Constant Reminders of my ManlinessSubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-01 09:33:30 EDT
Rating: 1.96 on 33 ratings (33 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
About two months ago, I had a weekend that was a bit strange for me. As I'm sure many have already guessed, I'm mostly friendless and just sit in my flat all weekend playing video games, reading comics and eating Pringles. It's not that exciting, but it's more enviornmentally friendly than racing dirtbikes or big game hunting, so fuck you, what have you done for the next generation?
However, the weekend in question, I had a one of my two real friends around and my girlfriend also had one of hers around. This amount of people was unheard of in my house socially. Normally it's either the landlord with his screaming child who comes to share the torture or the police looking the guy from flat 4.
So with this party in full flow, we all settled down to play some videogames. I have a pattern and I'm not willing to compromise. Now I'm sure many people are suddenly thinking, "Holy shit, Nath, you had three girls in their early 20's alone in your flat with you and you played Mario Kart? You must be dedicated." and you would be right. They could have all been dripping in oil and dressed as schoolgirls, and I...
Ignore where that was going, because it was a complete fucking lie and I lost focus. The truth is even if they were dressed as schoolgirls and covered in oil or jelly I would have just sat there with a cushion on my lap pretending not to care. That's just how I roll.
With the chances of a sneaky four way with my best friend, my girlfriend and her best friend looking quite slim, and a propsed game of strip Mario Kart being out-voted three against one, we just settled down to play normally.
In my attempt to protect identities of people none of you will ever know, I was going to use initials, but they both start with M, and then I was going to just make names up, but I don't have the focus to remember, so they will be referred to as MF (My Friend), GF (Girlfriend) and HF (Her Friend). There will also be Me (Me).
MF: "How do you do that boost thing?"
GF: "Don't worry about it, he just cheats."
Me: "It's not cheating. When you hit a jump, pull the wheel up hard."
HF: "This is better on the SNES."
This pretty much pissed me off, as HF had not shut up about how the Super Mario Kart was so much better. With her, that pretty much translates as "I'm shit at this one but know how to play the other.", but she's Japanese so I'm assuming she knows at least three martial arts and am not willing to call her on it.
MF: "So I do this..."
This was followed by a horrible thud, a slight scream of suprise and then a godawful scream of pain and horror.
I turned to see MF had been leaning over the steering wheel so much that when she pulled the wheel up to give the boost thing, the top had slammed into her mouth.
Blood began to drip slowly and her teeth were already stained in red as she carried on trying hard to play the game, eyes blurred with tears, screaming like a four year old in a bear trap.
I paused the game to see if she was alright.
Me: "Are you alright?"
MF: "JUST PLAY THE FUCKING GAME!"
This roar shock me to my core, and I fumbled to resume the game.
The rest of the circuit was played with almost permenent sideways glances from everyone else, while MF sat still, mouth closed tight, a determined look on her eyes which were locked on her corner of the screen.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I risked asking again as I came up to the last track. She just nodded in response. The tears seemed to have stopped by now, which was a bit of a reassurance, so I assumed the shock had passed and she was fine now.
But then the second she passed the finish line (in a respectable fifth place), she dropped the controller, grabbed her half empty pint glass and emptied an entire mouthfull of blood in. I might have beaten her in the race, but she beat the shit out of me for pure manliness.
The weekend just passed, GF was out shopping, which left me to complete Resident Evil 5, which I had enjoyed enough to play for a few days and I only had a few more levels left to complete.
After a while of living the dream of butchering Africans in their homeland in a totally non-racist game, I began to hear a buzzing. It was quite faint, but there.
"Oh great." I actually said aloud. "Fucking wasps." The wasps hadn't been an enemy in Resident Evil for years, but they had brought the Lickers back, so why not the wasps? Steeling myself for what could become the most annoying enemy in ages I pressed on in the game, making sure to stock up on handgun ammo.
"Come on, you fuckers." I said, the buzzing getting louder. And that was when my phone began to ring. I squirmed around on the sofa to work my phone out of my pocket, saw it was GF, so I couldn't really ignore it, paused the game and answered the phone.
That was when I realised. Every game noise had ceased except for the buzzing. It was still coming from behind me. What I had at first assumed was the surround speaker making the noise turned out to be the biggest fucking bee I had ever seen in my life. I'm not really one to exaggerate, so you know I'm being honest when I say it was the size of cow. This fucker was massive and trying to get out of the window.
The instant my eyes landed on it, I screamed like a complete woman and threw my phone at it. I'm not normally one to panic like that, but I little flying insects and bugs and shit like that. I have a real paranoia about them going in my ears or nose or any part of my body. Not sure why. I was having a piss a little while ago and a moth got in the bathroom window. I was terrified it was going to land and make it's way down my shaft, which basically made me spas out over the pain while trying to keep a steady stream.
Needless to say, the phone missed the bee, hit the frame of the window and fell to pieces. So there I was, trapped in the flat with the Zeus of the bee world, no phone except the house phone that was stuck next to the window, and zero weapons. The bee had me hostage in my own home.
Sucking it up, I moved slowly towards one window at the opposite end of the one the bee was hoovering by, and opened it. In what I can only describe as the ultimate dick move by God, as soon as this other window was open another fucking bee flew in through it. This one wasn't nearly as big as the first, but still a hefty fucker.
And then I saw what attracted them. I had brought my GF some flowers in what was properly one of two romantic gestures I've done in a six year relationship (the other one was calling her from Las Vegas). That'll teach me. As the new bee approached the flowers, and the other tried to escape the living room, I did all I could think to do. Waving one of the flowers towards the giant bee, coaxing it over, I grabbed the flowers and threw the entire vase out of the window.
Both bees made their way outside and I quickly closed both windows and sat down to relax.
I imagine I'll be starting my period soon.