A very rude awakeningSubmitted by monkeyswithguns at 2010-11-05 11:38:28 EDT
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Hello trolls and real people, long time no post.
I was reminded the last time I posted, to post something worthwhile, like a fictional story, or even better, a grand and exaggerated anectdote of times past. To those people, I say "Fuck you, I'll post a story when I damn well feel like it and not a minute sooner."
To everyone else, I say "You're welcome."
This post is about rude awakenings, inspired by the one I received this morning at around 3:30am.
I awoke at 3:30 with the feeling of light movement near my package. Not my UPS package mind you, as that was sitting by the door, I mean my twig and berries. Or my penis and testicles if you want to get all scientific about it.
At first, I thought, "Oh geeze, a night-time boner, I guess I'll just knock it out real quick to satisfy the beast, then fall into blissful post-jism sleep."
Then I felt it moving again, only on my nuts. My nuts of course, don't get boners, and aren't exactly prone to movement unless the temperature drops 50 degrees in 30 seconds.
Then, the sting.
I wasn't a painful sting, and it didn't really hurt, but where the sting was located, and the mystery of what had stung me in such a sacred area was enough to make me wake up 100% immediately. Meth doesn't even give such a rush as I experienced this morning from adrenaline.
I'd like to say I put on a manly show, particularly as it didn't hurt, but I shrieked. Not even a man-shriek (or as I like to call them, "war cry before battling spiders my wife points out."), no, this was the shriek of a little bitch.
I screamed like a virgin being deflowered by John Holmes. After it was public he had AIDS.
I flung off the sheets, leapt off the bed, shook my package, pulled off my boxers, and danced around like a fairy on broadway for a good 10 minutes, or until my wife got through to me with her screams of "What the fuck is going on!?!?!"
I wasn't being stung anymore, which was good, but I had yet to see an actual beastie that could have delivered it, so like the black widow I discovered on my forearm a week ago and promptly smacked off, it set off the natural reaction of believing it was hiding somewhere on my person.
After a thorough check, and much reassurance that there was nothing dangerous on my dick, and no, she would not kiss it to make it better, being 3:30 in the morning and she wanting sleep, I began my search under the covers I'd flung aside.
A careful search led me to the culprit, which unfortunately did not bring the hoped for relief of it only being a flea, or perhaps a meer fire ant who'd become lost in my boxers.
It was much, much worse. I killed the sadistic perpetrator, but that has hardly quelled my fear. I spent the remainder of the morning until work online reassuring myself that my most favored body parts wouldn't rot off.
Fear, I know thy face quite well now, and I declare war upon thee, and I intend to use chemical weapons to destroy your kind in what I hope to be the most painful of deaths.
Below is my enemy, and tonight, I will hunt them.
Have any of you ever had a more horrifying method of being woken up?
BAM! Right in the family jewels.jpg