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Vending Machines - My Key to Beating the Recession

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-08-11 06:40:30 EDT
Rating: 1.78 on 51 ratings (51 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Vending machines and I go way back. It's not a particularly special friendship, in fact I wouldn't even call it a friendship. I just use them for my own gain, but then they get paid in return. It's kind of like Willa Wonka opening a brothel, so I figure all is fair.

My earliest memory of a vending machine was when I was about nine years old, in the local swimming pool. Every Thursday a few of my friends and I would go with a few of the parents and just swim around, and then afterwards we'd come out, go to old faithful and get some chocolate, just in case we'd actually managed to do some exercise in the pool.

One of my friends Anthony was stood at the machine for ages, holding a lone twenty pence coin, looking up and down, and finally decided that he wanted a great big fuck off bag of jelly babies, which cost £2. Not sure how good your currency conversions and mathematics skills are, but that's clearly ten times the amount he currently had. But not to worry, he had a plan.

"I'll just go to the counter and get change!" He declared with pride.

"What?" Even at that age I struggled to understand how someone could be so retarded and not locked up.

"I'll get change." He said, innocent in the ways of finance. "I'll change the 20p for £2!"

"It doesn't work that way."

"Yes it does." He said. "That's what change is."

"No it isn't." For some reason this got me really angry, and I refused to let it rest. Nowadays I'd let him walk up to the counter and have the woman laugh at him until he wet himself.

Things got really heated between us until it broke out into the most pathetic fight ever. Pathetic for the reason behind the fight, and for the fight itself. Mainly because I developed early, I was much bigger than him, so when he took a swing at me I was able to shove him into the vending machine.

It wasn't hard enough to break the glass, but enough to make him cry.

Those were the good old days.

A few years later, when I was 14, they finally got some vending machines put into my school. Because of the type of school I was in, hardly anyone actually had spare money to put into these, because their parents were saving up for crap like Christmas presents. But then there were those like me, who had a job, and those were at the other end of the spectrum who just stole off other people, that would go there, see the same level of shit selection every day and give up.

So instead of clogging my body with devastating levels of sugar I ended up playing football (don't worry, made up for it in later life).

After just two years they ended up removing the vending machines, as one of them was easily broken into and people raided them almost daily, and then when a first year got angry and tipped it over, it was kind of the final straw.

Once I left school, I was kind of free. Wherever I went on a regular basis there were no vending machines. I still found them on occasion, but in various locations. I was tied to one, or committed. I was able to play the field and see what I liked.

Then almost two years ago, when we move office, there was a bright, shiny new machine. Once again I found myself in a relationship. It was very open, and I was free to use others and others were free to use it, but there was something between us. I knew that it was trying to tell me something for months, and then, finally, yesterday, I found out what it was.

I was in the kitchen getting a coffee with a friend, Brooke, and we decided to both get some sort of treat, from my vending machine (fuck yeah, three-way bitches). She settled on a pack of chocolate, put her money in, and pressed the button. The spindles turned, the packet inched its way towards the edge, and then stayed there, clinging on to the plastic at the end.

There's nothing quite so disappointing as when this happens, and it was the first time I'd seen it happen with this one. Was my machine jealous that I'd tried to share? Why had it suddenly forsaken me? After I'd spent time bigging it up to Brooke, it had set out to make me look like a fool.

And then the unexpected happened.

The little digital display said: "Error With Item" and then Brooke's money fell back out.

That's right, these fuckers, instead of investing money in improving the dispensing technology had adding something to detect in the item had dropped, and if not, automatic refund.

I nearly leant forward and kissed it, tongues and all. Finally I knew its secret.

A quick shake of the machine, pressing hard on the top, and the packet finally dropped. Sweets and money? It was like Halloween, but I didn't have to dress like a tit.

Instantly we experimented.

We put the money in, I put as much weight onto the machine as I could at the top, holding it backwards, Brooke pressed the buttons, the item didn't fall, a few seconds later the money returned, I lowered the machine and got my item.

Normally this would raise a moral question within me, but with a recession on who can be that fussy? And also, with the mark-up of at least 30% over shops, the low overhead, the rent we have to pay to just have the machine, add that together with the regular maintenance, which we also have to pay, coupled with my salary projections, carry the one, it all adds up to fuck you, I got free chocolate.

My next post will most likely be about a heart attack I'm due to have.



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Submitted by LittleMonster at 2009-08-17 17:04:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-08-12 21:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

"with the mark-up of at least 30% over shops, the low overhead, the rent we have to pay to just have the machine, add that together with the regular maintenance, which we also have to pay, coupled with my salary projections, carry the one, it all adds up to fuck you, I got free chocolate."

Yes.

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2009-08-14 11:11:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nath there is NOTHING immoral about stealing from vending machines.

That's what they're there for right?

This put a smile on my face, thanks.

Submitted by Cakes at 2009-08-14 02:19:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shadow at 2009-08-12 21:30:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"with the mark-up of at least 30% over shops, the low overhead, the rent we have to pay to just have the machine, add that together with the regular maintenance, which we also have to pay, coupled with my salary projections, carry the one, it all adds up to fuck you, I got free chocolate."

Yes.

Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge at 2009-08-12 20:27:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2009-08-12 16:44:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Liquidice281 (user info) at 2009-08-12 11:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

WTF is pence?

+

He meant fence. it's what all first world countries use as currency.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-08-12 16:03:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

*blushes, expels complicated vaginal discharge*

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-08-12 15:49:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"willy wonka opening up a brothel."

i didn't even read past that. in fact i won't in case it goes downhill from there because that's the best line ever.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-08-12 15:43:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Anytime, me lady

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-08-12 15:40:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Thanks bro!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-08-12 15:39:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Not sure how this wasn't clear when I previously said to go through my entire post history and -2 it. I really don't care how you rate me.

You just bore me.

Although well done for making a half assed attempt to insult me. At least it shows some kind of effort.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-08-12 15:34:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Deepest apologies, Nathan.

Please allow this +2 to assuage your feelings and know that in the future I will trod more carefully upon your delicate sensibilities.

It was not my intention to mock your username in a way that upsets you so.

Let us use this misunderstanding as an opportunity to build a bridge between our species.


I like what you've done with your hair, btw:

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/4/04apr23-awesome-fail.jpg

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-08-12 15:20:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-08-12 14:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

w_t_s_h_i_t_e

---

That gets funnier everytime.

But more in a Dane Cook way. You know, when you're laughing at the people who think it's amusing as opposed to the actual content.

Also, *yawn*, u is supa boring!!!!

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-08-12 14:09:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

w_t_s_h_i_t_e

Submitted by LoooseSprocket at 2009-08-12 12:15:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar at 2009-08-12 11:13:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good post, my only question though is if someone tries to order that same item after you, will the machine believe there is still an item in there, dispense nothing, and then think that it has dispensed the piece of candy that earlier failed to be dispensed but was knocked out by you?

That was phrased badly, but you get my point.

Submitted by Liquidice281 at 2009-08-12 11:10:14 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

WTF is pence?

Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold at 2009-08-12 04:31:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Once I got a copy of Pokemon Ruby by shaking it out of an arcade vending machine. +2 for reminding me of that.

Submitted by AshK at 2009-08-11 21:54:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Lib at 2009-08-11 20:23:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Loved this.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2009-08-11 19:20:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kaos-king at 2009-08-11 18:50:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-08-11 17:52:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Screwed up my rating in all the excitement.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2009-08-11 17:51:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

and finally decided that he wanted a great big fuck off bag of jelly babies
===

WHY HELLO THAR EDDIE IZZARD

Submitted by Spam at 2009-08-11 16:48:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Offspring at 2009-08-11 15:45:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Free vending is a bonus.

Submitted by Doodles at 2009-08-11 15:06:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow at 2009-08-11 15:00:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You get a lol-e-pop...

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2009-08-11 14:29:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The only talented guy here that posts on a consistent basis.

Submitted by sandmantate at 2009-08-11 13:53:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't you dare judge me for my gimp hand, or I'll take you to the glue factory.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-08-11 13:39:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-08-11 13:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-11 11:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I much enjoyed this story. Vending machines are awesome. Back in high school before every football game I cheered in, my sustenance consisted of a pack of Chex Mix, Wild Berry Skittles, a Twix bar and a 20 oz Sprite. Aaahhhhh, those were the days.

---------------------------

By "cheered in" I assume you mean "sucked off the towel boy with the gimp hand and the lazy eye".
************************************************
Well Sandman, thanks for blowing me up...I always knew your pirate patch would improve your eyesight...too bad for your gimp hand, though. :(

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-08-11 13:32:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sandmantate at 2009-08-11 13:21:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-11 11:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I much enjoyed this story. Vending machines are awesome. Back in high school before every football game I cheered in, my sustenance consisted of a pack of Chex Mix, Wild Berry Skittles, a Twix bar and a 20 oz Sprite. Aaahhhhh, those were the days.

---------------------------

By "cheered in" I assume you mean "sucked off the towel boy with the gimp hand and the lazy eye".

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-08-11 13:02:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by scourge at 2009-08-11 12:51:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ha

Submitted by gascs at 2009-08-11 12:22:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

worth reading

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-08-11 11:57:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

This was fairly entertaining but you're on Shlongy's shit list so...

Submitted by Sage at 2009-08-11 11:45:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I much enjoyed this story. Vending machines are awesome. Back in high school before every football game I cheered in, my sustenance consisted of a pack of Chex Mix, Wild Berry Skittles, a Twix bar and a 20 oz Sprite. Aaahhhhh, those were the days.

Submitted by DonovanMD at 2009-08-11 09:54:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-08-11 08:29:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

First of all, they had a vending machine "in" the swimming pool? That would pretty cool if they did.

Secondly: "That's right, these fuckers, instead of investing money in improving the dispensing technology had adding something to detect in the item had dropped, and if not, automatic refund."

I don't get this either, but here in the States, especially in places of employment they have honor slips to fill out if your item had not dropped. Instead of having a vendor take time out to fill these slips with the money you wrote on it they figured they'd install an electric sensor or "eye" to determine if the item dropped or not. The only reason I know is because I saw upper management (who happened to be ~6'7", 280lbs.) go ballistic on a machine because it took his money 3 times in a row. Needless to say the vending company got fired and all new machines put in with a new vendor.

Oh, and get a haircut you fucking hippie.


Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-08-11 08:19:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're going to starve that poor vending machine delivery man's children.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-08-11 07:58:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-11 12:32:07 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

I always thought that 'jelly babies' was just a PC term for spastics.
-------------
Ironically, a term for spastic is actually "Joey". It's from an episode of Blue Peter where they tried to raise sensitivity about callings cabbages spastics by bringing on a spastic called "Joey".

Simon Pegg said so on the Spaced commentary so it must be true.

-------------

It fits beautifully.

Berty - the voice of reason since.....since.....well, since Katy Hill left Blue Peter, and some muppett at the Beeb thought Konnie Huq would be suitable replacement fwap material.

'Twas a sad day indeed.

Submitted by firefly at 2009-08-11 07:42:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-11 07:32:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I always thought that 'jelly babies' was just a PC term for spastics.
-------------
Ironically, a term for spastic is actually "Joey". It's from an episode of Blue Peter where they tried to raise sensitivity about callings cabbages spastics by bringing on a spastic called "Joey".

Simon Pegg said so on the Spaced commentary so it must be true.

Submitted by Foolproof at 2009-08-11 07:29:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You forinerrs sure do have some funny names for that there money of yers. Pence. Boy, that's hardly a word!

PTUI!

*ting*

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-08-11 07:28:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-11 12:17:59 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-11 06:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

One of my friends Anthony was stood at the machine for ages, holding a lone twenty pence coin, looking up and down, and finally decided that he wanted a great big fuck off bag of jelly babies, which cost £2.
--------------------
bloody hell, when i was 9 or so, a large packet of jelly babies didnt cost £2!
-----------
Took the words out of my mouth. Perchance, were they magic beans?

--------------------

I always thought that 'jelly babies' was just a PC term for spastics.

Can you eat jelly babies?

My colleagues are now officially on the menu, and it's all Berty's and EI's fault.

Submitted by Berty at 2009-08-11 07:17:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-11 06:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

One of my friends Anthony was stood at the machine for ages, holding a lone twenty pence coin, looking up and down, and finally decided that he wanted a great big fuck off bag of jelly babies, which cost £2.
--------------------
bloody hell, when i was 9 or so, a large packet of jelly babies didnt cost £2!
-----------
Took the words out of my mouth. Perchance, were they magic beans?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-08-11 07:00:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

also i once urinated into a vending amchine when I was drunk, sorry.

Submitted by pandora at 2009-08-11 06:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks for the tips. I usually just stick my arm up in the hole and grab whatever I want, but you can't do that with some of the newer machines. I'll have to give your idea a try.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-08-11 06:56:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One of my friends Anthony was stood at the machine for ages, holding a lone twenty pence coin, looking up and down, and finally decided that he wanted a great big fuck off bag of jelly babies, which cost £2.
--------------------
bloody hell, when i was 9 or so, a large packet of jelly babies didnt cost £2!

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-08-11 06:56:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Exactly how big is a "great big fuck off bag of jelly babies" anyway?

I used to take issue with some of the hospital's vending machines. Or rather, the placement of them.

I'm sorry but placing vending machines around outpatient waiting areas may have been lucrative, but with our lower SES and dangerously morbidly obese (and usually diabetic) clientele, it just seemed obscene and unfair.


Kind of like putting a vending machine that dispenses tiny bottles of liquor inside the meeting hall of AA.

While some may see $$ signs in a situation like that, I see a large chunk of one's soul getting sucked into the void.


Hello, Nate.


That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and
party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can
find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of
this rut and back into the groove!

-- Homer Simpson
Homerpalooza