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Silvr... You're really an arrogant prick, huh? And a gaywad? Shut up.
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Dicks are Complicated. Deal with it.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-05 12:53:07 EDT
Rating: 1.53 on 34 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

As has been previously alluded to, and pictorial evidence supplied, I'm not exactly in the best shape of my life. Over the past few years I've put on more than a bit of weight, but I'm at the precipice now, where it's already levelled off and is actually beginning to decrease slightly.

That being said, in my state of a. not caring, b. not having enough money and 3. being a moron, I've not bothered to ever buy new clothes to reflect this (unless they get ruined by bastard plants). As such, at any given time my trousers and jeans could either far too loose and show more top of arse crack than many people have arse, or so tight you can still see the arse crack, but this time it's covered in a slight tinge, almost like my clothing was painted on.

Men will already know how complicated it can be to manoeuvre and arrange the items contained. For those of you who thought that was a bit cryptic, I wasn't talking about legs (if you're still confused, I'm talking shaft and sack). Most women only get to see my bare crotch in a different state to its natural, relaxed one, so they may not be aware of the fact that the sack isn't always tight, and the shaft will act like a pissed snake, just trying to coil up and sleep somewhere comfortable. It's actually such a feat of engineering every time a man does adjust himself instead of being disgusted you should really be applauding.

So given the occasional tightness of my trousers I sometimes have to rearrange more than most. Normally I have no shame in doing so, because basically if you don't want to see me with my hand down my trousers, get the fuck out of my house/office/train carriage/restaurant. Today, on the way outside for a quick cigarette break, such a situation presented itself. It was to be expected, as I had been sat down for at least half an hour, and as I half the self-control of a two year old on crack I can't sit still. Shit had been stirred around a lot down there.

There was a ping as the lift (elevator) made it up to the seventh floor, so I made my way on, pressed the button for ground and then went to work. I sucked in my breath, slid my hand down there and got to the arranging. It was only quick, two or three seconds, but the relief was instant. As the lift got to the fifth floor it stopped and the doors began to open, so I tried to casually remove my hand.

And it stuck.

Somehow, in the few seconds between the seventh and the fifth floor I had gained weight. Like I say, I'm use to going up and down, but this was fucking ridiculous. I tried again quickly as the doors opened and in two women.

Instead of drawing attention to myself, I decided to play it cool. Slowly I made an attempt to slid my hand free of my junk, but to no avail. Whether they had noticed at this point I didn't know, but I was starting to not care.

All I could think was what if I couldn't get my hand free? What would happen? Would we have to call the fire brigade to cut me loose? Is 'cock holder' a nickname I wanted in this building? Is 'cock holder' a nickname in any building, for that matter?

As the panic set in properly, I began tugging to try and get my hand free. This definitely did get their attention, so instead of stopping, I pretended I was doing a little dance instead, just bouncing on the spot, which I figured was less embarrassing than seemingly to publicly masturbate. Which just made them more scared of me and both determined to look the other way, and actually worked in my favour.

Given the quick distraction I spun around to face the other side. By now we were passing the second floor, so just a few more seconds and I'd be in the building lobby. Still doing my little act of bobbing up and down, I used my free hand to pull on my other one. I managed to the thinner spot in my wrist to the waist band which in turn gave me a little more space on the trousers, so all I could think to do was undo them very quickly, slip the hand out and then do them back up.

Just passed the first floor...button open...approaching mezzanine...hand out...ping...ground floor...zzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiipppp...

"Oh shit..." Where I had undone the button and pulled the hand out the trousers had unzip from the pressure. At this point I had just had enough. With my now free hand I gripped both sides of the trouser opening and held them together, turned and casually walked out of the lift, passing both the individuals who had stopped to turn and look at me.

Looking like a proper hip-hop motherfucker, I swaggered into the toilets that are next to the ground floor lifts. Breathing a sigh of relief, I was free to sort myself.

---

Moral of the story: Women, don't get pissing with men doing a bit of tidying up. Take pity on them and maybe offer to help out.



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Submitted by Crystle at 2009-06-09 00:57:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-06-08 10:48:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You've set some high expectations from me over the past few weeks, and this one falls a bit short, but I understand not every single one can be a masterpiece of schadenfreude.

Submitted by thecaes at 2009-06-07 19:31:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TheGoat at 2009-06-07 12:17:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha. The hairs on my inner thigh and balls often meet to create a velcro effect and the only way i can rip them apart without shearing off some skin involves me sitting in a warm bath for about 10 minutes. :-(

Submitted by kgbpasha at 2009-06-06 16:04:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Swell.

Submitted by gonefiguring at 2009-06-06 09:33:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are very funny. I like your stuff.

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-06-06 05:19:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bustedcompass at 2009-06-05 22:23:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not sure if it's true, but it's funny as hell.

Submitted by kitchens_closed at 2009-06-05 20:59:10 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-06-05 20:49:10 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2009-06-05 16:48:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-06-05 16:46:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Nath. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Nath. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!

Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-06-05 16:34:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


i just like to stay in touch


Submitted by ghola at 2009-06-05 16:12:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-06-05 15:42:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i shaved my balls recently and for the love of god!! if my hands arent in my pants, well i must be sleeping.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-06-05 15:37:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 18:09:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

What does offend me however is when you fellows get to scratching your sacks. I've seen you, you know. Scratching past the point where the itch has been satisfied.

Please do a post about this. I want to understand.

----------------

I don't scratch my balls, I have something that does it for me.

Cat's tongues are incredibly rough and have many uses other than just being a boring old cat.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-06-05 15:37:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Just One of the Guys" (1985) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089393/quotes

[Buddy is trying to show Terry how to act like a guy by getting her to scratch her "balls". She's not doing too good a job at it]
Terry: Look, maybe my balls don't itch.
Buddy: All balls itch! It's a fact!

Terry: Aren't you embarrassed?
Buddy: Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass anytime.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-06-05 15:25:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Inion. I have to disagree on your assertion that a skirt would relieve the necessity of the occasional rearrangement. first there's the factor of stickage to consider. at any time, whether clothed, cross dressed (ie a skirt), or fully nude stickage can and does occur. this is when your sack decides to adhere itself to the inside of one or both of your legs. you mentioned the smell of his hand... you think that doesn't come without consequence? it's an oft sweaty and sticky jungle down there. incidently I think stickage happens more when your deforrestation plan involves clear cutting.

The second factor to consider is that of random pleasure. Surely you're not suggesting we don whitey tighty/banana hammock type underwear before donning our skirts so consider this; we're either wearing boxers, surely a faux paux with a skirt, or going commando. in such a flowly garment our boys would be flapping merrily in any stray breezes as well as catching the stray rub from the fabric of the skirt, and this could all lead to even more complicated problems. Yes inappropriate wood mostly goes away as you get older but ask any guy who doesn't normally wear silk boxers to wear a pair for a day and follow him around. You might think he's trying for his boy scout tenting badge... he's really trying to avoid, hide, and ignore the innappropriate and immediate response his wee willy is engaged in.

Finally I return to the concept of a hot and steamy sauna of a jungle. there's often a lot of heat there. swamp ass has a smaller more insidious cousin in swamp balls. sometimes you just have to move things around a bit to try to relieve some of the discomfort such an environment holds for such a sensitive device.

all that being said.... i had a teacher in middle school that everyone in the school called mr. shifty. dude had to shift every time he made the smallest movement. i'm really kind of impressed that he kept his job even though he constantly was adjusting himself in front of class all day long.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-06-05 15:12:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-06-05 14:56:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you know if men wore skirts they wouldn't have to adjust anything ever.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-06-05 14:55:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i wonder if they could smell your hand.

oooh i just made myself throw up a little...

Submitted by ASO at 2009-06-05 14:38:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-05 14:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I played baseball for so long that scratching my groinal area is like an hourly habit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

not just baseball. one of the first things i learned as a football player was that the only way to warm up your hands when it's sleeting is to stick them down your pants.

Submitted by ASO at 2009-06-05 14:36:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 13:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

What does offend me however is when you fellows get to scratching your sacks. I've seen you, you know. Scratching past the point where the itch has been satisfied.

Please do a post about this. I want to understand.
===

the thing is, that itch is NEVER satisfied. The balls are itchy constantly. You see a guy walking down the street, looking happily aloof, talking nonsense into his cell phone? In the back of his mind he's thinking about the next moment he can adjust himself. That guy at the gym who you think is watching his muscles in the mirror? He's checking to see if anybody is looking so he can reach down there for a second. Guess what I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact. All the pieces to that puzzle are incredibly sensitive and any little movement will set off the itch.

So no matter how much you itch it, it doesn't stop. You can (and I have, probably at least four times per day) itch that sucker til its raw and it still doesnt go away. The good news is when the scratching does commence, it's the most relieving moment you could ever imagine, and it goes on and on because the itch is only neutralized until you stop scratching.





Sage - he probably just has no shame. I've reached that point. I scratch and adjust and do whatever, as long as I know the people around me. Some guys are even worse. My girlfriend brought me to her friend's apartment once, and his roommate was sitting on the couch next to me, just having a conversation, and this dude had his left hand on the outside of his right hip, inside his shorts, for two hours. He got up and got new beers and such, but he always returned to the same position. Most guys aren't that bad. I have my hand either down my pants or on my crotch at least once every five minutes. I dont care who sees me.



oh and this story wasnt particularly believable. Believeable? At any rate, +1

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-06-05 14:18:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I played baseball for so long that scratching my groinal area is like an hourly habit.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-06-05 13:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-05 12:54:59 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 13:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

What does offend me however is when you fellows get to scratching your sacks. I've seen you, you know. Scratching past the point where the itch has been satisfied.

Please do a post about this. I want to understand.
===
this is called jerking off in public and passing it off as scratching.

i do it all the time!

---

AH HA! I knew it! You dirty, dirty boys.


Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-05 13:58:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Just to make it clear, I'm not really an expert when it comes to the penis. This is all speaking from personal experience and a lot of generalising

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-06-05 13:54:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 13:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

What does offend me however is when you fellows get to scratching your sacks. I've seen you, you know. Scratching past the point where the itch has been satisfied.

Please do a post about this. I want to understand.
===
this is called jerking off in public and passing it off as scratching.

i do it all the time!

Submitted by Sage at 2009-06-05 13:40:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was highly amusing to teh Sage.

Also, I LOL'ed at Forensic's comment.

I have a male roommate, I am certain I've mentioned that fact numerous times on uber. Once we smoked an exorbitant amount of weed and begun watching a movie (or something...maybe it was a show on TV or something). I noticed out of my peripheral vision that he was scratching/adjusting himself. I dont know what the hell was going on but it went on for like 15 solid minutes (or maybe it just felt that way because I was stoned).

What the hell do you do in that situation? I mean, it's uncomfortable. I felt like leaving the room I was so embarrassed. And I didnt want to come across as creepy and call him out for it or anything...I mean, he didn't know I knew what was going on and I didn't want to embarrass him, either. But seriously...15 fucking minutes?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-06-05 13:34:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

What of those rappers who draw attention to their man parts with hand gestures and body posture. You know, that crotch grabbing Michael Jackson thing. Whats with that?

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-06-05 13:15:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this post wasn't as good as some of your others.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-06-05 13:09:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like that you've been posting more.

As a woman, I've never been offended at the occasional adjustment. I mean, sometimes we need a private moment to dislodge our underwear from our cracks, so I understand.

What does offend me however is when you fellows get to scratching your sacks. I've seen you, you know. Scratching past the point where the itch has been satisfied.

Please do a post about this. I want to understand.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-06-05 13:03:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"As the panic set in properly, I began tugging to try and get my hand free. This definitely did get their attention, so instead of stopping, I pretended I was doing a little dance instead, just bouncing on the spot, which I figured was less embarrassing than seemingly to publicly masturbate. Which just made them more scared of me and both determined to look the other way, and actually worked in my favour"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hahhahaha....
The "coiled snake" part was amuzing also....

Submitted by The_Drake at 2009-06-05 13:02:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice. My girlfriend is amazed every time I adjust myself. She thinks all men are pigs that will find any reason to grab, talk about or allude to his penis.

I told her if she did it more, I wouldn't have to.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-06-05 13:02:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Uhhh....


I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we
could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the
cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.

-- Homer Simpson
Brother from the Same Planet