SPT: My Letter to Grant's Ant SpraySubmitted by X54 at 2009-05-28 00:07:42 EDT
Rating: 1.93 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Dear Grant's Marketing Engineer,
I recently purchased a can of Grant's ant spray from Orchard Supply. I was so impressed that I decided to write you this testimonial.
I was changing the oil in my motorcycle while cooking dinner the other day. Halfway through, I noticed a whole shitload of ants evacuating the concrete retaining wall blocks surrounding my patio. Hundreds of them were swarming over a three foot section of wall and the adjacent patio, carrying their precious white eggs in their mandibles. You should show them carrying their eggs like that on your spray can. That's when you know you've got them dead to rights. I smiled as I grabbed my can of Grant's.
I love the smell of DDT. It reminds me of spring. True, the EPA won't let you sell real DDT any more, but today's insecticides still exude that same exciting aroma. My heart always beats a little faster every time I smell it. Like glue or solvent. I sprayed the shit out of those ants. They rained down from the retaining wall onto the ground below. I discovered even more of them--ten times more--covering the ground. I felt like Saddam Hussein with his Kurds. Those ants have been invading my house every spring for as long as I've lived here. The bastards! They had it coming. Why did they choose that moment for their exodus? It was their last mistake.
I sprayed and sprayed until my index finger was exhausted, and then switched to my left hand and sprayed some more. I followed them all the way to their new nest, a hole in the ground twenty feet away. It was the highway of death and I was an A-10 Warthog. I killed those little fuckers by the thousands. Grant's doesn't work as fast as DDT did, but it's just as lethal. The only difference is it takes them longer to stop writhing. Actually, it's better that way. More satisfying. Maybe you can use that on your label or something.
Ants probably don't even have central nervous systems, so they can't feel pain. But my dinner sure must have. Fucking stoves. They're great as long as you pay attention. While I was spraying those ants, the stove baked my dinner onto the bottom of the pot like a layer of lava rock, only harder. I had to use a chisel and a wire brush on my drill to get that shit out of there.
Then my cat ate the dead ants. Maybe the spray improves their taste. I don't know. I've seen cats eat some shit, but never ants. I've seen them eat piles of dead, rotting yellow-jackets that I dump out of my traps in the summer. They even eat the putrefied bait and squirming maggots, too. They'll eat drowned mice who have been soaking in a bucket of water for days in the middle of July. But I've never seen one eat ants before. This one lapped up all the ants that were scattered over the patio. It didn't dawn on me what was happening until too late. Oh well. I take a Darwinian view of things like that. If your cat is stupid enough to eat a bellyful of poison flavored ants, then it's best to get your cat out of the gene pool, pronto.
I kept an eye on that cat as I ate my cold milk and cereal for dinner, expecting it to start writhing on the ground like the ants. But nothing happened. The cat licked its paws and washed its face and wandered off to take a crap. That is a testament to your poison. It's apparently harmless to pets, but it sure fucked up those ants. Now, maybe my cat will eventually get a tumor or something, but until then: Grant's FTW!
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