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My office is like a poorly run strip club

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-08 11:49:27 EDT
Rating: 1.75 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I can understand the purpose of job descriptions. I sit next to our HR department, so I hear people bitching about them constantly, and regular calls and trips to check that whatever someone has been asked to do is within the boundaries of their original contract. And God help the man who tries to ask someone to do something that isn't on their shitty little task list.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not such a massive supporter of the company I work for that I believe everyone should do everything they can to increase the profit margin, but then I'm not a complete asschop that I flat out refuse to do anything that wasn't published, approved and signed by six different people before I started. Fair enough if I'm not qualified to do something, such as install lighting, and if someone asked me to do it I'd probably point that I'm in no way qualified and even if I was drunk and confident about all my abilities, my colour blindness would probably prevent a good job being done and cause a few issues/fatalities.

If I'm not able to do something right now, but think I could in the future, then I will say so. When I get a bit of time I'll look into it and hopefully find someway to do the impossible, because that's the kind of awesome motherfucker I am. And then you get the other kind of motherfuckers who make motherfuckers like me throw our hands in the air and scream "Why are you motherfuckers even here?"

Motherfucking aside, these are the sorts of morons who think they are too important to do anything remotely useful. Normally they're the resentful middle management side, who have managed to blow their way up to the point where they couldn't possibly go any further, so decide to stop trying to impress anyone. With promotions happening in this company once a year, you can always spot them. They get back after the Christmas break, newly promoted with a sense of fart gulping self-importance, who secretly know their career effectively peaked and the brown nosing can finally stop being given and start being received. I'm suprised half of them don't just sit at their desks, cocks flapping in the breeze waiting for some smug twat to wander across and deep throat them on the chance they'll be made up next, just like what they went through last year.

This time last year we had twice as many members of staff. Lay offs, leavers and short term contracts, coupled with the home office getting strict on immigrants who actually pay taxes has meant that since then the numbers have reduced drastically. As you can imagine most people are pretty pissed off it's come to this, and the only imaginable upside to the whole thing is that there are finally enough mugs to go around everyone, which stops a lot of people pissing and moaning everyday.

About two years ago, Paul, who is one of the above mentioned motherfuckers, finally had enough of the mug situation, and took matters into his own hands. He decided to use a bowl, which he filled up with tea, and drink it from there.

"Why don't you just wash a mug up?" Mark asked Paul, when he explained the reason behind using a cereal bowl.

"It's not my job to wash up mugs."

What a prick.

Fast forward to just after lunch today. I walk into the kitchen and find Paul stood at the sink washing up a bowl, because the recession has meant people have been bringing in breakfast and lunch from home, opting to use the supplied cutlery. Has his attitude changed and he finally decided to start washing up dishes, even though it's not his job to do so?

No, he hasn't. He just knows that he'll look a pathetic fuck if he goes back to using a mug after all this time.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm a hero or anything (although I am), but when something needs to be done, I'm one of the few in this place who is willing to do it. When a request gets sent out to help with the charity work it's the people who are on the lowest salary in the office that turn up to help. It's the interns, admin and junior designers who are all willing to give up a bit of time to make the company look good, while all the managers decide to show up, drink the supplied wine and then claim the taxi fare home, leaving us lowly maggots to stand on a tube with some greasy woman's hairy armpit choking away the little bit of dignity you managed to leave the event with.

It seems to be that there's a little pact made when you get promoted that I'm obviously not familiar with (here it takes admin staff about 15 years of perfect work to get made up, and being a programmer I'm classed as admin) that when get a title you are entitled/required to become an unlikable bastard.

This probably isn't too different from a lot of organisations, and I'm sure in a lot of places it's a lot worst, but fuck that. We're on the verge of complete collapse here, what with our clients not paying for completed work and the spineless pricks in management refusing to stop working for them until they do, hoping for repeat business. Good plan, because I'm sure they'll come flocking back to the company who doesn't fucking charge them. If there was a strip club where the women dance for free, and then offer a quick handjob should you come back next time, then it would be really busy, I'm sure, but there's not much of a business plan there.

Mainly because when you ask the girl who did the dance to get money off her client, she would just say "It's not my job to collect money. I'm just here to dance and give the occasional happy ending."

We're basically going to impolde.

But why should I care? It doesn't say I should anywhere in my job description.

Oh yeah, my income...


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Submitted by scourge at 2009-06-11 13:38:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-09 03:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I don't know, drinking tea out of a cereal bowl because you're not willing to wash a mug is impressively lazy.

I can respect that.





also, lol @ sully

Submitted by munkeypants at 2009-06-11 11:44:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by firefly at 2009-06-10 08:39:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-06-09 16:34:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"This time last year we had twice as many members of staff."

Welcome to the Great Depression redux.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-06-09 11:34:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We have our own little coffee fund in the office. $0.25 a cup keeps the coffee, sugar, and milk in supply. We have this one guy that decided to bring this gigantic pyrex measuring cup in and call it his cup. The jerk.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-06-09 11:15:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

will now start drinking my Tea from bowls.

Bowl tea is for winners.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-06-09 10:17:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

This didn't really flow all too well - but was still pretty good.

I work in an entire 6th floor office all by myself. I WISH I could have 'issues' with co workers, then I wouldn't be so lonely. :(

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-06-09 03:58:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I don't know, drinking tea out of a cereal bowl because you're not willing to wash a mug is impressively lazy.

I can respect that.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-09 03:33:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-09 01:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

be glad you even have an office.

---

I am, that's why I'm fucked off at the people who act like they have a right to be there and pull the minimal amount of weight.

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-06-09 01:48:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

be glad you even have an office.

Submitted by Crystle at 2009-06-09 00:50:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2009-06-08 16:00:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Kind of a weak post but I'm not one to bring a rating down and I sympathize with the client ass kissery being done as my place of employment is no different.

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-06-08 15:45:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Middle management annoy me.

I'm a hard working senior manager and would (and have) mopped a floor if it needed doing.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-06-08 14:55:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've known plenty of fine fatherfuckers and enjoyed them all as rather commendable young women. motherfuckers on the other hand are often not such stand up people. perhaps that's why we use motherfucker as a derogatory in lieu of fatherfucker.


Submitted by indoninja at 2009-06-08 14:48:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-08 13:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I feel like we're on the same posting cycle. Every time I post I see a post of yours above or below mine. This must be how it feels to be a woman and keep seeing the same woman in the bathroom stall next to hers that time of month when chunky blood squirts out of their vaginas on the same day at the same hour. Yes, I compare my posts to chunky vaginal blood.

-----------


Better than the post.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-06-08 14:29:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Heh, I remember putting up with all that shit.


Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-06-08 13:44:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This kept my interest almost right up until the end.

Submitted by Ballare at 2009-06-08 13:41:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

why don't we ever say 'fatherfuckers'? it's got a nice ring to it. fatherfuckers.

Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2009-06-08 13:40:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I feel like we're on the same posting cycle. Every time I post I see a post of yours above or below mine. This must be how it feels to be a woman and keep seeing the same woman in the bathroom stall next to hers that time of month when chunky blood squirts out of their vaginas on the same day at the same hour. Yes, I compare my posts to chunky vaginal blood.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-06-08 13:02:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-06-08 12:16:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sure, Caul. Sure.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-06-08 12:13:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

unemployed below

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-06-08 12:10:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I said "is" and I meant "is".

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2009-06-08 12:08:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sounds eerily familiar.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-06-08 12:04:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-08 12:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

My office was* weird
===
fixed

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-06-08 12:02:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My office is weird. It's like the VIP room at a bar where you have to smart to get in the door.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-06-08 12:01:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

perhaps you just had other things on your mind fg ;)

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-06-08 12:00:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Instead of "motherfuckers," I always used "cocksuckers." Many a time was when dealing with lazy people at the hospital, I growled, "why is this useless cocksucker even here?"

Perhaps I was using the wrong terminology.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-06-08 11:58:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Why are you motherfuckers even here?"
-------------------------------------------------

Redeemed and then some. The above quote is the exact reason why I haven't posted anything worthwhile in almost a year.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-06-08 11:56:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"asschop." +2 for that.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-06-08 11:54:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you should see my office, its comical


Homer: I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get
it over with.

Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can
teach us.

Treehouse of Horror VII