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Couging Out: A Brief How-to

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 14:29:00 EST
Rating: 1.44 on 56 ratings (56 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

A couple of things occur to me as I sit here in my underwear in the middle of the afternoon: First, I need to turn up the heat in here. Second, I love younger men. Now that I'm full-swing into my 30's, I have embraced the inner cougar which has always been there waiting to pounce, so to speak. What men have known for eons is that younger sex partners are just flat-out better. So ladies, it's time for us to exploit this same conclusion and get ours. Below is your basic younger men primer - Cougar 101 if you will. I wish you safe and happy couging!

I. First and most importantly - and this should go without saying, but one can never be too cautious - keep it legal! That 16 year old Home Depot clerk may look grown-up, but it's just a sexy, sexy mirage. And regardless of what you may have heard from Nancy Grace and the E! Network, women ARE prosecuted for sex with minors. To give in to temptation in this area would be to further tarnish the already somewhat tarnished name of the cougar, so please give heed to your better judgment. Ask for ID if you have to.

II. Know where to look. There's a reason bars are called "watering holes" - they are where you, the cougar, are likely to find the largest concentration and widest variety of prey. (Caveat: easy on the drinks. Drunk cougar-bait is fine. Drunk cougar is unable to maintain the razor-sharp eyes and instincts necessary to hunt in the wild. If you find yourself entertaining the idea of Jagermeister, it's time to cool it.) Sporting events are not only a total gas on their own merits, but are also a smorgasbord of testosterone-flooded 19 to 24 year olds just waiting for you to coug out on them. Based on my personal experience, I recommend college football, pro baseball, charity golf tournaments (also a good resource for gold-diggers, but that's a different primer altogether), and farm-league hockey.

III. Manage expectations. Your typical cougar-bait is probably accustomed to the proclivities of women his own age: debilitating insecurity, bouts of flightiness, binge drinking, confusing sex with love, etc. He may be flummoxed as to your intentions at first, so patience and clarity of communication are important. In other words, a successful cougar is a blunt cougar. Once the formalities of polite interaction have been dispensed with, being coy is a waste of everyone's time. If he doesn't seem immediately receptive to your invitation to come over for sex and then leave, he does not "get it" and is not a viable couging candidate. Move on.

IV. Do not forget that couging is essentially a sport. As such, rules must be followed, or penalties will be assessed. It may be tempting to try and dehumanize your chosen cougar-bait or make him into a sex slave, but this is neither ethical nor advisable. Additional flags on the following plays: demanding undying fidelity, asking for large time commitments, and soliciting protracted discussions about "feelings" and "where this is going." The boundary between cougar and needy girlfriend must be respected. Repeated forays out of bounds will result in you being permanently benched. OK, I'm done with the strained football metaphors now. Think of it this way: what are your, the cougar's, chief advantages over younger women? (Hint: see paragraph III.) The endgame is good sex, not a committed relationship and marriage. By definition, good cougar-bait is not marriage material for you.

So these are merely the basics as I see them - feel free to add anything I may have missed. However, with these guidelines as your foundation, you are well-equipped to make your own strategy for catching and devouring something tasty. Enjoy!


cougars.jpg
cougars.jpg


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Submitted by Anglophile at 2015-09-21 05:43:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lisa at 2013-05-30 09:31:40 MDT (#)
Rating: -2
...................

Who is this Lisa bitch, and is she always such a cunt?
I liked the post.

Submitted by lisa at 2013-05-30 11:31:40 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by iddqd at 2010-02-05 07:25:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

i think this is a great fuckin read, and its awesome to know that women do actually get smarter.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2010-02-05 04:22:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I have no idea how to respond to that except to say that yes, this is entirely tongue-in-cheek.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-05 03:52:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

: demanding undying fidelity, asking for large time commitments, and soliciting protracted discussions about "feelings" and "where this is going." The boundary between cougar and needy girlfriend must be respected.
~~~
I know this is tongue in cheek but I don't think expecting faithfulness, commitment or talking about feelings is being a needy girlfriend. It's called being in love.
I totally upped my rank though as we are fb fwends :)

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2010-02-05 01:08:00 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'll pass but if you're offering cash I might be convinced to reconsider. Let's start the bidding at $10 and a biscuit with grape jelly.

Submitted by TheJesusStrangler at 2010-02-05 00:50:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I did not read any of that past the first sentence, but if you look decent and have a vagina I'll fuck you. For free.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2010-01-04 14:05:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

god yes cougars

Submitted by HellRazer at 2010-01-02 22:38:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-12-30 18:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-12-30 10:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

1. Undies in the afternoon. HOT! Don't turn up the heat, you ARE the heat.
2. As a 29yo who recently had a tryst with a 47yo, I have to agree that couging is mutually beneficial.
3. I'd have to agree with most of what you said here.
4. GET OFF THE INTERNET MOM! ;)
------------
47?! Well done! I'm proud of you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks! I do what I can!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2010-01-02 00:13:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

damn girl, i love you

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2009-12-31 07:41:53 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-12-31 06:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

"Manther"
**********************

That sounds like either a very lean 47 year old with waaaay too many tattoos or like a clothing brand that specializes in skinny jeans and tight plaid that only men who not-as-secretly-as-they-should write poetry and think Pabst is cool.tut tut and tsk tsk

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-12-31 06:16:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-12-30 10:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

This post gave me a half-boner.

What is it called when an older man bangs younger women.....


....creepy?......oh.......damn.
===
"Manther"

Submitted by BranDo at 2009-12-31 05:36:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-12-30 09:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

"What men have known for eons is that younger sex partners are just flat-out better."

Not my experience.


Not mine either and my wife ain't no cougar, she's plain hot and lucky!

Submitted by cheerios at 2009-12-30 21:23:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-30 18:30:57 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-12-30 10:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

1. Undies in the afternoon. HOT! Don't turn up the heat, you ARE the heat.
2. As a 29yo who recently had a tryst with a 47yo, I have to agree that couging is mutually beneficial.
3. I'd have to agree with most of what you said here.
4. GET OFF THE INTERNET MOM! ;)
------------
47?! Well done! I'm proud of you.

Submitted by sandmantate at 2009-12-30 17:09:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You have my e-mail, I'll give you my address. Come over and Coug on me.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2009-12-30 12:06:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This just made me want to abase myself for you.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2009-12-30 10:49:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This post gave me a half-boner.

What is it called when an older man bangs younger women.....


....creepy?......oh.......damn.




Submitted by HellRazer at 2009-12-30 10:43:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1. Undies in the afternoon. HOT! Don't turn up the heat, you ARE the heat.
2. As a 29yo who recently had a tryst with a 47yo, I have to agree that couging is mutually beneficial.
3. I'd have to agree with most of what you said here.
4. GET OFF THE INTERNET MOM! ;)

Submitted by lungfish at 2009-12-30 09:27:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"What men have known for eons is that younger sex partners are just flat-out better."

Not my experience.

Submitted by corn nugget at 2009-12-30 08:53:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I always find myself dating younger men. I quit dating, though.

Submitted by TuTs at 2009-12-30 06:08:27 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I was 19, J was 25, we went to a local bar. There I met his ex, she was the same age as my mum. *vomit* There is something so wrong with that.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2009-12-30 06:06:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Im 30 in 6 months, time is running out

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2009-12-29 23:31:30 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-12-29 21:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I think I am past the age to be a cougar, sorry I missed this trend.
*********

You never know until you try. Besides us youngins with our fancy ipods always have large selections of music to set the mood and give us that better rythm.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 21:36:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Well Lib, that's the beauty of couging. You're really never too old to bang a younger dude.

Submitted by Lib at 2009-12-29 21:34:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think I am past the age to be a cougar, sorry I missed this trend.

Submitted by willartstorg at 2009-12-29 21:23:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-12-29 20:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-12-29 19:16:36 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-12-29 15:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Once we gals hit 30, we're ready for the pasture apparently.
***

not for one's with tits

=====

:*(
=============
Tits. A couple of small glands surrounded by fat. Sgt Hartmann??

Don't you worry FG, a brain is better that tits anytime.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-12-29 20:35:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-12-29 19:16:36 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-12-29 15:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Once we gals hit 30, we're ready for the pasture apparently.
***

not for one's with tits

=====

:*(


Submitted by joedaddy at 2009-12-29 20:16:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-12-29 15:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Once we gals hit 30, we're ready for the pasture apparently.
***

not for one's with tits

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-12-29 19:36:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

SWEET! I'm IN, fuckers! Read it and weep.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 19:36:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Thanks Shlongy. I'd make an exception for ya... Probably.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2009-12-29 19:34:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

NOW THAT'S ONE BIG COUGAR!















Relax...just kidding...I'd let you do me...probably.

Enjoy cougar life.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2009-12-29 18:46:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You're in Athens? Well, fuck. I was there a few weeks ago, the weekend the Eagles spanked Atlanta in their house. I stayed in Comer. I thought of you once I got down there, thought you were in ATL.

Cougars=40s in my book. But a couple years back I had a thing with a hot piece of 22 year old and I regret nothing. He's my friend's brother so we hang out all the time and it's long over, but damn that was fun.

Submitted by wardy at 2009-12-29 17:59:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i'm not sure where i fall in anymore as being prey or what have you, so this really confused me. i used to bang around with a a 36 year old chick. that was pretty sweet.


i also rode a horse in naples three years ago. i don't know what that has to do with this, other than that chick used to call me her horse or something. i can't remember, i did a lot of experimentation with hallucinigenics and mma back then.

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2009-12-29 17:53:40 EST (#)
Rating: 0

as a 22 year old with a jolly on for older women I aprove of this!

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 16:50:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0

1st syllable of "cougar" followed by -ing. I apologize for any confusion.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2009-12-29 16:28:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I read "Couging" to rhyme with "gouging", decided it was a typo of "Coughing", and then got rather confused for a minute as I read. "Couging" to rhyme with... uh... "booging"? Maybe?

+2gar

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-12-29 16:12:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-12-29 15:08:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

hahha, poor forensicgranny43. All you need now is to get McCallum to hook you up with a plethora of cats and you can get on with life being the "crazy old cat lady".


====

Well on my way. Got two now! I even have a couple of pictures of them tacked up in my cube @ work. I ask you, is there anything more...I dunno pathetic...than that?




I love No1. He brings out my inner battered woman.



Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-12-29 16:08:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahha, poor forensicgranny43. All you need now is to get McCallum to hook you up with a plethora of cats and you can get on with life being the "crazy old cat lady".

Submitted by scourge at 2009-12-29 16:01:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha, you're old

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2009-12-29 15:51:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I dunno. I thought about becoming one but ultimately I said fuck it and went on about the business of being old.

Besides, it seems like to be a successful cougar, you have to be a wealthy Hollywood celebrity. Commoners like myself don't have the luxury of purchasing a pretty playmate.


This is what hits on me these days.

1) Old men. And I mean semi-elderly widowers. I feel bad for them. They want companionship and an eventual nurse but I just can't roll with that.

2) Single dads who are my age. These guys usually have two or more surly TEENAGED kids, a psycho ex-wife, and are way in over their heads. And when they find out you yourself don't have children and are therefore blissfully unencumbered, watch out! You can smell the desperation oozing from their pores.

3) The so-called "cougar hunters" who want an older (than themselves) woman to show them the ropes, so to speak. This would be okay but they're usually quite immature and haven't learned even the rudimentary social skills needed to snag a shag. Too much work, yo.




Besides, I think the evolutionary, younger mates are better, applies only to the men. Once we gals hit 30, we're ready for the pasture apparently.


But, good luck with the hunt anyway! :)

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-12-29 15:42:42 EST (#)
Rating: 0

rock on, lemme go find my blue pills first.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2009-12-29 15:39:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2


In a weird way, I think I could spank to this.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2009-12-29 15:33:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-12-29 14:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

I can't relate to this at all. I love older men, the older the better.
Well not pensioners but ya know

=======================

Can't relate? Oh please, you vertically challenged slag. We all know you'll take any old (or young) cock you can get.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 15:29:51 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-12-29 15:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

When I first saw this posted, I thought it read "Coming Out: A Primer" and thought you'd gone lesbo.
<Insert joke here>

After reading however, this was awesome, and I wish you best of hunting. Are you still living in the ATL area, or have you moved your predations elsewhere?
--------------------
While I've never fully ruled it out, I haven't made the switch to lesbo-ism. Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed. I'm still living in ATL but at the moment, I am in Athens (choice cougar destination), house- and pet-sitting for friends who are out of town.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-12-29 15:25:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

oh shut it crinkles, you know I am totally hot for you. Get the great grand kids to bed and I'll cvyber with you :P

Submitted by FALLEN at 2009-12-29 15:20:43 EST (#)
Rating: 0

**checks birth certificate**
(2009 minus the six....carry the one..)

woo hoo I'm like older and stuff.

excelent!!!!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2009-12-29 15:16:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

When I first saw this posted, I thought it read "Coming Out: A Primer" and thought you'd gone lesbo.
<Insert joke here>

After reading however, this was awesome, and I wish you best of hunting. Are you still living in the ATL area, or have you moved your predations elsewhere?

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 14:54:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

It's all good. Couging is definitely not for everyone.

Submitted by orphelia at 2009-12-29 14:52:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I can't relate to this at all. I love older men, the older the better.
Well not pensioners but ya know.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 14:49:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2009-12-29 14:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

In summary,

ATTN 20 y.o. men on the internet: PLZ PAY ATTN 2 ME
------------------
Of course! The Internet! I forgot to list that in paragraph II. How silly of me.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 14:47:00 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-12-29 14:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Do you want me to fuck you? You didn't need to make a post about it for that to happen, fyi.
----------------
Thanks but you're too old for me to coug out on.

Submitted by gascs at 2009-12-29 14:45:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

In summary,

ATTN 20 y.o. men on the internet: PLZ PAY ATTN 2 ME

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2009-12-29 14:44:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Do you want me to fuck you? You didn't need to make a post about it for that to happen, fyi.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-12-29 14:35:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Sorry, I didn't read most of it, lack of ground horse and all them words made it impossible to delve too deeply into the text.

I do hope somewhere in there you mentioned proper display of ample couger cleavage - possibly the greatest weapon in the arsonal.

If so, I think it bears repeating.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 14:29:19 EST (#)
Rating: 0

REPOST


Michael:
Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons.

Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.

Stark Raving Dad