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Credit Card Companies are uncaring shits

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-21 13:14:03 EDT
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I'm one of those people who is really shit with money. You know the kind, we're normal. Those freaks out there who have an average salary, shit loads in savings and no rent/mortgage to pay are the fucking freaks in this world, as far as I'm concerned. Me, I have a high rent bill, high travel costs, a piss poor credit rating, fuck all money and owe about five different people/companies some random amount ranging from £700 up to £9,000.

Why is this? Simple, I don't really care about it. My life doesn't revolve around it, just what I can do with it. Having money doesn't ever make me happy or enrich my life, but it would stupid to deny needing it to do the things that I want to do. If I had £500 in my account, it wouldn't make me happy to think "I'm saving money, go me", it would just make me think, "What the fuck am I going to spend that on?"

All of this is a long way to introduce the fact that I have recently got a credit card. And not just any credit card, but an internet one. That is, from a company who only work online. No branches or buildings or any of that unimportant, expensive shit. Nope, just a website and a phone line for dickheads who can't use a website.

This basically means that every once in a while I'll get an email from them telling me things like a statement is ready for me, a payment is due, a payment was due, someone's coming to get the payment, we have your xbox as hostage, thank you for the payment, etc.

So when I opened up inbox today I was a bit suprised to find an email with the subject line "Tell us all about it".

When I read this, in my head it was in a fatherly voice of one who finds his son coming home from a shit day at school, frowning and borderline crying. The email put a smile on my face. I assumed they had some sort of system that calculated from my spending habits of late that things haven't been going so well. I imagine it works like this:

"beep beep boop" (I assume they're emotion calculator makes the same noises as R2D2 while working shit out and stuff)

Someone somewhere gets a message saying "Nath isn't feeling too grand right now"

A meeting is called and a team of eggheads sit around, trying to work out the risk of this:

"Is this is a valuable costumer?"

"Sure he is. Look at his cute face and awesome hair." (I assume they also have a picture of me)

"That's true. But what is the risk here? Prehaps he gets more unhappy and decides to go spending crazy on comfort food and clothing?"

"Research suggests that he is in fact hetrosexual."

"Manly?"

"Only the manliest man that isn't actually a lion."

"Holy shit. I think we all know what that means."

"What does that mean, chief?" (This is kind of a Jimmy Olsen type character. Learning difficulties, but makes up for it with effort. Bit like me in bed)

"It means he bottles everything up. Eventually he'll just either go mental or put end his life. We need to do something. A dead customer isn't a useful customer."

"Holy shit..." (That was a collective holy shit, by the way)

"What can we do?"

This is where the panic would start to set in and they would run around the meeting room screaming at each other and talking absolute crap, running through insane ideas of how to cheer me up and make me happier without actually costing them money.

Somewhere in the corner would be a (Chinese) man, sat quietly through the whole thing, gently stroking his beard, deep in thought.

"Maybe," This wise old sage would begin, instantly hushing everyone around. "We should just be there for him. The real man needs to be approached, and needs someone to listen, like the buffalo." (Just so you know, I changed my mind, he isn't Chinese, but native American)

Everyone would listen to this man's advice and they would sit down to word the perfectly worded email to try and help me bring my emotions to the surface and allow me to vent, thus saving my life and their beautiful customer for another spending spree.

With tears forming in my eyes, I clicked open the email to see the not so perfectly worded "Right now, we'd really like you to tell us what you think about current accounts and we'd appreciate it if you could take a few moments to fill out our survey"

Bunch of a cunts. It's almost like they don't want me to their customer.


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The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show
starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, `the gruesome twosome.'

-- Homer Simpson
Krusty Gets Busted