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What is best in life?

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 09:58:27 EDT
Rating: 1.1 on 90 ratings (90 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I want to destroy someone’s life.

Yeah yeah, karma takes care of everything, and living well is the best revenge. I no longer subscribe to that line of thought.

I’ve lived well and still see those who’ve done me wrong succeeding. I’ve turned the other cheek until there’s nowhere left to turn. God has no plan to smite my enemies, or to dole out justice, and in all likelihood doesn’t care about any of us.

I’m fed up with trying to be the better person, and just getting sodomized with no lube for my kindness.

I give up on the belief in karma and good human spirit, and am determined to take out my own justice on those I feel have done me wrong, but I’m new to all this and need your help.

I have a list of around 20-30 people, not in any particular order, but they all deserve far worse than they’ve ended up with. I want to see them cry and despair. I’m finding myself agreeing more and more with Conan when he described what is best in life as “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

Unfortunately, I have no experience in this field, and could use some advice on the matter.

Has anyone here ever gone in for the kill?
How did you do it?
Did you get away with it?
What are some other plans you came up with?

Please, help me harness the hate and give me some ideas. I know you won’t fail me in this, Ubersite.







***I don't necessarily want to kill the guy, just make him regret being born.***



If only I had a bee-bot with a syringe stinger full of Ebola..jpg
If only I had a bee-bot with a syringe stinger full of Ebola..jpg


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Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2009-05-12 16:28:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-12 16:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

You know what? I come back here, after a long day of ignoring this piece of shit, hoping to find something at least mildly entertaining within the reviews to make up for the time I lost this morning, and what do I find, but more wasted time.

Fuck you, you still suck, I hope your babies are all born deformed with lemon shaped heads and herpes from when you slept with your baby-mama's sister who co-incidentally happens to be a meth-whore working at the local "Tits-N-Grits" truck stop cafe.

Get off of the internet permanently, go pick the bright white mushrooms on your lawn, and some pretty flowers shaped like slippers for puppies, or foxes or whatever, nad eat them. Eat them and die, and you die and go to hell forever and ever and ever where you'll be turned over a spit while a demon who looks eerily like Danny Devito spits on your rectum before sodomizing you with a dragon fruit.

Also, quit looking like a fat, lame, gay, but with better vision version of ilikesteak.

If I come back here, and I'm not at least entertained by my own review here, I'm sending a crack team of base-heads to your house to steal your interwebs....FOREVER.

Submitted by GodChicken at 2009-04-07 20:23:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

What you need is to get up close with him.

Grit your teeth. Smile. Seem like you are unaware of what he's doing.

Watch yourself. During this time, you need to be polished and CLEAN. You need to take the new guy under your wing. Become his mentor.

Go out on some of this travel with him, even. Once you know his contacts, take them over, one at a time. They'll respond to you because you know how to get things done faster and better than him. You may even be able to slip in a few jokes about how he sucks.

Marginalize him and nobody will take his shit seriously because he's no longer performing well enough to be considered competition.

OR:

Make friends with someone in IT. Make them set you up to be able to view his email inbox/sent items.

Jump on the customers requests before he ever can. Again, he's only as legit as his performance makes him look.




Submitted by DasHeer at 2009-04-06 13:42:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Give in to your aggressive nature boy!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-06 12:40:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-04-06 12:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Actually I think it might be frapuccino. I don't go to Starbucks very often.
-------------------------------------------------
Starbucks is to coffee what Taco Bell is to Mexican cuisine. Seriously, I just finished off some coffee from Costa Rica, just plain beans ground down with water added, and Starbucks can't touch that shit.

I learned while down there that if you buy the pre-ground coffee, you only get around 50% coffee, the other half being sugar, preservatives, floor sweepings, etc, as the big companies buy the grade "C" beans because they're cheap and there's more of them.

Maybe next year for the concerts though.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-04-06 12:32:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Actually I think it might be frapuccino. I don't go to Starbucks very often.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-04-06 12:30:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pee in their frappucinos. That will learn them.


You should have come to the Keel festival, dude. It was cold as hell but it was AWESOME. You have to come to the next one. Otherwise I will pee in your frappucino.

Submitted by johnny.b.dumb at 2009-04-05 23:42:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You have much to learn in the ways of directed hate, young one.

You should start out by asking yourself some questions:

Do I really weant to do this?

.. Important, 'cause you're going to live with the consequence long after your revenge has paled.

What do I do afterwards?

.. same as above. Revenge can't be the bee-all-end-all, unless you plan to immolate yourself

What is the one thing that is at the core of your hatred and your enemy's happiness?

.. you needn't destroy a life. Just brake it enough to make it miserable for a lifetime

What would be the optimal way to redress your wrongs?



General pointers:

-- tell noone. Especially on Uber or anywhere else.
-- a life wrecking experience often leads to early demise. If you want your subject to suffer, don't kill him
-- psychological damage is better than physical. Look at Sephen Hawking - a man with broken body but stout spirit, living & productive. Don't let your victim become stronger through adversity.
-- as a general rule, taking away the one thing an enemy lives for spoils the revenge. Make HIM spoil it & live on being his own persecutor.

Submitted by MajulCartoons at 2009-04-05 23:12:00 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

you seem like a person who has access to a gun, use it on yourself.

no artistic merit... seems like a fragment thought from a boring inner-monologue of an ordinary person... most would disregard such thoughts as nonsense... you however felt the need to share it.


Submitted by pandora at 2009-04-05 15:29:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I meant "it'd be funny..." I need coffee.


Submitted by pandora at 2009-04-05 15:14:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Conan O'Brien said that?

I always thought I'd be funny to do like Sico and trick them in an IM conversation into thinking you are a cute girl (if your target is a man), and then get them to admit embarrassing stuff and/or come on to you. Better yet if you pretend to be under age.


Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2009-04-04 11:37:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

fuck his mom.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-04-03 22:34:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-04-03 13:08:12 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0


all you'll find with this question is:

people who know, don't talk and people who talk, don't know


~~~~~~~~~~~

How true.

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-04-03 17:56:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't give up on karma

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-04-03 17:54:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

DON'T GIVE UP ON KARMA

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-04-03 16:57:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

http://www.saltlakemetals.com/Silver_Nitrate.htm?gclid=CJvavorK1ZkCFSMSagodMhyQVg 100g will be more than enough.

Buy the 99.95% pure and mix with tap water to dissolve, as you are after the light sensitivity.

No, I'm not a chemistry teacher. I actually learned this AgNO3 lore while in the US Navy, where it is used to test the Chlorine content of water. It was also used to paint the middle fingers of a guy who was passed out on the boat while we were in the Phillippines, this one time. Next day he went out again, and his middle fingers turned purple as he walked toward the bars. Not even the PI hookers would talk to him. Good times, good times.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 16:45:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

First off, I apologize if that last comment came off as rude, it probably was, and I can only explain it as being on edge and aggravated.

I've explained all I care to explain, I'm honestly just tired of thinking about it, and I'm about to leave for the weekend. I'll probably get some minor revenge against him for his fucked up actions, maybe.

It's not about my job. I have job security. I'm not worried about losing my job. It's about the principle of the matter, and ensuring that he doesn't become a larger problem down the road.

Not to mention that I can't efficiently work with someone who is being actively subversive.

I've heard a couple of complaints of "man up." That's not going to happen. Manning up involves direct confrontation, which is just throwing fuel on the fire, which would just make things more difficult.

My actual response will likely be more along the lines of I'll make his life hell, in a way which he can't actually prove it was me, until he quits. It's what he's trying to do to me, and it's what he'll get in return.

Let the punishment fit the crime, blah, blah, blah.
Over and out.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 16:37:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-04-03 16:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Sure, there's plenty of back-stabbing and shit-talking where I work, but it's typical in any office. The trick is not to get worked up about it. Unsubstantiated claims are not enough to get anyone fired, and if they are, is it really somewhere you want to be working in the first place?
--------

sometimes "substantiated" claims only take another person that doesn't like you to lie. "want to be working" isn't as important as need to be working, especially now. getting fired is a knife to your gut for a lot of people. maybe you can risk it, and i'm not saying revenge is necessarily the way to go, but to be so naive as to think false bullshit isn't enough to get someone fired is something you should wake up to. on top of the fact that right now most jobs are irreplaceable just because of the stupid high unemployment rate, being on the safe side is a good idea.

Submitted by AJ at 2009-04-03 16:23:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:09:12 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-04-03 16:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Sounds to me like you're the one that works for some sort of heartless corporation. Maybe if you explained the situation a little more, we could see just what it is that has you so worked up- that for some reason you can't refute to your bosses.
--------

what kind of magical candy land office do you work in? i have an office of 8 people and they're STILL trying to stab each other in the back AND THERE'S NO JOB COMPETITION.

****

Sure, there's plenty of back-stabbing and shit-talking where I work, but it's typical in any office. The trick is not to get worked up about it. Unsubstantiated claims are not enough to get anyone fired, and if they are, is it really somewhere you want to be working in the first place?

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 16:13:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And NOW I'm thinkin' Arbys.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 16:11:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MWG, I have been thinking a little more on your "focus" problem. In addition to writing this shit down, maybe you need a new soundtrack on your iPod. Maybe it will keep the feelings "fresh" enough for you to move forward. I'm thinkin:

Murder by Numbers – The Police
How I could just kill a man – Cypress Hill
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – AC/DC
Violence Fetish – Disturbed
The last assassin – Cypress Hill


Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 16:09:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-04-03 16:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Sounds to me like you're the one that works for some sort of heartless corporation. Maybe if you explained the situation a little more, we could see just what it is that has you so worked up- that for some reason you can't refute to your bosses.
--------

what kind of magical candy land office do you work in? i have an office of 8 people and they're STILL trying to stab each other in the back AND THERE'S NO JOB COMPETITION.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-04-03 16:08:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


all you'll find with this question is:

people who know, don't talk and people who talk, don't know


Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 16:06:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Honestly, MWG, some of these fine folks just don't get it.

Submitted by AJ at 2009-04-03 16:05:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sounds to me like you're the one that works for some sort of heartless corporation. Maybe if you explained the situation a little more, we could see just what it is that has you so worked up- that for some reason you can't refute to your bosses.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 16:02:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you didn't do anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about.
==========================================================

Do you work at Pizza Hut?

Submitted by AJ at 2009-04-03 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

So some guy is trying to snake your job, and you want to ruin his life?

If you didn't do anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. Stop playing into your own fears, be a man, and confront him about it. Revenge is fucking stupid.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 15:39:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

if he likes you he may be less likely to stab you in the back. but if he does, you may pick up dirt on him that you can use if he continues being a douche.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 15:22:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

but making him like you all the while pretending to trust him and like him back may lead him to not go after your job. also it might give you dirt to use in the future.
-----------------------------------------------------------

You've lost me there.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 15:18:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-04-03 14:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i like how yozz tries to talk like some ninja badass. you're not fooling anyone except the other computer jockey faggots, chief, so give it a rest.


the solution is to be a fucking man about it. take the guy out for a beer and him on his actions. stewing over shit, or secretive revenge is the opposite of manning up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think your advice would help my situation at all. "Manning up" might work great when you have some power over the other individual, say....if you were a foreman on a construction site, but when you're on nearly equal standing and revealing your awareness and intentions might compromise your already precarious situation it's just a worthless gamble.

"Manning up" also only works if the other person has any moral integrity, which as I've stated is absent in this case.
---------

but making him like you all the while pretending to trust him and like him back may lead him to not go after your job. also it might give you dirt to use in the future.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 15:12:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-04-03 14:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i like how yozz tries to talk like some ninja badass. you're not fooling anyone except the other computer jockey faggots, chief, so give it a rest.
-------------------------
Not ninjitsu, Muddy.

http://www.seidokan.org/

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 15:03:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-04-03 14:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i like how yozz tries to talk like some ninja badass. you're not fooling anyone except the other computer jockey faggots, chief, so give it a rest.


the solution is to be a fucking man about it. take the guy out for a beer and him on his actions. stewing over shit, or secretive revenge is the opposite of manning up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think your advice would help my situation at all. "Manning up" might work great when you have some power over the other individual, say....if you were a foreman on a construction site, but when you're on nearly equal standing and revealing your awareness and intentions might compromise your already precarious situation it's just a worthless gamble.

"Manning up" also only works if the other person has any moral integrity, which as I've stated is absent in this case.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-04-03 15:03:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-03 11:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

a half wrapped tuna sandwich under the seat is a good time release stink.


Yeah, ask if you can ride with him to get some lunch and accidently deposit it under the passenger seat. should be especially effective as it gets warmer.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-04-03 14:55:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?
------------------------------------------

Sage advice and true, but alas it's already been attempted and failed miserably. I'm REALLY not a revenge or hard feelings type of person, which is why I'm taking this all the more seriously.

Yozz, he's a coworker, in my office as we speak, yet he's on the road 4 days/week. His crime is going above my head, and reporting bad behavior on my part that never happened to my superiors, in an obvious attempt to take my job.

I have his home address, personal home phone, personal email address, know he's married, no kids, late 30's, early 40's. He lives around 4 hours away in South Georgia, in the boondocks. He's overweight, and as he's new and has yet to make a major mistake, he's the boss-man's shining star. I want to tarnish that star, and hopefully eliminate him entirely.

The guy seriously is one of those "Shark" types that is hell-bent on getting the good job without working his way up through the muck. I believe it has to do with the fact that I'm younger and he feels that his age "superiority" entitles him to a higher paying and better job in the office.

He's devious, and does nothing overt, or obvious, it's all the sly, slick, corporate assassination type of bullshit that occurs in offices everywhere. Does that help?





that makes it easy.

find a communication he's signed or some communication with his name on it that can easily be construed as being from him to your boss. Shit in the boss man's desk drawer and place said communication on top of said shit.


If it's a memo that has that stupid thing on top "from the desk of ________" you get bonus points.

Submitted by MudWhistle at 2009-04-03 14:27:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i like how yozz tries to talk like some ninja badass. you're not fooling anyone except the other computer jockey faggots, chief, so give it a rest.


the solution is to be a fucking man about it. take the guy out for a beer and him on his actions. stewing over shit, or secretive revenge is the opposite of manning up.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2009-04-03 13:12:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-04-03 11:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

maybe there is karma and you are it.

burn his trailer down.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 13:05:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-03 12:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Time delay fun:

---------------------

You're a chemistry teacher aren't you? That seems to be the best plan for the moment. Where would I find the silver nitrate, and do you have any idea how much it typically costs?

Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-04-03 13:04:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

set their house on fire. that's always good for a laugh!

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-03 12:37:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

stop smoking weed you hippy.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-04-03 12:31:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Time delay fun:

Have a stamp made that reads "Fuck You!". Get a quantity of Silver Nitrate from a chemical supplier. Steal the guy's business cards. Under incandescent light and wearing gloves, stamp a bunch of his business cards with the stamp dipped into the colorless Silver Nitrate. Place the stamped cards in the box near the front and replace the cards in his desk. He will hand out the cards. On exposure to UV rays from sunlight or (more slowly) fluorescent light, the Silver Nitrate will react and turn a rich purple.

Also good for finding out who's stealing your lunch in the office.

Note: if Silver Nitrate gets on your skin it must grow off, so painting the tops of the keys on his keyboard, the ear and mothpieces of his office 'phone, all his pens, and the nosepieces of his sunglasses with the stuff may be taking it a bit far. May, I say.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-04-03 12:30:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-04-03 12:05:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

could read my survivor series.... lots of ideas on how to off people in there. Linkpimp: http://www.ubersite.com/u/Brdn_Nkd/l/the_survivor

Submitted by TLawrence at 2009-04-03 12:04:54 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 11:53:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-03 11:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Yozz, the cameras aren't a problem, but I've discovered a problem in your plan, in that he's only here once a week, so it would be obvious that someone from here had done it to him.

I need some form of a time-delay mechanism, somewhat like Skrap's idea, where it wouldn't kick in until a later point in time.

------

you don't have friends willing to help? you said you had his address. you've got to know one person that likes doing shit like this.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 11:51:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Goddamnit I hate being such a chill person. My hate is already subsiding.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 11:50:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

maybe there is karma and you are it.

burn his trailer down.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-04-03 11:47:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

OK. In that case...

Wait until Christmastime. Dress up as Santa Claus, get a big icicle, and stab him in the junk with it while yelling "I've always hated you, you little shit!" with all the sincerity you apparently have for that phrase as it applies to that guy.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-04-03 11:43:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

a half wrapped tuna sandwich under the seat is a good time release stink.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-04-03 11:42:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

new guy backstabber hmmmm.

the reputation of people like him always ruins their plans. document everything and stir shit with everyone else, he's not doing this to just you.
He may want your job, but his nature is to screw over everyone too. Make sure coworkers dont overlook his BS.
quiet poison will end your problem but leave your reputation untarnished.


Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 11:26:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yozz, the cameras aren't a problem, but I've discovered a problem in your plan, in that he's only here once a week, so it would be obvious that someone from here had done it to him.

I need some form of a time-delay mechanism, somewhat like Skrap's idea, where it wouldn't kick in until a later point in time.

I'm currently thinking of the possibility of something which would only smell as it ages, like milk or something.

Squirt it (heavily) on his rear seats, and a few days later as it ferments the stench is wretched.

Submitted by sandmantate at 2009-04-03 11:24:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like monkeys. Love 'em, in fact. I think that they are little people. Nothing brings me joy like seeing a monkey smoke and/or drink. If I had money, I'd have a monkey; I'd let him smoke and drink and gamble and womanize, and he would be my best friend.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 11:23:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Glad to help. But remember - check for cameras first. Dress appropriately - hoodie, sunglasses, etc. Practice. You want to be able to do it IN STRIDE. Slow your walk, extend syringe, shoot, keep walking. You fumbling around his car will not help you.


Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 11:19:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-03 11:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

what was his sin against you?
crime=punishment and all that
------------------------------------
check the reviews.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 11:18:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-03 11:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

OH! Skrap's idea reminded me of one of my own little "get backs" that might work here. He's "on the road" 4 days a week. Hopefully, that is meant literally - he is a CAR 4 days a week.

The simplicity of this will make you giggle like a schoolgirl. Go to a sports store and buy deer urine. Put said urine in a syringe. Inject said urine into his car through the window seal.

Yummy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think we have a winner. Yozz, you are dependable as always. I think it'll take more than that to balance things out "karmically", but that's close enough to give me satisfaction, and like I said, I'm not a good hater, I just want to feel some sense of justice for once.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-04-03 11:18:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

what was his sin against you?
crime=punishment and all that

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 11:14:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Skrap, that +2 is for your ideas, unfortunately he drives a company vehicle, so it wouldn't bother him at all. It'd just mean he'd have a few hours of paid sitting on his ass while he waited to get the tires repaired.

Great idea though, I especially like the fact that it evaporates and thus leaves no evidence.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-04-03 11:14:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i've lost faith in karma too. unfortunately that didn't give me any better luck in revenge. good luck with your "doom up on thee" plans.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 11:12:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OH! Skrap's idea reminded me of one of my own little "get backs" that might work here. He's "on the road" 4 days a week. Hopefully, that is meant literally - he is a CAR 4 days a week.

The simplicity of this will make you giggle like a schoolgirl. Go to a sports store and buy deer urine. Put said urine in a syringe. Inject said urine into his car through the window seal.

Yummy.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-04-03 11:12:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you should define "Sublime" for the mouth breathers.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-04-03 11:09:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Go to a decent grocery store or fish market and buy a four one-pound blocks of dry ice in a cooler. Find the guy's car and place one block of dry ice on top of each tire. The extreme cold will damage the rubber and the tires will fail shortly just sitting there or on the first few rotations. Four flat tires, ba-bing. The dry ice will sublimate leaving no trace of the cause (other than the video surveillance camera images, of course). Repeat monthly until you feel better or you get caught and beaten/prosecuted/beaten then prosecuted.

Other fun vehicle-related uses for dry ice:
Place a container of it with a small opening near the engine's air intake - car runs like crap if at all until the stuff sublimates.
Place a chunk of it on the door handle shortly before it's used to open the door - fingers stick like a tongue on a flagpole in winter.

Science is fun!


Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-04-03 11:08:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

CANCER
OF
THE
DICK

beware my angry brother
beware!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 11:06:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

For everyone clamoring about karma and karmic backlash: As I said at the beginning, I'm giving up on it. It doesn't work, and I no longer am willing to put faith into the system.

Even if it did, after all I've done to help others with no thought of reward or thanks, I think I've built up a pretty good stockpile of good karma to balance things out.

In addition to that, who's to say that I'm not karma in action, and that my current vendetta against this person isn't simply the back-swing of the karmic pendulum?

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

he's a coworker, in my office as we speak, yet he's on the road 4 days/week. His crime is going above my head, and reporting bad behavior on my part that never happened to my superiors, in an obvious attempt to take my job.

I have his home address, personal home phone, personal email address, know he's married, no kids, late 30's, early 40's. He lives around 4 hours away in South Georgia, in the boondocks. He's overweight, and as he's new and has yet to make a major mistake, he's the boss-man's shining star. I want to tarnish that star, and hopefully eliminate him entirely.

The guy seriously is one of those "Shark" types that is hell-bent on getting the good job without working his way up through the muck. I believe it has to do with the fact that I'm younger and he feels that his age "superiority" entitles him to a higher paying and better job in the office.

He's devious, and does nothing overt, or obvious, it's all the sly, slick, corporate assassination type of bullshit that occurs in offices everywhere. Does that help?
-------------------------------
I understand you want humiliation over physical pain, but the penalty for fucking with your livelihood, in my book, is several dislocated joints and at least 3 teeth. But hey - that's me.

Anyhoo - off the top of my head, I think A) you know when he is travelling (i.e., he is not with other co-workers or wife) and B) Photoshop. Use the computers at your local public library to build a facebook page or some other internet social network site and photoshop him into as many incriminating poses as you can. MAKE SURE that all of the dates/times coincide with times that he is "out-of-pocket" and cannot possibly come up with an alibi. Once it all looks nice and pretty, leak the information to co-workers in a way that it can't get back to you.

Two points to remember. One, You may need to take some pictures of him without him knowing - to make sure that when his wife sees the pictures, she'll say THAT'S THE FUCKING TIE I GAVE YOU FOR CHRISTMAS DON'T TELL ME THATS NOT YOU!!!!!. Two, you will need some material to post once your co-workers start checking the site on a regular basis.

Like I said - thats off the top of my head. I'll keep on it.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 10:42:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

NOW, we're getting somewhere. That's juicy. I must ponder....

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:38:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

you know, duckys right. move on.


personally i think you are angry with yourself


yeah i said it

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-03 10:38:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

someone may have already said this but...

wasn't this question posed to Conan the Barbarian?

"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you and enjoy the da subjegation of deah women"

not sure if thats right but whatever.


Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-04-03 10:38:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

“The divine wrath is slow indeed in vengeance, but it makes up for its tardiness by the severity of the punishment”


let it go.

I spent years advising others of when they were in danger of negative karma due to their actions.
a few years back I became outraged at my half brothers ass-hatted comments about my (not his) father dying.

Ignoring my own better judgement I cried out to the cosmos for vengence.

he came down with cancer
of the dick

OF THE DICK!!!

he faced the real possibility of having to have it removed.
his DICK.
REMOVED
he recovered.

But the guilt and karmic backlash I suffered was not worth it.

let it go.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 10:38:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?
------------------------------------------

Sage advice and true, but alas it's already been attempted and failed miserably. I'm REALLY not a revenge or hard feelings type of person, which is why I'm taking this all the more seriously.

Yozz, he's a coworker, in my office as we speak, yet he's on the road 4 days/week. His crime is going above my head, and reporting bad behavior on my part that never happened to my superiors, in an obvious attempt to take my job.

I have his home address, personal home phone, personal email address, know he's married, no kids, late 30's, early 40's. He lives around 4 hours away in South Georgia, in the boondocks. He's overweight, and as he's new and has yet to make a major mistake, he's the boss-man's shining star. I want to tarnish that star, and hopefully eliminate him entirely.

The guy seriously is one of those "Shark" types that is hell-bent on getting the good job without working his way up through the muck. I believe it has to do with the fact that I'm younger and he feels that his age "superiority" entitles him to a higher paying and better job in the office.

He's devious, and does nothing overt, or obvious, it's all the sly, slick, corporate assassination type of bullshit that occurs in offices everywhere. Does that help?


Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:37:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think you'll find that whatever you choose to do though, will end up just making you feel like a douche.

When I'm upset with someone I think about why I am wasting my time thinking about them, when they're probably not wasting theirs thinking of me. Then I stop and get on with my life.

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2009-04-03 10:36:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"I want to destroy someone's life."

It doesn't seem like this would really be all that hard. You could steal his identity and wreck financials/credit score. I've heard it can take years and years and a tremendous amount of work to fix the damage an identity theif can inflect in a matter of weeks.

You could publicly accuse him of a horrible crime that requires little to no evidence to back up your accusations (ie sex crimes, child rape, etc.) To even be accused of some crimes can cause ruin, even if you're ultimately found innocent in court.

Yozz's idea of breaking his knees (or otherwise crippling him) may also work, although physical difficulties may just test his mental fortitude. Some people really shine after their confined to a wheelchair (see Larry Flynt).

I guess it depends what this person did to you. In order to "destroy someone's life", you must be willing to expose yourself to negative ramifications. Any of the above suggestions are all felonies and (if you're caught), could land you in prison for a long time. So, I suppose to suggest an appropriate risk level for you to take, we do need to know the specific wrong(s) done to you.

Unless this guy just takes the last of the coffee from the breakroom and steals your idea at work and you're just trying to blow off steam here. Then I'd suggest you knock him unconscious and stick him up goatse's butt. That'd ruin anybody for sure. Unless he's into that sort of thing.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:30:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh oh once i pissed on my housemates toothbrush




hehe

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:30:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Mail them a box of dead rats? Key their vehicles? Flaming poop on the doorstep? Something Seinfeld like...telling them something of theirs has been dipped in the toilet? Setting up a sprinkler to go off on them as they get in their vehicles? Steal their women/men? Tell their women/men terrible things about them? Invite them over for dinner and be creative with what you feed them to make them ill? If they work in sales, call them with a big purchase request and at the last minute tell them to go and fuck themselves? Create a fake petition to have them removed from the neighborhood for some bullshit reason and leave it in their mailbox?

I have a friend who used to work as a secretary for someone she despised, and everytime he left the office she'd go in and fart on his desk. Satisfying only to her, but it would make her day.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:29:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i think i can safely say that karma is bullshit

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-04-03 10:27:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

DON'T GIVE UP ON KARMA

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:26:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-03 15:19:59 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Perhaps then, EI, you should exact your revenge in some ice cream or fro-yo instead of macaroni and cheese.
-----------------
A wise man learns from his mistakes, I may have crippled Berty, now I intend to finish the job. Or feed him ice cream till they grow back to full health.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-04-03 10:26:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-03 10:19:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Perhaps then, EI, you should exact your revenge in some ice cream or fro-yo instead of macaroni and cheese.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 10:19:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Also, you are going to need to give us a little more detail. Pick the one at the top of the list and give us a description. Co-worker, ex-girlfriend, neighbor. Fat, skinny, no muscle tone, looks like Oathmeal, etc.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:18:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

revenge is a dish best served cold










like ice cream or frozen yoghurt

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 10:17:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I've never gone in for the kill. I would recommend watching Old Boy if you want some serious revenge.
--------------------------------------------------

I've seen and considered it, but the punishment doesn't fit the crime. I want a practical, low-scale method of revenge which will make him rue the day. I don't know what that means, but I hear it often when people speak of revenge.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-03 10:16:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Also, "The Count of Monte Cristo" is one of my favorites.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-03 10:16:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

A good revenge movie is "Dirty Work".

I love Norm McDonald.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 10:16:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-03 10:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Yozz, the problem is that in my rage, I lose the capacity for planning, and if I wait until I'm calm enough to plan, I've lost the rage to do it.

Thus I'm calling for help from people who can think maliciously with a calm frame of mind.
----------------------------------------------
OK, that's a problem - but we can figure it out. First, you need to stop smoking dope - its strips the hate right out of you. Second, maybe you need to write it down. That way, when you are sitting there thinking "Ah, why bother - I'll just be a better human being than they are", you can read your notes and get pissed off again. It'll keep you focused.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-04-03 10:15:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've never gone in for the kill. I would recommend watching Old Boy if you want some serious revenge.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-04-03 10:11:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just get a bit tipsy, run over a guy in your car, and hire a good legal team. It works for pro sports players so why not you? I mean, he did jump out in front of your car after all.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-03 10:10:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yozz, the problem is that in my rage, I lose the capacity for planning, and if I wait until I'm calm enough to plan, I've lost the rage to do it.

Thus I'm calling for help from people who can think maliciously with a calm frame of mind.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-03 10:09:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Effective revenge-exacting is born of patience, thought, and opportunity.

Personally, I rely on karma. I once read that bitter grudges are akin to you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Submitted by X54 at 2009-04-03 10:09:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha ha filename!

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women." One of my favorite quotes of all time. (I also like, "If you were worthy of my help you wouldn't need it." That's what I always tell panhandlers.)

But it's generally much easier to crush the less fortunate than the successful. Take your frustrations out on the losers of the world, instead.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 10:08:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

For example, it could be simply lying in wait for someone to break his/her knees. If you spend ALOT of time studying their habits, you can find the perfect place to wait for them. He/She (and I don't mean a tranny) WILL show if you have done your homework. As long as you see them before they see you, they never expect it and have no plan for defense. Easy Breezy Lemon Squeezy.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-03 10:08:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Has anyone here ever gone in for the kill?

When Berty was younger he ate a beetle. The beetle scuttled down his throat without meeting his death, ending up secreted in bertys belly. The beetle slowly but surely ate away at bertys intestines befoe knawing all the muscles in his leg, leaving berty confined to a wheelchair

How did you do it? whilst berty was eating his favourite dish (macooroni cheese) i slipped the beetle into said macoroni and voila

Did you get away with it? so far so good

What are some other plans you came up with? well,one involved a monkey, 3 bananas, a jew and a box of tissues, when berty next eats macoroni cheese, i shall be in for a more seroius/long term success

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-03 10:05:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

There are two critical elements - planning and surprise. If you have both of those, you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT.


Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. Actually, I'm
bringing the plant down from the inside.

-- Homer Simpson
The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular