The Internet: Teacher, Mother, Secret LoverSubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-07-10 14:41:47 EDT
Rating: 1.4 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
More bored than usual, I decided to open up the internet and see what I could find. And when I say opened up, I mean opened up. I got a kickass axe and hammer away at it until I opened it up like a motherfucker. When there was enough space, I stuck my head through the fresh hole in the internet and growled “Here’s Johnny!”.
A few years later that was stolen by someone in some film or something, and I didn’t receive any credit. Cunt.
Fucked up time travel related lies aside, I was shocked by what I saw. Have you ever actually looked inside the internet? It’s incredible. At first it’s a little overwhelming, as you’re greeted with nothing but a blur of lights and images and sounds. It’s a bit like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, except it made sense and wasn’t complete shit. Fuck you, Kubrick, you were nothing but an early Michael Mann, you dead gobshite.
Not sure why I said that, because the man did some quality. But he is dead, so it wasn’t all a lie.
Like The Matrix, when you get used to what you’re seeing, you begin to understand it and can digest it. Unlike The Matrix, it didn’t have Keanu Reeves in it. Don’t know why, but the internet has no Keanu Reeves.
After a little while, when I was finally able to interpret everything I heard and saw, I came to realise a few truths about the go-to-excuse for blaming all the problems of modern society and quick and free pornography.
For example, did you know that everything on the internet is fact?
No, you didn’t, because you’re a moron. And now that the internet says you’re a moron it’s true. They say that history is written by the winners, but it isn’t. History is now written by the internet. I don’t care if I went back in time and stood next to Elvis as he shit himself to death, if the internet tells me that he’s still alive then I fucking believe it. I am one person, so my experience means nothing. If there’s a few million complete retards that are louder than any reasonable person should be, then who the hell am I to question them?
For another example, did you know that the ratio for people on the internet is for every 1 white male under 35 there are 0.000004 none white males under 35?
Of course you did, because that’s fucking obvious. That’s like saying 95% of all iPhones are owned by dickheads. But what I doubt you know is that most of the individuals are actually pretty quiet and reserved online, preferring to just observe and not meddle. But, while on the subject on people online, not all attractive women on the internet are 1) spiteful bitches or 2) only there for money.
Others like to just appear, fuck things up, and enjoy the fallout, much like throwing a grenade into an orphanage and then cooking sausages over the flames.
While all this information was flying around me and I was absorbing, I thought ”Wonder what it tastes like”, so I stuck my tongue out and tasted it. While you might be expecting it to taste salty, it actually tasted like lettuce, which leads me to conclude that the internet is healthy. Fuck Mythbusters, just ask me.
It doesn’t have a smell though, which was unusual. Or I couldn’t smell it, because I have a cold.
I’ve learnt that the best way to get ahead in this world is to rely on the internet for all information I need.
With the internet rushing hard and fast into my mind, taking over my entire being and I had access to everything at once, I noticed something: nowhere online did I find anything saying that I shouldn’t get stoned at lunchtime on a Friday.
My manager didn’t believe me, but as she was drunk, it didn’t really matter. And I had a kickass afternoon at work.
Rock on, bitches
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