Remakes Don't Have to be ShitSubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 06:41:06 EDT
Rating: 1.24 on 44 ratings (44 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Fucked off with remakes? Wonder why studios even bother if they can't possibly build on the previous version? Wish they would just stop doing this and destroying the legend of some cinematic masterpieces?
Well tough shit. As long as fuckers are going to pay for them, they'll continue to make them.
But, the least they could do is make some attempt to make them more awesome with the endings.
The Wicker Man
Stuck in the giant, burning Wicker Man, Sergeant Howie cuts his prayer short and slowly stands up to his feet.
"Hey, Summerisle." He calls out with confidence.
"What is it?" Summerisle calls back.
"Don't fuck with Jesus's people." With an epic kick, he bursts out of the burning wicker figure, grabs a handful of burning wood and leaps down towards the crowd. Villagers, pagans and assholes attack Sgt Howie, who, using the still burning wood, basically re-enacts the burly brawl from the Matrix Reloaded. Except with more animal skins and farming equipment.
Lord Summerisle remains still, completely dumbstruck by the Christian's sudden burst of speed, strength and kung-fu, drops to his knees, tears beginning to form at the sides of his eyes. With all of the followers dead or dying, Sgt Howie walks over to Lord Summerisle.
On the way he rips off his shirt, which somehow caught on fire, to display his perfectly toned body, which is somehow oiled and rippling.
"We just wanted a good crop next season." Summerisle begs.
"Season's cancelled." Howie declares with a spin kick that knocks Summerisle off the edge of the cliff as he falls to his death.
Assault on Precinct 13
The gang begin to make their move on the almost deserted police station. The only survivors, Bishop, Wilson (Napoleon) and Leigh hole up downstairs, along with the asshole that started the whole thing, hole up in the basement, getting ready to make their last stand.
Bishop gets ready to make the shot to the explosive at the end to kill most of the gang members.
As the narrow corridor begins to get crowded with gang members, Bishop takes his first shot, but misses. Only one round left. He aims up and fires. At the last second a gangbanger gets in the way and takes the bullet to his skull.
"Shit." Bishop says as he returns behind the blockade. "What do we do now?"
"I need to do it manually." Wilson says. "Give me the gun."
Without a word, Leigh passes across the handgun as a single tear runs down her cheek.
"Don't cry, baby." Wilson says, carefully wiping the tear away with one hand. "It was you who showed me what there is to life. In this one night I've lived more than I have in the rest of my life."
"But what will I do without you?" Leigh asks quietly.
"Live, baby." Wilson kisses her gently. "Just live."
With an epic war cry, Wilson leaps over the blockade, armed with nothing but a handgun with one bullet and a crowbar.
In what is basically a re-enactment of the hallway scene from Old Boy, Wilson fights his way up through the hordes of gang members.
Back behind the barricade Bishop consoles Leigh. "God speed, you crazy son of a bitch."
As Wilson gets close to the explosive, he suddenly starts to drown in all the gang members charging at him. With an incredible roar, he leaps over the gangs, probably in slow motion, and takes aim and fires.
It fades to a tombstone, with Bishop, Leigh and her (and inexplicable Wilson's) son stood stoically.
Miracle on 34th Street
It's revealed that he's just an incredible smart and forward thinking paedophile, kind of like if Michael in Prison Break touched children, and gets the chair.
Ryuji is sat at his home, relaxing with a magazine, when Sadako appears on the TV and starts to crawl out of it. Ryuji starts to panic as he sees her getting closer and closer to the screen.
He lets out of a terrified screamed, crippled by his fear, unable to run.
Slowly Sadako climbs out of the screen, water pouring from her.
Suddenly the window to Ryuji's apartment bursts inward, and Reiko swings in on a wire from the roof, SAS style. At the top of her arch, she disconnects the wire and turns into a mid-air spin, drawing a sword from behind her back, making a clean slice through Sadako.
Reiko slides across the floor and comes to a gentle stop. The blood begins to drip from the tip of the sword, while behind her Sadako's head slowly falls forward and topples off, rolling across the floor.
Reiko and Ryuji remarry and live together as a family.
The Nutty Professor
Just don't fucking do it.
The Stepford Wives
Joanna finds her duplicate in the back, and looks it in the eyes.
"You look like me." The robot says, quietly, inquisitive.
"No," Joanna screams. "You look like ME! You're a goddamn robot."
Still confused, the robot Joanna looks like at herself. With an interested hand, she slowly rips the skin back and reveals the circuitry beneath. A kick-ass special effects shot follows, going into the black emptiness of robot Joanna's eyes, follow the circuit path up to the main processor.
On a flashing screen the words "Obey men" repeat over and over again, in a totally unrealistic robot way. The screen begins to flicker, fade, scramble and then comes up blank. It begins to come back to life, this time with the words "Rule men".
As the film begins to end, the camera moves in on the circuit board, showing the words "Skynet". This would kind of be like when they show the Alien skull at the end of Predator 2.