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A very rude awakening

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-11-05 11:38:28 EDT
Rating: 1.94 on 51 ratings (51 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Hello trolls and real people, long time no post.

I was reminded the last time I posted, to post something worthwhile, like a fictional story, or even better, a grand and exaggerated anectdote of times past. To those people, I say "Fuck you, I'll post a story when I damn well feel like it and not a minute sooner."

To everyone else, I say "You're welcome."

This post is about rude awakenings, inspired by the one I received this morning at around 3:30am.

I awoke at 3:30 with the feeling of light movement near my package. Not my UPS package mind you, as that was sitting by the door, I mean my twig and berries. Or my penis and testicles if you want to get all scientific about it.

At first, I thought, "Oh geeze, a night-time boner, I guess I'll just knock it out real quick to satisfy the beast, then fall into blissful post-jism sleep."

Then I felt it moving again, only on my nuts. My nuts of course, don't get boners, and aren't exactly prone to movement unless the temperature drops 50 degrees in 30 seconds.

Then, the sting.

I wasn't a painful sting, and it didn't really hurt, but where the sting was located, and the mystery of what had stung me in such a sacred area was enough to make me wake up 100% immediately. Meth doesn't even give such a rush as I experienced this morning from adrenaline.

I'd like to say I put on a manly show, particularly as it didn't hurt, but I shrieked. Not even a man-shriek (or as I like to call them, "war cry before battling spiders my wife points out."), no, this was the shriek of a little bitch.

I screamed like a virgin being deflowered by John Holmes. After it was public he had AIDS.

I flung off the sheets, leapt off the bed, shook my package, pulled off my boxers, and danced around like a fairy on broadway for a good 10 minutes, or until my wife got through to me with her screams of "What the fuck is going on!?!?!"

I wasn't being stung anymore, which was good, but I had yet to see an actual beastie that could have delivered it, so like the black widow I discovered on my forearm a week ago and promptly smacked off, it set off the natural reaction of believing it was hiding somewhere on my person.

After a thorough check, and much reassurance that there was nothing dangerous on my dick, and no, she would not kiss it to make it better, being 3:30 in the morning and she wanting sleep, I began my search under the covers I'd flung aside.

A careful search led me to the culprit, which unfortunately did not bring the hoped for relief of it only being a flea, or perhaps a meer fire ant who'd become lost in my boxers.

It was much, much worse. I killed the sadistic perpetrator, but that has hardly quelled my fear. I spent the remainder of the morning until work online reassuring myself that my most favored body parts wouldn't rot off.

Fear, I know thy face quite well now, and I declare war upon thee, and I intend to use chemical weapons to destroy your kind in what I hope to be the most painful of deaths.

Below is my enemy, and tonight, I will hunt them.

Have any of you ever had a more horrifying method of being woken up?

BAM! Right in the family jewels.jpg
BAM! Right in the family jewels.jpg


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Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-05 08:07:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-11-19 03:53:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2010-11-13 01:29:25 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

I've woken up to a spider the size of tit crawling on my face. Well, a small tit. Like an A cup. Brothers tarantula got loose.

-------

This should be a unit of standard measurement. S.I. unit of Tit, symbol is an upper case T


Submitted by SPECIALk at 2010-11-18 16:51:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by lowsodiummonkey at 2010-11-18 15:52:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Rixes at 2010-11-12 20:29:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've woken up to a spider the size of tit crawling on my face. Well, a small tit. Like an A cup. Brothers tarantula got loose.

Submitted by headcase133 at 2010-11-12 17:22:34 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by misterindifferent at 2010-11-11 09:54:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

hello.

-troll

Submitted by loki at 2010-11-10 07:47:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good god I had no idea those things were in Georgia.

are you sure you don't have bed bugs?

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2010-11-09 20:50:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

MWG, you will now get +2's for infinity from me solely for the fact that you resurrected Professional_Peon below.

*splooges*

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2010-11-09 20:47:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha OUCH!

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-11-08 12:58:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2010-11-08 12:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-11-08 12:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2010-11-07 21:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

That's fucked up.

I'm told that in Arizona they use diatomaceous earth to eradicate scorpions. It's the same stuff you use for swimming pool filters. How the fuck does that work? I googled it:

http://www.getridofthings.com/get-rid-of-scorpions.htm

Diatomaceous earth is powder made of fossilized aquatic diatoms. It is abrasive due to the fact that diatoms generally have sharp spines. It is an effective desiccant for this very reason. It cuts small critters as they wander through it causing them to become dehydrated and die.
-----
Interesting. I use DE as the filter medium in my pool water system, and I have scorpions. Next time I catch one, I'll test this theory with "The Ring Of Death".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It needs to be dry to work. The reason I haven't laced my house with the stuff is because it's hell on your lungs, and only works as long as it's dry.

Plus, I have a very retarded golden retriever that would eat it, causing me to pay huge amounts of money for veterinary services.

I found another on my bedroom floor last night, and I'm keeping it alive to die of starvation inside an empty film canister. Every once in awhile, I'm shaking the fucker to make sure it's aware of it's fuckededness. If that's not a word (fuckededness) I'm making it one, and trademarking it.
-----
I use Demon WP mixed double strength and sprayed 5 ft up the walls and 5ft out into the yard. It's a powdered form of the neurotoxin in bee/wasp spray that we know and love since it works so very well. Get a good sprayer, some goggles, and go forth to slay among them. Also: Don't let the retardog out until it's dried.

http://doyourownpestcontrol.com/demonwp.htm


Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-11-08 12:46:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-11-08 12:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2010-11-07 21:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

That's fucked up.

I'm told that in Arizona they use diatomaceous earth to eradicate scorpions. It's the same stuff you use for swimming pool filters. How the fuck does that work? I googled it:

http://www.getridofthings.com/get-rid-of-scorpions.htm

Diatomaceous earth is powder made of fossilized aquatic diatoms. It is abrasive due to the fact that diatoms generally have sharp spines. It is an effective desiccant for this very reason. It cuts small critters as they wander through it causing them to become dehydrated and die.
-----
Interesting. I use DE as the filter medium in my pool water system, and I have scorpions. Next time I catch one, I'll test this theory with "The Ring Of Death".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It needs to be dry to work. The reason I haven't laced my house with the stuff is because it's hell on your lungs, and only works as long as it's dry.

Plus, I have a very retarded golden retriever that would eat it, causing me to pay huge amounts of money for veterinary services.

I found another on my bedroom floor last night, and I'm keeping it alive to die of starvation inside an empty film canister. Every once in awhile, I'm shaking the fucker to make sure it's aware of it's fuckededness. If that's not a word (fuckededness) I'm making it one, and trademarking it.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-11-08 12:35:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2010-11-07 21:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

That's fucked up.

I'm told that in Arizona they use diatomaceous earth to eradicate scorpions. It's the same stuff you use for swimming pool filters. How the fuck does that work? I googled it:

http://www.getridofthings.com/get-rid-of-scorpions.htm

Diatomaceous earth is powder made of fossilized aquatic diatoms. It is abrasive due to the fact that diatoms generally have sharp spines. It is an effective desiccant for this very reason. It cuts small critters as they wander through it causing them to become dehydrated and die.
-----
Interesting. I use DE as the filter medium in my pool water system, and I have scorpions. Next time I catch one, I'll test this theory with "The Ring Of Death".

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-11-08 10:55:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Have any of you ever had a more horrifying method of being woken up?

___

Yes waking up next to my boyfriends brother.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-11-08 09:10:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Works Very Well Spotting Scorpions

Makes semen stains and other bodily fluids fluoresce!
Perfect for outside use such as hunting scorpions and minerals!
Water and shock resistant!
Perfect for Leak Detection!
Rugged, machined aluminum construction with knurled design

how can you NOT buy one of these?

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2010-11-08 07:50:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nothing strikes utter terror in a man like creepy crawlies wandering around on his junk.

Submitted by BranDo at 2010-11-08 05:17:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

filename!

Submitted by X54 at 2010-11-07 21:36:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's fucked up.

I'm told that in Arizona they use diatomaceous earth to eradicate scorpions. It's the same stuff you use for swimming pool filters. How the fuck does that work? I googled it:

http://www.getridofthings.com/get-rid-of-scorpions.htm

Diatomaceous earth is powder made of fossilized aquatic diatoms. It is abrasive due to the fact that diatoms generally have sharp spines. It is an effective desiccant for this very reason. It cuts small critters as they wander through it causing them to become dehydrated and die.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-11-07 10:10:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Have any of you ever had a more horrifying method of being woken up?"
~~~
More horrifying than this HUGE scorpion under the covers?

I was thinking about this post last night as I was TRYING to go to sleep. Exactly how big is this damn thing?

Gaahhhhhh

~~~

Speaking of John Holmes, while researching mass murders recently, his name came up. Seems that he left a bloody hand print at the "Wonderland" apartment. Four corpses were found inside. Wondering if any of them had AIDS? Methinks Mr. Holmes was a bloody Porn star.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-11-06 19:24:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-11-05 18:53:08 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Oh and get a UV light it makes them glow.
~~~~~

Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2010-11-05 17:31:26 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2

This. Get one. You will be glad you did.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=200379740586&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT

Scorpion light link above.

When hunting these, remember the old "light bait" trick. They are drawn to campfire flames and...oh well
good luck-if this is a colony, they might surround you and do the stinger dance
saw it happen once



Submitted by ChaosJester at 2010-11-06 03:08:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I once had a similar experience when I pulled on some jeans one fine morning in Central Texas.

I thought the first sting was just one of my leg hairs getting yanked out somehow. The second, third and fourth sting quickly convinced me otherwise.

I was naked instantly. The culprit soon met a rather messy fate and, like you, I then spent some time researching scorpion stings. As my ex-nurse mother told me as I hysterically sobbed into the phone, it's no big deal, usually.

Still freaked me the fuck out, though.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2010-11-06 00:18:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

maybe it got scared when she saw the size of your package?

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2010-11-05 23:46:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ah shit, forgot to respond to skrapmetal:

luckily haven't seen any since moving to FL, but will be careful for now on and check trees.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2010-11-05 23:45:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've only seen scorpions in north georgia, in southern GA and coastal GA they are pretty absent. I bet you live in the greater ATL metro area. I'm sorry i never got to meet you. especially since i could tell every one about how this guy i know got stung in the balls by a scorpion.

fuck it, i'll tell em that any way.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-11-05 21:53:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh and get a UV light it makes them glow.

Submitted by TuTs at 2010-11-05 21:51:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha, that's great. Not even I get scorpions and apparently Australia is doomsday or some shit. I'm going to start taking photos of the creatures I find in my house soon.

Submitted by Wildman at 2010-11-05 21:46:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I guess, now, we can start calling you: The Scorpion Queen



Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-11-05 20:31:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-11-05 19:55:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We get those in in FL too. They're Brown Scorpions, and don't get very big. Their sting is rarely deadly (you have to be particularly allergic) and has been compared in severity and longevity of pain to a wasp sting my me and MLW, who have both been stung by them. But

They.
Climb.
Trees.

Scorpions in the trees. That's seven kinds of fucked up.



Also: epic "you have to suck out the poison or I'll die" fail.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2010-11-05 19:06:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Mmm...incapacitating.

-- Homer Simpson
The Springfield Connection

Submitted by paxilliona at 2010-11-05 17:30:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by willartstorg at 2010-11-05 17:14:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Did you get it to sing "Rock You Like a Hurricane?"


I would have screamed like an entire chorus of little bitches.

Submitted by Darth_Famine at 2010-11-05 16:46:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nope never seen em around here

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-11-05 15:32:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Schlongy, the weird thing is that you have gators, which we don't have, even though you're north of me. It's all due to that coastal temp. difference I guess.

At least gators can't climb into your bed with you unawares, unless you're falling down drunk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darth, you're north of me too. You mean to tell me you never realized you had them? They're supposedly more common around the mountains where you are.


Submitted by Darth_Famine at 2010-11-05 15:19:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Shit I live in Georgia!! well that's it, i'm calling the orkin man.

Right now!


Submitted by Shlongy at 2010-11-05 15:15:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We have 'gators, armadillos, deer, feral cats, tons of those fucking squirells, wasps and gnats.

No scorpions.

And we do not live near the beach.

PS. And it's sure as shit not a mansion.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-11-05 14:35:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm sure they're their Schlongy, but they probably aren't as prevalent near beachfront mansions.

Or maybe not, supposedly their range is around the mountains, but I live about as far away from them as you do.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2010-11-05 14:18:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Georgia? WTF?

We sure as shit don't have 'em in SC.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2010-11-05 14:17:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have to admit; I would sell the house and everything in it and move.

Submitted by moneyshotforyou at 2010-11-05 13:54:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Artillery has nothing on a ball hunting scorpion.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2010-11-05 13:46:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Poots at 2010-11-05 12:59:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

She sees the hand and visi won't touch her
she reaches in and soon it tears you apart

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-11-05 12:47:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FUCKING SKORPIONS!!! thats some crazy shit!

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-11-05 12:38:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

damn! those things arent up in NY, scorpions are shit you'ld only find in nightmares or movies with mummys in them.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-11-05 12:33:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2010-11-05 12:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

WTF kinda desert wasteland do you live in that scorpions ar household pests?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Central Georgia, between Macon and Atlanta, in the suburbs. I didn't realize until I'd lived here for almost 8 years.
We get these small scorpions maybe 1" long, the sting doesn't even hurt, bee stings are worse. It's all about the psychological trauma, and the freakiness of finding that picture between your legs.

My wife got stung twice in the hand last fall. This time of year they try to seek warmth, so they move indoors. You can find them in lamps, on carpets, on walls, or even ceilings.

NOWHERE IS SAFE.

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2010-11-05 12:29:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

well, it doesn't look like john h or a nigga with the hiv antibodies. ithink you'll be fine.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2010-11-05 12:27:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WTF kinda desert wasteland do you live in that scorpions ar household pests?

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2010-11-05 12:21:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I had a tick attached to the same location once. i didn't enjoy the experience. i'm not sure which would be more unpleasant.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2010-11-05 12:11:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Huh?

Submitted by rob_berg at 2010-11-05 12:02:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I got the heebie jeebies when I read this.

Well done... and, uh, yeah - sorry about that.


Submitted by Pukka at 2010-11-05 11:48:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"no, this was the shriek of a little bitch."

Not bloody surprised mate. Hope the plums don’t turn to watermelons…


Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash 'em!

-- Homer Simpson
Boy-Scoutz n the Hood