none of that sneaky fucking flour was hiding at the bottom of the bowl…which I always want to spell as bowel, but that would be strange and something I haven’t even seen on the internet…you know, with flour in it...

The phone rings with 7 minutes to go…I’ve just finished cleaning up the grotesque mess I’ve made in the kitchen…like a monkey flinging shit at the walls but a person flinging random items that taste terrible on their own. 7 MINUTES TO PERFECTION. It’s her. She wants a ride home from uni as her car is in the shop. I knew I’d be doing this, but she was calling an hour early. Ummm…I say, I can pick you up in 25 minutes…I’ve just got something in the oven at the moment. Ah, she replies…want someone dead I see.

Very fucking funny.

The DARTT (dingy apple reminder timer thing) goes off! BRILLIANT I think as I skip all Betty Crocker apron and thick glove thing in hand racing to pull my PERFECT BROWNIE CAKES out of the oven.

They’re raw. Toothpick says so.

Okay no problem I think, glancing at the time and deciding that ten minutes won’t kill her. Still raw.

Glancing at the oven…willing the heat to turn the gloppy batter into excellence…up to the clock…5 minutes to make a 10 minute drive…check them again…fuck.

I didn’t know what to do. I KNOW! I’LL FUCKING CALL HER AND TELL HER I’M LATE THAT’S BLOODY BRILLIANT LAUREN YOU SMART FUCKING THING. Her cell was off.

Okay okay okay okay plan B.

I turn the oven off, put the trays onto the lowest rack, LEAVE THEM in the oven and go.
I race there, pick her up, speed her home…Paul Tracey my ass back home…and they are all fucking black.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. WAIT! SURELY IT CAN’T ALL BE BURNED.

I madly dump out the cakes, slice them in half…throw the bottom halves out…and voila! Nice fucking save.

And now icing…I look up how to make icing on the internet…put in all the ingredients and find that I am short on the actual icing sugar itself. No problem…it just won’t be as sweet. I felt pressed for time at this point because the dinner was fast approaching and did not cream the butter properly. Nor did I give what was quickly becoming Frankenstein’s Bride enough time to cool. It was okay I reasoned…the chunks of butter in the icing would just melt in…problem solved.

I stacked the brownies on top of each other…a layer of “rich icing” between each, as well as a handful of white chocolate chips. It looked like shit – needs more decoration. I heat up some dark chocolate, and not having perfected the art of the drizzle, take spoonfuls and slingshot-style fling globs of it onto the cake. Finding this sort of fun, I decided to look around and find other things to shake/throw onto the cake. I confetti style’d a fistful of coconut on top of the chocolate…did the same with some chopped nuts, and threw another handful of white chocolate chips on top.

Fucking amazing, and with time to spare.

A couple of hours later, I pull the cake out of the fridge and decide to transfer it onto an actual cake platter. I am disturbed by the fact that I can pick the entire thing up by one corner. It was kind of like one of those facsimile cakes that you see in the window that look nice but that are actually made out of plastic and styrofoam…except this weighed about 5 pounds with the consistency of a brick and I’m pretty sure I could have thrown it through a window. It was cool though, because I was sure the inside would be soft and wonderful.

Dinner is nice…there are 12 of us there, 6 whom I’d met, at the restaurant. After dinner I pull out my masterpiece and ask the waiter for a knife. He brings me a steak knife. With all eyes on me, the perfect friend, I take the knife and begin to softly cut the cake. Nothing really happens though so I start strong arming it, sneakily mind you, minus the shaking arm and grit teeth...trying to slice through. I make it through the first of three layers.

I look up and smile at everyone with a reassuring look to let them know that this taste sensation is mere seconds away. Still looking away from what I'm doing I hear a snap and the expressions change.

The cheaply made knife had broken off at the hilt.

I saw this for what it was. Obviously there was either a flaw in the knife or it was cheap to begin with.

I see the look of fear on their faces...slowly tonguing their incisors...thinking about the inevitable damage...suddenly...

the waiter appears again with a beautiful cake that someone else had purchased...PURCHASED WITHOUT ANY LOVE OR EFFORT...for her.

“OH GOOD, THE REAL CAKE!” she says.




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Reviews


Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-07 10:57:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I LOVE yorkshire pudding. Damn you.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-04-07 09:45:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I'm quite good at baking, make my own pizza dough, cakes, brownies etc.

On Sunday we were almost done cookng a roast, well I was almost done, her indoors was watching Hollyoaks.

I thought, fuck it, Yorkshire puddings (Kinda baked pastry / pancake type savoury things) so i fucked some flour, eggs and milk in a bown and mashed it about with a fork for a while, more milk, more fork bashing. fuck it that'll do.

chucked some oil in a small pizza dish robbed from Pizza hut, once spitting hot, dropped in some of the lumpy mix, left in oven.

I shit you not, they made the best MASSIVE perfect, crunchy but not hard, soft in the middle but not stodgy Yorkshire fucking puddings.

I rock at baking.

Submitted by UltraNinja at 2009-04-06 10:24:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That's humorous.

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-04-06 07:58:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

If you fuck a cake take 3 eggs, one to two cups of milk (depending on how big the cake is)and some sugar about a tablespoon, crumble the cake into a pudding dish. A pretty fine crumble, then mix it with the milk and egg mix. cook at 180 degrees celsius (dunno what it is in farenheit), when the pudding becomes pudding-ey at the touch it is ready. Serve with cream and a chocolate ganache.

The ganache is some good quality chocolate melted down, with pouring cream added to make the chocolate pourable.

Submitted by messmind at 2009-04-04 19:02:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2009-04-04 17:49:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

puff pastry cups??? i want to try that. i'm supposed to do a lamb roast this weekend. i've never made lamb before.
=============
HEY!!! If you are making a lamb roast, be absolutely sure to poke it with a fork and press down on it about a dozen times while baking! Lamb is very greasy, and you need to press the grease out of it or it will turn out like shit. Then, serve with a touch of mint jelly, and it will be orgasmic.

Hope I'm not too late. . . .

Submitted by Hadley at 2009-04-04 15:23:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-03 19:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-04-03 14:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I use my crock pot ALL the time- it's pretty much foolproof. Roasts, sides dishes, dips..it's true you just throw stuff in (often just a few ingredients) and hours later it magically appears as delicious.
-----
Ribs turn out perfectly in a crock pot too. I might have to make those next week. Gotta find the crock pot first.
===
I've been meaning to try ribs, I've never made them. Whenever you're in the market for a new crock pot, I really like the 3-in-1 with 2/4/6 qt removable crocks.
-----
I have a nice crock pot already. I just need to find it amongst all the shit I probably don't need.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2009-04-04 11:29:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fey at 2009-04-04 08:15:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's rare that I actually laugh out loud on über. Thanks.


This is my favourite cheaty-simple dessert;

1 pack Digestive Biscuits
Approx. 150g butter/baking margarine
½ litre whipped cream
Vanilla Essence/Sugar
Approx. 400g berries (I use frozen raspberries, if it's not berry season. If it's berry season, I mix either raspberries/blueberries or strawberries and björnbär)
Approx. ½ cup of sugar

You crush the digestives (put them in a plastic bag and beat the crap out of them with a rolling pin or something, lots of fun) and melt the butter. When the butter is melted, pour it in a bowl with the crushed biscuits. The mix should be wet enough that it clumps but not soaked.

Press the digestive/butter mix flat with a spatula or similar, covering the bottom the baking dish you wish to use, so that it forms a base.

Whip the cream, add vanilla to taste.

Pour cream on top of digestive base, smooth into pretty patterns with a spatula. Put the whole thing in the freezer for at least 2 hours.

When you're about 20 minutes from wanting to serve it, throw the berries into a saucepan on medium heat on the stove. If they're fresh you may need to add a tablespoon of water, if they're frozen you don't need to. When they've started to warm up, add the sugar a bit at a time, stirring constantly.

You'll end up with a warm, saucy/jammy sweet fresh berry goodness that you serve with a slice of your frozen cream cake.

Submitted by lungfish at 2009-04-03 22:34:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Okay. I've been thinking for 10 minutes or so, trying to come up with something wonderfully witty to say...you know...to make you want me in a lascivious...maybe even deranged manner...or something. It ain't happening. Sorry.

ps, this review is directed at danger_ranger, but you're cute too.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 20:51:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm totally going to try those apple tarts. They sound delicious :)

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 19:25:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like ducky.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2009-04-03 19:24:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Cooking scares the shit out of me, give me a pan and a recipe and I'm a fucking mess within minutes. Experiments in labs, on the other hand, go very smoothly. I've never understood why as I always thought the instructions for both are pretty similar. Though part of me thinks that's part of the problem...

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-04-03 19:22:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-04-03 14:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I use my crock pot ALL the time- it's pretty much foolproof. Roasts, sides dishes, dips..it's true you just throw stuff in (often just a few ingredients) and hours later it magically appears as delicious.
-----
Ribs turn out perfectly in a crock pot too. I might have to make those next week. Gotta find the crock pot first.
===
I've been meaning to try ribs, I've never made them. Whenever you're in the market for a new crock pot, I really like the 3-in-1 with 2/4/6 qt removable crocks. Aaaand that's about the most domesticated thing I've probably ever typed.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-04-03 18:37:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I remember watching her take a bite and on her exhale came a mouthful of white powder...followed by choking...followed by what sounded like "mruwhatthefruk?!"
~~~~~~~~~
You are a great friend to go to all the hassle of TRYING {heh} to bake for her birthday. Friendship RULES.
Grandmother says "It's the thought that counts".
Ducky?
I admire what you have written here.

Submitted by AJ at 2009-04-03 16:02:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha.

I hate baking.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cook for the homeless crystle :D

or meals on wheels. old people need food too.

Submitted by Crystle at 2009-04-03 15:26:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

arrrrgh... damn you all and your delicious sounding recipies.


*SHAKES FIST*


and I DO love both baking and cooking...




MUST NOT GIVE IN.....

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 15:20:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

puff pastry cups??? i want to try that. i'm supposed to do a lamb roast this weekend. i've never made lamb before.

Submitted by Hadley at 2009-04-03 14:50:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I use my crock pot ALL the time- it's pretty much foolproof. Roasts, sides dishes, dips..it's true you just throw stuff in (often just a few ingredients) and hours later it magically appears as delicious.
-----
Ribs turn out perfectly in a crock pot too. I might have to make those next week. Gotta find the crock pot first.

Submitted by Pentameter at 2009-04-03 14:23:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The thing that sucks about baking is that precision is necessary. It's too easy to fuck up and if you don't follow instructions to the letter it's going to be a disaster.

Submitted by JulsInsane at 2009-04-03 13:28:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Easiest dessert ever and everyone is always impressed. I made it up by the way.

1 box of those puff pastry cups
1 granny smith apple
1 cup of sugar (i like to use confectioners sugar bc it will melt easier)
1 stick butter
1 cup heavy whipping cream

Heat up the cups as per the instructions
Coarsely chop the apple
Heat up the butter (mind not to burn it) dump in the sugar and stir till the sugar melts into a syrup, bring down the heat a bit and dump in 1/2 cup of cream. Mix. Dump the apple bits into the pan.
Pour apple/caramel mixture into the cooked pastry cups.
Whip the remaining cream and plop a bit on top of each and serve.

I've made this for several dinner parties and everyone is fairly certain that its really complicated and impressive. Actually really easy.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-04-03 12:29:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-04-03 12:01:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 11:15:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Saccy thank you so much!

Inion - I force-fed her a bite of it before lifting it off of the plate in one piece and throwing it in a bag to go in the garbage. It was a very sad moment...cake funerals are never fun though are they? I've hosted many, though people usually look at me strangely when I start making the trumpet noises.


Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 11:05:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

so what did you do with the cake/brick?

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-04-03 10:56:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry, that's 1/2 a CUP of cocoa below.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-04-03 10:55:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Duck- you should be able to find an oven thermometer at the grocery store, in the baking aisle. You put it in and compare the actual temp to your setting so you know if it runs hot/cold.

I use my crock pot ALL the time- it's pretty much foolproof. Roasts, sides dishes, dips..it's true you just throw stuff in (often just a few ingredients) and hours later it magically appears as delicious.

Chocolate glaze

1/4 cup margarine (I suppose you could use butter)
1/2 cocoa (unsweetened)
1/2 cup powdered sugar*
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup hot water (from the tap)

1 Blend the melted margarine and cocoa
2 Stir in the sugar and vanilla
3 Stir in the water, about a tablespoon at a time, until it gets to the consistency you want (at first it might seem like a dry blob that's hard to stir and will no way make a glaze, but trust me, as you slowly add water, it will.
4 beat it until smooth.

Use it right away- you can drizzle it on a cake or muffins or probably fruit, whatever you have. I used it for a boston cream cake and it was perfect. It will set to semi-firm.

*the recipe calls for a cup of sugar- From the first time I made it I said no way, too sweet, it's going on top of something sweet already, I like dark chocolate, etc..so use more or less to your taste.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:44:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Merlina can you mail me some cupcakes? You'd prolly have to freeze them first to maintain maximum freshness. We could trade! I will mail you a brick-cake!

You must be so tempted.

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-04-03 10:36:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:35:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

non = no

ferme la bouche = shut ya mouth

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-04-03 10:34:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I adore baking.. in fact I even cook a seperate sweetner lemon drizzle cake for a friend who has diabetes.

In fact I'm off to go andmake cupcakes, right now. With...um... a raspbery cream topping I think..

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:33:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Whatever EI I'm sure other people thought that and just didn't say it. I don't have any bakers in my family. Only doctors and lawyers and heroin addicts.

On an unrelated note, can someone please teach me how to speak le francais in the next two hours as I am teaching this afternoon at a French Immersion school?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:28:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:10:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

EI - 'golden syrup' conjures images of a dehydrated man trying to take a leak.
------------
You are a complicated/shrewd/weird lady, Ducky.

My uncles a baker. He is one of the best.


Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:19:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Saccy - is this glaze something other than just heating a chunk of chocolate on the stove? I have no idea what an oven thermometer is...and have no crockpot - though I hear they're fantastic for people who like to, as ron popiel says, "set it and forget it".

Short answer is that I am interested.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-04-03 10:14:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck baking is right. I don't do it too often. It's mainly because I don't like having to wait all that time just to find out I fucked it up. This might sound silly, but do you have an oven thermometer? Until I got one, I didn't know that my oven tends to run about 25 degrees lower than I set it. Then I made a 2-layer bd cake and it was PERFECT.

There are desserts you can make without ever turning the oven on. Do you have a crockpot? You can make cakey desserts in there, too apparently (I make anything I can in the crockpot).

I also have a recipe for dark chocolate glaze that takes about 2 minutes to make and is better than icing, if you're interested.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:10:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

EI - 'golden syrup' conjures images of a dehydrated man trying to take a leak.

FG3 - I hope it goes well - they haven't started yet. I didn't know you rode, though when I think about it, you'd be my first guess as a woman who would :)

Sage - well where the hell were you yesterday when I needed you then, hmmmm?

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-03 10:01:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was quite amused by this.

Cooking is more haphazard; baking is precise. I'm much better at baking than cooking, although I'm not a bad cook. I'd rather mix ingredients together, throw them in the oven and not worry about it.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 09:54:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-04-03 09:54:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Well, I hadn't added the frosting yet.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-03 09:53:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm looking forward to not being the only 'bitch on two wheels' (so to speak) around here.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 09:53:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

im no tricker!

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-03 09:50:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yay for Ducky taking motorcycle lessons! Let us know how it went!

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 09:34:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That looks like little globs of fudge with oatmeal...not breakfast cereal. I think you're tricking.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 09:31:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://uktv.co.uk/images/standarditem/L1/513149_L1.jpg


i cant believe you dont know what conflake cakes are, dont worry ive googled a photo for you!

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 09:28:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

St_Jimmy - I KNOW RIGHT? WTF.

D_R - You're lovely. You should be surfing right now, no?

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 09:25:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

EI
What the hell is a cornflake cake?

Orphelia
Thank you! I'm writing that down and will try it next time :)

Monkeyswithguns

I have thought about classes yes, but there are so many other things I'd rather pay to learn how to do. I want my motorcycle license and am determined that I will get it this summer. That's my priority...classes wise.

FG3

It makes sense when you think about it...if you love the person you are willing to sacrifice time and effort for them, regardless of the outcome...more personal that way. It's like knitting someone a pair of socks for christmas, which takes fricking ages (well if you're me anyways).

Shlongy

That cake looks suspiciously like chicken.

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2009-04-03 09:23:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was hilarious.

B@W even.

By the way, I have a similar bowl/bowel problem. Spellcheck can't help you here.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-04-03 09:02:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Shlongy can bake, too. Here, Shlongy takes on baking a cake!

http://www.ubersite.com/m/112987

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 08:14:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's one of those things, like having a green thumb. Some people just can't do it naturally. Ever thought of taking up some classes?

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-04-03 08:09:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have always loved her and I always will

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-04-03 07:57:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Cooking the meal is art. Baking the dessert is science.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-03 07:50:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by AyeCarumba (user info) at 2009-04-03 12:20:23 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Who on earth gave you penis shaped money? =P
-------------------
you should hear where he suggested he put his penis shaped money!!

*tumbleweeds*

:(


Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-04-03 07:50:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ice cream cake, ftw.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-03 07:50:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Delightful!

I actually can bake. This doesn't mean I like to. When someone requests that I bake for them, I react like I just found out someone died.

I also have to love the person to bake for them. If not, I just go to the fucking bakery.

Strange isn't it? I like you = I'll get you something at the bakery which will be perfect because they're pros over there.

I love you = I'll bake something that will be flawed, not so pretty, and ultimately wrong in some way.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-03 07:30:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you're like lucille ball.

awesome wrapped up in cuteness.

Submitted by AyeCarumba at 2009-04-03 07:20:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Who on earth gave you penis shaped money? =P

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-03 07:17:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i would make cake for money not nice things being said.
as long as it is not penis shaped. i am tired of penises

Submitted by AyeCarumba at 2009-04-03 06:04:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Orphelia, if I said enough nice things about you would you make me a birthday cake? It's not my birthday or anything but damn do I love cake.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-03 05:07:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A little advice - all the ingredients, particularly eggs and margarine need to be at room temperature first so take them all out of the fridge and leave to one side for an hour or so.
The cruncht bits were most likely to be the fat you used. Butter is not a good idea with cakes and is best suited to pastry and biscuits (cookies). Margarine - good quality or baking margarine - is better as it gives a lighter result. It needs to be room temperature and when you cream together the fat and sugar it should be light and fluffy.
The eggs should be whisked thoroughly first and need to be fresh. If not mixed into the mixture well they will leave chewy clumps of scrambled egg.
The flour needs to be self raisng, or the equivalent for your country, but you still need to sieve it before use, and adding a quarter of a teaspoon of baking powder will help.
Make sure the oven is heated to the correct temperature and try to be light handed.

A really simple way to make black forest is to make a basic victria sponge (chocolate)
2 eggs (medium)
3oz of self raising flour
1oz of cocoa powder - not drinking choc
40z caster sugar
40z of margarine

cream the fat and sugar together, add the flour, cocoa powder and eggs a little at a time (if you add all the egg in to the fat and sugar all at once the mixture will split).
Put into two 7" round sponge tins, greased and lined.
Bake at 190 or equivalent

When cooled (it is ready when it pulls away from the sides but is springy and firm in the centre - an inserted knife will come out clean)fill. A really easy filling is tinned black cherries in syrup. drain and mix a little of the syrup with cherry liquer. Drizzle very sparingly over the sponge. Add the cherries with some whipped double cream (whipped with a little icing sugar to taste) and sieve some icing sugar and cocoa powder on top. Or flake some dark choc over.

It is what I do

Submitted by Berty at 2009-04-03 04:44:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It is like an episode of Fraiser.

Incidently, whenever you write girlfriend I think of lesbiens. All rugged up with mittens and wooly hats, ear muffs and rosy cheecks.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 04:31:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

maybe stick to cornflake cakes?


Man: You must be stupider than you look.

Homer: Stupider like a fix!

Lemon of Troy