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Remakes Don't Have to be Shit

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 06:41:06 EDT
Rating: 1.24 on 44 ratings (44 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Fucked off with remakes? Wonder why studios even bother if they can't possibly build on the previous version? Wish they would just stop doing this and destroying the legend of some cinematic masterpieces?

Well tough shit. As long as fuckers are going to pay for them, they'll continue to make them.

But, the least they could do is make some attempt to make them more awesome with the endings.

------------------------

The Wicker Man
---
Stuck in the giant, burning Wicker Man, Sergeant Howie cuts his prayer short and slowly stands up to his feet.

"Hey, Summerisle." He calls out with confidence.

"What is it?" Summerisle calls back.

"Don't fuck with Jesus's people." With an epic kick, he bursts out of the burning wicker figure, grabs a handful of burning wood and leaps down towards the crowd. Villagers, pagans and assholes attack Sgt Howie, who, using the still burning wood, basically re-enacts the burly brawl from the Matrix Reloaded. Except with more animal skins and farming equipment.

Lord Summerisle remains still, completely dumbstruck by the Christian's sudden burst of speed, strength and kung-fu, drops to his knees, tears beginning to form at the sides of his eyes. With all of the followers dead or dying, Sgt Howie walks over to Lord Summerisle.

On the way he rips off his shirt, which somehow caught on fire, to display his perfectly toned body, which is somehow oiled and rippling.

"We just wanted a good crop next season." Summerisle begs.

"Season's cancelled." Howie declares with a spin kick that knocks Summerisle off the edge of the cliff as he falls to his death.


------------------------

Assault on Precinct 13
---
The gang begin to make their move on the almost deserted police station. The only survivors, Bishop, Wilson (Napoleon) and Leigh hole up downstairs, along with the asshole that started the whole thing, hole up in the basement, getting ready to make their last stand.

Bishop gets ready to make the shot to the explosive at the end to kill most of the gang members.

As the narrow corridor begins to get crowded with gang members, Bishop takes his first shot, but misses. Only one round left. He aims up and fires. At the last second a gangbanger gets in the way and takes the bullet to his skull.

"Shit." Bishop says as he returns behind the blockade. "What do we do now?"

"I need to do it manually." Wilson says. "Give me the gun."

Without a word, Leigh passes across the handgun as a single tear runs down her cheek.

"Don't cry, baby." Wilson says, carefully wiping the tear away with one hand. "It was you who showed me what there is to life. In this one night I've lived more than I have in the rest of my life."

"But what will I do without you?" Leigh asks quietly.

"Live, baby." Wilson kisses her gently. "Just live."

With an epic war cry, Wilson leaps over the blockade, armed with nothing but a handgun with one bullet and a crowbar.

In what is basically a re-enactment of the hallway scene from Old Boy, Wilson fights his way up through the hordes of gang members.

Back behind the barricade Bishop consoles Leigh. "God speed, you crazy son of a bitch."

As Wilson gets close to the explosive, he suddenly starts to drown in all the gang members charging at him. With an incredible roar, he leaps over the gangs, probably in slow motion, and takes aim and fires.

It fades to a tombstone, with Bishop, Leigh and her (and inexplicable Wilson's) son stood stoically.


------------------------

Miracle on 34th Street
---
It's revealed that he's just an incredible smart and forward thinking paedophile, kind of like if Michael in Prison Break touched children, and gets the chair.


------------------------

The Ring
---
Ryuji is sat at his home, relaxing with a magazine, when Sadako appears on the TV and starts to crawl out of it. Ryuji starts to panic as he sees her getting closer and closer to the screen.

He lets out of a terrified screamed, crippled by his fear, unable to run.

Slowly Sadako climbs out of the screen, water pouring from her.

Suddenly the window to Ryuji's apartment bursts inward, and Reiko swings in on a wire from the roof, SAS style. At the top of her arch, she disconnects the wire and turns into a mid-air spin, drawing a sword from behind her back, making a clean slice through Sadako.

Reiko slides across the floor and comes to a gentle stop. The blood begins to drip from the tip of the sword, while behind her Sadako's head slowly falls forward and topples off, rolling across the floor.

Reiko and Ryuji remarry and live together as a family.


------------------------

The Nutty Professor
---
Just don't fucking do it.


------------------------

The Stepford Wives
---
Joanna finds her duplicate in the back, and looks it in the eyes.

"You look like me." The robot says, quietly, inquisitive.

"No," Joanna screams. "You look like ME! You're a goddamn robot."

Still confused, the robot Joanna looks like at herself. With an interested hand, she slowly rips the skin back and reveals the circuitry beneath. A kick-ass special effects shot follows, going into the black emptiness of robot Joanna's eyes, follow the circuit path up to the main processor.

On a flashing screen the words "Obey men" repeat over and over again, in a totally unrealistic robot way. The screen begins to flicker, fade, scramble and then comes up blank. It begins to come back to life, this time with the words "Rule men".

As the film begins to end, the camera moves in on the circuit board, showing the words "Skynet". This would kind of be like when they show the Alien skull at the end of Predator 2.



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Reviews


Submitted by Crystle at 2009-06-02 23:49:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-05-27 08:41:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by reginajacks at 2009-05-27 02:26:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

that youtube was freakin hilarious

Submitted by pen_name at 2009-05-26 23:18:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-05-26 20:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6i2WRreARo

............

fuck. that's funny all right. I never thought cage was capable of that degree of overacting.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-05-26 20:44:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Okay t_w_a_t_l_e_s_s

I'll get riiiiight on that.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 20:18:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Let me just say, until you grow a pair and post yourself, I really won't take anything you try to say or refence or anything at all you do seriously.

Honestly.

Please, feel free to go through my entire post history and just drop -2's and "No Comment" and see how much it bothers me, and you'll see how significant you are.

I feel like a waster just for responding to this, but then I am a waster.

Enjoy

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-05-26 20:08:08 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 19:55:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-05-26 19:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

The Wicker Man remake was a comedic masterpiece you fucking idiot.

---

Yeah, because if there's one thing I trust you on, it's comedy.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-05-26 19:40:29 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

The Wicker Man remake was a comedic masterpiece you fucking idiot.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-05-26 14:44:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-26 06:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0


And when they remake a foreign film exactly the same but in English just to appeal to a larger market, fuck the larger market who can't be arsed to read subtitles. They don't deserve to see quality filming.


------------------

Sympathy for Mr Vengeance.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0310775/

It's what subtitles were made for. Ok, ok, subtitles were around before this film, but fuck those films because they weren't this one.

Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-05-26 13:39:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Stop what you're doing and move to Hollywood. Seriously. Those tiny little stories you just shat out were more entertaining then all the movies released in the last year combined.

Submitted by SaintGutFree at 2009-05-26 13:04:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-26 12:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-26 06:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0


And when they remake a foreign film exactly the same but in English just to appeal to a larger market, fuck the larger market who can't be arsed to read subtitles. They don't deserve to see quality filming.

===================================

I couldn't agree more.



Although the American version of The Departed is awesome, I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed it was remade because everyone is too dumb to read subtitles. I guess the ONLY instance I can't be completely offended is when Martin Scorsese is directingg.

The vampire movie from last year 'Let the Right one In is going to be remade/Americanized. I am a combination of angry and sad.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-05-26 12:58:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-26 06:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0


And when they remake a foreign film exactly the same but in English just to appeal to a larger market, fuck the larger market who can't be arsed to read subtitles. They don't deserve to see quality filming.

===================================

I couldn't agree more.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2009-05-26 12:15:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good times.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-05-26 11:17:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

heh

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-05-26 10:40:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Star Trek was fucking awesome.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-05-26 10:21:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Auto -2 no pic.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 09:33:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Great. That'll teach me. Now I need to burn this computer, but it belongs to work. How the fuck will I explain that?

That was seriously sickening.

And she looks like a twat. I hate her now. I mean, I hated her before, but without reason.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 09:29:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 09:17:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I haven't seen it, to be honest, but...she did an English accent?

Super duper fuck no. I now hate that bitch beyond all reasoning.

If I ever see her in the street, I'm going to totally hit (on) her.

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2009-05-26 09:17:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm not that harsh of a judge about most movies.


except for 'the Happening'

omg I was so pissed off..worst movie i have ever sat thru

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 09:14:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

She was great in that movie. No sign of druggie skank anywhere in it. Her English accent is cheesy, but hey, she's was a kid.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 09:03:15 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

-2 for someone referencing Lindsay Lohan as an actress on my post.

How dare you?

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 08:47:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I do like the some remakes.

Lindsey Lohan's Parent Trap is a super feel good movie. The only gripe I have is that she says "Actually" a thousand times. Each scene has at least 4 of them.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2009-05-26 08:42:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hate when I see "Dr. Dolittle" on the guide channel, only to discover that it's the one with Eddie Murphey.


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-05-26 08:26:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-26 13:21:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-26 07:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Toe, did you just compare the remaking of 'Nightmare on Elm Street' to the events that took place in nazi germany?

---
Oh yea, I did.

Wrong is wrong, Emission, no matter the scale.
------
Oh no you didnt! *wags finger*

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-05-26 08:22:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Old version, AWESOME

New version, SHITE

most remakes blow. That is all.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-05-26 08:21:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

know this,
one day
someone will remake Star Wars.

no further comment is needed.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-05-26 08:21:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-26 07:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Toe, did you just compare the remaking of 'Nightmare on Elm Street' to the events that took place in nazi germany?

---
Oh yea, I did.

Wrong is wrong, Emission, no matter the scale.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-05-26 08:19:28 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-05-26 07:59:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Toe, did you just compare the remaking of 'Nightmare on Elm Street' to the events that took place in nazi germany?

i can imagine you bursting into a bombed building in helman province commenting on how its a disgace they put a poster of wham up MINUS Andrew Ridgley, whilst children laid burining at your feet.


Submitted by Spam at 2009-05-26 07:55:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I agree with everything here.

Although I didn't so much mind the remake of The Ring, I thought they did a good job of it. Well, compared to how they murdered The Grudge at least.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-05-26 07:55:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-26 07:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

oh toe, just dont watch the fucking thing! leave it pure in your mind.

----

*shakes head*

Just like Nazi Germany. 'Just don't smell the burning bodies!, Don't worry that your jew neighbours have disappeared!' Just don't watch it.

You can't ignore a travesty Emission. You JUST can't.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-05-26 07:47:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh toe, just dont watch the fucking thing! leave it pure in your mind.

FFS people you dont have to watch these films!

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-05-26 07:46:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

They're remaking 'Nightmare on Elm Street'

It's just not right. I hate hollywood people.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-05-26 07:39:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ooo you're such a liar. Watch out for those lightning bolts! LOL

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-05-26 07:31:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You left out 'again'


Saucer nipples FTW

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-05-26 07:18:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't start, EI. I'm not sending you nude photos.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-05-26 07:14:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i have a feeling this runs deeper than just films............wont fg send you topless photos too?

:( its a harsh world

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 07:13:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Bit of a vague offer, but fuck it, I'll take it.

Didn't get to look like this without asking for details

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-05-26 07:12:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-26 05:54:36 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-26 06:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

who pulled your pigtails?

---

Hollywood assholes who can't seem to let a good thing be good.

Recently I've seen just about every single one of my favourite films either being remade, been remade or a remake being planned.

And now those fuckers are going near Akira.

Bunch of cunts.

And when they remake a foreign film exactly the same but in English just to appeal to a larger market, fuck the larger market who can't be arsed to read subtitles. They don't deserve to see quality filming.

Pricks. I hate them all.

====

Would you like a pill? :)

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-26 06:54:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-26 06:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

who pulled your pigtails?

---

Hollywood assholes who can't seem to let a good thing be good.

Recently I've seen just about every single one of my favourite films either being remade, been remade or a remake being planned.

And now those fuckers are going near Akira.

Bunch of cunts.

And when they remake a foreign film exactly the same but in English just to appeal to a larger market, fuck the larger market who can't be arsed to read subtitles. They don't deserve to see quality filming.

Pricks. I hate them all.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-05-26 06:46:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes!

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-05-26 06:44:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

who pulled your pigtails?


Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets An Elephant