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Dude, I'm Seriously Fucked Up.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-12-03 09:48:07 EST
Rating: 1.59 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

http://www.ubersite.com/m/76188

I don’t know why it is that my brain occasionally fucks with me.

I have engaged in extensive internal debate on this subject, I have even opened the subject to external debate a time or two, each time reaching one of two responses: “Yeah! Why the fuck does it do that?!” or “Dude, you’re seriously fucked up.” This latter group is in denial.

Maybe “fucks with me” isn’t the correct description. Perhaps I mean that it keeps me honest? No, I mean, it does, but that isn’t the most apt descriptor either. I think what I mean is that my brain periodically checks to be sure I am still paying attention to what it is sending me (I am fully cognizant of how ridiculous that sounds.).

Sometimes when I am a little slow, it almost gets away with its cockamamie notions.

You ever find yourself with a ketchup squeeze bottle wondering just how far it can shoot or whether that woman in the next booth would feel it if you squeezed the thin red line onto the back of her hair? Ever feel the momentary impulse to grab the plate from right in front of someone and fling it all over them? How about wanting to trip the business man who brushes past you in such a rush to get absolutely no fucking where important? Am I the only one, or is that kid with an armload of books begging for someone to knock them over? Yeah, I thought so. These people are asking for it, or so my brain would have me believe.

You know what it’s like? It’s like in a cartoon when the little Devil and Angel pop out to talk to the character? Like that, but a little different. You see, cartoons always led me to believe that there would be an angelic counterpart. Y’know, someone or something to be the voice of reason and sanity? Some part of my brain to try and talk me into helping the homeless, or feeding a stray dog? Or at least to provide a little balance! Some sort of counterweight to these silly ideas!

Sometimes I indulge, it’s a guilty pleasure really, I can typically convince my brain that something so overt isn’t necessary to convey the same desire or disdain. But, sometimes, my pleas fall on deaf ears… Sometimes nothing else will satiate desire. Nothing, but to the toddlers expression when I’ve taken its candy, or the exaggerated gesture which causes the bicyclist to panic and crash, (Fucking bicycles shouldn’t be on the sidewalk anyway! My tiny, trident wielding, friend croons.). Sometimes, my brain will not be satisfied, unless, I reach out and gently squeeze a shapely posterior or pair of perky breasts in a crowded elevator. “They’re always too shocked to do anything about it.” He whispers this to undermine my protestations.

You know what is really strange about all this? The more I allow him these little whimsies, the more he likes them and the more he talks about them. My little antagonist tries to encourage me to go after the attractive woman passing by. He flashes memories before my senses. I can see my girlfriend, taste her, smell her, feel her, not just her either, the waitress, the girl in the elevator, hell, every woman that ever made me hard. They’re all her and she is all of them, sometimes I can’t keep control.

Sometimes his ideas aren’t just silly though… Sometimes they’re downright mean.

Have you ever caught yourself reaching to shove a woman off a subway platform as a train approaches? Maybe you’ve, yanked your foot back, just before a distracted construction guy tripped over it and impaled himself on rebar? “Wouldn’t be your fault.” My rosy, little, cloven hoof friend intones.

Have you ever come to your senses while standing over your sleeping girlfriend with a knife in hand?

My friend whispers to me about these ideas; he’s always asking me why I don’t just do what I want to? “Life is short. You’ll like it. Imagine the power, imagine being able to...”
“…teach that snotty bitch not to stand so close to the edge.”
“…remind that motherfucker that construction is dangerous and that he’s been fucking with the wrong guy.”
“… shut her the hell up!”
“How many times have you begged her to shut her mouth so you wouldn’t lose it? How many times did she compare you to that fucking pussy ex of hers? Who the fuck cares what her Father thinks, or how much money that corporate cocksucker made last year? He’s got calluses on his lips, rug burns on his knees and no fucking spine and we’re supposed to be impressed by him?!”

And sometimes, I worry…

I worry about my friends advice, about where he is taking my life. Sure, he’s almost always right, but I still worry. I worry because the freezer is full, I can hear the neighbors dog sniffing at the door whenever he’s out for a walk and I worry because the girl at the grocery store keeps looking at me funny whenever I go buy new car fresheners… My brain says I should get a new freezer or learn to cook, soon.


Iwantedadissmemberedbodyinafreezerbutcouldntfindone.jpg
Iwantedadissmemberedbodyinafreezerbutcouldntfindone.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2010-12-08 13:27:11 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I really liked this. Not polished but real. Keep up the good work.

Submitted by steph at 2010-12-05 06:32:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Poots at 2010-12-04 08:18:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you sound pretty a-ok to me. UNLESS!.!.!>>>>> I'M SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP TOO! OMG! *NUKE BOMBS* *FUCK RAIN* *POO POO PLATTER* *DINGLEBERRY PIE* *SMART MISSLES* *GAY VAMPIRES*


I called doctor phil already and he said I was ok so corellatively(no crap) you are ok too.

*smile*


Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-12-04 04:31:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2010-12-03 12:48:46 PST (#)
Ranking: 2

been there, done that but when he made the front door lock i was put back in my place

his tin-bending and kitchen utensil manufacturing wasn't too shabby either
~~~
Wooden spoons?

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-12-04 02:56:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Wow, did I really just get dissed for the dame from Murder She Wrote?

Submitted by orphelia at 2010-12-04 02:35:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm going to read this later, i'm distracted by bedknob and broomsticks and teacakes

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2010-12-04 01:00:25 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I can relate, though never, ever would I act on any of these impulses. The reason being, I dislike being arrested.

Submitted by asmasta808 at 2010-12-03 17:02:20 EST (#)
Rating: -1

lady in the water was a shit movie.

Submitted by headcase133 at 2010-12-03 16:59:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Have you ever come to your senses while standing over your sleeping girlfriend with a knife in hand?"

Submitted by Ducky at 2010-12-03 16:46:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by misterindifferent (user info) at 2010-12-03 13:09:18 PST (#)
Ranking: 0

kinda okayish
______________

I found that amusing.

Submitted by misterindifferent at 2010-12-03 16:09:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

kinda okayish

Submitted by joedaddy at 2010-12-03 15:48:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

been there, done that but when he made the front door lock i was put back in my place

his tin-bending and kitchen utensil manufacturing wasn't too shabby either

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-12-03 14:30:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-12-03 10:06:17 PST (#)
Ranking: 0

Squirrel,
Y'know what's funny? I do have strange impulses (Actually, I think we all do.) but as I was writing about it I kept looking over it and saying to myself "Man this is crap and reads like a blog... I need to twist this to make it decent!" by the time I was done editing and tweaking only the first paragraph or so was original text, goes to show what an editors pencil can do.

Also, you know my Alaska obsession, right? Have you ever seen Alone in The Wilderness? Awesome movie that I get the feeling you would enjoy. About a 50 something fella named Dick Proenekke who went and lived in the Alaska Wilderness just to see if he could. Build himself a log cabin alone by hand. Really cool.

X, you're right but my brain refused to create something to smooth the transition. I had to decide to post it today or let it marinade in the brain over night (and thereby run the risk of not finishing it or hacking and slashing it into something else the following morning.) I felt about 90% on it so I posted it.

Sico, Whicheverone personally I don't think you remember them all so you certainly couldn't expect me to!
~~~
I sure have seen the flick! I watched the way he put that cabin together by himself. Watched the way he notched the logs with nothing but a hand axe. {you know I did} heh

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2010-12-03 14:15:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Uber is getting awfully self reflective of late...

I enjoyed this.

I think it's pretty normal. I often wonder what's stopping me from swerving into oncoming traffic, yet I never do it, so I'm not worried...


Submitted by j0andre1 at 2010-12-03 13:58:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I lost a job for following those impulses... AND caught herpes.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-12-03 13:30:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I saw that and just started laughing, shaking my head and saying "Fucking Sicko!" Actually I used your real name but I think you get the point. Still need to make time to buy you that beer.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-12-03 13:28:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Who are those retards below?

I have 18 more if you want me to roll them out too!

Submitted by Offspring at 2010-12-03 13:27:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Here! And hit the tread mill. You are one donut away from critically obese.

Submitted by weather at 2010-12-03 13:26:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

God you're a fat cunt!

Submitted by rubbermaid at 2010-12-03 13:26:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Roll call!

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-12-03 13:21:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

hahaha well played :)

In other news... (I just wanna tell someone about this and who better than a bunch of estrangers on Uber, right?) I've been using Bates Boots for several years now. I've been consistently pleased with their products for at least five years (or so...) until these most recent pairs (two pairs, so I can rotate 'em) which started literally falling apart within six months. So I wrote them a note on their website saying I was disappointed, really I thought they might give me a discount on a new pair of boots or a STFU response well they surprised me. I wrote my email this morning and this evening I got an email back saying that they're already shipping two new pairs of identical boots to my house and they understand I'm overseas and to please send back the defective pairs when I have time. I'm really impressed and rather happy. :)

That is all.

Submitted by august_sobriquet at 2010-12-03 13:09:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

here you go

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-12-03 13:06:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Squirrel,
Y'know what's funny? I do have strange impulses (Actually, I think we all do.) but as I was writing about it I kept looking over it and saying to myself "Man this is crap and reads like a blog... I need to twist this to make it decent!" by the time I was done editing and tweaking only the first paragraph or so was original text, goes to show what an editors pencil can do.

Also, you know my Alaska obsession, right? Have you ever seen Alone in The Wilderness? Awesome movie that I get the feeling you would enjoy. About a 50 something fella named Dick Proenekke who went and lived in the Alaska Wilderness just to see if he could. Build himself a log cabin alone by hand. Really cool.

X, you're right but my brain refused to create something to smooth the transition. I had to decide to post it today or let it marinade in the brain over night (and thereby run the risk of not finishing it or hacking and slashing it into something else the following morning.) I felt about 90% on it so I posted it.

Sico, Whicheverone personally I don't think you remember them all so you certainly couldn't expect me to!

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-12-03 12:24:40 EST (#)
Rating: 0

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Submitted by RoadSong at 2010-12-03 12:04:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sometimes, my brain will not be satisfied, unless, I reach out and gently squeeze a shapely posterior or pair of perky breasts in a crowded elevator. “They’re always too shocked to do anything about it.” He whispers this to undermine my protestations.
~~~
Normal.






The urge to HURT or KILL others is NOT NORMAL. Dude, you are in fact fucked up!
I don't care, I like you in spite of the psycho knife wielding part of you standing over the bed.


*reminds self to sleep lightly in Vegas next time*

Submitted by X54 at 2010-12-03 11:12:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Started off well, but the transition to the ending seemed a little abrupt to me.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2010-12-03 11:00:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good read.

I have a list, if you need to get away from town for a while.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-12-03 10:35:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-12-03 10:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

I'd rather be boring than a narcissist :) Now go get your alter (ego?) to drop my +2.
========

Which one?

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-12-03 10:31:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can sympathise.

I usually do trip that cunt that pushes past me, and if i fail to trip him i run after him and push him into a bin.

Does anyone still press all the buttons in a lift when they disembark or is it just me. I also like to let out silent violent farts in lifts, or near radiators. Why DO radiators make it smell worse?

I also enjoy smearing brown sauce on the reverse side of car door handles.


Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2010-12-03 10:26:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

stip being ridiculous

*stop

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2010-12-03 10:24:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not bad.

Not great either. Kind of comes off as "dear blog-gy".

Submitted by viciousness63 at 2010-12-03 10:23:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by Yozz at 2010-12-03 10:21:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

You are not a unique snowflake. You are just an asshole - the world is full of them. Embrace it.

Submitted by YourNameHere at 2010-12-03 10:14:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

fine

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-12-03 10:05:39 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'd rather be boring than a narcissist :) Now go get your alter (ego?) to drop my +2.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2010-12-03 09:58:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Wow, any other bed time stories you boring fuck?


Foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too!

-- Homer Simpson
The Last Temptation of Homer