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Being Violated by My Toilet

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-21 06:54:27 EDT
Rating: 1.42 on 29 ratings (29 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I was sitting at my desk, looking through the latest Uber Bandwagon. There may have been a laugh, there may have been a smile but nothing memorable, nothing worthwhile. I was having my third cup of mud (coffee), or maybe my fourth? I don’t really know but I am aware that my assistant finds my coffee consumption both awing and amusing. Subsequently she has made it her personal mission to ensure my cup is always full (Note: I have never asked her to make me coffee, I think that is a lazy, dick move.). It could have been my seventh cup for all I know.

I felt a familiar rumbling in my stomach, not like hunger, not painful, more the general repositioning of my guts in preparation for the inevitable. I am a little surprised by this as I have already had my morning constitutional but I dismiss it (”When you gotta go, you gotta go.). I stand up from my desk, already well aware of the building pressure in my bowels. I immediately discover that there is a darkness growing within that dwarfs my paltry morning duty. That was not the typical rumble that warns. This time… that was the stirrings of a sleeping beast… The Golgothan.

I think there must be a certain subsonic frequency that emits from an individual about to have a diarrhea explosion that people subconsciously pick up. It seems to say: “Ask questions, make a joke, engage this person and prevent them from getting where they need to go, at all costs!” Before traveling a mere ten steps closer to the bathroom I am accosted with at least five questions pertaining to various work related and in my present mindset, completely inconsequential, garbage. As always, I listen, I review, I respond. Simple enough, but consuming of precious seconds.

I manage to disengage and make my way through the hall, I pass through the construction department and luckily no one says anything or hinders me in the least. Quickening my step I begin to reassure myself that everything will be all right. I turn the corner and reach for the knob and stop mid step. The little red paddle on the door mocks me: “Occupied”.

I have several decisions to make immediately… Do I attempt to run outside, up stairs and pray the little paddle on that door is green? Do I stand stock still and clench with all my might and wait to hear the flush? Try to pace a bit and hope it creeps back up granting me some additional time? Thankfully my decision making skills are not tested as I hear the metallic tinkle of a belt buckle and a flush. I allow myself a sigh of relief but continue to shift my weight back and forth between eager legs.

Agonizing seconds pass. The hiss of the toilet refilling its tank, the squeak of the faucet handle and roar of water pouring over hands being washed. Finally the sound I’ve been most eager for. The quiet click that says the door has been unlocked. The knob twists and a Pakistani fellow walks out. The sonofabitch had the balls to smile at me and say “Good morning, boss.” I could have killed him. I step into the tiny bathroom and slam the door behind me, locking it.

I didn’t even perform a TP check, I just turn, open my belt, unbutton my pants and unzip in one deft motion that ends with my buns on a plastic seat. I birth the deamon with an earth shattering cacophony and I know that the immediate danger has passed.

I exhale, you know the one. The one that says you are at peace with the world and everything from now on is going to be all right. My head rolls to the side as I am enjoying this brief relaxing moment with my pants around my ankles and not a care in the world. Then it happens.

There is a grumbling in the pipes and then a terrific belch from the toilet. The fluid burp splashes all over my exposed balloon knot, twig and berries. My scrotum immediately seeks refuge in my abdomen my cock sees my soaking sac flee and screams “What about me?!” and my anus puckers and drips… The smile from my face is replaced with despair. My eyes sink, my mouth frowns and a cold chill races up my spine. The toilet just spat my shit all over me.

I sit there feeling alone and despondent. I can feel the icy water and fecal mixture running down my tante over my now shrunken sack. I can hear each drip returning to the toilet. Tears come unbidden to my eyes and I nearly leak one. I am suddenly uncertain what I am supposed to do. The agony and ecstasy of taking a shit has just forever, been tainted.

I finish my business, grateful to find that despite my lack of a TP check there is a roll. I wipe excessively, refasten my pants, flush, wash my hands and leave, a changed and scarred man. I know I will have to go back there again, possibly this evening, possibly tomorrow. I just don’t know if I can do it.


I think it just happened to her too.jpg
I think it just happened to her too.jpg


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Submitted by czwij at 2010-08-25 05:05:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

explain

I.D.S.T.

thanx

YOU SWELTERING CUNT!

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-24 11:45:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Noted. Thanks for stopping by.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2010-08-24 11:02:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't mind me, I'm just here for old time's sake.

Submitted by RotAtoR at 2010-08-24 10:16:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by sexfiend (user info) at 2010-08-21 09:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

+2 for your shits and my giggles.

Tante is french for aunt (despite what urban dictionary says).


aaaaand for ghey men.


The Germans and Dutch use tante too but they solely for aunt.





Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-08-24 09:03:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I saw a rather amusing play on words pic the other day...

a group of WW2 germans playing a board game, but it was called NAAHTZEE!

I LOL'd

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-08-24 09:01:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

czwij is an ugly albino little fuckwit.

I.D.S.T.

Submitted by czwij at 2010-08-24 08:49:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

FJ bell is a cunt, pass it on.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-08-23 07:59:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this was shit.



get it?
hahahahahhaha

oh and I actually had that shower curtain years ago, the green and maroon with the gold stipes.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-23 06:46:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Maybe if you work for NAZI's.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2010-08-23 04:55:38 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

NSFW, Yoko.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-08-22 15:48:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I exhale, you know the one.

---

I do indeed.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-08-22 09:50:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Lib at 2010-08-21 16:48:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-08-21 14:18:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sexfiend (user info) at 2010-08-21 09:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

+2 for your shits and my giggles.

As an aside, the word you were looking for is Taint. Taint is the colloquial of perineum. Tante is french for aunt (despite what urban dictionary says).
~~~
You know, it's that annoying, I think it might just be real :(


Submitted by orphelia at 2010-08-21 14:17:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You'd better not mean my bandwagon, punk

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-21 11:56:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-08-21 10:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

-2wipe
Much as you want it to be, poop is not entertaining. If you would like to report on poop, please take it to http://www.poopreport.com thankyaverymuch.


+2youarenotrealgetoutofmyhead
Went to dinner last night at Burne's in Tampa. Delicious as always. Went upstairs afterward to the dessert room, and MLW asked the waitress if a particular dessert was good. The waitress replied "It's ridiculous" and my mind flashed on you and Uber. I think I must be spending too much time here again.

~~~~~

-2wipe

I never had any intention on doing a poop post, until this happened to me. I would also argue that the majority of comedy is exactly like a poop post in that it is a natural thing that we all have experienced and can relate to. Still I respect your -2 for the fact that it is tasteless. I would like to reiterate my first sentence here.

+2youarenotrealgetoutofmyhead

Sounds like a good night out. Glad you enjoyed it. I am real. I like it in here. You are. Don't Go, Come and play with us.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-08-21 11:10:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OH SHIT!

Submitted by Soyware at 2010-08-21 10:56:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wee poooped aaat, the maaall, toodaay
This is a poop song, this is a poop song

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2010-08-21 10:38:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I promote this to FF and declare it the best ever. There is no longer a need for FF. Ever.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-08-21 10:28:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

-2wipe
Much as you want it to be, poop is not entertaining. If you would like to report on poop, please take it to http://www.poopreport.com thankyaverymuch.


+2youarenotrealgetoutofmyhead
Went to dinner last night at Burne's in Tampa. Delicious as always. Went upstairs afterward to the dessert room, and MLW asked the waitress if a particular dessert was good. The waitress replied "It's ridiculous" and my mind flashed on you and Uber. I think I must be spending too much time here again.

Submitted by sexfiend at 2010-08-21 09:36:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for your shits and my giggles.

As an aside, the word you were looking for is Taint. Taint is the colloquial of perineum. Tante is french for aunt (despite what urban dictionary says).

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2010-08-21 09:32:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Poop story +2

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-21 09:28:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Maybe it's my bad but I thought it was spelled tante... I could be wrong, I'd urban dictionary it but it's blocked here and I am too lazy to find a decent proxy right now.

Submitted by willartstorg at 2010-08-21 09:17:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

tante=taint??

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2010-08-21 08:45:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Niiiiice.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-21 08:43:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

If there is a credit to be made you better believe that the Hutts have an interest in it. If Dark Jedi porn can be found anywhere it has got to be on Nal Hutta.

Submitted by Poots at 2010-08-21 07:53:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Do you think that there is, in the star wars universe, a web sight or a place like tihuana that shows dark jedi sexually penatrating other beings with a lightsaber?


Submitted by Poots at 2010-08-21 07:46:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm sure you have your reasons but shouldn't you take your nasty ass home, change your fecal ridden clothes, and wash the hepatitis from your man grove?

Just to let you know, not that you probably care or anything, but I didn't like when you clued me in on what you were talking about (coffee).

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-08-21 06:55:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Embellished but true. :(


You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.

-- Homer Simpson, to God
There's No Disgrace Like Home