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If there is a God, I'm sure he hates charity too

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-24 09:01:46 EDT
Rating: 1.79 on 37 ratings (37 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

My daily journey to work involves a walk across London Bridge, where on any day you would pass up to ten different people all trying to collect money for some charity. Add to this Big Issue sellers, beggars, people walking up and down trains making the same announcement about "just trying to get a bit of money to get a hostel for the night" and various collection boxes and sponsored events around the office, I would say that on an average day I get asked for money roughly 8 billion fucking times.

Seriously, if I gave money to everyone who asked for it, I'd be the one walking up and down the train asking for cash just to give to the last asshole who I wrote an IOU to. I'm already in a scheme at work where money is automatically deducted from my salary so they get the full amount and no tax on it or anything, so as far as I'm concerned I do my bit.

You might say "if you can afford to spend money on comics, then you can always give more", but I would say "fuck you, I work for that money, I'm going to spend it on me". Bad attitude? Sure. Do I care? No, remember I started off saying "fuck you".

One time stood outside the pub someone came over and asked for change, and when I told him I didn't have any for him he told me to prove it. Needless to say that didn't end well.

Last summer something new started, however. They had people patrolling the streets in tribes to get people to sign up for whatever charity they decided to support that week. Considering I work in the complete asshole of the city it's a real surprise that we have about five or six just outside the building.

One Friday afternoon last year Zach and I were stood outside enjoying a cigarette, with the bastard sun beating down on me, making my balls melt and slowly run down my trouser leg, when one of the people approached me.

Now, I'm never rude to these people, I just normally tell them no thanks, nod, smile and walk away. And that is normally enough. However, after being outside for about six cigarettes this day I was already really pissed off with them constantly coming over and trying to get my credit card details and address.

As we were stood there, leaning against the wall, cigarettes hanging loosely from one side of my mouth, while Zach nonchalantly tossed a coin in one hand like a pair of Guido greasers, one of the mentioned assholes approached. I made the mistake of making eye contact with him as he came over. To my defence I instantly shook my head and said "no".

Instead of taking my hint, which must have been too subtle for him, he continued on his short walk and then stood, literally, two inches in front of me. I swear to God, I couldn't see past him he was so close, and with my back against the wall I had nowhere to go. I calmly repeated "no" and tried to look away.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say yet." He said, mock offended, like we were good friends joking about the good old days.

"I don't care." I said. "It's still no."

"I was just going to wish you a happy weekend, sir." He said, some shit-eating grin spreading across his face.

"Right." I said. "Thanks."

"Are you having a good day, sir?" He asked, still sharing my personal space, aka My Bubble of Pain. No, wait, that sounds gay. I swear to God if I had got even a little excited right then he'd have felt the poke.

"I was." I said, getting really uncomfortable, and all of a sudden desperate not to get an erection as if I was at risk of such a thing. "Could you just go away, please?"

Those were my exact words, and that was exactly how polite I was.

To be funny, he took half a step back. I didn't realise just how hilarious this gobshite was, so I turned and took another drag on my cigarette and turned to face forwards again to exhale. I didn't know he would still be right there in my face, suddenly sharing my smoke.

"That's really rude!" He yelled at me. Normally I'd agree with him, but if you're really going to try and Eskimo kiss me then fuck you if you don't like my breath.

"Then don't stand so fucking close," I said, not quite as angry as he was, but still pretty heated. Then I made the mistake of adding "Prick."

This time he did take a step back, threw his shitty clipboard and pen down onto the ground and then stepped back up. "What the fuck did you call me?"

Without waiting for an answer he tried to shove me. Unfortunately for him, as I was already leaning on the wall, and what with me being a lot heavier than him, he only achieved in pushing himself backwards. He ended up stepping on his discarded clipboard, which slid out from underneath him and caused him to land on his ass.

By now a little crowd had gathered, and his little support group of other charity workers rushed in to back him, lift him to his feet and give me nasty looks.

"What did you do that for?" one of them screamed. The fact that she was hot instantly pissed me off because she had such a whiny voice. I was actually at a complete lose for words as to what I had done exactly, so I took a final drag on my cigarette, dropped it to the floor and turned to Zach, who had just stood and watched the whole thing.

As I walked away I started to feel a bit of guilt about what had happened. Not because I had done anything wrong, but it was more empathic towards the guy who had just made a tit of himself. I turned to Zach just before we got to the door and asked him, "Did I do anything wrong there?"

"Shit, no." Zach said. Perhaps he wasn't the best person to ask, as he's pretty much the most no nonsense, uptight and selfish person I know. "Fuck charity." And then, for no real reason, he stopped, turned back to where people were just now starting to move away, flipped them off and shouted "You hear that? FUCK CHARITY!"

He held the pose a little too long, until it started to feel awkward, and then we made our way back to work and forgot about the whole episode.

Today I saw the first lot of them out there again for this summer. Maybe there'll be a rematch of epic proportions. Or I might pussy out and just sign up.


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Submitted by TheGoat at 2009-07-01 07:34:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

he he

one time, i tried backing out by insisting i had no money. When the charity girl then asked me were i was going i said i was going to the bank!

fuck! She gave me the dirtiest look ever and i felt really awkward. i had no choice but to hand something over. Luckily i had some coins on me otherwise it would have been even more awkward.

true story.

Submitted by PerkMan at 2009-06-25 16:06:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I give spare change all the time. I try not to get too familair with the people because they will come to you everyday.

I saw a bum one time walk into a nice asian restaruant and start demanding food from peoples plates.

It was sad. Really sad.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-06-25 13:24:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Some female in a class I'm taking gave me a cookie and started talking about beggars for some reason. She was bitching about how rude the ones in our city were when you didn't give them any money. I found that odd, seeing as I've never had any problems saying "No, sorry." and walking away, until she revealed that her response to, "Spare any change?" is always, "Not for *you*." One of the beggars' recent responses to that was, "Well...you're fucking ugly!"

I had to stifle a laugh at that one, because, well, she is.

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-06-25 03:48:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't mind giving money to beggars, even if they spend it on booze and ciggies. I mean what am I going to spend it on? booze and ciggies.

Submitted by catscradle at 2009-06-25 00:19:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I thought the sun didn't shine in England?

Submitted by Doodles at 2009-06-24 23:24:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

made me smile

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-06-24 18:22:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

dicks.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-06-24 17:45:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

whenever i hear the call of; "spare change?", i always cheerfully reply; "no thanks, i've got a pocketful!"

and as i walk away, the clunk of their minds becoming immediately cock-blocked always brings a smile to my face

Submitted by Darthplastic at 2009-06-24 17:20:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I feel the same way about those hippies outside of the DMV wanting you to sign all these fucking petitions to save tree penis or whatever they are bitching about that hour. Great read!

Submitted by moopy4u at 2009-06-24 17:05:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Lol. Beggars ftw.

Submitted by Merlina at 2009-06-24 16:39:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha

brilliant

Submitted by X54 at 2009-06-24 16:39:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha ha--slipped on his clipboard. I used to hate it when people hit me up for money. Then I read Conan the Barbarian. Now I enjoy telling them, "If you were worthy of my help you woldn't need it." Fuck'em. As Heinlein said (or one of his characters, anyway), "Do-gooding is like treating hemophilia--the real cure is to let hemophiliacs bleed to death, before the breed more hemophiliacs."

Submitted by nobody_gets_out_alive at 2009-06-24 16:35:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"just trying to get a bit of money to get a hostel for the night"

I fucking hate when they say this!

Why not just say they're £2.37p short of buying that bottle of Vodka, I still won't give them the money but I just don't like the lies!!!

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-06-24 15:41:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-06-24 15:14:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There is one particular cunt who wanders around Swindon, and he always begins with the same line, as he approaches people who happen to be walking on their own.

"Now, this is gonna sound like a bit of a mud request, like, but can I have <insert random amount of pence, it was 38p last time I saw him>".

He then goes on to explain why he needs the money, usually some excuse a relative in hospital, or he needs the train fare to get to Reading. I'm not aware of any special tramp's discount that allows him to get to Reading by train for 38p, but he insists this is the case.

I must have come across him at least a dozen times. My responses started off as polite rebuttals, but now when I see him coming I just stick up my middle finger and repeat the words "FUCK OFF" over and over again.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-06-24 14:47:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-06-24 14:09:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
===================
HI!!!!!

Submitted by indoninja at 2009-06-24 14:07:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You know, I used to be a pretty charitable mother fucker. Then I moved to downtown Atlanta. Fuck anyone who walks up to me on the street and asks for money. I found out from a cop that once you say "no" they're supposed to walk off, if they say ANYTHING else to you, you're well within your legal right to beat the shit out of them for asking. I've only had to do it twice, most of them get the message when I lock eyes with them and just say no.

------------

the only thing worse than bums who won't take no are the ones who get mad when you aren't polite about it.

I was close to taking an ice scraper to the head of some bum who wouldn't get the fuck away from my car at DC's Union Staton.

Problem is when you fight a bum evenw hen you win, you lose.

Submitted by ASO at 2009-06-24 14:05:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-24 13:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You know, I used to be a pretty charitable mother fucker. Then I moved to downtown Atlanta. Fuck anyone who walks up to me on the street and asks for money. I found out from a cop that once you say "no" they're supposed to walk off, if they say ANYTHING else to you, you're well within your legal right to beat the shit out of them for asking. I've only had to do it twice, most of them get the message when I lock eyes with them and just say no.

----------

Hmm. careful with that. My dad got stabbed in the neck doing that.

Submitted by AshK at 2009-06-24 13:50:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-06-24 13:16:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You know, I used to be a pretty charitable mother fucker. Then I moved to downtown Atlanta. Fuck anyone who walks up to me on the street and asks for money. I found out from a cop that once you say "no" they're supposed to walk off, if they say ANYTHING else to you, you're well within your legal right to beat the shit out of them for asking. I've only had to do it twice, most of them get the message when I lock eyes with them and just say no.

Submitted by cocaine at 2009-06-24 13:08:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA! Nice.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-06-24 12:56:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One time stood outside the pub someone came over and asked for change, and when I told him I didn't have any for him he told me to prove it. Needless to say that didn't end well.
************************************
What a cunt.

Submitted by firefly at 2009-06-24 12:19:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by c1ndy at 2009-06-24 12:11:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ASO at 2009-06-24 12:05:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-06-24 09:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0



At the time it was true. I only remembered this happening when I saw the dickheads outside again today. Don't know why, but they only come out in the good weather.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this PETA rep who stands on one of the main campus walkways at my school handing out animal abuse pamphlets, repeating "help stop violence" to every single person who walks past him over the course of several hours. He doesn't show up with any sort of consistency, except along with weather patterns. that is to say, he is only out there when the weather is absolutely god-awful. He's out there "help stop violence"ing when it's below zero, raining sleet, hailing, any bad weather, and only bad weather.

I hate PETA but I always take his pamphlets because I admire his diligence. I even do him the courtesy of waiting til he can't see me until I pitch his phony balony into the trash.

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-06-24 11:46:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FUCK CHARITY.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-06-24 10:24:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This made a little audible laugh fall out of my mouth at my desk....

....kind of a comical mouth fart.


Well done.

FUCK CHARITY.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-06-24 10:02:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you should have booted him one in the ass while he was down.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-06-24 09:52:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-24 09:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-22 17:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Nath, I'm sure you have a post brewing since I have one coming too. We ARE on the same posting cycle, you know.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-06-22 17:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

God knows. I'm pretty much running on empty again now.

I'm sure something will slip out soon enough.

Are you getting the Uber PMS already?

---

Lies! All lies!

---

At the time it was true. I only remembered this happening when I saw the dickheads outside again today. Don't know why, but they only come out in the good weather.

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-06-24 09:40:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-06-24 09:32:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

it's winter over here and i'm wearing a t-shirt, shut the fuck up we're on level six water restrictions.

Submitted by TechnoRatty at 2009-06-24 09:30:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I miss standing outside, in all weathers sucking on a cig, I also enjoy beating up tramps!

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2009-06-24 09:30:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Look FG you have to understand that Pure Bred British Males are allowed to complain about every type of weather be it good bad or ugly. It is the only birthright we have left, dont take that away from me.

Now I'm off for a shower as it is too fucking hot outside and the god damned Aircon in here is making the room far too pleasant for my liking.

Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2009-06-24 09:26:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-22 17:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Nath, I'm sure you have a post brewing since I have one coming too. We ARE on the same posting cycle, you know.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-06-22 17:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

God knows. I'm pretty much running on empty again now.

I'm sure something will slip out soon enough.

Are you getting the Uber PMS already?

---

Lies! All lies!

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-06-24 09:21:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"...stood outside enjoying a cigarette, with the bastard sun beating down on me, making my balls melt and slowly run down my trouser leg, when one of the people approached me."

====

Oh Waaah! Seriously, you're in England. How hot can it get? I've been battling 93C with a heat index of 39C, plus humidity.

On another note, you sound like a blast to hang out with.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-06-24 09:06:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you should be a spokesperson for the Red Cross.

This was awesome as usual.


Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Lover