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My love affair with cigarettes: The Teenage Years

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-15 10:25:52 EDT
Rating: 1.71 on 150 ratings (151 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I never realised it fully at the time of course, but as soon as I took my first drag, my life became all about cigarettes.



As a 14 year old, smoking was the only thing in my life I ever did that was just for me. It seemed at that age that everything else was done just because other people wanted me to, or expected me to. Or sometimes I just did things because I wanted other people to see me doing it.

But smoking man, yeah, that was mine.

My first ever fag* was a Benson & Hedges Superking Ultralight stolen from my mum's crinkled packet left on the kitchen side where she'd smoke whilst cooking. One night, for no paticular reason I can recall, I crept downstairs, took one from the pack and slipped out the door to edge of my back yard. My hands shook as I lit up and I think even then, as I inexpertly sucked on the filter, I knew that everything after that specific moment would be different.

And fucking hell it was.

I felt free man, not in a rebellious way or anything teenage and angsty like that but just Open. To anything. It was like all of the barriers about what I should and shouldn't do that had been imposed and enforced by other people my whole life just smoldered away in a smoky haze of nicotine and tar. Nobody who loved or respected me would want me to be standing outside in my underwear in the dead of night sucking on something that would slowly kill me throughout my entire love affair with it and if any of them had the faintest clue, they'd do everything in their power to stop me. But here I was, doing it anyway. Just because I felt like it. 14 year olds don't get that kind of freedom, man.

In fact, looking back on it, 26 year olds don't get it that much either.

Nobody egged me on, watched me do it, and I didn't tell a soul about it for over 6 months. It was my moment, to be enjoyed alone, and that was that.



Later on in life, cigarettes were currency, more important than money itself because of their scarcity. Being the only 15 year old with a beard in school, it fell to me to buy fags for everybody else. With a 10% cut naturally. Young as I was, I still realised that my time as the most mature looking and unscrupulous member of the year was always going to be a temporary arrangement and so I jumped all over my advantage while it still existed. Within months I built up a miniature empire of nicotine and business was booming as every underage kid in school came to me to feed their habit. The 10% cut was thrown out the window and replaced with a sliding price scale depending on how young people looked and what their chances were of being able to source ciggies from anywhere else. Soon, I was known by all of the smokers in the entire school, sometimes even the lower years from from other schools would stop me in the street and ask me to buy packs for them, which of course, I did. For a healthy profit.

The icing on the cake came when I set up a deal with my older brother's friend Adam who worked the Tobacco counter at Kwik-Save. With our arrangement in place, I could happily order a thousand cigarettes and he would only run one ten-pack through the scanner. I would split the goods 50/50 with him in the car park after work and so get myself 500 smokes for just over a pound. That's 0.5p a cig, which I would then sell for 50p a time.

Soon, I was rolling in profit and I used money raised entirely from ciggies to purchase, among other things, my first ever console, a Super Nintendo: Street FIghter II edition. I was always Ken.

It all ended quickly of course. Adam eventually got caught on security camera and lost his job and a week or so later I was pinched by the head of school, my stash confiscated and the local corner shops all told not to serve me under any circumstances or face prosection from the school for serving somebody underage.

And yeah, it may be more Bugsy Malone than Scarface but that's as close to being a criminal overlord as I'll ever get.

I fucking loved it.



At 16 it was officially legal for me to indulge my habit which was well on it's way to flowering into full blown addiction but still, I never told my mum. I'd been hiding it from her for two years and she was completely clueless as to my activities, I knew she'd be disappointed with me and I wasn't ready to do that to her just yet - she'd raised my brother and I on her own for over ten years with little to no outside help and she deserved much better than that.

One time, she had an argument with the guy she'd been seeing for a few weeks, the first time she'd allowed herself to date anybody since she and my Dad split. I never found out what it was about - probably Me - I just remember the long minutes of screaming and shouting and then the stomach churning smack of a slap to the face followed by a slammed door and then eerie silence.

A couple of minutes later my mum came into my room looking disheveled and miserable. Her hair was ruffled, make-up streaked and the beginnings of a large red handprint was forming across her cheek.

"Do you have a spare cigarette?" she asked weakly.

Not 'A cigarette' mind, but 'Spare Cigarette': She'd known I was a smoker from day one and said nothing. All that time I'd been walking around with a smug expression on my face, proud that I'd managed to hide my secret double-life and she'd just sat there silently and let me get on with it, let me make my own mistakes. I loved her for that.

I never denied it of course, It would have a been a slap more grevious than the one dealt by that prick. Without saying anything I reached into my bedside draw, pulled out two Embassy No.1's, lit them both and passed one to her. She sat down next to me and I put my arm round her to comfort her as she sobbed quietly on my shoulder.

We sat in silence, just smoking, not needing words.

It's the closest I've ever felt to my mother.



By 17 I'd moved out to live with my granddad and I sat and watched him slowly drink himself to death, still mourning the loss of my gran 5 years prior. The house hadn't been cleaned since the day she died and the whole place stank of rotten food and Old Holborne pipe tobacco. To this day, I can't smell that paticular brand without feeling a fleeting instant of sadness as I'm flooded with memories of the slow and poisonous demise of a titan of a man who, even in his early seventies, used to scare the living daylights out of anybody and everybody who crossed his path.



I was 18 when I finally admitted that my own flirtation with the demon weed had turned into addiction and I was burning my way through 30-40 fags a day. I was In the second year of Sixth-form by then and I spent all my free study periods either smoking round the back of the common room or learning little tricks with my beloved cancer sticks. I could flick the bottom of the pack so that just one smoke would fly out which I'd then catch in the same hand in a 'ready to smoke' position. I spent hours learning to throw one in the air and catch it in my mouth and got so confident, I could eventually do it with a lit one... resulting in only the minorest of second degree burns. I based all of my smoking mannerisms on Vincent Vega from pulp fiction, right down to the way I held the smoke in my lungs mid-sentence, I even grew my hair into a ponytail because, let's face it, he was fucking cool in that movie.

Even though it was legal at the time and, as a sixth-former, I operated with some degree of autonomy, smoking during school hours was still a suspension worthy offence and was to be done with the utmost of care.

Which is why it was such a bid deal when I once walked out of the unused fire-exit from our Sixth-form bungalow with a fag already in my mouth and a lighter in my hand only to literally walk into the back of Ms Kirk, Head of Sixth and my arch nemesis.

Of course I froze up there on the spot like a rabbit in the headlights and made no effort whatsoever to conceal why I was out there - just using the fire-exit justified a hefty bollocking so I was pretty much toast already anyway.

She turned to face me and straight away I noticed exactly the same terrified look on her face as I probably had on mine and it took me a couple of seconds to realise why until I noticed an unlit Lambert & Butler hanging from between her shaking fingers.

And we just stood there facing each other in possibly one of the most awkward moments I'd ever experienced up to that point, our Mexican Standoff only broken when her face suddenly mutated into a rueful grin.

"Gotta light?" She asked.

So of course, I obliged.

"I won't say anything if you don't" She said.

So there we were, the Head and I, two people that hated one another above all else and spent our days contriving to find ways to ruin each other's lives, standing in the out of bounds zone of the school, silently sharing a smoke that, if discovered, would cost her her career and me my education.

For all our future conflicts and arguments, she never ever mentioned it and, until this precise moment, I've never told a soul about it. It was just one of those things, solidarity between smokers, our football game on Christmas Day.




So yeah, you labcoats and doctors, health freaks and politicians, you may tell me that it's dangerous, that I'm killing myself and those around me. But what I've told you here is just the tip of the iceberg and without thought or prelude, I could tell you a hundred more stories right now. Like how, before getting my first ever blow job, the girl kneeling before me lit up a Royal and put in my mouth just before starting her work. Long walks with friends by the brook in the summer, smoking all the while, the running competition to see who could flick their butt to the other side. How your brand dictated your status (Lambert and Butler? - fuck off you skank.). How the way you measured distance and time changed (how far is it to Matt's house? - It's about one cigarette away. What time you leaving? - After this fag). Those horrible experimental periods when I tried Menthols for the first time.

And the fucking lingo! Shit man, we teenage smokers had our own fucking dialect: Twos. LD's. "Save me the letters". "Don't take it to Butlins". "Crash me an oily" (Oily Rag = Fag). I swear, non-smokers never knew what the fuck we were talking about half the time.

And No. I never thought I was cooler than you because I smoked and you didn't and I couldn't give two fucks about what other people thought about me and my habit while I was still a teenager.

I accept the health implications and the fact that I've probably shortened my life and the increased risk of cancer and heart disease and all that jazz.


But when I'm asked if I ever regret starting up this awful habit, I'll always take a long drag from my Benson & Hedges Silver and reflect upon everything I've just told you before giving you the most sincere answer possible.


Not for a single fucking second.




(*Yes Americans. Fag is the accepted English vernacular for Cigarettes, the term itself is probably more widely used than the word ciggarette itself. Oh the absolute HILARITY.)


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Submitted by sarah sweeney at 2013-07-23 13:06:33 EDT (#)

at work in a dreary hotel on a rainy tuesday, i was suffering a tolerable boredom so i went on to surf the endless sea of internet. i stumbled upon this story; i absolutely love it. its just very honest and i like the fondness in the tone. ive been inspired to take a smoke break:) thanks love<3

Submitted by John Pike at 2012-04-11 16:14:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read this post when it was first published. Along with one or two other Uber posts, it has stuck with me. I had read it many times, never saving it to my hard drive, assuming it would always be accessable, then Uber closed...

I searched the internet high and low but to no avail.

Just on the off chance, I searched for it again today.

Such an amazing story.

Thank you.

Ctrl C, Ctrl V, Save.

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-07-16 14:15:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BranDo at 2009-07-15 08:39:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow, that I missed this.

I prefer to roll. OCB black paper, Van Nelle Zware tobacco.

Killer post!


Submitted by Toddler at 2009-07-09 17:57:46 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I still hate this post.

Submitted by Deidra at 2009-07-09 17:33:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love smoking.

Submitted by GreatOdensRaven at 2009-06-10 11:40:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Trypno at 2009-05-25 03:17:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I made it about halfway through before I had to have a smoke myself.

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-05-21 10:35:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-04-25 18:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-04-20 10:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Pfft. This thing won't even get 13K hits

Submitted by Spam at 2009-05-14 08:51:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

if you re-rate posts with a TLawrence rating, his rating dissapears.

Submitted by netimportant at 2009-05-12 00:27:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I have a love affair too. With dicks. Big ones.

Submitted by v1p3r0412 at 2009-05-12 00:16:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ok, first.... Near all of the stories ive read of yours are fucking awesome. very entertaining most of the time worthy of a milk squirting session of the nose, even leaving me awestruck. your posts are the reason I made an uber account. Maybe ill try my hand at blogging... i probobly wont get very many hits at all, but hey you never know. Maybe the reason Im so entertained by your writing is your British, and im an american 23 year old who's only met one person from Europe and he was a German exchange student in high school some 6 or 7 years ago. well, im rambling bye now!

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-05-05 18:47:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wonder what has happened to Spam, I haven't seen him around in ages.
I hear he got caught dealing ketamine to a mum and daughter hooker duo that dressed as nurses in a seedy nightclub in town.
SLUTS.

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-04-25 18:16:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-04-20 10:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Pfft. This thing won't even get 13K hits

Submitted by Master_Chef at 2009-04-22 16:52:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha, i smoke benson silvers.

Nice post, congrats on B@W

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-04-21 16:24:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

fuck cigarettes.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-20 18:37:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats, dude.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-20 12:08:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I told you this was great.

B@W!

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-04-20 10:56:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pfft. This thing won't even get 13K hits

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-20 08:48:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2009-04-19 17:59:01 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-16 02:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I've recently quit (one month come this Sunday) and have no intention of taking the habit up again. I've done this before, smoke then quit, then smoked again after a long period of smoke free time had passed.

Anyway, ciggies have been sin taxed to ridiculous prices. That's cool, but what pisses me off is that they (governmental twats) won't do the same for junk/fattening foods.

I'm sorry but a box of Twinkies ought to be priced at $10 (or more) and a McDonald's Big Mac should cost $5.



Yeah yeah yeah, smoking causes health problems. We all know this. But let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room which is the health problems caused by obesity.

I worked healthcare for many moons and I saw more problems caused by obesity than I did from smoking.

Oh but NO ONE wants to talk about that you see.

----

It's always the ones who don't actually eat the food who want to see it taxed to the shithouse.

Have a fucking sandwich for a change, Skeletor.

======

Eat me, Cuntface.

:)

Submitted by Flaahgra at 2009-04-20 08:35:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

As someone who has started smoking (still in the midst of the "only when I'm drinking" phase) in the last few months, fuck you. In the back of my head, I know I shouldn't be doing it but it's shit like this (and maybe the nicotine too) that will probably keep me from ever stopping.

Submitted by domenad at 2009-04-19 22:26:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is why I own Altria stock.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2009-04-19 18:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-16 02:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I've recently quit (one month come this Sunday) and have no intention of taking the habit up again. I've done this before, smoke then quit, then smoked again after a long period of smoke free time had passed.

Anyway, ciggies have been sin taxed to ridiculous prices. That's cool, but what pisses me off is that they (governmental twats) won't do the same for junk/fattening foods.

I'm sorry but a box of Twinkies ought to be priced at $10 (or more) and a McDonald's Big Mac should cost $5.



Yeah yeah yeah, smoking causes health problems. We all know this. But let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room which is the health problems caused by obesity.

I worked healthcare for many moons and I saw more problems caused by obesity than I did from smoking.

Oh but NO ONE wants to talk about that you see.

----

It's always the ones who don't actually eat the food who want to see it taxed to the shithouse.

Have a fucking sandwich for a change, Skeletor.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2009-04-19 18:48:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-04-20 01:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

----

Oh look, she already felt bad about it

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2009-04-19 18:47:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HeyJude (user info) at 2009-04-19 04:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Ironically, you suck.

Nun fucker.

---------

To equalise the fat, useless whore's rating.

Get a fucking life, you filthy hosebeast.

Submitted by Replen at 2009-04-19 11:05:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by peckerhead at 2009-04-19 10:29:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I'm not a Labcoat or a doctor, and I do appreciate the effort put into the post and also the context. My fear is that one or more real 'teens' who are undecided re cigarettes read this and come away with your underlying philosophy: You gotta go sometime so might as well enjoy and get our pleasures when and where we can; pollution is everywhere so what's the difference; insert any and all rationalizations for your habit of choice.

I just got back from a funeral; Bobby was a great guy and a good (co)worker. Bobby is the 4th friend/ fellow employee I've lost because of smoking (lung cancer). All of these guys were fun, original, witty, life of the party type guys. Maybe cigarettes and the associated lifestyle helped form the great personality of these fine men. I concede that there is an allure to the habit and that many movie actors and even political heroes would not have been the same without a cigarette nearby.

I won't all out rain on your parade here... and it's probably a little selfish on my part but I miss Bobby and the others. I really do. Bobby's family and friends miss him too. I was just there (at the funeral) and it was pretty fucking obvious that everyone cared for and loved this man. Anyway, like at Woodstock, it's your own trip man so be my guest but please at least consider the health risks.

One thing I did read not long ago is that a lot of you (smokers) are doing it wrong! This particular article simply suggested smoking LESS! Apparently the desired effects of the nicotine are greater if you just smoke a little, once in awhile. Good post.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-19 09:16:49 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm taking a fucking break. You people freak me out.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2009-04-18 17:32:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Feely/Method: STFU!!

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-18 15:11:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

And by the way, funny how you are quick to insult my heat (I commented twice on UberGetFucked) and my post quality (you haven't read them all) yet you are quick to use my name to garner interest in yourself. Well done, you insulted someone on the internet, what a winner!

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-18 15:06:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Being drunk is no excuse... Well, glad you proved your point so emphatically, I can only imagine the joy you have spread over Uber insulting me in such an original and eloquent manner. So I will leave you to celebrating your success on the internet and leave you with this - fuck right off.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-18 15:01:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

well yes, but then I could say that if INSISTED on camwhoring on every oter post and flirting OUTRAGEOUSLY with every Uberer of the opposite sex and replying to EVERY SINGLE comment made on one of my posts then I would make most heated everytime too wouldn't I?

SO we are both right I guess. Your posts aren't good enough to get B@W and I don't whore myself out enough to get most heated all the time.

let's call it a draw.

Submitted by DreamWeaver at 2009-04-18 14:52:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's all relative, dear Spammy. You quote your average but mine would be EVEN HIGHER were it not for Method and all his pheeley hating alters. Besides, you have been here years, I have not even reached my second anniversary. And I daresay if I had made a post for Bored at Work ie made up some nerdy story featuring narcotics, alcohol, flaccid peni or ninjas, then I too would have a squillion hits.


Basically, you are not MVA so shut it.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-18 14:44:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Ah yes, and we ALL know that heat is the true measure of talent around these parts. Nothing to do with having an ave rating of 1.76 on ninety odd posts or a hits/post ratio well in excess of 3000 or anything.

Yes. it's all about heat.

Submitted by DreamWeaver at 2009-04-18 14:37:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ah, look at Spam talking about the 'good old days' of Uber when his comments would reach their massive peak of 23. Whoa there, steady heat whore.


Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-18 14:34:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It's good to see that I still qualify for the alter treatment nowadays. Even if it's from a spinster baby factory.

Submitted by DreamWeaver at 2009-04-18 14:33:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

lol

don't cry

Submitted by HeyJude at 2009-04-18 14:20:00 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Ironically, you suck.

Nun fucker.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-18 12:32:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-18 11:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

lol you are like second most heated to the dude you said was me.
that'll teach you, squinty eyes.

Just say no!

--

Not anymore Cumface,

Rather ironically, your review pushed me back onto the top spot. that'll teach you.

Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-04-18 11:58:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fag, HAHAHA.

AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!

Also, smoking rules.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-18 11:42:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

lol you are like second most heated to the dude you said was me.
that'll teach you, squinty eyes.

Just say no!

Submitted by Cakes at 2009-04-18 03:42:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good post. Smoking rules-- in black and white film, if you didn't spark one up at least once, you usually died. Alcohol is a close second, with coffee losing only by a nose. you've got your priorities in order.

*lights up, nods in agreement*

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2009-04-17 21:52:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can someone please think of the motherfucking children?

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2009-04-17 15:45:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by dangerdude at 2009-04-17 15:38:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I could probably tell you a bunch of similar stories about weed.
But I really don't reMember any of em.




















What was I talking about?

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-17 14:29:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Most heated.

You should go out this weekend and get laid in celebration.

Only don't post about it this time, ok?

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-17 13:01:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, I think we have the exact same taste in music,

Are you a fan of all, or most, def jux?

I am an El-p junkie.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-17 10:47:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-16 17:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

@kaos_king

2 packs of menthol cigarettes a day! dude, you must fucking smell! i don't even get how it's physically possible to smoke that much, unless you're on cocaine. you should ban smoking into your place. that's what i do and having to go outside really helps to cut down. otherwise, it's way too easy to light up in front of a screen.

it must unbearable when those nicotine receptors start screaming for a cigarette.
=========================
I'm with Caul on this one, how the fuck can you smoke 40 cig's in a day, I mean I dont think I could do that if I tried. Unless like caul said, I was on coke or speed. Then I would be smoking two at a fucking time, while chewing on nicotine patches and rubbing Vicks on my chest.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2009-04-17 10:31:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty at 2009-04-17 06:15:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I <3 Spam

Submitted by Tigre at 2009-04-17 00:49:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Quite right mate.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2009-04-16 19:47:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was fucking quality

Submitted by shadow at 2009-04-16 19:28:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nicely put. Nicely done.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-04-16 17:09:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

@kaos_king

2 packs of menthol cigarettes a day! dude, you must fucking smell! i don't even get how it's physically possible to smoke that much, unless you're on cocaine. you should ban smoking into your place. that's what i do and having to go outside really helps to cut down. otherwise, it's way too easy to light up in front of a screen.

it must unbearable when those nicotine receptors start screaming for a cigarette.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-04-16 16:57:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ah the nostalgia of the first cigarettes.

i'm lucky i only smoke 2-3 cigarettes a day, even though being a light or heavy smoker doesn't change much on cardio performances and tobacco-related diseases.

if smoking wasn't harmful, it would be fucking awesome. we all have our little rituals. for me, ligthing up that Player's Light (that's what i smoke) after breakfast or with my afternoon coffee is as important to me as it is useless in reality.

it's so important that if you give me another brand, it will really really irk me. those Player's taste nothing but have the perfect sharp pinch in the throat. it's important!

sure, it's 10 CAD$ a pack, but who cares...IT MAKES SENSE!

i started when i was 13. i've been pushing back the time to stop since then. "i'll quit in a year, 5 years, after 10 years..." it will be 15 years soon...

<3 cigarettes

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-16 12:37:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-04-16 12:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I was smoking close to two packs a day. However, with the sin tax increase (which I support) I absolutely have to cut back. I've been trying these Camel Frost SNUS packs. They kinda work.
=================================
dude, I use those at work and shit, havent smoked in months.

except while drinking. I swear to god I think Jack Daniels was MADE to smoke with.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-04-16 12:30:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Absolutely awesome. This perfectly describes to the non-smoker what it's like to be in the head of the smoker. Excellent.

Although I must stand up for my glorious Menthols. I'll smoke any type of cigarette, any brand,, light or full-flavored, king or 100, as long as it's Menthol. I'm currently on Marlboro Menthol Light Kings. They were Buy1 Get1.

I was smoking close to two packs a day. However, with the sin tax increase (which I support) I absolutely have to cut back. I've been trying these Camel Frost SNUS packs. They kinda work.

Awww crap, I just lit up again...



Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-16 09:56:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I refuse to comment on Dervel's sexual preferences. It's just not polite.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-16 09:54:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-04-16 14:51:07 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-16 09:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Dervels a goat fucker, pass it on.

---

Goats? With the number of Bernard Mathews farms round here? Seriously.
-----------
A man with options.

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 09:51:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-16 09:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Dervels a goat fucker, pass it on.

---

Goats? With the number of Bernard Mathews farms round here? Seriously.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-16 09:49:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-16 08:24:46 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-16 11:44:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Hmmpf! The Brits are at it again. Talking as to confuse the Yanks.
------------
I tend to find words with more than one syllable confuse yanks.

Bet no ones made that joke before.

Dervels a goat fucker, pass it on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-16 05:55:29 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2

HAHAHAHAHA

NO! THEY HAVEN'T!!

AND IT'S LIKE THE FUNNIEST THING EVAH!

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-16 09:28:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

GODDAMMIT I wanna fucking smoke now.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Maybe I'll start chewing instead. DATS HOW YOU GET LAID

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-16 09:24:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-16 11:44:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Hmmpf! The Brits are at it again. Talking as to confuse the Yanks.
------------
I tend to find words with more than one syllable confuse yanks.

Bet no ones made that joke before.

Dervels a goat fucker, pass it on.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-04-16 07:26:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Spam you have touched me today.

This was like reading my very own childhood (except my folks are still together, my mum never smoked and Dad quit when i was 2 - by hypnosis, creating a deep hate for smoking)

Ever since that first Benson my life has been a series of wondering the streets because you can't smoke at home, "put it in your bag, yeah" from the local corner shop, hiding behind the Sports Hall, fag breaks and rolling fags for the drive.

About 6 years ago i started smoking roll ups, in a futile attempt to quit, which it turns out you can't do unless you want to, and have never looked back. I love my Golden Virgins and can roll a fag faster then most people can find their ciggies and lighter!

The CEO of the company I work for comes to the UK once a year and we do all of our bonding and discussing while smoking outside, him with his red Marlboro's me with my green rizla, Golden Virginia and Swan filter combo. He calls me the fastest roll in the west (bloody yanks) and I've actually negotiated a promotion before while shivering outside a London conference centre with him in December.

(Little does he know, my rolling speed is directly related to the fact that i roll 15-20 joints a day, most of which on the time he's paying me for)

Smoking is a massive part of my life, it's the one constant thing, I know when I wake up that the first job to do is to roll a smoke and that itself get's me out of bed (smoking in bed is dirty and dangerous..... and frowned upon by my non-smoking mrs) I know that smoking will never let me down, well not till it kills me, but until then it will be my companion, always with me, always that same soothing feeling.

It sounds like you also understand that little something that non-smokers will never understand, we know it's killing us, we know it's a poison, we know our health suffers, but we just don't care enough to remove that smokey comfort blanket that makes us feel good every time we light up. It's almost like smokers have accepted that they are going to die anyway, bringing it closer only softens the blow, gives you less time to worry about it.

Now I really need to go for a ciggy. there is no better excuse to leave the office and sit in your car for 10 mins of "me time."

From hiding a 10 pack under my dresser all the way to buying a car full of "baccy" duty free to avoid the ridiculous UK tax, it's always been there for me and always will.

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 07:09:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Observational humour is great, they should base TV shows on it.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-16 06:55:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHA

NO! THEY HAVEN'T!!

AND IT'S LIKE THE FUNNIEST THING EVAH!

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 06:49:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-16 06:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Hmmpf! The Brits are at it again. Talking as to confuse the Yanks.

---

AKA English.

Bet nobody ever made that gag before.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-16 06:44:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hmmpf! The Brits are at it again. Talking as to confuse the Yanks.

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 06:40:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Birmingham isn't ginger.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-16 06:27:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

http://brooster.photodigitation.com/images/Wales.gif
In that case, so is Birmingham.


The Coca-Cola Football League Championship
Ipswich v Norwich, 12:45 = draw
Monday, 27 April 2009
The Coca-Cola Football League Championship
Norwich v Reading, 19:45 = lose
Sunday, 03 May 2009
The Coca-Cola Football League Championship
Charlton v Norwich, 15:00 = draw


oh dear

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 06:20:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

EmissionImpossible, you couldn't be more Welsh if you were shot of Gavin Henson's nob and dribbled slowly out Charlotte Church's mange ridden gash, whilst some unemployed miners sang shit songs at black people.

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 06:14:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-16 05:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Oh and good luck in League 1 next year Derv. Let me know what the view's like when you travel to such footballing cauldrons as Yeovil Town and Stockport County. I mean come on, what sort of shite fucking club has the word County tacked on the end?

---

We've got the Binners on Sunday. I don't think I can take it if they put us back in the relegation zone. The bunch of cunts.

I have a feeling that we'll be alright and that Barnsley are going down instead.

Shouldn't they be called Derbyshire County? Or Wank Athletic?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-16 06:10:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

jamie cureton is a peadophile

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-16 06:09:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

dervel.....im not welsh,dont call me welsh, dont even think of mentioning 'ei' and 'welsh' in the same breathe, seriously. or i will destroy you with my west country ninja skills.


Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-16 05:59:21 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Oh and good luck in League 1 next year Derv. Let me know what the view's like when you travel to such footballing cauldrons as Yeovil Town and Stockport County. I mean come on, what sort of shite fucking club has the word County tacked on the end?

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 05:48:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-16 05:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

menthol FTW

---

Is that a menthol leek, taffy?
Or is it still Tom Jones' Listerine soaked cock your smoking?

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-16 05:47:43 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-16 05:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

menthol FTW

--

Menthols are a fucking travesty and no reasonable human under the age of two hundred should ever touch one. Also they make you impotent. More so than regular smokes.

So yeah, if you really want to get that Menthol buzz without being a total homo you should chew Airwaves gum whilst smoking a regular fag and looking at photos of orphelia.

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 05:46:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-16 05:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I did BOTH these things as a child too.

Let's have sex.

---

I'm too busy right now doing handstands against the wall so the boys can see my knickers.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-16 05:23:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

menthol FTW

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-16 05:21:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-04-16 05:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Not sure you can ridicule Lambert & Butler and then announce you smoke B&H silver, Spamuel.

I started on Embassy Number 1's - I think as a form of B&H counter culture.

I used to hide my cigarettes in a cassette case at school. Though thinking about it, I'm no longer convinced it's the genius hiding place I once thought.

--

I did BOTH these things as a child too.

Let's have sex.

Submitted by Dervel at 2009-04-16 05:17:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not sure you can ridicule Lambert & Butler and then announce you smoke B&H silver, Spamuel.

I started on Embassy Number 1's - I think as a form of B&H counter culture.

I used to hide my cigarettes in a cassette case at school. Though thinking about it, I'm no longer convinced it's the genius hiding place I once thought.

Submitted by metalbeast7 at 2009-04-16 04:20:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by THERAPlST at 2009-04-16 04:20:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

never smoked, not planning on starting. But now i guess i'll stop bugging my friend to quit. more power to ya man.

Submitted by registerme at 2009-04-16 01:51:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good story but i agree with cpt rags! The Reefer is the way to go!!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2009-04-15 23:13:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WHEN I WAS 25....IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR....

Submitted by captainrads at 2009-04-15 21:28:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great story, though I prefer reefer myself. Cigarettes just stink, though I may have had a shitty brand.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-04-15 17:00:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How the way you measured distance and time changed (how far is it to Matt's house? - It's about one cigarette away. What time you leaving? - After this fag).


-----

so true, also when someone asked how much my tax cut was going to be I answered - 2 packs of smokes.


Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-15 14:31:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*Note to self: Frisk Forensic in October to be sure she is free of needles and won't kidnap me. End note.*

<3 you Forensic and I so look forward to our drinks in Oct!

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-15 14:29:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-04-15 12:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I still don't get what's stirred you up.


In what way am I 'baiting' you?
===
Go away im baitin'
***************************
Hahahahahahahaha!! I love that movie.

Camel Menthol Lights are delicious. I quit when I smoked a bunch of reefer one night and got super cotton mouthed and then took a drag of one of my CML's and it tasted (and felt) like someone took a bottle of baby powder and shook a ton of it in my mouth. I immediately put the cigarette out and have only gone back for one drag (or two) a week since.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 12:55:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-15 12:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

And I was told frequently that I was very gentle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-15 12:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

What did they give you instead of the soda? They made you fast for a day?

Weird how things vary. Our docs pushed for a 12 hour fast but usually settled for a 10 hour one.
=================================
they didnt give me anything at all! I'm beginning to think I was swindled.

nah this was for 24 hours.

And I am sure that you are as gentle as they come. At least I hope so, workin on kids and all.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-15 12:51:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And I was told frequently that I was very gentle.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-15 12:50:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What did they give you instead of the soda? They made you fast for a day?

Weird how things vary. Our docs pushed for a 12 hour fast but usually settled for a 10 hour one.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 12:43:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-15 12:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Sure! Except that I'll be the only one drinking. And by drinking, I'm assuming you mean alcoholic drinks.

First you'll have to fast. The amount of time will be up to your doc, but 8 to 10 hours is good.

I'll draw a fasting blood sample. Then, I'll give you a sickeningly sweet pop that contains 100 grams of glucose. This you'll have to drink in under 5 minutes.

Then, every hour on the hour for 3 more hours, I'll draw your blood.

During this time, you cannot eat or drink anything (except a modest amount of water). So, let's say you fasted for 10 hours. By the time you get to eat again, 14 hours or more will have passed.

In the meantime, as your stomach growls and you feel light headed, you'll get poked in the veins.

But, I'll drink something nice in front of you and remark on its tastiness.

I sound like a fun date, yes? When do you want to get together?
===============================
I got a glucose test about 6 months ago and I had to fast for a day, but they didnt do that thing with the soda. The results of said test are why I am on this special diet now :(

So I'm looking at a solid 3-4 hours of forensic time? Can we wear bandanas?

I dont mind getting poked in the veins, I got plenty of meat on my bones. As long as you are gentle and dont scream like a banshee when putting the needle in.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-15 12:38:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sure! Except that I'll be the only one drinking. And by drinking, I'm assuming you mean alcoholic drinks.

First you'll have to fast. The amount of time will be up to your doc, but 8 to 10 hours is good.

I'll draw a fasting blood sample. Then, I'll give you a sickeningly sweet pop that contains 100 grams of glucose. This you'll have to drink in under 5 minutes.

Then, every hour on the hour for 3 more hours, I'll draw your blood.

During this time, you cannot eat or drink anything (except a modest amount of water). So, let's say you fasted for 10 hours. By the time you get to eat again, 14 hours or more will have passed.

In the meantime, as your stomach growls and you feel light headed, you'll get poked in the veins.

But, I'll drink something nice in front of you and remark on its tastiness.



I sound like a fun date, yes? When do you want to get together?

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 12:31:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Forensic, do a glucose test on me!

we can do that over drinks right?

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-15 12:27:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's horrible to see the rise in Type II Diabetes diagnoses in the pediatric population.

I hated having to administer 3 hour (or more) glucose tolerance tests to morbidly obese 6 year olds.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 12:24:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-15 12:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I've recently quit (one month come this Sunday) and have no intention of taking the habit up again. I've done this before, smoke then quit, then smoked again after a long period of smoke free time had passed.

Anyway, ciggies have been sin taxed to ridiculous prices. That's cool, but what pisses me off is that they (governmental twats) won't do the same for junk/fattening foods.

I'm sorry but a box of Twinkies ought to be priced at $10 (or more) and a McDonald's Big Mac should cost $5.



Yeah yeah yeah, smoking causes health problems. We all know this. But let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room which is the health problems caused by obesity.

I worked healthcare for many moons and I saw more problems caused by obesity than I did from smoking.

Oh but NO ONE wants to talk about that you see.
==========================
I know its ironic for ME to say this but you are absolutely right. Isnt the number one killer in the US Heart Disease?

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-04-15 12:22:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've recently quit (one month come this Sunday) and have no intention of taking the habit up again. I've done this before, smoke then quit, then smoked again after a long period of smoke free time had passed.

Anyway, ciggies have been sin taxed to ridiculous prices. That's cool, but what pisses me off is that they (governmental twats) won't do the same for junk/fattening foods.

I'm sorry but a box of Twinkies ought to be priced at $10 (or more) and a McDonald's Big Mac should cost $5.



Yeah yeah yeah, smoking causes health problems. We all know this. But let's not ignore the pink elephant in the room which is the health problems caused by obesity.

I worked healthcare for many moons and I saw more problems caused by obesity than I did from smoking.

Oh but NO ONE wants to talk about that you see.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-04-15 12:22:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Been there.
Quit.
Went back.
Quit.
Went back.
Quit.
Took up chewing tobacco.
Went back.
Quit.
Came back 3 weeks ago.

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2009-04-15 12:11:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I still don't get what's stirred you up.


In what way am I 'baiting' you?
===
Go away im baitin'

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 12:05:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

doesn't matter red

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2009-04-15 12:00:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

First class

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:57:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I still don't get what's stirred you up.


In what way am I 'baiting' you?

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 11:56:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-15 16:52:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

red and emission - treating uber like a school playground since 05.
really.

I'm old enough to be your mother - respect!
===========================
tired of getting her pigtails pulled methinks.
-----------------------------
oh goody!! can we poke your belly now?
============================
Sure as long as its with your FINGER EI, Im gonna say it again this time, F I N G E R!

and orphelia knows she can poke me with anything she likes.

Unless FJ has taken over her account, then that may be a problem.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:54:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

gibbering? at least i am not baiting, colin.


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 11:54:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-15 16:52:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

red and emission - treating uber like a school playground since 05.
really.

I'm old enough to be your mother - respect!
===========================
tired of getting her pigtails pulled methinks.
-----------------------------
oh goody!! can we poke your belly now?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 11:52:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

looks like FJ has taken over ophelias account

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 11:52:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

red and emission - treating uber like a school playground since 05.
really.

I'm old enough to be your mother - respect!
===========================
tired of getting her pigtails pulled methinks.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:52:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What are you gibbering about now?

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:51:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

red and emission - treating uber like a school playground since 05.
really.

I'm old enough to be your mother - respect!

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:49:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't get why Ophelia is getting aerated.

Submitted by Pentameter at 2009-04-15 11:48:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Toddler at 2009-04-15 11:47:02 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 11:44:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh im playing, im not on about your real name anyway!!beryl.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:41:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

WHY would I put my REAL name on an email I send to people who are strangers?

you are being horrid stop it.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 11:40:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ophelia or orphelia, that is the question

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:38:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

emission shut up.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 11:37:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/118214

funny shit, Spam encounters O

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:35:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-15 16:32:22 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Red: http://www.ubersite.com/m/118214
---
I never took that as being about Ophelia. Always thought it was more about how BERTY DOESN'T POST ENOUGH.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-04-15 11:34:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have been faithfully married to Marlboro's for almost 28 years now, and we still love each other- even after the new Federal Cigarette taxes that have recently been imposed.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-15 11:32:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:30:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When did Spam post about you?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 11:29:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

spam and orphelia?? she's gradually working her way through uber, no wonder she's not leaving





heh

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:29:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

stop being mean red, he already did a post about me that was nasty, and i flutter my e eyelashes no more than the other sluts on here

Submitted by Fey at 2009-04-15 11:27:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-04-15 11:27:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Everyone's going to die of something. Way to man up, take control of the situation, and be proactive.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:27:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You'd still flutter your e-lashes at him though right? In the hopes that he'd write a witty story about you.

He could call you by some vaguely insulting name - starting with a capital letter.




It would be brilliant - you know the sort of thing



"The Frump met me at a train station. I've been met at train stations by women before, but this one's necklace was the chunkiest I'd ever seen. I lit up a cigarette and made my way across there, already half drunk on the JD I'd been drinking and stoned from the cheeky spliff I'd had in the train toilet while I'd been dodging the ticket inspector in another hilarious jape"

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-15 11:25:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-15 11:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

All the chicks that say they love you are clearly deluded and blind.
You suck.

--

How very eloquent.

Cunt.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:24:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

LOL @red, as if puppet boy.
No emission, I did a rob berg.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 11:22:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-15 16:19:52 BST (#)
Ranking: -2

All the chicks that say they love you are clearly deluded and blind.
You suck.
-----------
hey didnt you leave?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:22:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Spamial wasn't the object of your desire was he?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:21:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought you'd left Ophelia? What's Spam done to you then?

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-04-15 11:19:52 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

All the chicks that say they love you are clearly deluded and blind.
You suck.








Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 11:08:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-15 16:02:49 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-15 15:38:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Smoking while pregnant means your child will be born smaller, thus making your childbirth easier

Seriously some people do that.
------------------

your mum would have been on 40 a day if she'd have known she was giving birth to a giraffe
===================
HAH
---
heh

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 11:02:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-15 15:38:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Smoking while pregnant means your child will be born smaller, thus making your childbirth easier

Seriously some people do that.
------------------

your mum would have been on 40 a day if she'd have known she was giving birth to a giraffe
===================
HAH

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-04-15 11:02:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

gigawatts upon gigawatts of awesome.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-15 15:38:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Smoking while pregnant means your child will be born smaller, thus making your childbirth easier








Seriously some people do that.
------------------

your mum would have been on 40 a day if she'd have known she was giving birth to a giraffe

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-04-15 10:58:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was beautiful. I enjoyed reading it as much as you enjoy fags.

However, smoke a real fag, you fag. Like Camels.


Benson & Hedges.

Pffff.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-04-15 10:57:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-15 10:44:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

THAT FUCK! I'm not What? All reading....
TFINWAR
**************************
TFINWATR = THAT FUCK! I'm not what? All the reading...

MY proposal is better because it scrambles ALL of the words in WTFINRAT, whereas YOURS left out the word "the".

Meh, semantics. And I win.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-04-15 10:41:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sage <3 Spam

Submitted by JonOfMBI at 2009-04-15 10:41:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 10:38:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Smoking while pregnant means your child will be born smaller, thus making your childbirth easier








Seriously some people do that.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-15 10:38:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

redskies concentrate on this SWOT analysis!

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2009-04-15 10:37:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You'll get cancer you know.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 10:35:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

god I miss smoking, even when I see people do it now I just wanna SO bad.

--

You should. Its good for you. Plus, smoking while pregnant increases the chance of having a mutant baby and tell me, who the fuck wouldn't want to be Wolverine's Daddy?
====================
YOU ARE SO FUCKING RIGHT

*lights up*

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Merry Christmas.

Submitted by Spam at 2009-04-15 10:33:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-15 10:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

god I miss smoking, even when I see people do it now I just wanna SO bad.

--

You should. Its good for you. Plus, smoking while pregnant increases the chance of having a mutant baby and tell me, who the fuck wouldn't want to be Wolverine's Daddy?

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-04-15 10:33:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I <3 Spam

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-04-15 10:31:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

god I miss smoking, even when I see people do it now I just wanna SO bad.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-04-15 10:31:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

THAT FUCK! I'm not What? All reading....
TFINWAR

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-04-15 10:30:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

TFINWAR


Homer: I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get
it over with.

Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can
teach us.

Treehouse of Horror VII