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Omega (3)...now with shameless camwhore!!

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-29 21:46:44 EDT
Rating: 0.78 on 58 ratings (58 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I am, against my better judgment, browsing through the online profiles of myriad 27-30 year old men in my area. I see your profile. You’re pretty good looking, and despite the grammatical errors polluting your profile…despite the near-insatiable urge to hold this against you, I email you. Maybe because we were paired up by The System; maybe because you showed the first indicator of interest…maybe because I am realizing that my fears are reality and that there is no stopping the present. Perhaps I just want to be distracted again, although I know I’m not ready for this step and don’t know when I will be. But I email you regardless. And the next day I have a bright shiny reply, from none other than you, waiting for me in my inbox.

Reminiscent of your profile, your email is plagued with grammatical errors and “txt spk” and as I wade through this bullshit…every turn of phrase similar to “so, u like going 2 the movies?” it’s all I can do to not convulsively twitch and compulsively roll my eyes…gritting my teeth and sighing in annoyance. In spite of myself, I am cheery and polite in my response to you. Our banter is mediocre at best. You’re far from intelligent, that’s for damn sure. You’re not very interesting, either. But I guess I like that you’re athletic, and you seem to have your shit together…you’re a homeowner, and you have a steady career you seem content with.

I suppose you’re holding my interest enough to keep the emails going back and forth for a few weeks, until you pose the inevitable question I would have never asked: “so, when do u wanna meet up?” I offer a couple of evenings the next week, when I know I may or may not get asked to hang out by Him, hoping you’ll pick the one He’ll most likely ask me to come over, just so that I can tell Him I have plans. Luckily for me, you respond the next day with “Thursday works best 4 me since I’ll b in Chicago 4 work until then.” Thursday it is.

We agree to meet, at lucky fucking seven o’clock in the evening, at a local bar I used to frequent but no longer do due to the shitty service and whack rules they’ve only recently implemented. Not to mention there’s a bartender that works there, an ex of His, who hates me. She gives me a look upon my entry, as a matter of fact, I attempt to wave hello and smile but she rolls her eyes and looks away. Fucking of course…what a bitch. Moving on…to this…the first date. God, I hate these situations. We actually have interesting conversation over spin dip and tortilla chips and beer (oh my)…and by interesting conversation, I mean we talk sports. Shit, that’s almost all we talked about over email. At least he likes the same football team as I do, I guess. But to be honest, I like the back and forth of smack talking another’s team. His team.

You notice that I’m only have one beer…I tell you it’s because I’m too hungover from the night before to drink much. I leave out the “why”. As far as you’re concerned, it’s irrelevant, but it’s been infecting my mind since the night before last, when He…well, when it all came to an end between us. It’s still on my mind…an uninterrupted, maddening sliver of a thought. But we’re here to focus…to make an effort, to give a chance. And it works, briefly; superficially, at least. This is supposed to be a salve; a much needed lull in the hot race of getting over Him. So we agree to meet again. And I’m actually kind of looking forward to it.

Dinner and a movie on Wednesday at 7ish? Sure, why the hell not. Oh, and you’re picking me up? What a gentleman! This is different from what I’m accustomed to, and I could certainly get used to this treatment. You look handsome and smell good, and I’m surprised at how attracted to you I am. I’m shocked that I was looking forward to this date, and that I even took the extra time to primp beforehand. You pay for my meal and let me grab your arm during the scary parts of the movie, and I’m looking forward to our next…third…date on Friday, just two short days away. You call, email, and text when you say you will, and you seem interested in me…and in spite of myself, I’m actually pretty interested in you, too. I actually kiss you goodnight as I tell you I had a fantastic time and declare I’m so excited to meet your friends and go to this surprise party we’re planning to attend.

You pick me up again, my…this is nice. We make light conversation as you drive to your friend’s house downtown. Your friend and his girlfriend are cool enough, and so are the others that meet up with us later. But this is where you start to shit the bed; this is where you begin to fail me. Drink after drink after drink has you putting your arm around me…telling me how lucky you are that you met me…trying to kiss me in front of everyone, trying to get me to dance I front of people I don’t know…just altogether making me uncomfortable with your now evident, weak ass signs of desperation. I keep looking at my phone, hoping He’ll text or call to see what I’m up to.

God, when the hell is this party going to end? I didn’t drive, I just want to get the hell out of here but because you drove me, I feel obligated to stay. We didn’t even drive to the party, we got a ride from someone who’s not even here. 12am, 1am, 2am, 3am…they all drag out as my sleepiness grows in opposite proportion to my patience. Finally, I convince you that it’s a good idea to leave…you call a cab, and we wait outside. You tell me again how lucky you are, how beautiful I am…that it’s probably too soon to say this…but…you’re not seeing anyone else. I don’t respond. You look at me, expecting something…anything. I mumble something about not seeing others either, because at the moment, it’s the truth. But it’s not necessarily going to be. Why did I say that? Ugh.

After a seeming eternity the cab arrives. I ramble on to the cab driver about politics, you pass out in a drunken stupor. We arrive at my house, and a kiss at the door stoop isn’t sufficient. You want to escort me inside, and give me another kiss. This is ridiculous. Too much, too soon. This is the alpha of the omega, friend, you’ve reached it.

Sigh.

I suppose at least now I know my limit. I got further with you than I did with any of the other suckers; I suppose that’s a step in the right direction. I actually appreciated the fact that you treated me well, at least initially. I thoroughly enjoyed your company, at least for the first two and a half dates. These are the thoughts that dawn on me as the night goes to rest and the sun rubs the sleep out of its eyes.

Tired, I ready myself for bed, all too aware of the fact that none of them will ever be Him…no, not one. I crawl into bed and allow myself to rest in peaceful acceptance of that fact. Tomorrow I’ll take another step, the next day another, and the day after that…yet another. He told me to walk away, He told me to leave. So I suppose all that’s left to do is keep walking.


*******************************


I break hearts not faces.jpg
I break hearts not faces.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Sage at 2010-02-06 18:34:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2010-02-02 13:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

You're about due an Omega (4), I reckon. Who knows, who cares?
***********************
No Omega (4)...yet.

Can't say I don't kinda miss ya. Can't say I do, either. ;)

Submitted by Procon at 2010-02-02 14:42:41 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I don't think you could get a baboon to cum in your mouth.

You could probably get Sico too, though.

Submitted by GroundHorse at 2010-02-02 14:28:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Give those guys a break, and do a lesbian gig.

NO, not with mum.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-02-02 13:15:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You're about due an Omega (4), I reckon. Who knows, who cares?

Submitted by cheerios at 2010-01-04 22:56:20 EST (#)
Rating: 1

not bad.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-01-04 20:23:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Where have you been gal? I have missed your posts and photos....

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-11-04 20:08:36 EST (#)
Rating: -2

If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything.

So, I will shut the fuck up , this time.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-11-04 13:01:32 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Please do wear a burka in all future camwhores, you half-mule hosebeast

Submitted by JonnyX at 2009-11-04 12:45:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-11-02 13:09:28 PST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-10-30 15:38:17 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I know, right? Fuck, man. I thought His love was everlasting and unconditional and shit.

Since it's not, I've chosen a new faith.


Laa ilaha illa Allah, wa Muhammadu Rasul Allah!!!
----
ok, that was funny, you should repost this, but draw a burka over your face - epic lulz will ensue
----
wtf, I can still see you....

Submitted by JonnyX at 2009-11-02 16:09:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-10-30 15:38:17 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I know, right? Fuck, man. I thought His love was everlasting and unconditional and shit.

Since it's not, I've chosen a new faith.


Laa ilaha illa Allah, wa Muhammadu Rasul Allah!!!
----
ok, that was funny, you should repost this, but draw a burka over your face - epic lulz will ensue

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-11-02 15:57:36 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by precision (user info) at 2009-11-02 15:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

You look alot like my 3rd wife

===========

My condolences

Submitted by Digame at 2009-11-02 15:49:59 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Can you blame "Him" for leaving?

Submitted by precision at 2009-11-02 15:17:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You look alot like my 3rd wife

Submitted by X54 at 2009-11-02 14:34:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2009-10-31 06:43:27 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-10-31 05:17:37 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

You'd attract a better class of guy if you weren't so ugly.
------------
That's NOT what I said. How can you judge a woman's appearance without seeing her tits?

Submitted by Sage at 2009-11-01 20:24:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

At least I gave dude the courtesy call this afternoon to tell him I was no longer interested. Yay me, mothershitters.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2009-11-01 15:28:15 EST (#)
Rating: -2

You're gross

Submitted by stone8946 at 2009-10-31 09:43:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-10-31 05:17:37 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

You'd attract a better class of guy if you weren't so ugly.

Submitted by X54 at 2009-10-31 01:17:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You'd attract a better class of guy if you just showed your tits a little more often.

Submitted by paxilliona at 2009-10-30 21:21:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2



Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-10-30 20:27:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Beware the Wahabi, Sage. Beware the Wahabi.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-30 18:38:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I know, right? Fuck, man. I thought His love was everlasting and unconditional and shit.

Since it's not, I've chosen a new faith.


Laa ilaha illa Allah, wa Muhammadu Rasul Allah!!!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2009-10-30 17:03:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you got dumped by Jesus?...o wow, sux 2 B u, d00d.


Your pic seems to indicate that when a gentleman caller invites you out to 'strap on the ol' feedbag', that is a literal invitation.

Submitted by 8bithero at 2009-10-30 16:33:44 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

CANNOT BE UNSEEN!

Submitted by RoadSong at 2009-10-30 14:28:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Tired, I ready myself for bed, all too aware of the fact that none of them will ever be Him...no, not one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't lose hope kiddo. Someone will come along that you like as much as Him.

Nice to see another photo of you.

Submitted by iambetteratit at 2009-10-30 14:00:18 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You have been notified, if the hair does not return to blonde with 1 week (7 callender days) You will be removed from the spank bank. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Submitted by scourge at 2009-10-30 13:28:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i hate what you've done with your hair.

Submitted by Mr.Bun at 2009-10-30 13:20:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I true gentleman wouldn't take you to a drunken party. He would take for lively and inspiring conversation over a hot cup of Tea!

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-10-30 12:33:37 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Better get on with it. Your looks aren't getting better with age, and you didn't exactly start at the head of the herd to begin with, if you catch my drift.

xoxo

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-10-30 11:48:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2009-10-30 11:42:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-30 14:39:55 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

you have a face that says "cum in my mouth"

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-10-30 11:40:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Dude, I can understand not fuckin' on a first date - but the 3rd date is for getting laid.

I hate to say it, but you failed him.

<3

Submitted by vexx at 2009-10-30 11:30:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by BubbaEarl at 2009-10-30 10:48:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i've found shergar!

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2009-10-30 10:39:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you have a face that says "cum in my mouth"

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2009-10-30 09:02:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

tl;dr

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2009-10-30 08:01:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think you need to purchase a sybian and get to know YOU for awhile...

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2009-10-30 07:50:44 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

shave your mustache.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-10-30 07:48:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

therefore it was you being an ass in dating this guy in the first palce if you arent still over another guy

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-10-30 07:42:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

wrong??

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-30 07:40:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Ha! Wrong, EI, and TuTs.

I'm just not over someone and dating people too soon, in a vain attempt to distract myself. I'll be over it--Him--eventually, and I'll resume an at least quasi-normal dating life.

For those that gave "good" advice, thanks. :)

Submitted by JoeyG at 2009-10-30 07:32:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'll +2 this on the presumption that you let me ride my bicycle across your teeth.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-10-30 07:28:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*snore*

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-10-30 07:08:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

having just read this, you come across as a self infatuated, arrogant princess.


he was fucking drunk!


I bet you are the kinda girl who stumbled upon the works of poet Sylvia Plath. Became infatuated with despair, suicide, self harm and general hatred for the world. Then associated yourself with 'select' groups of highly 'misunderstood' and 'unique' individuals. Slept with all their boyfriends but refused to give them Blow Jobs and vanished back to your lair.

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-10-30 06:33:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't think he did anything that bad, did he sage?

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2009-10-30 06:25:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Women are crazy.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2009-10-30 06:21:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-10-30 05:02:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1



you would come in handy on a date with me! i hate it when the ringpull falls off my tin of tuna

Submitted by ridiculous at 2009-10-30 02:44:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

In my opinion you have the choice:
1) You go the shameless rout, you put up with drunken guys at 3am parties drunkenly trying to get a kiss (or as much as you will let them take)or...
2) You forget about it - literally. Keep yourself occupied doing whatever it is that you do and don't even consider the opposite sex and for whatever screwed up reason - they come flocking. Ever since I have expatriated (I work overseas in 4 month rotations) I have never received so many missed calls, emails, texts - random women I knew a few years back showing up at my house asking my brother how to get in touch with me. It is wierd as hell, when I was home I was lonely, once I gave up on the notion and started concentrating on my life and career they are beating down the door.

Whatever you decide - best of luck and whatever you do ditch "him" looking back just prolonges the agony.

Submitted by GodChicken at 2009-10-29 23:32:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I will respond via other channels.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2009-10-29 22:17:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


*ejaculates*

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-29 22:14:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Only if it's a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2009-10-29 22:12:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


My mistake. I'll admit, when I first saw you smile I wasn't sure if I should smile back or kick a field goal.


With that said, think we could get together for a cup of coffee and take our pants off?

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-29 22:05:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It's "MARES Gone Wild", Matt, SHEESH.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2009-10-29 22:04:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Didn't I see you on another dating website "Horses Gone Wild"?

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-29 22:03:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

For the record...when I've decided that I'm no longer interested in a guy, I do give him a courtesy text (phone call if it's been more than three dates, which it never has until the subject of this story) saying there's no spark and that I'm no longer interested. They always always always thank me for the honesty and leave me alone from that point on.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-29 22:01:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Eh, I tried it for a bit last year but it yielded nothing. I went for 6 months without sex and fucked the "Him" of this story for a few months before it blew up in my face. I am really only doing it to distract myself from this bitch of a healing process.

I've met some decent, albeit desperate, guys. They're nice enough, but there's a reason they're doing the online dating thing. I officially give up. My membership's about to expire anyway, thank God.

Submitted by Ducky at 2009-10-29 21:58:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You say things to people to get them off of your back in the moment even though you know in the back of your mind you're making it worse down the road. Whether or not we are proud to admit it, we have ALL been there.

Have you been doing this online dating thing for long or is this your first time trying it? I have an aunt who wants to try it out. She says that after 5 years without sex you become re-virginized...something akin to having your tires re-treaded.

Submitted by Sage at 2009-10-29 21:54:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

No I DIDN'T dye my hair darker, you bunch of fucking idiots.

And YES, I resorted to online dating. The devil of my former roommate made me do it.


Hey, if you want wild bears eatin' your children and scarin' your
salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with
me?

-- Homer Simpson
Much Apu About Nothing