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Three Little Events From Tuesday

Submitted by Replen at 2010-04-06 14:32:49 EDT
Rating: 1.73 on 40 ratings (40 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I turned on the shower and got into the bathtub and looking towards the plug hole I see there's a chubby fucker of a spider near the plug hole. I'm not too bothered by spiders so I let it be and get on with things as usual. However, after a little while I turn round and see that the spider is making its way towards me avoiding the water having cleverly gone up the curve of the bath a bit.

Well fuck you spider I gave you a chance, all you had to do was stay down your end, but no, now you've made me uneasy and you have to die. I use my foot to woodge a bit water that way and send the bastard down the plug hole. But he's a resilient bugger and refuses to budge. I can see him visibly holding on. I have to use my foot to send down 4 or 5 more spider tsunamis and finally he loses his grip and goes flailing towards oblivion.

I look at the plug hole thinking it's all done and dusted but I'm taken back when I see two little spiders legs moving in one of the holes. What a little shit! So I remove the shower head and hold it directly over the plug hole and give it 5 seconds of full blast. I replace the shower head and see no signs of life. Take that you little cunt.

I continue washing and then get out the shower and have a shave. After that's finished I lean over the window sill to get my tooth brush and what I do fucking see near the plug hole? Damn spider again! Exasperated I think to myself 'Why won't you die, you fucker?' I can't leave it in there, spider removal was one of the first household chores allocated to me when we moved in so I get the toothpaste tube and coax the spider onto it and then quickly flick it out the window. As I did this, from nowhere, I said out loud "yippee-kai-yay motherfucker" in what must have been some unconsciously driven tribute to the John McClane of the spider world.

All the spider mayhem had put me behind schedule so I had to really rush to the station to avoid missing the train and being late for work. I walk through a park on the way to the station and usually I take the concrete path that meanders around the outskirt. But today I was in a rush so I went straight across the grass. Mistake. Haven't done it for 10+ years. Thought I'd grown out of it - but no, today I have go and step in dog shit. Real big pile too. Stunk horrendously. Really filled the nostrils.

But being late was not an option, so there was no going back to change shoes. I do that kind of foot dragging-twisty-turning thing across the rest of the grass and then proceed to the station stopping every 20 steps or so to check that it's all gone from the bottom of my shoe. Can't see anything, all clear, rock on.

I step onto the platform just as the trains doors are beeping and slip onto the train. There's one solitary seat left, an outside of a double, not even one of those shit middle of a triple ones. Must be karma. I've had a rubbish morning and I've been rewarded with a seat on a rush hour train for the first time in about 2 years. Overall, a result I think.

And then the businessman diagonal to me did a double sniff thing and I immediately think 'FUCK! I didn't get off all the dog shit'. Paranoia takes hold, what must these people think of me? NOOO, they'll give me a mind nickname like I do to other commuters like 'sweaty back man' or 'fidgets with bra lady'. I'll be 'smells of shit bloke'! Fuck.

But wait, some rational thought, maybe the guy just has a cold. No one else is sniffing, right. Wrong. Some fucking bitch sitting opposite who will be known in my head from now on as 'opposite bitch' does a sniff as well. Balls. I've got to check now, and if it's me I'll just have to go stand near the door and remember to buy some new shoes on the way to work. But how? It's not like that time I could smell BO on the train and even though I was sure it wasn't me I thought I should be safe and check anyway and sneakily had trouble getting something out my inside pocket. I can't exactly grab my foot and bring it up to my nose.

I take action and bring the previously offending shoe up on to my opposite knee in that way that non-gay blokes do when they are reading the newspaper, but my foot was still too far away to get a really good sniff in. I needed to get closer. I accidently dropped the free newspaper I acquire every morning at the station entrance between my legs and as I lean forward to pick it up take in a good long sniff. Nothing - just grass and leather. Brilliant. I lean back in my seat happy with myself with a slight smirk. However I notice that the women opposite me is looking at me weird. And then it occurs to me, what it must have looked like - the only thing worse than 'smells of shit bloke' is 'leans forward and smells womens crotch guy'. Bollocks. At least the trains pulling in and I can make a quick getaway.

Although today's travel fun didn't end there. On the train home I was already in my seat when a rather busty women in a 'I'm being assertive and professional' power suit and blouse slammed down next to me in a space that really wasn't big enough without me readjusting my position. That's fine. London is full of inconsiderate and rude cunts. I like it that way, keeps a lot of the Northerners out.

However - an instinct, a sixth sense almost, told me something was up. A surreptitious look to my side confirmed it. The women had sat down in such a way that it had stretched her blouse allowing me to clearly see inbetween the button holes to some serious boobage going on. I had several more crafty looks. So many in fact that she kind of flinched in way that said that I was acting a bit suspicious.

I focused on my newspaper (I hadn't really read it properly in the morning), but it wasn't working. I just couldn't concentrate on the words. I've got to look again. But why? I saw boobs this morning. I emptied my balls this morning. And if the Die Hard spider didn't make it back in the bath after I'd left I'll be in the good books and in prime position to give the tower of power another run out tonight. But no. I had to keep on sneaking a look. I couldn't help it. It was like some deep DNA caveman shit driving it.

After about another 15 or so secret glances even I was thinking, come on, this is ridiculous and more than a bit pervy. I reached an agreement with myself. Be a mature grown man - just one more look and then concentrate on the horoscopes even if you don't read it. I dropped the newspaper slightly, and repositioned my head slightly for the best angle and just as I did this the women huffed (quite loudly) under her breath and yanked her suit top across her front and turned away from me.

You could have fried an egg on my face it was so red hot. What a fucking Tuesday.


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Submitted by cheerios at 2011-05-30 18:31:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awesome post.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2011-05-29 23:48:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sicosemen, the day you become the 'old school' authority on the unwritten rules and regulations on ubersite I'll fuck my mother. Until then shut your cock holster, attention whore.

Submitted by lostinwonderland at 2011-05-29 16:56:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Why does everyone get their undies all bunched up their asses about blogging if they tell a story and are well written? Some times real life is more comical (is that even a word) than fiction.
Does it always have to be serious or a made up story to be worth posting?

Just curious.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2011-05-29 16:24:23 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 13:39:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/127019

http://www.ubersite.com/m/127019#3033941

I would love to see your entry in this contest.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-09-01 10:25:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

London is full of inconsiderate and rude cunts. I like it that way, keeps a lot of the Northerners out.

It is. And it does. We hate that shit hole. It's too expensive and its full of wankers. If you actually SPEAK to someone, they look at you as though you're sat there in a straight jacket dribbling like an idiot.

+2 in agreement that London is full of cuntholes - and not the type you'd wanna put ya wang into.

Submitted by august_sobriquet at 2010-09-01 10:01:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2



arbitrary rating +1 reviews +1 post

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2010-08-30 17:08:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

aces!

I enjoyed that.

Submitted by Tomorokoshi at 2010-07-16 04:37:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by headcase133 at 2010-04-09 20:08:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ballare at 2010-04-07 21:30:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sico, my bear/blog story got on B@W (though lord only knows why)

Submitted by triangle_man at 2010-04-07 17:48:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"I'm not a rower by the way, I'm sculler. "

That was funny shit bro


Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-07 09:59:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

:o)

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-04-07 09:58:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Once again you missed the point. No one, including me or you said he published it. What I'm saying is that nominating or claiming it is B@W material is quite pointless because it doesn't fit the criterion. I know you're blonde and occasionally have blips of thoughts other than dick, chip buddys, and flagrant eye shadow but if you can't keep up I suggest you sit on the sidelines and watch.

I'm not a rower by the way, I'm sculler.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-07 09:54:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Only kidding. Rowing with you is like foreplay.
:o)

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-07 09:52:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I said if Bart wanted to B@W it he would, it being his site, I never said he'd already done it.
Learn to read, arguing with you is pointless. It's like a wanking competition between a 13 year old boy who in one week found his dick and Pamela Anderson and an old man who lost his blue pills and has a heart condition and I'm the boy and your the pensioner.
It's too easy.
I already have a cock in it by the way, I'm bent over now as I type this. He isn't very good. He reminds me of you.
:p

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-04-07 09:45:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You both are idiots. That is a fact.

Show me one instance of bloggish writing on B@W and I'll back off.

Fact is that you nominate something for B@W because you like it (I liked this too) but are too stupid to know what the qualifications for getting on actually are. So, Orphelia, put a cock in it. Spuj, go back to being a 23 sided dice rolling cock spoon.

TRIUMPHANT VICTORY!

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-07 09:14:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Spuj has a point, sico, if anyone is gonna 'tell it how it is' it's you. You either are a very honest chap or just a streak breaking for the hell of it cunt.
I cast no judgement.
And I believe if Barty wanted to B@W this he would, he makes the rules, not you.
Now shut up you donkey cocked twit.

Submitted by spuj at 2010-04-07 09:03:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeh ok you didnt negatively rate it.

Leave me alone.

Submitted by spuj at 2010-04-07 09:00:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2010-04-07 13:33:29 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Sorry, I have to redo my rating because there are some real fucking morons on this site. Blog entries about shit that happened are not...I repeat NOT B@W material. Yes, this is sorta funny, yes this is written well. You dumb fucks have this backwards.

That is all.

----

Wah Wah Wah someone has an opinion that i don't agree with, so im going to negatively rate the post to counter there rating in an attempt to make it look like im cool and hip.

Whatever.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-04-07 08:33:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sorry, I have to redo my rating because there are some real fucking morons on this site. Blog entries about shit that happened are not...I repeat NOT B@W material. Yes, this is sorta funny, yes this is written well. You dumb fucks have this backwards.

That is all.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2010-04-07 07:38:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-04-07 06:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Brilliant.

I am an unashamed boobwatcher. The best, the holy grail, is when you see nipples through the material.
=================
Im more of a "panties watcher"

The best, the holy grail, is when you can see panties through the material (white pants FTW)

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-04-07 06:46:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant.

I am an unashamed boobwatcher. The best, the holy grail, is when you see nipples through the material.

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-04-07 06:28:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on having the best post on front page. And the biggest todger. And what spuj said.

Submitted by spuj at 2010-04-07 04:11:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-04-07 02:24:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2010-04-06 18:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2


NOOO, they'll give me a mind nickname like I do to other commuters like 'sweaty back man' or 'fidgets with bra lady'. I'll be 'smells of shit bloke'! Fuck.

--

That's brilliant. I had Crazy Escalator Chick on my train again this morning. She gets in front of the door halfway through the transbay tunnel (even though hers is the 2nd SF stop and people have to fight past her to get off the train at the 1st stop), blasts out of the train the moment the doors open in and runs up the escalator like her ass is on fire with a look of panic on her face, an insane frenzied run. At the top, she relaxes and walks at what must be her normal, slightly slow pace. WTF? She does this almost every day.

~~~~~
Jack, you live in California, right?
The reason I ask is because I saw what must have been Crazy Escalator Chick's twin sister when I was on Holiday in London. The entire train was gobsmacked when this woman ran out of the train at full speed got half way up the flight of stairs and then proceeded to stroll through the remainder of the station. I even heard a gossipy looking pair of older ladies remark on it.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-04-06 21:49:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That spider was the boss, you have started a spider mob war now. All the other spiders will have to fight for power now, there will be spider factions. You have created chaos.


Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2010-04-06 19:34:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

EPIC. Now, if that's epic win or epic fail I'll let you pick, but... it's epic alright.

Submitted by X54 at 2010-04-06 19:19:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And no point in feeling embarrassed at getting caught sniffing a woman's crotch, either. Because they all secretly want--well, maybe not.

Submitted by X54 at 2010-04-06 19:16:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No point in feeling embarrassed at getting caught staring at a woman's tits. Because they all secretly want you to look, especially the ones who get all indignant and shit.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2010-04-06 18:50:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


NOOO, they'll give me a mind nickname like I do to other commuters like 'sweaty back man' or 'fidgets with bra lady'. I'll be 'smells of shit bloke'! Fuck.

--

That's brilliant. I had Crazy Escalator Chick on my train again this morning. She gets in front of the door halfway through the transbay tunnel (even though hers is the 2nd SF stop and people have to fight past her to get off the train at the 1st stop), blasts out of the train the moment the doors open in and runs up the escalator like her ass is on fire with a look of panic on her face, an insane frenzied run. At the top, she relaxes and walks at what must be her normal, slightly slow pace. WTF? She does this almost every day.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2010-04-06 17:20:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I killed a spider just last night! He was a large, ugly fucker.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-04-06 16:24:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is the third time today I've heard the term "plug hole".
I am now officialy adding it to the vocabulary.

Plug Hole
*smiles smugly*

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2010-04-06 15:47:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Why is it that boobies we're not "supposed" to see are always the most alluring ones?

Submitted by triangle_man at 2010-04-06 15:34:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read this and kind of enjoyed it
I sneaked a little booby peek myself today...and got caught...oh well

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-04-06 15:03:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I guess more amusing that this post was the fact that I read it all.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2010-04-06 14:45:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

amusing

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2010-04-06 14:40:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The other spiders SAW you do that. You'll have to live with it.

Submitted by Ballare at 2010-04-06 14:39:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The only thing worse than 'smells of shit bloke' is 'leans forward and smells womens crotch guy'.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-04-06 14:37:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Waft.


Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?

Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

Homer's Night Out