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The Internet: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-07-10 14:41:47 EDT
Rating: 1.4 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

More bored than usual, I decided to open up the internet and see what I could find. And when I say opened up, I mean opened up. I got a kickass axe and hammer away at it until I opened it up like a motherfucker. When there was enough space, I stuck my head through the fresh hole in the internet and growled “Here’s Johnny!”.

A few years later that was stolen by someone in some film or something, and I didn’t receive any credit. Cunt.

Fucked up time travel related lies aside, I was shocked by what I saw. Have you ever actually looked inside the internet? It’s incredible. At first it’s a little overwhelming, as you’re greeted with nothing but a blur of lights and images and sounds. It’s a bit like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, except it made sense and wasn’t complete shit. Fuck you, Kubrick, you were nothing but an early Michael Mann, you dead gobshite.

Not sure why I said that, because the man did some quality. But he is dead, so it wasn’t all a lie.

Like The Matrix, when you get used to what you’re seeing, you begin to understand it and can digest it. Unlike The Matrix, it didn’t have Keanu Reeves in it. Don’t know why, but the internet has no Keanu Reeves.

After a little while, when I was finally able to interpret everything I heard and saw, I came to realise a few truths about the go-to-excuse for blaming all the problems of modern society and quick and free pornography.

For example, did you know that everything on the internet is fact?

No, you didn’t, because you’re a moron. And now that the internet says you’re a moron it’s true. They say that history is written by the winners, but it isn’t. History is now written by the internet. I don’t care if I went back in time and stood next to Elvis as he shit himself to death, if the internet tells me that he’s still alive then I fucking believe it. I am one person, so my experience means nothing. If there’s a few million complete retards that are louder than any reasonable person should be, then who the hell am I to question them?

For another example, did you know that the ratio for people on the internet is for every 1 white male under 35 there are 0.000004 none white males under 35?

Of course you did, because that’s fucking obvious. That’s like saying 95% of all iPhones are owned by dickheads. But what I doubt you know is that most of the individuals are actually pretty quiet and reserved online, preferring to just observe and not meddle. But, while on the subject on people online, not all attractive women on the internet are 1) spiteful bitches or 2) only there for money.

Others like to just appear, fuck things up, and enjoy the fallout, much like throwing a grenade into an orphanage and then cooking sausages over the flames.

While all this information was flying around me and I was absorbing, I thought ”Wonder what it tastes like”, so I stuck my tongue out and tasted it. While you might be expecting it to taste salty, it actually tasted like lettuce, which leads me to conclude that the internet is healthy. Fuck Mythbusters, just ask me.

It doesn’t have a smell though, which was unusual. Or I couldn’t smell it, because I have a cold.

I’ve learnt that the best way to get ahead in this world is to rely on the internet for all information I need.

With the internet rushing hard and fast into my mind, taking over my entire being and I had access to everything at once, I noticed something: nowhere online did I find anything saying that I shouldn’t get stoned at lunchtime on a Friday.

My manager didn’t believe me, but as she was drunk, it didn’t really matter. And I had a kickass afternoon at work.

Rock on, bitches


fuck you im crashing.jpg
fuck you im crashing.jpg


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Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-12-01 07:05:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TheStitch (user info) at 2009-07-14 01:35:54 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

This post made zero sense, it had no point, and I learned absolutely nothing constructive from reading it.


Fucking awesome.

Submitted by Crystle at 2009-07-22 20:21:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-07-15 17:11:45 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by scourge at 2009-07-14 15:26:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TheStitch at 2009-07-13 20:35:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This post made zero sense, it had no point, and I learned absolutely nothing constructive from reading it.


Fucking awesome.



Submitted by cheerios at 2009-07-12 19:59:38 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-07-11 18:18:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The Shining bit and the lettuce bit made me smile.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2009-07-11 16:23:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-07-11 05:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Thanks for a bunch of laughs when they were needed most.


WORD

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-07-11 10:54:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2009-07-11 05:15:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks for a bunch of laughs when they were needed most.

Submitted by catscradle at 2009-07-10 20:46:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-07-10 18:32:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I pretty much skimmed.

Kubrick was great. Full Metal Jacket and Paths of Glory are probably the best movies I've ever seen - they unsettle me so much that it's usually years before I can rewatch them.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-07-10 16:35:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


"If there's a few million complete retards that are louder than any reasonable person should be, then" you are probably at a GOP convention.

Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar at 2009-07-10 16:34:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Seppuku is traditionally performed with the Tanto rather than the Katana, I believe. Your best friend stands behind you with a Katana though to behead you should you make a sound.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-07-10 16:16:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"Others like to just appear, fuck things up, and enjoy the fallout, much like throwing a grenade into an orphanage and then cooking sausages over the flames. "

-------

Not sure what all the +2 ruckus is about on this post, but it didn't suck.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2009-07-10 16:00:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-07-10 15:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-07-10 14:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Didn't read it. Read title...thought of family guy. ROFL'ed.
----

I'm pretty sure its from The Simpsons, but with TV instead of internet.
No matter.

Still a fun post.

----------

I thought of simpsons, which led me to think of family guy.


that was a lie...I thought it was a peter griffin quote.

I must die. I have brought shame on my house.


Anyone have an extra katana handy? I need to seppuku myself.


Is it front to back or back to front :)

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-07-10 15:48:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-07-10 14:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Didn't read it. Read title...thought of family guy. ROFL'ed.
----

I'm pretty sure its from The Simpsons, but with TV instead of internet.
No matter.

Still a fun post.

Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar at 2009-07-10 15:34:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read it and I enjoyed the flow and freneticism of it.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-07-10 15:27:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sure, why not?

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-07-10 15:15:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Back before shtml I used to chop up some ASCII real fine, put it in a data shovel and heat it over a flame war, and just trunkline it.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-07-10 15:10:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

well i advise you to get completly stoned tonight and investigate the powers of the internet some more.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-07-10 15:05:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-10 15:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

how stoned were you?

---

Comfortably. Enough to be happy, but still work.

Might have to redo it all on Monday, but fuck it. Worth it

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-07-10 15:04:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

how stoned were you?

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-07-10 14:57:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-07-10 14:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Didn't read it. Read title...thought of family guy. ROFL'ed.

---

Why Family Guy?

Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar at 2009-07-10 14:57:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

to be honest, i didn't read it either, but i gave it the benefit of the doubt

Submitted by The_Drake at 2009-07-10 14:55:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Didn't read it. Read title...thought of family guy. ROFL'ed.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-07-10 14:51:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar at 2009-07-10 14:47:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"That don't sound like no golden marmoset I've ever heard..."


You see, there are some crybabies out there -- religious types mostly
-- who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to
turn off your set now. C'mon, I dare you. Bock-bock-bock-bock-bock!
Chicken!

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror III