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No wonder my teeth are shit

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-08-05 09:16:37 EDT
Rating: 1.55 on 43 ratings (43 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Contrary to international belief, here in Britain we do have dentists. Some of them are quite good, actually, and occasionally one of millions of citizens will go along to see them. It's not that we generally dislike our teeth, it's more than when you live in a country filled with smokers and alcoholics during a recession, certain things have to take priority. And unfortunately, as any dentist will tell you, cigarettes and alcohol typically win. Most of the time they will absolutely destroy a tooth into a bitter submission, tie it up in a corner, dance with its wife, fuck its mum and then punch out his best mate. How do they manage to do all this in one room? Because it's the tooth’s wedding day, that's how much smoking and drinking hate teeth.

Recently I made my second visit to my new dentist. The first time I'd gone I remembered him being a nice enough guy who was pretty much all business:

"Sit there, please."

"Any problems?"

"All seems fine."

"I would suggest you start flossing."

"Happy ending?"

"Are you sure?"

"It's on the NHS, so are you sure you're sure?"

I paid the bill and left, booking my next appointment for yesterday. I got into the reception, sat patiently and was finally called up to the see the dentist.

I was a bit surprised to find not the nice gentleman who I'd let fondle my mouth previously, but instead a new dentist. And I don't mean new to the practice, but more new to society. I'm sure this guy was just recently released from some institute somewhere.

"Nathan?" It all started normally, bit of false hope there.

"Yeah, hi." I reached out to hand him the form the receptionist had given me to pass him.

Instead of taking the form from me he shook my hand, crumpling the paper up. He then took his hand away, the bunched up form in his palm, almost like I'd just tipped a valet with my dental history. He threw himself back into his tall chair and spun back to the desk and flattened the paper out, putting his face close down to the desk to the point where his nose almost touched the sheet.

"Any change in your medical history?" He asked. Pretty standard, acceptable question.

"No, nothing." I said proudly. When you have a lifestyle such as mine you take the little victories.

"Just hayfever?"

"Yep." I confirmed, positively beaming.

"No HIV or heart conditions?"

Wait, what? Did he think I'd had an AIDS induced heart attack within the last six months and had let it slip my mind?

"No, nothing." First warning signs going off.

"Okay, take a seat."

Most people will be familiar with the dentist chair, which is long, plastic and eventually tips back to a comfortable angle so you can let someone go to work. I sat on it and it instantly dipped a bit. And I don't mean like suspension taking the brunt, but more just a violent thud down about six inches.

Was this a children's seat? I'm no light-weight, but I'm fairly sure I've seen much fatter people than me come into this dentist. But then I'd never seen them come out again...it was like Sweeny Todd was working for the National Health Service. The nurse put the plastic bib around my neck, somehow managing to stick the velcro tabs to my hair instead of each other.

The dentist spun back towards me and lowered the chair. It tipped back further and further and further until the point where silent panic sets in. Eventually I was very slowly sliding backwards, out of the chair, headfirst towards the floor. It was a bit like Max Payne on a boring day.

"Oh, sorry about that." He wedged his knee under the head rest of the chair and propped it up to a slightly more reasonable height. "We need to get this fixed."

Fucking right you do.

The process began normally enough with him taking a look into my mouth, followed by the usual hums and hars.

"Are you flossing?"

I shook my head.

"What?!"

I quickly planned it in my head. If this guy went psycho, the best course of action would be to bite down hard on his fingers. He would pull his knee out from under me, allowing me to roll backwards off the chair. On the rotation I would kick the light above my mouth into the face of the nurse with one foot and use the other to kick the drill thing into my hand to fend off the lunatic.

Instead he ended up sounding like my mother. He let out a deeply pained sigh and shook his head sadly. I almost expected him to say "I'm not angry, just disappointed". Instead he leaned back in his chair and sighed again.

"You really should floss." He was pained. If he didn't still have the tips of one of his fingers in my mouth I would have said sorry. Then I thought, "Fuck him, I'm old enough to not have to apologise and I'm paying his wage.". Then I felt bad for thinking that so nearly apologised again.

He went on to tell me about a problem with a wisdom tooth or some shit about that which caused something to go wrong somewhere, I don't know I wasn't really listening. Then he told me that he would have to take an x-ray. The nurse passed him some plastic rod that I had to grip between my teeth and then they lined up some ray gun looking x-ray shit next to my face.

"Put your weight forward." He told me. "I'm going to move my knee away and I don't want the chair to tip."

Put my weight forward? I was fucking horizontal. Did he want me to suddenly gain 12 stone in my ankles to try and balance myself out?

"We normally use a bit of wood for this." I told me, playing with some dials. "But that broke."

Ignoring the obvious panic in my face the nurse left the room.

"Ready?" The dentist asked. I had some piece of crap stuck in my mouth, a blast of radiation coming directly into my face and could possibly be thrown out the window like Buster Keaton at any minute, no I fucking wasn't ready. I tried to shake my head, but he ignored that sign too, and then he made a dash out of the office, ripping his knee out from behind my head.

I pushed down with my feet, gripped the only armrest and began praying. It was a waste of time. As soon as he moved the chair jolted backwards too much, I lost my grip, flailed my feet around in a panic and completely lost my shit (not literally, but it was close).

I finally lost my cool and released my clench on the plastic thing in my mouth to scream "Fuck!"

Like a superhero the dentist returned just in time to catch the chair and lift it back up to a more suitable position, and then used the hydraulics to return it to a sitting position. When I say superhero, it's more like the kind of superhero who robs a bank and then hands himself in. What the hell was the asshole thinking?

"Maybe we'll just the x-ray from an upright position?" He said.

"Yeah." I nearly punched him in the forehead. Why the hell didn't we do that the first time?

So he took the x-ray, told me I had to return for another appointment in a week to fill in the crack and to book it downstairs, etc.

In the small reception I told the receptionist and got the appointment made. Sat on the row of chairs next to the desk was a massive woman who was looking at me with a really disgusting look in her eyes.

As I turned to leave I heard her mutter under her breath "Foul mouthed little shit". The hypocrisy aside, I really hope that fat bitch had the same chair as me. If so she'll probably still be planted head first in the floor when I get there next week.



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Submitted by Ducky at 2009-08-09 04:23:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love the way you write.

I used to have an ear/nose/throat specialist who had this perfectly coiffed shoulder lengthed hair that he would spray and tease until it looked like a fiberglass helmet. He'd prance into the office and then, while I was white knuckling the arm of the chair, he'd use this bizarre sing song voice to tell me to keep still.

I'm leaned back in the chair and feeling immense pain and the ceiling is spinning in every which way and he says

"dooooooooooooonnnnn't moooooooooooooveeeeee....staaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy stilllllllllll tra la la"

bastard.

He left Canada in an impromptu sort of way...tax evasion.

Submitted by AshK at 2009-08-07 20:32:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Falafel at 2009-08-07 02:17:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2009-08-06 16:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

"I quickly planned it in my head. If this guy went psycho, the best course of action would be to bite down hard on his fingers. He would pull his knee out from under me, allowing me to roll backwards off the chair. On the rotation I would kick the light above my mouth into the face of the nurse with one foot and use the other to kick the drill thing into my hand to fend off the lunatic. "


I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person that plans escape routes for every situation in life.

Do you run battle drills at the mall too?
------------------------------
You know, I keep a pocketful of glitter or confetti for just such an occasion.

Submitted by melkorthedelerious at 2009-08-06 16:12:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I quickly planned it in my head. If this guy went psycho, the best course of action would be to bite down hard on his fingers. He would pull his knee out from under me, allowing me to roll backwards off the chair. On the rotation I would kick the light above my mouth into the face of the nurse with one foot and use the other to kick the drill thing into my hand to fend off the lunatic. "


I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person that plans escape routes for every situation in life.

Do you run battle drills at the mall too?

Submitted by Replen at 2009-08-06 15:13:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-06 04:54:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have no doubt that she has already said that exact same statement to him already. She is a spicy lady.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-08-06 04:52:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hope his girlfriend doesnt read that Berty.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-06 04:47:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

He wouldn't need all that gettup, EI. You've seen pictures of him same as the rest of us. He could degrade a woman just by being in the same room. It's like a supernatural power.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-08-06 04:44:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If Nath was in porn, id watch it.

So long as it wasn't him on his own wearing nothing but a leopard skin thong with a flower clenched between his teeth.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-06 04:41:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hanna Montanna's jaw is massive. She should totally work in special porn.

So should Nath, when you think about it.

Submitted by SoxSexSax at 2009-08-06 04:37:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow, first truly excellent post I've read for a while. Well done sir! Have a cookie.


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-08-06 04:32:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-06 09:30:32 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Woo! I am totally getting sent home from work today!
--------
Sorry Hannah Montana, what did you just say?

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-06 04:30:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Woo! I am totally getting sent home from work today!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-08-06 04:17:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-06 04:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I woke up this morning coated in a thin film of foul smelling slime. My mouth is full of sores and my skin appears to have aged by 10 years overnight. I have no energy, I can't focus.

Do you think this is radiation poisoning?

---

Yes

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-06 04:13:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I woke up this morning coated in a thin film of foul smelling slime. My mouth is full of sores and my skin appears to have aged by 10 years overnight. I have no energy, I can't focus.

Do you think this is radiation poisoning?

Submitted by angrydrunk86 at 2009-08-06 00:23:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i just got yelled at for laughing so hard hella people staring now feel alittle weird but best thing on uber ive seen in a while

Submitted by Spam at 2009-08-05 16:58:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Uber is dead.

Submitted by Obi-wan at 2009-08-05 16:39:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

THAT'S GOLD JERRY, GOLD

Submitted by Sage at 2009-08-05 15:37:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha!

Submitted by ghola at 2009-08-05 15:33:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow at 2009-08-05 15:11:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-08-05 15:07:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My dentist is great. He comes round every evening in the summer, in a colourful van, playing a tinkling melody from the speakers. All the kids (and me) crowd around his van, and he gives us all ice-creams in exchange for cash. He hands us the ice-cream, and tells us in no uncertain terms that he is the best dentist ever, and we should never EVER under any circumstances go to another dentist who would fuck up our teeth most royally.

I love my dentist.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-08-05 15:05:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MudWhistle at 2009-08-05 14:30:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i read an article stating that most Brit dentists earn, on average, around 200k pounds a year

where do they find time for second jobs?

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2009-08-05 14:06:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

british people have teeth?

i haven't been to the dentist in over 2 years :#

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-08-05 13:41:59 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

w_t_f_s_h_i_t_e

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-08-05 13:24:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The last time that I went to the dentist, he used gas to knock me out. I know that there was nothing wrong with my teeth, but he still insisted. When I woke up, my pants were unbuttoned, and I later developed all kinds of weird sores on my dick.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-08-05 13:15:44 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You pissed me off recently...

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-08-05 13:10:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

get a shorter barbell not the starter kit one. unless you're chewing directly on it or smashing it around your mouth it really shouldn't be fucking up your teeth that bad.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-08-05 13:01:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dentists must not get sued in the UK as much as they do in the US.

I haven't been back to the dentist since I got my tongue pierced, because I don't want to be lectured about it. The worst part is, the stud really IS messing up my teeth. I've chipped one in front and one in back already.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-08-05 12:57:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i wish i had dental. my wisdom teeth need to be out and i don't have any friends willing to get me drunk and go at it with a knife and pliers.

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-08-05 12:39:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by scourge at 2009-08-05 12:26:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my dentist has horrible coffee breath.

the drilling and yanking shit doesn't bother me at all, but that coffee breath is just inexcusable bullshit.

Submitted by Ballare at 2009-08-05 12:21:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm sure I'm in a minority here, but I always enjoy the dentist. It's like a spa for your teeth! And sometimes the sub-dentist nurse presses her boob against my head.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-08-05 11:45:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Contrary to international belief, here in Britain we do have dentists.
===

/thread

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-08-05 10:37:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The reason my teeth are shit is because I don't floss, and haven't seen a dentist in almost 2 years, because he told me I needed a filling.

Fuck that. I'm waiting for that bitch to abcess, so I can just have it ripped out. Sure, I'll be in pain for a bit, but they give you opiates for that, and it'll be a good excuse to take a few days off work.

Molars are highly overrated anyway. They make some lovely beef stews now.

Submitted by Foolproof at 2009-08-05 10:31:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Worth reading, but just.

Sorry, Nath.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2009-08-05 10:16:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't be silly I'm sure you have perfect teeth. I've been watching a lot of Foyle's War on the ABC and everybody in it has fantastic teeth and that's in the forties. well everybody except for the good inspector's driver, she's in serious need of braces. Still I guess you were fighting jerry and needed all the braces to make spitfires and hurricanes. bloody good show I say.

Submitted by firefly at 2009-08-05 09:42:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-08-05 09:33:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You would have to be nuts to want to mess with peoples teeth. Mouths smell, they are dirtier than poop and people who go to the dentist have rotting teeth. Then there is the blood and the noise. Also they are sadistic, you have to enjoy giving pain to be a dentist.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2009-08-05 09:27:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-08-05 09:26:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awesome as always.

I am a large man, and the tilted dentist chair is AWFUL.

I grip the arms of the chair like im trying to hold myself up on the rings in a gymnastics competition. All the while holding my head completely still so a drill running at a few thousand RPM doesnt puncture my skull, all the while looking up my dentists nose.

"ok just relax..." he says

Fuck that.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-08-05 09:24:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ha, you big ole baby.


Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing,
and we can't both win.

Flanders:
Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.

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