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My Bitchin' New Job

Submitted by Soyware at 2010-05-25 20:47:41 EDT
Rating: 1.82 on 25 ratings (25 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So I started a full time job on Monday. I sort, scan, and file books that get donated to the Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store so they can get posted to online stores. Boring, right? Right. That is, until I started finding some of the good donations:

Solving Homosexual Problems: A guide for LDS Men

This one came out of nowhere and made me laugh, so I read the title aloud to my co-workers. There was a second of silence...

*DAMNIT! First day! I've set a new alienation record...*

Then they all started laughing, too.

*Whew!*

Early Embraces 3: More True-life Stories of Women Describing Their First Lesbian Experience

SCHWING! So I read the back cover, since, you know, I have to check out the book's condition and all.

I set up the room so that everything would be perfect. I placed scented candles on the bedside table, turned on some slow music, and pulled the curtains shut. I took a shower, put on my best white dress shirt, jeans, and the requested cologne. Then I waited. Suddenly the phone rang. It was Debbie. "I'm in the elevator," she said. "I can't wait to see you." I couldn't believe I was finally about to meet her. I stood at the door with the phone next to my ear. Then I heard the elevator doors open.

"I can hear you," I whispered. I looked down and saw a shadow at the door. "Is that you?" I asked. Debbie said yes, and we both laughed. I told her I was going to hang up now and asked if she was ready. She said she was. I put the phone down, held my breath, and opened the door. I'll never forget what I saw. There she was, looking ravishing. She told me she was tall, but I had no idea she was almost six feet. She took my breath away. She was much more gorgeous than she looked in the picture she had sent me a few weeks before... Her makeup was perfect, and she had beautiful full lips, with a small mole I hadn't noticed in her photo. I wanted to grab her and kiss her hard, but I knew I should take it slow. She had her head down, and I could tell she was very nervous...


FUCKIN' SCHWING!

The Life of Alfie

It needs to end!

Wind Songs

Sadly, this contained no cool pictures of haunted houses or gypsy caravans. Actually, it didn't have anything cool. The name just stood out in my memory.

A Guide to the Modern Office

This textbook was published in 1980, had a picture of one of those old terminal/keyboard computers, and was colored strictly in green and black. Why would someone donate this? If you want to keep it alive for laughs, keep it! If not, recycle it! Don't just pass it on because you can't bear to truly get rid of things.


There were a few that were signed by the author with a personal note saying things like "thanks for taking care of Cynthia," and "you should come over some time. We'll have that wine I told you about." I guess the break up wasn't so smooth, huh?

This job sucks. I need to go get more beer, see you all later.

A local lesbian must have OD'd because there was a lot of spank worthy literature.jpg
A local lesbian must have OD'd because there was a lot of spank worthy literature.jpg


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Submitted by Wisher at 2010-06-23 21:25:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Another random~page dramatic reading from “The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories” ~~excerpt, whatever: {page 182}

~*~ॐ~*~

It was 2 a.m. when Julie stumbled back to her motel room. Brittany had invited her to spend the night, but Julie had made feeble excuses about getting up early to exercise Lady Snow {a horse}. Alone in the motel room, she cursed herself. Brittany had mad her feelings clear--why couldn’t Julie just forget about her? She must have been crazy to pass up the chance to get it on with Brittany Fairchild!

Julie paced around before remembering the pills Brittany had given her. “Ludes,” Brittany had said, “and Valium.” Julie swallowed the pills, but she was so full of cocaine and thoughts of Brittany that she couldn’t settle down. She started a list of things to do. “Buy gin,” she wrote. “Have sex with Brittany.” She couldn’t think of what else to add.


~~~~ Next day, in Lady Snow’s stall with Brittany~~~~

After her second spoonful {of coke}, Julie was going for a third when Brittany grabbed the vial. “Slow down, honey.” Then it happened, Brittany’s halfhearted “Oopsy” followed by the vial hitting the stall floor. Before Julie could stop her, Lady Snow had snuffed up all the white powder.

Brittany laughed and reassured her, “Don’t worry, horses love the stuff. Blizzard can’t get enough!” Her eyes lowered. Julies’s quickened breathing caused her abundant breasts to lift and shift provocatively. Brittany eyed the undulating orbs, then Julie spoke. It seemed she was listening to her words rather than controlling them: “I think someone needs a good, hard spanking for that.”


Submitted by Wisher at 2010-06-14 01:29:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Another random~page excerpt from “The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories” :


Finally Ginger spoke.
“So what do you think I should do with you for mouthing off to me like that?”
Terry decided to play it a little dangerous. “Maybe you should teach me a lesson I won’t forget.”
“Oh, so you think you’re ready to play with the grown~ups now, do you?”
“Who says I’m playing?”

Submitted by Wisher at 2010-06-11 02:25:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Opening at random, pg 122: "I thought you were made of tougher stuff than this with the lip you laid on me after the last race," said a familiar husky voice."

~Hahaha

Submitted by Wisher at 2010-06-11 02:08:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I mentioned back when you posted this that I ordered “The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories,” well it finally came~~ it was on the porch all day I didn’t know. It’s new, I thought I ordered used, like real pulp fic from 50s~~ guess it’s in reprint? Opening at opening at random pages is hilarious. Thanks, I never knew of such.

Anybody want a dramatic reading let me know, or dramatic posting. The dedication is to two girls, duh. I bet there's lots of bareback~~~ riding.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2010-06-03 16:14:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

SPOT THE EXTRA winner!

Submitted by triangle_man at 2010-05-28 16:39:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

congrats

Submitted by Poots at 2010-05-27 08:19:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

also:
Hey Jack, what's happenin'?
Oh, I don't know. Well, rumor around town says you think you might be
heading down to the shore. Uh, yeah, I think I'm goin' down to the
shore. Whatcha gonna do down there? Uh, I don't know, play some video
games, buy some Def Leppard t-shirts. Hey, don't forget to get your Motley
Crue t-shirt, y'know, all proceeds go to get their lead singer out of jail.
Uh huh. Hey, you gonna check out the sand bar while you're there? Uh,
what's the Sand Bar? Oh, it's this place that lets sixteen year-old kids
drink. Oh, cool. Y'know who's gonna be there? Uh, who? My favorite cover
band, Crystal Shit. Oh. Yeah, they do a Doors show, you'd be really
impressed, in fact, it goes a little like this:

Love me two times baby
Love me twice today (short musical pause)
Love me two times girl
Cause I got AIDS
Love me two times baby, once for tomorrow, once cause I got AIDS

Wow, Pretty good Jim Morrison impersonation there.
Yeah, I hope those guys have a good sense of humor and don't take us to court.
Uh, what's the court?
Never mind that,
(interupts)Oh, you mean like the People's Court?
Well, that's another story; the important thing here is you gotta ask me
how I'm gonna get down to the shore.
Uh, how you gonna get down to the shore?
Funny you should ask, I've got a car now.
Oh wow, how'd you get a car?
Oh my parents drove it up here from the Bahamas.
You're kidding!
I must be, the Bahamas are islands, okay, the important thing now, is
that you ask me what kind of car I have.
Uh, what kinda car do ya' got?
I've got a
BITCHIN CAMARO!.....

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
I ran over my neighbors, BITCHIN CAMARAO, BITCHIN CAMARO,
Now it's in all the papers.
My folks bought me a BITCHIN CAMARO with no insurance to match;
So if you happen to run me down, please don't leave a scratch.
I ran over some old lady one night at the county fair;
And I didn't get arrested, because my dad's the mayor.
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Doughnuts on your lawn
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Tony Orlando and Dawn
When I drive past the kids, they all spit and cuss,
Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO and they have to ride the bus.
So you'd better get out of my way, when I run through your yard;
Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO;
And an Exxon credit card.
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Hey, man where ya headed?
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
I drive on unleaded.

Submitted by Poots at 2010-05-27 08:10:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

muy bueno.

Submitted by Merlina at 2010-05-26 18:40:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2010-05-26 16:21:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Amusing. That pics been floating around forever.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2010-05-26 13:56:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, you need to be posting more from
Early Embraces 3: More True-life Stories of Women Describing Their First Lesbian Experience
cause that will get you some +2s...

Submitted by loki at 2010-05-26 11:43:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think you should keep a supply of hand sanitizer around really I do.

When people drop these things off do you check them in or something? I just can't imagine why someone would donate these particular books - classics they may be.

I'm sure I have an Office 2000 book around if you want to add that to the pile.

Submitted by DirtyHarry at 2010-05-26 10:58:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Soyware at 2010-05-26 09:03:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

HNIC? You kidding? I'd rather drive my bus into a church than walk in willingly, especially if I were luring young, naive minds in with me.
Ever wonder why they go on about giving and helping the poor, yet show up in all kinds of $200 outfits and new $20,000 cars? Maybe not, but I sure do.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-05-26 08:23:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Cool, are you still the HNIC for the youth ministry?

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-05-26 06:21:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

You just know lesbian horse sex would be wild.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-05-26 04:16:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2010-05-26 00:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

loldaho
---------------------------------
+2 for Axolotl's review!

it made me lol

daho

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2010-05-26 03:54:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The pic clinched it.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2010-05-26 00:38:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

loldaho

Submitted by X54 at 2010-05-25 23:43:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your taste in literature is impeccable.

Submitted by Wisher at 2010-05-25 23:23:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I found the book pictured on Amazon and order used. Three books down is, "Big Spankable Asses" {haha} ~~~ $182.00!!

http://www.amazon.com/Big-Spankable-Asses-Angie-Daniels/dp/0758221819/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274843254&sr=8-4#noop

On the same page is: "The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification"

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2010-05-25 23:07:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Reading is fundamental.

Submitted by Wisher at 2010-05-25 23:05:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

...Ecstasy is only a hoofbeat away!

Hahaha!

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-05-25 21:11:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Solving Homosexual Problems: A guide for LDS Men

This one came out of nowhere and made me laugh, so I read the title aloud to my co-workers. There was a second of silence...

*DAMNIT! First day! I've set a new alienation record...*

Then they all started laughing, too.

*Whew!*"
~~~
heh

Congrats on the job ...

Submitted by Yozz at 2010-05-25 21:09:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant! (Like the guys in the Guinness commercials)


Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders ... my
friend!

Lenny: What'd he say?

Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.

Homer Loves Flanders