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Omega (2)

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-28 16:30:34 EDT
Rating: 0.7 on 55 ratings (55 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I wake up. “Shit, I’m late.” I think as I rush to the shower. I get myself ready. Too much makeup? Check. Perfect hair? Check. Short skirt and heels? Check. Low cut shirt and push up bra? Double check. I’m ready to go. I grab my phone, already knowing the person I want to call me never will, and head out the door.

I stop by the Exxon on my way there, picking up my usual pack of menthol cigarettes and Starbucks Double Shot. I’m gonna need it if I have to deal with these cheap, drunk, redneck bastards and their fat toothless girlfriends all night. I walk up to the clerk at the counter, he tells me I look pretty like he does every other Friday night and asks how I’m doing. “Same shit, different day,” I tell him and ask how he’s doing. “Better than some, worse than others,” he says. Everything’s the same, this conversation’s on repeat. I pay for my smokes and coffee, flash my usual smile at him and walk out the door to my car.

I arrive. I get my cashbox, check in with my manager, request my usual mozzarella sticks from the bar back, and begin setting up my cashbox. The bouncer comes up from behind me and grabs me for a hug. He lingers too long, as usual. It makes me uncomfortable but I give a forced, fake smile and refuse another lunch date, just like I do every week. The bar back comes up to me. “You holding?” I ask him. “I got that shit…lets go to the freezer.” I smoke a bowl with him and resume my spot, waiting for the idiots to arrive.

$2 waters, $3 domestics, $4 imports. Cash only, please. Shit, you already drank out of that one. Motherfucker. Give it back and Ill wait while you go pay with credit at the bar. Don’t forget to bring me your receipt, idiot. God, it’s the same bullshit every week. Desperate drunk guys over-tip (sometimes leaving $7 on a $3 beer). Insecure girls are either excellent tippers or don’t tip at all. Pretty girls always tip just the right amount.

I remember what everyone drinks and get it ready while they are walking up. No bullshit small talk, just give me your $5 and I’ll keep the change as usual, thanks. There’s the tall Marine looking dude who drinks Corona with lime. The dude with the Michelob light coozie who likes me to put the beer in the coozie for him. The dude who always gets a Bud Light for him and a Smirnoff Grape for his woman. The mustache man who gets a Coors Light for him and a Bud Light Lime for his wife. “You’re good, you,” he always says. The older man who gets Michelob Ultra four at a time—great tipper, that one. And then of course there’s always the old dude with the long hair and cowboy hat, Cowboy Mark we call him, who sits at the table to the left. He always drinks Budweiser and asks for a napkin. Once, his niece and her boyfriend asked me to be in a threesome with them. I refused. She was fat and he had maybe five teeth. Fuck no.

The hot cocktail waitress with perfect , real tits who loves me and serves Jell-o shooters always comes up to me to bitch about how there are never enough people in the bar. Once, the Asian dude who always drinks Michelob Ultra, told her he was going to fuck the shit out of her and she laughed in his face. The bar back always comes to check on me and make sure I have enough beer on hand. The bar manager makes sure I have a Captain and Coke and checks to see how much money I’m making. “Better than some, worse than others” I tell her.

You walk in. Okay, I think, as we exchange a long glance as you walk by. You turn around and ask me for a Bud Light. We make small talk. I find out you take Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai and are fighting in Brazil in a couple months. Impressive. You ask me for my phone number as you leave. I’m mildly excited.

The bar closes. Getting the idiots out without incident is never easy. There are always fights and people requesting we call a cab for them. I check on the bathrooms and sweep my area clean, count my cashbox and tips, report my earnings to the bar manager, and tip the bar backs. I wait for everyone to do the same and we all sit around the main bar. I have driving school in the morning so I smoke the usual bowl with everyone and have only one drink tonight before I make my way home. Shit, it’s already four in the morning.

You call me on my way home and we make plans to go out. We eat at Chipotle and have interesting conversation. You’re cool enough, but I blow you off. You get the hint; I don’t have time for you because I don’t care about you. We don’t hang out again for months. You randomly email me one day. We make plans to go out again. This time, it’s steak. Great conversation again, I’m becoming optimistic about you. You actually may have a chance with me. We go back to your place and watch some MMA “Best of 2008” show on-demand. We make plans to hang out same time next week. Fake it ‘till I make it—yeah, maybe that’ll work.

I forget about you the rest of the week, blow off your emails to me. Yeah, you’re cute. Yeah, you’re into something interesting and different. And you’re stable and have a great career and you seem driven and smart enough. But I’m still indifferent somehow. Why?

We hang out again. This time, you just wanna watch a movie. Fine, I say. You pick a stupid movie to watch, “College”, I think it was. Wow, really? Maybe you’re not so interesting after all. You make a move; we kiss, and then make out. It’s not bad. You’re a little aggressive, but that’s what I expect from a MMA fighter wannabe, I guess. I feel a little closer to you, but on the way home I get cold feet. I go to bed and wake up feeling absolutely zero for you. I blow you off the rest of the week, thinking I’m done with you and never wanna see you again.

I break and email you, asking you if you want to hang out. Of course you do…what am I thinking? You like me…you’re into me. I could probably get you to do whatever I wanted, within reason. You respond yes, to come over at the “usual” time. So that’s the plan. Fake it ‘till I make it, right? Whatever.

You’ll never know, but it’s all too clear to me. You’re not Him. Maybe that’s a good thing. If not, you’ll do for now.


you'll do in a pinch.jpg
you'll do in a pinch.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by iambetteratit at 2009-08-01 11:31:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

lol you work for BMG don't you?

Submitted by Obi-wan at 2009-07-31 16:19:03 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Lame

Submitted by firefly at 2009-07-31 12:22:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You seem very nice:)

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-31 12:05:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by precision (user info) at 2009-07-30 15:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Damn... didn't realize sage was a pothead. Why do all the really cute ones have to be druggies.
*********************************
If it's any consolation the last time I blazed was 6/17/09. I had to take a drug test today for my new job and I'll likely have random tests from here on out. RIP Jane, I'll miss you.

Shit that reminds me...I need to get my pot pipe out of my glove compartment.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-07-30 16:43:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-07-29 19:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

fuck off.

this reads like Simon wrote it

I can think of no mightier insult.

---
hahahahaha



i didn't read this at all, sorry. ADD is kicking in.

+2 for my laziness. if i read it later and it sucks i'll -2 it.

Submitted by precision at 2009-07-30 15:53:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn... didn't realize sage was a pothead. Why do all the really cute ones have to be druggies.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-30 14:31:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-07-30 00:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Didn't read it.
because im drunk



reading is fun when youre sober
but drun its impsooible
******************************************
So is spelling, as evidenced by the above.

Don't worry. I use txt spk when I'm drunk (GASP!!!!!!!!).

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-07-30 12:58:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-07-30 00:14:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Didn't read it.
because im drunk



reading is fun when youre sober
but drun its impsooible

Submitted by apollo88 at 2009-07-29 19:58:52 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

fuck off.

this reads like Simon wrote it

I can think of no mightier insult.




Submitted by Quint at 2009-07-29 15:37:09 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Sage = Method

Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge at 2009-07-29 12:51:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-07-29 11:48:22 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You = Uninteresting

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-07-29 11:47:00 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Pay up, homo.

I only spank to real porn.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-07-29 11:34:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Twenty bucks says shlongy has fapped to one of your camwhores before.

Have a +2 to help you deal with the emotional scarring that mental image inflicts.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2009-07-29 11:24:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-07-29 11:21:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

BORING

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-07-29 11:19:44 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Shlongy is funny.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-29 11:18:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-29 11:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Is your new job that of a tooth model at Dental Hygenist school?
***********************
Hahahahaha!!! No, why didn't I think of that?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-07-29 11:11:37 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Is your new job that of a tooth model at Dental Hygenist school?

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-07-29 11:02:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Don't bitch about bias, 'mo, you're not that great of a writer. Not a big deal.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-07-29 10:08:50 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

like I said, you're just a douche stoner. stfu if nath can make you post by pleading, surely the rest of the known galaxy can make you shut the fuck up by doing the same. On behalf of the rest of the known galaxy, please stfu, you insidious fucking idiot.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-29 10:05:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Oh and PS bitch, I haven't smoked weed since June 17th and I'm sure as shit glad I didn't because I have to pass a drug test in order to officially get the job I was just offered today.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-29 10:04:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

The uberboard is randomly funny; I'm easily amused.



un⋅bi⋅ased
  /ʌnˈbaɪəst/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uhn-bahy-uhst] Show IPA
Use unbiased in a Sentence
–adjective
not biased or prejudiced; fair; impartial.

feed⋅back
  /ˈfidˌbæk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [feed-bak] Show IPA
Use feedback in a Sentence
–noun
1. Electronics.
a. the process of returning part of the output of a circuit, system, or device to the input, either to oppose the input (negative feedback) or to aid the input (positive feedback).
b. acoustic feedback.
2. the furnishing of data concerning the operation or output of a machine to an automatic control device or to the machine itself, so that subsequent or ongoing operations of the machine can be altered or corrected.
3. a reaction or response to a particular process or activity: He got very little feedback from his speech.
4. evaluative information derived from such a reaction or response: to study the feedback from an audience survey.
5. Psychology. knowledge of the results of any behavior, considered as influencing or modifying further performance. Compare biofeedback.
6. Biology. a self-regulatory biological system, as in the synthesis of some hormones, in which the output or response affects the input, either positively or negatively.


See # 3 or 4 in the "feedback" definition; both definitions retrieved 7/29/09 from dictionary.com.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-07-29 09:59:47 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

define 'unbiased' mr ed, and btw if you think the uberboard is HAHAHA hilarious then you're an even bigger fuckwit than I imagined. Kate Winslet playing a nun in Extra's is funny, you are a douche stoner.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-29 09:54:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Oh and P.S. motherbitches...I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

(GUESS WHAT I'LL BE DOING, SHLONGY???!!!! JUST GUESS...YOU'LL NEVER GET IT, I JUST KNOW IT!!!!!!)

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-29 09:53:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Well thanks for those that gave the post unbiased feedback!!

HAHAHAHA @ the uberboard...who did that?

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-07-29 09:32:05 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm sorry this is really awesome. no wait a minute, it's crap.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-07-29 07:48:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Life is endlessly entertaining.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-07-29 07:44:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this!

AND YOU!

Submitted by locksly at 2009-07-29 04:33:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I LIKED THIS.


no really i did

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2009-07-29 02:37:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Sage, is a douche.

Submitted by Doodles at 2009-07-28 22:59:44 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

If I drunkenly beg you to stop posting will you, mr ed?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-07-28 20:30:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-28 15:27:46 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-28 17:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

If you can't love the one you want, love the one you're with.

Who did that song?


You will find another you care about. Time is on your side.

Stephen Stills, later Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.


You'll get there someday Sage, have faith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yes, thanks!



Submitted by icarus1987 at 2009-07-28 20:18:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't get it. This seems to be semi-autobiographical. If you know someone succesful, stable, or interesting, why would you be real-life pals with Simon? It would be like drinking your own urine when you have aged port handy. Is it part of some elaborate joke?

Submitted by X54 at 2009-07-28 20:09:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Didn't I at least get to see your tits?

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-07-28 19:58:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Quit writing about me :)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-07-28 19:08:40 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

So....You're an accountant???

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-28 18:53:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Ha...I pointsed myself. My bad, that was a slip.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-07-28 18:53:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Hullo Sage.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-28 18:53:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Inion: No, I used to while simultaneously working full time at the accounting firm (actually it was during tax season) and going to school. Now that I'm laid off (but awaiting two possible job offers this week...I'm hearing back, anyway), I'm just in school. Three more weeks and I'll have my Masters, then I'm shotgunning with Roadie (unless I get a job). :)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-07-28 18:47:53 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Oh, Jesus...

Thanks for nothing, nath, you idiot.

Submitted by BranDo at 2009-07-28 18:27:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-28 17:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

If you can't love the one you want, love the one you're with.

Who did that song?


You will find another you care about. Time is on your side.

Stephen Stills, later Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.


You'll get there someday Sage, have faith.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-07-28 17:56:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

are you a bartender now?

Submitted by Yozz at 2009-07-28 17:45:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

This post gave me cramps REAL BAD.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-07-28 17:42:35 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

well conversely, I couldn't stand it.

STFU sage.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-07-28 17:38:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Actually really enjoyed this.

The whole apathetic mood was there as I read, and it made it very real.

I'm impressed.

(and this was my honest opinion before finding out I was somehow the cause to post)

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-07-28 17:25:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-07-28 17:23:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nath has a lot to answer for.

Submitted by Wildman at 2009-07-28 17:17:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by Wildman at 2009-07-28 17:17:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"you'll do for now"...Kinda like her job selection? Way to shoot for the moon!

No, that's too judgmental. After all, she could be servicing dicks by the mile.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-07-28 17:05:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If you can't love the one you want, love the one you're with.

Who did that song?


You will find another you care about. Time is on your side.

Submitted by vexx at 2009-07-28 16:46:35 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

ugh

Submitted by messmind at 2009-07-28 16:44:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sage at 2009-07-28 16:39:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

This one's for Nath since he drunkenly begged me to post again. :)


Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.

Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to
buy a pony.

Lisa's Pony