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SPT: My Letter to Grant's Ant Spray

Submitted by X54 at 2009-05-28 00:07:42 EDT
Rating: 1.93 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Dear Grant's Marketing Engineer,

I recently purchased a can of Grant's ant spray from Orchard Supply. I was so impressed that I decided to write you this testimonial.

I was changing the oil in my motorcycle while cooking dinner the other day. Halfway through, I noticed a whole shitload of ants evacuating the concrete retaining wall blocks surrounding my patio. Hundreds of them were swarming over a three foot section of wall and the adjacent patio, carrying their precious white eggs in their mandibles. You should show them carrying their eggs like that on your spray can. That's when you know you've got them dead to rights. I smiled as I grabbed my can of Grant's.

I love the smell of DDT. It reminds me of spring. True, the EPA won't let you sell real DDT any more, but today's insecticides still exude that same exciting aroma. My heart always beats a little faster every time I smell it. Like glue or solvent. I sprayed the shit out of those ants. They rained down from the retaining wall onto the ground below. I discovered even more of them--ten times more--covering the ground. I felt like Saddam Hussein with his Kurds. Those ants have been invading my house every spring for as long as I've lived here. The bastards! They had it coming. Why did they choose that moment for their exodus? It was their last mistake.

I sprayed and sprayed until my index finger was exhausted, and then switched to my left hand and sprayed some more. I followed them all the way to their new nest, a hole in the ground twenty feet away. It was the highway of death and I was an A-10 Warthog. I killed those little fuckers by the thousands. Grant's doesn't work as fast as DDT did, but it's just as lethal. The only difference is it takes them longer to stop writhing. Actually, it's better that way. More satisfying. Maybe you can use that on your label or something.

Ants probably don't even have central nervous systems, so they can't feel pain. But my dinner sure must have. Fucking stoves. They're great as long as you pay attention. While I was spraying those ants, the stove baked my dinner onto the bottom of the pot like a layer of lava rock, only harder. I had to use a chisel and a wire brush on my drill to get that shit out of there.

Then my cat ate the dead ants. Maybe the spray improves their taste. I don't know. I've seen cats eat some shit, but never ants. I've seen them eat piles of dead, rotting yellow-jackets that I dump out of my traps in the summer. They even eat the putrefied bait and squirming maggots, too. They'll eat drowned mice who have been soaking in a bucket of water for days in the middle of July. But I've never seen one eat ants before. This one lapped up all the ants that were scattered over the patio. It didn't dawn on me what was happening until too late. Oh well. I take a Darwinian view of things like that. If your cat is stupid enough to eat a bellyful of poison flavored ants, then it's best to get your cat out of the gene pool, pronto.

I kept an eye on that cat as I ate my cold milk and cereal for dinner, expecting it to start writhing on the ground like the ants. But nothing happened. The cat licked its paws and washed its face and wandered off to take a crap. That is a testament to your poison. It's apparently harmless to pets, but it sure fucked up those ants. Now, maybe my cat will eventually get a tumor or something, but until then: Grant's FTW!

Highway of Death.jpg
Highway of Death.jpg


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Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-08-10 03:34:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sage at 2009-06-23 13:24:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Those ants have been invading my house every spring for as long as I've lived here. The bastards! They had it coming.
*********************************
I LOL'ed at that sentence. Good work, X-fiddy-fo'.

<3 Sage

Submitted by ASO at 2009-06-15 22:11:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The good news is if your cat does get a tumor you can sue.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-06-02 11:05:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was a good read. I, too, love torturing bugs.

Oh, and people, sometimes.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-06-02 10:13:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I told you this was good.

Submitted by Ballare at 2009-06-02 03:07:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 at 2009-06-01 23:54:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-01 16:20:45 PDT (#)

i should do a post about that story and that guy some day.
-------
Yes, you should!

Submitted by scourge at 2009-06-01 19:20:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-05-28 15:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-05-28 10:40:57 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

where's that a picture of?

---------

It's THE Highway of Death: the main highway leading from Kuwait to Iraq. In the first Gulf War, Saddam's forces were retreating along it when the A-10s showed up.

----


a-10's... pfffffft.

real men just get into good old fashioned dogfights.

my uncle shot down one of these: http://www.myptsmail.com/hotdog256/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/mig17.jpg , with one of these: http://www.richard-seaman.com/Aircraft/AirShows/Chino2004/Sampler/Ad4Skyraider.jpg

history channel did a 'dogfights' episode about it. mainly the show focussed on how anyone who would engage in a dogfight against a jet while they were flying a piston driven prop basically had balls made of steel and would fuck all your moms.



i should do a post about that story and that guy some day.

Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2009-06-01 17:18:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha! A shit post thursday post making B@W. That's a new one. Congrats.

Submitted by bart at 2009-05-31 23:43:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bustedcompass at 2009-05-30 22:32:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 at 2009-05-29 19:31:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-05-28 11:00:38 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Fucking awesome dude! I'm going to buy some ant killer today(seriously) and I'm gonna look for this "Grants ant killer" you seem so fond of. I'm in a genocidal mood. :)
-------
Well, let me know how it goes. I just now tried it against some bigger, burlier ants who came after me while I was using the chainsaw and it wasn't as effective against them.

Submitted by spuj at 2009-05-29 05:43:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awesomeness

Submitted by Doodles at 2009-05-29 01:04:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

NOW DON'T YOU USE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN BUBBA.

WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU'RE ONLY CATHOLIC BECAUSE THEY TAKE A BLIND EYE TOWARDS YOUR BOY-TOUCHING BUT THEY WILL *NOT* ABIDE BY THAT LANGUAGE.

Plus you're still a fucking moron and have yet to say anything amusing.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2009-05-29 00:56:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SOLO2 (user info) at 2009-05-29 00:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Front page STREAK!
=============
For your first review you fuck up a perfect rating? Great start, asshole. You must be president of the "Doodles is (a) God(damned idiot) club."

Submitted by SOLO2 at 2009-05-29 00:27:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Front page STREAK!

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-05-28 23:14:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"It was the highway of death and I was an A-10 Warthog."


Submitted by X54 at 2009-05-28 15:16:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-05-28 10:40:57 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

where's that a picture of?

---------

It's THE Highway of Death: the main highway leading from Kuwait to Iraq. In the first Gulf War, Saddam's forces were retreating along it when the A-10s showed up.

At least, that's what it's purported to be a picture of.

Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-05-28 14:00:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking awesome dude! I'm going to buy some ant killer today(seriously) and I'm gonna look for this "Grants ant killer" you seem so fond of. I'm in a genocidal mood. :)

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-05-28 13:40:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

where's that a picture of?

Submitted by Lib at 2009-05-28 13:26:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Killing ants make you feel like god!

Submitted by phuchuebuddy at 2009-05-28 13:13:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice testimonial

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-05-28 12:46:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not great. Not below awesome though either.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-05-28 11:41:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by scourge at 2009-05-28 11:15:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

excellent.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-05-28 10:34:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was honest to goodness fucking hilarious. Deserves a +100.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-05-28 09:28:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-05-28 09:12:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2009-05-28 09:02:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're a fucking nutcase.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-05-28 07:34:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha

Submitted by BranDo at 2009-05-28 07:31:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AyeCarumba (user info) at 2009-05-28 04:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I love reading your cat/mouse/wasp/ant/snake stories.

Ditto!

Submitted by AyeCarumba at 2009-05-28 04:49:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love reading your cat/mouse/wasp/ant/snake stories.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-05-28 03:44:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


when i do ants, i pretend i'm in Plane Jane or Suprise Package on full rock and roll mode








j

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2009-05-28 03:24:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No Ants

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-05-28 00:50:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Doodles at 2009-05-28 00:12:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'M SOLD!


I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would
explode! I think it was called `The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'

-- Homer Simpson
The Springfield Files