19 facts / stories ... they are also tinySubmitted by pen_name at 2010-07-22 01:48:07 EDT
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1) I took three shits today.
2) Once while you were brushing your teeth I was masturbating.
3) I once fucked a couch.
4) Every time "Hey there, Delila" comes on the radio I sing along to those three words and no other lyrics. And I always think "This is some good shit, I could make money at this."
5) Every time I sit my balls get uncomfortably wedged between my thighs. I am constantly freeing them, Like Sean Connery pulling Harrison Ford out of the chasm just beyond the Great Seal.
6) In the first grade, I have a report on Larry Bird. Everyone giggled when I said He was from "French Lick."
7) In the third grade I told a guy to "Suck my twat."
8) In the fifth grade I told a guy that his sister sucks rhinoceros dicks (a line I cribbed from Porky's); he tried to do a Matrix spread-finger throat punch, but hit my chin.
9) I pissed myself while on a field trip to see the movie "Aladin."
10) I own a copy of Lindsay Lohan's "Parent Trap," and I watch it often. It's a good movie. My only complaint is that the word "actually" is written into every scene.
11) I watched the beginning of Ferris Bueller over and over again, just so I could quote,
"He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. Guess it's pretty serious."
"Thank you, Simone."
"No problem whatsoever."
12) The first R-rated movie I went to see as an 18 year old was "Private Parts."
13) The last movie I went to see as a 29 year old was "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince"
14) I made a paper mache head, pasted real human hair on it, and sold it on ebay for 10 bucks, claiming it was inspired by Clint Eastwood's "Escape from Alcatraz" (Incidentally, that listing was my first B@W appearance).
Who would have thought the most successful actor to come out of "Clueless" would be Paul Rudd?
***End of random quesiont***
15) I've taken a crap in the ocean. Twice.
16) My record for walking down a street with my eyes closed is 57 steps.
17) I got in a feud with a neighbor who complained when I tried to put a pool in my back yard; he said it was too close to his property--despite the fence. After I re fenced my land to get around his complaint, and after I installed the pool, I played Ride of the Valkyries (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AlEvy0fJto) at full volume every time I took a dip--shouting "I love the smell of chlorine in the morning" at random intervals.
18) Had a dream I was Frenching a chick, woke up with the dog licking my face. I was embarrassed, not because I was evidently Frenching my dog, but because I was committing a cliche from some shitty stoner movie.
19) Read an article in Cosmopolitan about women who got personal trainers for their loose vaginas. I was in a doctor's waiting room at the time and a woman was leaning over to see the article title. I noticed, put on a gay accent and said, "wonder if this works for the anus?"