Couging Out: A Brief How-toSubmitted by Fucking foul at 2009-12-29 14:29:00 EST
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A couple of things occur to me as I sit here in my underwear in the middle of the afternoon: First, I need to turn up the heat in here. Second, I love younger men. Now that I'm full-swing into my 30's, I have embraced the inner cougar which has always been there waiting to pounce, so to speak. What men have known for eons is that younger sex partners are just flat-out better. So ladies, it's time for us to exploit this same conclusion and get ours. Below is your basic younger men primer - Cougar 101 if you will. I wish you safe and happy couging!
I. First and most importantly - and this should go without saying, but one can never be too cautious - keep it legal! That 16 year old Home Depot clerk may look grown-up, but it's just a sexy, sexy mirage. And regardless of what you may have heard from Nancy Grace and the E! Network, women ARE prosecuted for sex with minors. To give in to temptation in this area would be to further tarnish the already somewhat tarnished name of the cougar, so please give heed to your better judgment. Ask for ID if you have to.
II. Know where to look. There's a reason bars are called "watering holes" - they are where you, the cougar, are likely to find the largest concentration and widest variety of prey. (Caveat: easy on the drinks. Drunk cougar-bait is fine. Drunk cougar is unable to maintain the razor-sharp eyes and instincts necessary to hunt in the wild. If you find yourself entertaining the idea of Jagermeister, it's time to cool it.) Sporting events are not only a total gas on their own merits, but are also a smorgasbord of testosterone-flooded 19 to 24 year olds just waiting for you to coug out on them. Based on my personal experience, I recommend college football, pro baseball, charity golf tournaments (also a good resource for gold-diggers, but that's a different primer altogether), and farm-league hockey.
III. Manage expectations. Your typical cougar-bait is probably accustomed to the proclivities of women his own age: debilitating insecurity, bouts of flightiness, binge drinking, confusing sex with love, etc. He may be flummoxed as to your intentions at first, so patience and clarity of communication are important. In other words, a successful cougar is a blunt cougar. Once the formalities of polite interaction have been dispensed with, being coy is a waste of everyone's time. If he doesn't seem immediately receptive to your invitation to come over for sex and then leave, he does not "get it" and is not a viable couging candidate. Move on.
IV. Do not forget that couging is essentially a sport. As such, rules must be followed, or penalties will be assessed. It may be tempting to try and dehumanize your chosen cougar-bait or make him into a sex slave, but this is neither ethical nor advisable. Additional flags on the following plays: demanding undying fidelity, asking for large time commitments, and soliciting protracted discussions about "feelings" and "where this is going." The boundary between cougar and needy girlfriend must be respected. Repeated forays out of bounds will result in you being permanently benched. OK, I'm done with the strained football metaphors now. Think of it this way: what are your, the cougar's, chief advantages over younger women? (Hint: see paragraph III.) The endgame is good sex, not a committed relationship and marriage. By definition, good cougar-bait is not marriage material for you.
So these are merely the basics as I see them - feel free to add anything I may have missed. However, with these guidelines as your foundation, you are well-equipped to make your own strategy for catching and devouring something tasty. Enjoy!