Fly : Shit :: (Pick One)Submitted by Sage at 2010-02-04 20:08:25 EST
Rating: 1.38 on 57 ratings (57 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
A) Sage : Ubersite
B) You : Sage post
Now that THAT's out of the way, here's a true story.
So I moved to downtown Richmond, VA; specifically, the Manchester district. The Manchester district is just over the James River, and here you'll find a number of old factories turned loft apartments. The original hardwood flooring could use a good refinishing, but my apartment has high ceilings and huge windows with a gorgeous view of the Richmond city skyline. The Manchester district isn't a very established area. As a matter of fact, my building is pretty damn close to some of the rougher parts of Richmond. A couple weeks ago, my brother visited with his girlfriend and they heard someone empty a .40 clip right outside the building. When I walked him to his truck the next morning, we found 9 of the (likely 13) shells, most within a 2-3 foot radius of his truck.
To make matters worse, rent here is pretty inexpensive, which is part of the reason I chose this specific building. It's my first time living alone in this city (I lived alone for some time in Lynchburg) so I wanted something I could manage financially speaking...I didn't want to be broke all the time. That said, there are a ton of fucking weirdos in my building. One in particular lived right next to me. He called himself "Dave".
One morning right before Christmas, I walked out of my apartment to head to work, and found Dave crouching just outside my apartment, just inside his apartment doorway. I was a bit startled...our doors are so close that when I go to unlock mine, my left arm is nearly touching his...but I said "good morning," and went about my business. The very next morning, at the same time, I walked out my door, again heading to work. Dave again was crouching inside his apartment; however this time, he was not wearing any clothing. I think I probably did a double take, mumbled a good morning, and went about my business. I almost texted one of my girlfriends "uh...definitely just saw my creepy fucking neighbor NAKED right outside my door..." but then thought...meh...maybe it's just a coincidence, maybe he likes to walk around his apartment naked (shit...I do). Who gives a fuck, right?
A couple days after that, on a Monday, I had begun my Christmas vacation and did not have to work. I was having furniture delivered and saw him in the elevator holding a couple of bar stools. At first, I did not realize it was my neighbor (since he was actually CLOTHED and wearing a hat), and I complimented the bar stools. After some small talk...me mentioning that I was expecting furniture that day and him mentioning that he lived alone and that it was hard to move furniture by yourself, I asked what apartment he lived in. "417", he said. I probably made a weird face realizing that it was him I had seen naked the other day, and it was kind of a long walk back to my own apartment.
Later that night, I got a knock on the door. Just before that, I had actually gotten the first phone call from the guy I'm seeing and when I saw that it was my creepy neighbor through the peephole, I decided to ignore him and continue our telephone conversation. After about 30 minutes, and Dave still knocking on the door, I ended the conversation and opened the door. There stood Dave, wearing a wife beater and some boxers, fully erect. "Do you have any lotion?" he said. I was a bit aghast of the situation, and being the complete dunce that I am, I stammered, "sure...hang on a sec." I bolt-locked the door and got a bottle of lotion, unlocked the door, and handed it to him, and quickly closed and re-bolted the door. I ended up telling the security guard (off-duty Richmond City Police) what happened, and the officer said she would pay him a visit, telling him to leave me alone. I thought it was a bit excessive, and felt kind of bad for the guy.
Anyway, Christmas came and went. The next weekend, I was alone at my apartment watching the Steelers/Ravens game, when I got yet another knock on the door. I looked out the peephole again, and saw that it was none other than Dave. I could see that he was clothed, so I figured that maybe he was just trying to apologize for creeping me out the other day. When I opened the door, I discovered that Dave was completely pantsless and jacking off. He actually asked, "do you want your lotion back?", to which I replied, "no...and you're gonna have to stop coming to my door like this," and slammed the door in his face.
I ended up calling the non-emergency police number and pressed charges. Dave's real name is unpronounceable by me. He's been evicted from my building. My Dad gave me a Smith & Wesson .38 special 5 round revolver, which I've shot twice at the gun range here. We had court this week and he got the case continued so he could speak with his lawyer.
I can't say I'm not curious as to how he could turn this around and I can't say I'm not worried about it. I guess all I can do is tell the truth. I cant decide whether or not I want to stay in this building, or even this part of town.
Anyway, no Sage post would be complete without a camwhore, right? Since I've been away for some time, have a couple.
No I DONT have any lotion.jpg