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How to raise a toddler in 15 easy steps

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 10:05:31 EST
Rating: 1.6 on 93 ratings (93 reviews) (V)

1. Remove any discs from the DVD player. Scratch thoroughly until rendered completely unusable. Proceed to stuff bread crusts, cake and soggy half chewed biscuits into the loading slot. This will save you valuable time waiting for your toddler to do it. Little inquisitive fingers can remove any DVD player lock with the skill of a Hungarian pickpocket, do not waste money on such inventions.

2. Remove any item with value or sentiment from a height of up to 3ft (6ft if they can climb). Better still, just rid your home of pretty ornaments and nice objects (allowing more room for their gaudy, plastic crap) and use paper plates, bowls and plastic cutlery until they turn 18. Sod the environment, the nappies you just used for the last 3 years won't degrade for another 12 years, and all the driving to and from school in your 4X4 has made your carbon footprint bigger then Switzerland anyway.

3. Bibs are useless. Put them in a drawer and save them for use in your old age. Chances are, any toddler who eats wearing a bib will get food everywhere but on that piece of cloth - in their ear, in their hair, on their underwear - and the bib will remain miraculously clean.

4. Tile (or laminate if you are poor) all areas of floor the child will use. If this is not possible, tread into the pile copious amounts of baked beans, toffee and blackcurrant squash. This way, their little spills and accidents will go almost unnoticed and you won't have to beat them with a slipper continually, everyday for the next 15 years.

5. Consider naughty scribbles of wax crayon on the wall as 'art'. Be proud when they spell out there first word on the lounge cabinet, it may be 'sHiT' but, hey, your spawn may just be a child genius. Remember that art world has been fooled countless times before by parents selling off their childs doodles for vast sums of money. Nurture your budding Damien Hirst, he may be the ticket to you owning that villa in Spain.

6. Note to gardeners; Plant beds of nettles around your favourite herbaceous borders and delicate, prize winning flowera for maximum protection. Sadly, the use of barbed
wire in such situations is illegal. Ban footballs and swings and instead use your lawn to house a massive 12ft trampoline with safety enclosure because the view from the neighbours bedroom window won't be spoiled at all by this discreet garden toy.

7. For concerned parents of fussy eaters I have this advice - providing every meal from a MacDonalds Happy Meal box will ensure your offpring consumes every morsel. Always remember to incude a 'free toy' with every sitting. Sellotape and a screwdriver are not adequate gifts in this instance but empty loo roll inserts can provide hours of good, clean fun.

8. Save all your boxes and wrapping paper from Christmas and wrap it up for their birthday, thus saving you pounds and pounds. When presented with a present costing half a weeks wages, the child will invariably spend their time playing with the wrapping anyway. With any cash saved you can buy the large amounts of vodka and cigarettes you use to help numb the pain of being a parent.

9. As soon as your child starts talking, constantly tell them to 'be quiet' or if necessary 'shut your bloody piehole' if the speech is incessant or during your favourite soap opera. Make sure they know their place in society and drill into them 'children should be seen and not heard and preferably not seen as well'. Do not encourage creativity (unless it leads to financial gain) everyone despises precocious children and when little Sebastian is playing Joseph for the 4th Christmas running, other parents will start to call you a 'cunt'.

10. When faced with a tantruming toddler at the supermarket, the first step is to crave into their demands immediately, so not to create a 'scene'. However, if the child insists on throwing a wobbly it is best to go about your business as if they were not in the slightest bit related to you (whilst maintaining a safe distance). To add to this effect, roll your eyes as other customers
tut and shake their heads in unhelpful unison. Once the brat has collapsed in an exhausted heap onto the floor, scoop up, pay for your goods and get out. Make sure your cupboards are well stocked as this kind of activity will put you off shopping for at least 5 years.

11. NEVER assume that something brown and creamy is chocolate.

12. Say goodbye to all your friends who are childless. They will not understand why you can't stay out until 3am and need to phone the sluttish babysitting you left in charge of your spawn every 15 minutes and will be embarrassed and a little disgusted by the sick patch on your shoulder.

13. Keep a capacious collection of batteries at all times. Failure to do so will induce the wrath of your toddler. For annoying toys that are both noisy and have irritating with flashing lights and seem to go off in the middle of the night when no one is touching them (gifts usually purchased by someone who doesn't like you) it is ok to tell the child that the naughty toy gobblins sneaked into their room whilst they were sleeping and tampered with said toy leaving it broken. Lying to a child is fine if it stops your ears bleeding and keeps you sane.

14. Unless driven to infanticide and therefore the dress code is compulsory, never wear white or let your children wear white. The colour white has magical properties that attract dirt and grubby fingers like a magnet.

15. Remember, toddlers can be a great source of fun too. Feeding them spicy or strong tasting foods such as Marmite and chilli jam makes their little faces gurn in the most hilarious manner. Also you can fart in public and people will immediately assume it to be your child. Enjoy your children whilst they are young, in only a few years they will be treating you as a taxi and bank and having unprotected sex whilst high on drugs. Enjoy!

satan.jpg
satan.jpg


Reviews


Submitted by TexasGalDrew at 2011-03-02 12:54:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good info. Argound age five, if you have trees with branches lower than 4-5 feet, saw them off, then just lean a ladder against the trunk to save them from stacking lawn chairs and trash cans.

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2011-03-02 10:21:07 EST (#)
Rating: -1

old. and more boring than yankee sitcom "married with children". without teenage tits

Submitted by Foolproof at 2011-03-02 09:14:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Welcome to the B@W club!

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-03-02 06:21:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Do you have a contact number for the slutty babysitter?

Submitted by Darth_Famine at 2010-12-05 12:13:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think every parent can see themselves in this


Submitted by Pennyfarthing at 2010-10-14 07:30:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by firefly at 2010-06-05 12:59:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-04-20 14:05:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Welp, shes gone missing again... *Looks around to see if FJ's tent is still there.*

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-12 04:57:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by baby (user info) at 2010-04-11 23:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

your poor kids. living in public housing, different 'uncles' sleeping in mommy's room every night, fast food for breakfast lunch and dinner, toddling around in soiled underpants...

i'm just a baby and even i know that scummy fucking white trash like you shouldn't have kids, much less give advice (unread by this infant) on how to raise them
~~~
The worse thing is I just made the kids up as an excuse to be fat.
Now I am stuck with these e made up kids forever. And let me tell you, that e welfare doesn't strech very far when you are addicted to pizza and Cadburys :O(

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-04-12 02:40:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think it is pretty clear whose alter this is.

Everything you ever wanted to know about baby
User id: 32049
Registered on or around: 2007-09-12 18:56:57 EDT
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 40
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0


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Submitted by baby at 2010-04-11 23:39:04 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

your poor kids. living in public housing, different 'uncles' sleeping in mommy's room every night, fast food for breakfast lunch and dinner, toddling around in soiled underpants...

i'm just a baby and even i know that scummy fucking white trash like you shouldn't have kids, much less give advice (unread by this infant) on how to raise them

Submitted by c1ndy at 2010-04-11 16:53:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.

---------

sleep deprivation + kids TV + attending toddler groups

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-03-11 10:53:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Where have you been young lady? We have been worried sick! *Arms corssed and tapping foot*

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-03-11 10:37:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You can't take sniffer dogs on a plane, silly.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-03-11 10:32:42 EST (#)
Rating: 0

not worth the air fare i see
:(

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-03-11 10:12:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I emailed. I texted. I phoned. Thank god you are here, now I can cancel my train tickets and the hired pack of sniffer dogs I was going to hunt you down with.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-03-11 09:56:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-03-10 11:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

It's not just you, I think there may be a computer issue
~~~
no pc issue

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-03-10 11:45:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's not just you, I think there may be a computer issue.
so, move over in the tent.

and dont go getting all Brokeback Mountain on me.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-03-10 11:21:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Since you are not replying to my emails I will camp here.

*pitches tent*

Submitted by JoeyG at 2010-03-03 09:42:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

congratulazione....whatever that means

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2010-03-02 20:02:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There has to be a great and terrible story behind number 11, please do tell.

Submitted by Socialist_Joe at 2010-03-02 17:17:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2010-03-02 15:06:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W thats baller.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-03-02 10:40:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-03-02 07:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

holy shit B@W!?!?
awesome job!!!!!!

~~~~~
Good Job :)

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-03-02 07:14:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

holy shit B@W!?!?
awesome job!!!!!!

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-03-02 07:14:34 EST (#)
Rating: 0

WOW... but all the spelling mistakes!
:)

Submitted by spuj at 2010-03-02 06:59:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can't believe no one congratulated you for B@W with this.

Or is that not the done thing anymore?

Submitted by Wisher at 2010-03-02 06:29:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks for the warning{s}

Submitted by jme7551 at 2010-02-24 15:31:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

As a parent I found this all very educational while almost making me piss myself. But the best part was


11. NEVER assume that something brown and creamy is chocolate.

i laughed my ass off

Submitted by netimportant at 2010-02-23 21:38:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I only have one definition for the term "loading slot" and it's a lot more fun than yours.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-02-23 18:44:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Clearly there's something to them, wij and Rob, or there wouldn't be the far too many of them on the planet that there are. I just don't get it. I'm as fine with that as y'all are.

Submitted by AshK at 2010-02-23 16:38:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2010-02-23 06:58:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Now this is rocket science

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-23 06:04:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hmmm. I'm not keen on stuff like that. If I am googling 'crossdressing nurse handjobs oil boobs videos' I'd rather other people not know about it.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-23 05:56:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

the internet is sneaky. I once googled a bunch of stuff whilst logged into mail and suddenly got a shite load of spam regarding my googling trends. THAT is scary stuff.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-23 05:54:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think the ads come across as sneaky know it all bastards. A bit like me.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-23 05:53:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Yeah, the ad's are clever, using keywords they try to identify the content and use an ad that might benefit the reader.
BB is watching you, eh.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-23 05:27:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I bet you are an ace mum.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-23 05:27:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by czwij at 2010-02-23 05:05:37 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

I have wondered why people have children. They are pretty much non-stop need machines. I really wonder why anyone has a second one.

------------------------

you may lament not having kids when you are old.
you may turn out to be a lonely, bitter, neglected old man.
or not.

i have three kids and wouldn't give them up for anything.
they are the reason i want to get up in the morning.
they give more life than they suck out of you.
you only see the on the surface what problems they can cause, but you cannot see what they make you feel when they're yer own.

otherwise, what do i have to live for?
my own amusement?
rather unfulfilling existence.

good post

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-23 04:09:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2010-02-22 17:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Well I'm out for the day. As a by the by for all those not on the up and up, Orphelia is a concurrently gestating whore who reaks of marmalade and rancid pork lard. Now you know, and remember kids, knowing is half the battle.

PS, this post would have been better if you tried having someone with even the most pedestrian concept of spelling and grammar clean up the "publicly educated in the tenements" quality of writing.
~~~
Haha I like to include a mistake in every line just to perpetuate the myth I am an unintelligent ho.
I love lard. http://pics.gormagon.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/british-lard-images_couple.gif
http://www.proteinpower.com/drmd_blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/theyre-happy-because-they-eat-lard.jpg
Call me.

Submitted by Wisher at 2010-02-23 03:49:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha!

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-02-23 03:31:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

I have wondered why people have children. They are pretty much non-stop need machines. I really wonder why anyone has a second one.

No, Rob, I don't have kids.
No, Rob, I'm not going to have one so I can see how wonderful it is.

---

I know you don't.

OK. Don't.

Being a parent is awesome - but if you don't want to be one, it's really better for the rest of us if you avoid it. Honest.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2010-02-22 21:25:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great advice! You should go on Oprah!

Submitted by 53RD at 2010-02-22 20:43:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-02-22 18:06:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You know what else is awesome?
A: http://axecop.com/

A comic "written" by a 5 year old.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-02-22 18:04:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The fruits of your labors? This is convenient and timely. Mrs. Guns and I are trying for kids this year.

Submitted by pen_name at 2010-02-22 17:55:16 EST (#)
Rating: 1

not that hard to raise a toddler. what are they...30 pounds tops?

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2010-02-22 17:53:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well I'm out for the day. As a by the by for all those not on the up and up, Orphelia is a concurrently gestating whore who reaks of marmalade and rancid pork lard. Now you know, and remember kids, knowing is half the battle.

PS, this post would have been better if you tried having someone with even the most pedestrian concept of spelling and grammar clean up the "publicly educated in the tenements" quality of writing.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2010-02-22 16:52:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2010-02-22 14:17:05 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I WOULDN'T be a great mum. Seriously.
-----------------
but you would be a great grandmother

granny


=====

Gee. How original and pithy.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2010-02-22 15:17:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I WOULDN'T be a great mum. Seriously.
-----------------
but you would be a great grandmother

granny

Submitted by joedaddy at 2010-02-22 14:57:15 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.
***

because it's like being responsible for an 18-21 yr suicide watch

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2010-02-22 14:29:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

For instance, my mother was a shit mother and should have NEVER been allowed to have a child. My father was too overwhelmed to do anything about her and was too busy trying to earn a living for us. He didn't even want children but my mother thought she wanted a child who would love her instantly and unconditionally and could be her little plaything that would grow up to be her best friend and a clone of herself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's amazing how many people actually think the world works that way. Children need authority. Friends != authority. Parents who grow up trying to be their kid's friend/peer usually end up being hated and looked down on. My wife sees her mother as a horrible embarassmment and has spent a good deal of her teenage and early adult life trying to pretend the woman is dead.

Submitted by GroundHorse at 2010-02-22 14:13:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'll practice your guidelines when i suffer condom failure.

Submitted by stone8946 at 2010-02-22 12:57:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Helpful, I have a 5 month old!

Submitted by Lib at 2010-02-22 12:45:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I needed this about 25 years ago. Good job

Submitted by Awesome at 2010-02-22 12:43:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome!

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2010-02-22 12:36:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Im an uncle. It scares me.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2010-02-22 12:27:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I WOULDN'T be a great mum. Seriously. I do not have the patience to raise a child and do an effective job at it. The great thing is, I realised it before I got myself knocked up.

For instance, my mother was a shit mother and should have NEVER been allowed to have a child. My father was too overwhelmed to do anything about her and was too busy trying to earn a living for us. He didn't even want children but my mother thought she wanted a child who would love her instantly and unconditionally and could be her little plaything that would grow up to be her best friend and a clone of herself.


So many things wrong with that picture, I could write a paper.



I can handle children in short doses. Then I call the parents and growl into the phone "come get your demon spawn."

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 12:25:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

fat ones make great beanbags

Submitted by Procon at 2010-02-22 12:23:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Also, children make excellent footstools.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 12:17:38 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I am gonna do a 'roadsong' here :)

~~~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by MarquisDeJompeJompe (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

This was very good. I do believe I rather like you.
~~~

Thanks!

~~~

Tuts the bitchiness at school during pick up and drop off is daunting. :( Also, I cried for a year after having my first kid. NOTHING prepares you for how much it wrecks your life :)

FG I m sure you'd be a great mum, my best friend is the kids aunty, she rubber stamps with them.

Sexualchocolate don't rain on my parade, I was just worried you were gonna steal my gig as bitchy parent. We have a club, Brit parent users, c1ndy is our leader, we meet once a month and tell each other we are not fat. You should do one of these posts on babies.

no1hasdis I rely on your insults as wank material, you disappoint me. You need to get fired or something so you can act all bitter and twisted.

iccy only child one costs money after that they are quite cheap. Have a herd, they'll soon pay for themselves.


Submitted by icarus1987 at 2010-02-22 12:13:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I know of about five people who have the patience, wisdom, emotional stability, and overall character to make good parents. Two of those five can afford kids. Most parents are not good at what they do. They try to be their kid's friends, and the kids end up hating them for it. I would likely go the other way; beating the everloving crap out of a child until I either killed it or broke its spirit. My wife would simply not relate to it on any level.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 12:03:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-02-22 11:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

As always, fine work.
Just for the record, are you pro or con kid? Because I will be f'in shocked if you say pro.
~~~
The three i have tell me I am pro.

Submitted by Procon at 2010-02-22 11:48:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Not worth much else. Shitting, crying, screaming, greedy little grubs.

So, yes, have babies if you're poor. You can eat them and stave off starvation. And make condoms from them. So you can fuck your wife next time without knocking the whore up.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2010-02-22 11:47:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I was going to ream you out on your parenting and call you a whore, but it's Monday morning and I'm to tired for that. So I'll just give you a +2 and pretend you're a wonderful lady who wrote an inspiring and witty post.

Submitted by Procon at 2010-02-22 11:47:00 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Fuck. Kids. Forever. Little bastards. Good for eating, and their skin makes excellent condoms.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2010-02-22 11:42:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Good stuff here.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-02-22 11:41:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

As always, fine work.
Just for the record, are you pro or con kid? Because I will be f'in shocked if you say pro.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2010-02-22 11:36:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

... I also get out the Play-Doh and make solar system models with the chilluns.

------

Show us Uranus.

Submitted by X54 at 2010-02-22 11:27:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"She was irrational. All women were. The rational ones had all been weeded out by the process of natural selection eons ago. No rational creature would ever consent to becoming pregnant; therefore, only irrational females reproduced, passing their irrational X chromosomes on to their daughters. Such was the process of evolution, that women had evolved to be ruled by their emotions. In a cruel stroke of revenge, they planted one of their X chromosomes in their sons, as well. Maybe his own X chromosome explained the way he felt about his son.

More likely, he thought with a yawn, it had caused him to marry in the first place."

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-22 11:11:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

While I didn't go into this with any expectations of what sort of parent I would be, it can actually be good fun completely fucking a whole other person up.

For the first two years of it, when she cried- I cried. After that came the tantrums, when she had a tanty- I had a tanty. But then I turned 21 and realised I was getting a bit too old to be crying and stamping my feet when things didn't go my way. Ok I lie, I still chuck the odd one. But nothing shuts a kid up better then seeing their normally calm mum, scream and throw herself onto the ground.

Submitted by triangle_man at 2010-02-22 11:11:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Say goodbye to your friends who are childless" forever.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2010-02-22 10:54:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I knew I'd be a crap mother so I opted out from having kids. No need in fucking someone up needlessly.

I am a fairly decent auntie. Not an actual aunt, but the adopted auntie kind. I think my childed friends are amused when I inform their offspring, "you're not making any sense and are behaving inappropriately."

The child cocks his/her head to the side, thinks about it for a second, then fills his/her lungs up with air and lets another scream rip. I also get out the Play-Doh and make solar system models with the chilluns.

I had no idea that our solar system has 15 planets, 3 of which are pink, purple, black and green swirled.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-02-22 10:52:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

11 is sound advice, indeed.

girls dont poo

Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 at 2010-02-22 10:51:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh wow, Orphie, you're a parent, i get it, no need to keep ramming it down our throats.

hehe, no, seriously, this was entertaining.


die in a fire.


but i love you really,



still, die eventually.






please.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2010-02-22 10:49:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking A!

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-22 10:44:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Also it goes back to the 4x4 thing. Women and men who have children all suddenly think they have to conform to the Jones's standard of living. So they stop being who they were and become the same. You would not believe the bitchiness of the women at my kids school. It really would just be easier, to dress in the matching track suits, drive the massive car and act like a complete cunt, rather than deal with being ostracized for not knowing that for birthdays we bring cupcakes, on wednesday it is encouraged to help with art and when somebody pops out another kid we all put in for a little gift for them (even if I don't know their fucking name).

I really do prefer being useless mother, trying to get my degree and being bitched about, over basically living a shallow life vicariously through my spawn. They shop, they coffee and they clean, that's all. It could be because I had my first at 19, not in my thirties but I don't know, they could just be cunts.

Submitted by MarquisDeJompeJompe at 2010-02-22 10:43:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ubmitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.


How does that happen exactly and do they get better when the child becomes an adult? See, I have a hypothesis that parents can get their souls back if when their children have their own children, they feed off the lifeforce of the grandchild.
===

I think it's mainly the fact that having a child means providing for another human being to such an extent that most people are never truly ready for it. It's certainly nothing like being married; an adult can feed themselves while hungry, can dress themselves, and can make decisions based on critical thinking and forethought. Children must first have these things done for them, and then must be TAUGHT how to do so. Having a child means (ideally) committing to caring for and instructing living thing that is essentially helpless for (at least) the first five years of life.

A daunting task, if there ever was one.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 10:43:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

I have wondered why people have children

~~~

Alcohol and condom failure

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-02-22 10:41:40 EST (#)
Rating: 1

What happened to you that your posts became such shit? Everyone who said this was good is fucking lying. I'm only giving this a positive rating because of that picture you sent me yesterday with honey smeared on your tits. I enjoyed that.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-02-22 10:39:05 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I have wondered why people have children. They are pretty much non-stop need machines. I really wonder why anyone has a second one.

No, Rob, I don't have kids.
No, Rob, I'm not going to have one so I can see how wonderful it is.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-22 10:35:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's because other silly parents think they have to give up their drugs and alcohol, or if they were never into it, don't start abusing mind altering substances. It's amazing how much fun you can have with a three year old while completely tanked.




I'm really only half joking.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 10:30:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I live in the middle of the english countryside and still i don't think i need a 4x4 but many mums use them. not the waterproof wearing dullard brigade but the mums wearing designer clothes and 6 inch stilletos in 8 inch snow that live in the town centre.
I dunno.

children suck the life out of you because they leave you with no time for yourself. it's been known for me to hold a poo in 5 hours until i have time to go :(

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2010-02-22 10:27:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Can you explain how a child consumes the parents souls? See, everyone I know who has had children were vibrant and full of life and zing before they had kids. Two years later they're listless, they look 10 years older, they're eyes are kind of dulled, and they even seem to lose colour and become monochromatic.


How does that happen exactly and do they get better when the child becomes an adult? See, I have a hypothesis that parents can get their souls back if when their children have their own children, they feed off the lifeforce of the grandchild.



Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-22 10:27:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I hear mothers are capable of improbably brilliant sluttiness.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 10:27:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I drive a mazda 6 but I am in the market for a new car.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 10:25:59 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-02-22 10:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

The very thought of having children terrifies me. Although I could get on board with these slutty babysitters you speak of.
~~~
What of their slutty mothers?
:(

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-02-22 10:25:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Or you could just shut your legs, you slovenly whore.

Seriously though, please tell me you don't drive a 4x4? I hate them right down to the bones of my soul.

Oh oh really? Oh you need that whole gas guzzling, earth raping vehicle for your one child? Oh, oh sorry, ok....... I didn't realise you had to fit all your shopping in there and the pram. Yeah, sorry my mistake of course you need your huge behemoth for all that. I know how silly of me to think I could fit my whole two children and all their bits and pieces in my tiny little sedan. No, You are Right I am the Fool.

So you go offroad much, you drive on lots of unpaved roads? Oh, you don't. In fact you never have. Oh, you just drive from school to the shops and home again. Yeah, but it is a necessity to have your fourbie.

Now move it back from the stop sign so the rest of us can see, selfish elitist cunt and while you are there take the hand brake off, jump out and lay your head behind the back tyre.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-02-22 10:24:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The very thought of having children terrifies me. Although I could get on board with these slutty babysitters you speak of.

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2010-02-22 10:19:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

They also make good footwear if properly tanned.

Submitted by MarquisDeJompeJompe at 2010-02-22 10:19:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was very good. I do believe I rather like you.

Submitted by precision at 2010-02-22 10:15:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't even want to know how you found out about #11


Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential
murderers.

-- Homer Simpson
Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part 2)