How to raise a toddler in 15 easy stepsSubmitted by orphelia at 2010-02-22 10:05:31 EST
Rating: 1.6 on 93 ratings (93 reviews) (V)
1. Remove any discs from the DVD player. Scratch thoroughly until rendered completely unusable. Proceed to stuff bread crusts, cake and soggy half chewed biscuits into the loading slot. This will save you valuable time waiting for your toddler to do it. Little inquisitive fingers can remove any DVD player lock with the skill of a Hungarian pickpocket, do not waste money on such inventions.
2. Remove any item with value or sentiment from a height of up to 3ft (6ft if they can climb). Better still, just rid your home of pretty ornaments and nice objects (allowing more room for their gaudy, plastic crap) and use paper plates, bowls and plastic cutlery until they turn 18. Sod the environment, the nappies you just used for the last 3 years won't degrade for another 12 years, and all the driving to and from school in your 4X4 has made your carbon footprint bigger then Switzerland anyway.
3. Bibs are useless. Put them in a drawer and save them for use in your old age. Chances are, any toddler who eats wearing a bib will get food everywhere but on that piece of cloth - in their ear, in their hair, on their underwear - and the bib will remain miraculously clean.
4. Tile (or laminate if you are poor) all areas of floor the child will use. If this is not possible, tread into the pile copious amounts of baked beans, toffee and blackcurrant squash. This way, their little spills and accidents will go almost unnoticed and you won't have to beat them with a slipper continually, everyday for the next 15 years.
5. Consider naughty scribbles of wax crayon on the wall as 'art'. Be proud when they spell out there first word on the lounge cabinet, it may be 'sHiT' but, hey, your spawn may just be a child genius. Remember that art world has been fooled countless times before by parents selling off their childs doodles for vast sums of money. Nurture your budding Damien Hirst, he may be the ticket to you owning that villa in Spain.
6. Note to gardeners; Plant beds of nettles around your favourite herbaceous borders and delicate, prize winning flowera for maximum protection. Sadly, the use of barbed
wire in such situations is illegal. Ban footballs and swings and instead use your lawn to house a massive 12ft trampoline with safety enclosure because the view from the neighbours bedroom window won't be spoiled at all by this discreet garden toy.
7. For concerned parents of fussy eaters I have this advice - providing every meal from a MacDonalds Happy Meal box will ensure your offpring consumes every morsel. Always remember to incude a 'free toy' with every sitting. Sellotape and a screwdriver are not adequate gifts in this instance but empty loo roll inserts can provide hours of good, clean fun.
8. Save all your boxes and wrapping paper from Christmas and wrap it up for their birthday, thus saving you pounds and pounds. When presented with a present costing half a weeks wages, the child will invariably spend their time playing with the wrapping anyway. With any cash saved you can buy the large amounts of vodka and cigarettes you use to help numb the pain of being a parent.
9. As soon as your child starts talking, constantly tell them to 'be quiet' or if necessary 'shut your bloody piehole' if the speech is incessant or during your favourite soap opera. Make sure they know their place in society and drill into them 'children should be seen and not heard and preferably not seen as well'. Do not encourage creativity (unless it leads to financial gain) everyone despises precocious children and when little Sebastian is playing Joseph for the 4th Christmas running, other parents will start to call you a 'cunt'.
10. When faced with a tantruming toddler at the supermarket, the first step is to crave into their demands immediately, so not to create a 'scene'. However, if the child insists on throwing a wobbly it is best to go about your business as if they were not in the slightest bit related to you (whilst maintaining a safe distance). To add to this effect, roll your eyes as other customers
tut and shake their heads in unhelpful unison. Once the brat has collapsed in an exhausted heap onto the floor, scoop up, pay for your goods and get out. Make sure your cupboards are well stocked as this kind of activity will put you off shopping for at least 5 years.
11. NEVER assume that something brown and creamy is chocolate.
12. Say goodbye to all your friends who are childless. They will not understand why you can't stay out until 3am and need to phone the sluttish babysitting you left in charge of your spawn every 15 minutes and will be embarrassed and a little disgusted by the sick patch on your shoulder.
13. Keep a capacious collection of batteries at all times. Failure to do so will induce the wrath of your toddler. For annoying toys that are both noisy and have irritating with flashing lights and seem to go off in the middle of the night when no one is touching them (gifts usually purchased by someone who doesn't like you) it is ok to tell the child that the naughty toy gobblins sneaked into their room whilst they were sleeping and tampered with said toy leaving it broken. Lying to a child is fine if it stops your ears bleeding and keeps you sane.
14. Unless driven to infanticide and therefore the dress code is compulsory, never wear white or let your children wear white. The colour white has magical properties that attract dirt and grubby fingers like a magnet.
15. Remember, toddlers can be a great source of fun too. Feeding them spicy or strong tasting foods such as Marmite and chilli jam makes their little faces gurn in the most hilarious manner. Also you can fart in public and people will immediately assume it to be your child. Enjoy your children whilst they are young, in only a few years they will be treating you as a taxi and bank and having unprotected sex whilst high on drugs. Enjoy!