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19 facts / stories ... they are also tiny

Submitted by pen_name at 2010-07-22 01:48:07 EDT
Rating: 1.81 on 35 ratings (35 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

1) I took three shits today.

2) Once while you were brushing your teeth I was masturbating.

3) I once fucked a couch.

4) Every time "Hey there, Delila" comes on the radio I sing along to those three words and no other lyrics. And I always think "This is some good shit, I could make money at this."

5) Every time I sit my balls get uncomfortably wedged between my thighs. I am constantly freeing them, Like Sean Connery pulling Harrison Ford out of the chasm just beyond the Great Seal.

6) In the first grade, I have a report on Larry Bird. Everyone giggled when I said He was from "French Lick."

7) In the third grade I told a guy to "Suck my twat."

8) In the fifth grade I told a guy that his sister sucks rhinoceros dicks (a line I cribbed from Porky's); he tried to do a Matrix spread-finger throat punch, but hit my chin.

9) I pissed myself while on a field trip to see the movie "Aladin."

10) I own a copy of Lindsay Lohan's "Parent Trap," and I watch it often. It's a good movie. My only complaint is that the word "actually" is written into every scene.

11) I watched the beginning of Ferris Bueller over and over again, just so I could quote,

"He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. Guess it's pretty serious."

"Thank you, Simone."

"No problem whatsoever."

12) The first R-rated movie I went to see as an 18 year old was "Private Parts."

13) The last movie I went to see as a 29 year old was "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince"

14) I made a paper mache head, pasted real human hair on it, and sold it on ebay for 10 bucks, claiming it was inspired by Clint Eastwood's "Escape from Alcatraz" (Incidentally, that listing was my first B@W appearance).

***Random question***

Who would have thought the most successful actor to come out of "Clueless" would be Paul Rudd?

***End of random quesiont***

15) I've taken a crap in the ocean. Twice.

16) My record for walking down a street with my eyes closed is 57 steps.

17) I got in a feud with a neighbor who complained when I tried to put a pool in my back yard; he said it was too close to his property--despite the fence. After I re fenced my land to get around his complaint, and after I installed the pool, I played Ride of the Valkyries (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AlEvy0fJto) at full volume every time I took a dip--shouting "I love the smell of chlorine in the morning" at random intervals.

18) Had a dream I was Frenching a chick, woke up with the dog licking my face. I was embarrassed, not because I was evidently Frenching my dog, but because I was committing a cliche from some shitty stoner movie.

19) Read an article in Cosmopolitan about women who got personal trainers for their loose vaginas. I was in a doctor's waiting room at the time and a woman was leaning over to see the article title. I noticed, put on a gay accent and said, "wonder if this works for the anus?"








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Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2010-07-23 15:38:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lungfish at 2010-07-23 15:17:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No. 5.

And others.

Submitted by X54 at 2010-07-23 13:33:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

:

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2010-07-23 10:00:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-07-22 15:25:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Auto +2 Bandwagon

Submitted by pen_name at 2010-07-22 15:23:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2010-07-22 13:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You apparently shit quite a bit.

--------

Indeed. I got no colon. It all goes straight from my small intestine to my asshole.

I had shit those times in the ocean when I still had the colon, though, so no excuses there.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-07-22 15:10:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2010-07-22 15:09:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by haikumikoo at 2010-07-22 15:09:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-07-22 08:45:54 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I like the idea of a gay accent. As if sexuality was somehow linked to geography.
====

I dislike these forced accents seemingly used to define one's identity. It's a lot like the silly white kids who talk, "black."

Which is to say, retarded.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2010-07-22 15:08:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

quit your jibba jabba

Submitted by Badlands at 2010-07-22 15:05:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sausage King of Chicago.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2010-07-22 14:31:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

...

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2010-07-22 14:31:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by X54 at 2010-07-22 13:32:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You apparently shit quite a bit.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2010-07-22 13:28:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-07-22 11:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I like the idea of a gay accent. As if sexuality was somehow linked to geography.
---------------------
theriouthly

Submitted by pen_name at 2010-07-22 12:35:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-07-22 11:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I like the idea of a gay accent. As if sexuality was somehow linked to geography.

-------------

Sure it can. San Fransisco.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2010-07-22 11:46:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

~Abe Froman Approved~

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-07-22 11:45:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like the idea of a gay accent. As if sexuality was somehow linked to geography.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-07-22 11:42:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-07-22 16:36:31 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

19) Read an article in Cosmopolitan about women who got personal trainers for their loose vaginas. I was in a doctor's waiting room at the time and a woman was leaning over to see the article title. I noticed, put on a gay accent and said, "wonder if this works for the anus?"


*snort!*

----

Snort?!?!

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2010-07-22 11:36:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

19) Read an article in Cosmopolitan about women who got personal trainers for their loose vaginas. I was in a doctor's waiting room at the time and a woman was leaning over to see the article title. I noticed, put on a gay accent and said, "wonder if this works for the anus?"


*snort!*

Submitted by Berty at 2010-07-22 11:27:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Yozz at 2010-07-22 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So that's how it is in your family....

Submitted by Shlongy at 2010-07-22 09:04:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I chuckled, followed by a small guffaw.

Submitted by Poots at 2010-07-22 08:56:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fuck my tits

Submitted by Poots at 2010-07-22 08:55:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

this is sargent petehsen chicago pd

Understanding allows people like us to tolerate a person like yourself.

Submitted by Davros at 2010-07-22 08:05:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-07-22 07:51:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pardon my French,..... but you're an asshole!

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-07-22 05:24:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

It was good and all but just didn't grab me.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-07-22 05:19:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There should be more people in the world like you.

Submitted by BranDo at 2010-07-22 05:03:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

18 remembered me of a scene from "Turks Fruit" or "Turkish Delight" from 1973

19 was fucking funny!!

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2010-07-22 05:00:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love Ferris Bueller

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-07-22 04:16:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hehe

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-07-22 03:38:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


You douche, dontcha?

Submitted by Replen at 2010-07-22 03:37:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

1. I read this whilst taking a shit.

19. That's proper funny.

Submitted by czwij at 2010-07-22 03:30:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

ha!
nice


Marge: Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him.

Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!

Bart the Daredevil