The Eric Bana Star Trek glassSubmitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-24 00:52:31 EDT
Rating: 1.53 on 35 ratings (35 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I went to Burger King this evening so I could get a Star Trek glass. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a rabid fan of the series. I’ve never gone to a convention. Never donned make up or learned any swears in Klingon, but I have appreciated the show and its spinoffs. The ridiculousness of a utopian society where people still work even if they don’t have to is mitigated by fancy technology and epic phaser battles. This appreciation has lead me to watch most of the original series as well as Next Generation and Voyager.
(I could never get into Deep Space Nine because they didn’t go anywhere. They boldly explored their backyard. It seemed contrary to the intent of the series, like changing Robot Chicken into a live action drama with an arcing plotline. They should have just call it what it is, Star Trek: Mini Mall Nine. At least then they might have hit the female 31-45 demographic)
On a whim I decided to go to Burger King to revel in my nostalgia and buy one of those collectible glasses they are pushing. The commercials did it for me. Klingons come to your house and steal your Star Trek glass because they are so rad—and why wouldn’t they?
Of course, there’s the whole “why didn’t they just go to BK and steal all the glasses they want” issue. The Klingons only pick on poor saps who fuck their steakhouse burger while staring at Uhura’s cleavage. I guess they are saying that BK security is that good, and burger fuckers are that inept. Maybe BK has a transporter disrupter. Or maybe those BK bigwigs are in league with the Klingons, stealing the glasses back so they can keep reselling them.
I went and I got a steakhouse burger—which incidentally tasted like some guy had fucked it—and a Coke. I didn’t want the Coke. You have to buy the drink or you can’t have your glass. I’d bitch about it, but I think it gives me a greater understanding of what guys go through to get tail. You pay into your coochie quarterlies, often without a return on your investment. Worst of all, the way society is run, you aren’t allowed to say one bad thing about it. Its fucking noble what you brave men endure. Next time I go on a date, I’m guaranteeing an HJ for any entertainment valued at over 10 bucks. That’s just being fair.
I asked the lady in drive thru for a Star Trek glass with my meal. She asked what kind? I said, “Doesn’t matter.” Looking back, it was a huge mistake. If I had thought about it, I would realize that Burger King probably sells a shitload of the good glasses. People want the Kirks and the Spocks and even the Uhuras. But nobody is asking for the Neros a.k.a. Eric Banas. He is the Ugly Duckling. A sad sack. His story parallels another from Voyager, about some jerkoff who lost his family when he used his time control device, and spent two episodes changing history over and over to bring them back. At least that character was deeper. He was getting revenge on his enemies while trying to save his family. Nero just wanted the revenge.
So, because he is such a loser, BK probably has a directive to get rid of those fucking glasses whenever someone is stupid enough to say “doesn’t matter.” The lady handed me Nero with a smile, and I pretended I wasn’t pissed. She probably expected me to say, “Fuck this asshole, give me some of that Quinto shit.” I probably would have, but I didn’t want to appear shallow. Who wants to be judged by teenager making 7 bucks an hour? I also thought about taking the glass out of its box and licking it up the side in a suggestive way, as if I were saying, “Oh yeah, I can work with this!” but I was tired and didn’t feel like pretending I was a crazy whore.”
(Speaking of which, I was in a library and I walked up to a group of people in some lounge chairs because I thought I knew one of them. A girl to my left gave me a look as if to say, “What are you looking at?” Lost for anything else to say, I offered “just browsing” and smiled as I walked away. I thought it was witty at the time, but looking back, it makes me look like a creepy lesbian.)
I’m staring at Bana as I type this. They didn’t use a good picture. He is in profile standing about 20 feet in the distance. Did they think his picture would turn people off their iced teas? That makes his situation even sadder. The consolation, for me, is that Bana glasses might be rare some day. Like the stamp with the upside down airplane. Maybe I could sell it and buy a time machine and go back and tell myself not to buy the Bana glass. But then I would get a headache from the paradox, and start ranting to Riker about firing the deflector pulse in three different time periods while Q orgasms. Seems like it would be a hassle.
looked for the nero glass but this one kicks ass.JPG