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Hoth - I can't believe you made me write fanfic (A Poots contest entry)

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 06:46:10 EST
Rating: 1.56 on 126 ratings (126 reviews) (Review this item) (V)


The planet, a small craggy white ball silhouetted in the blue of its atmosphere appeared on the main viewer whilst the reports from sensor droids scrolled along the peripheries for what seemed like the hundredth time. Analysts in their grey uniforms sat in rapt attention despite the beeps and whirring sounds all around the command deck of the Executor. The General, in his Olive Drab uniform strolled closer to the viewer and studied the planet below. His brown eyes flicked this way and that across slowly rotating image as he was preoccupied willing himself to see the subsurface base his droids reported existed beneath the surface ice. The Admiral approached from behind and spoke:

“General, we’ve synchronized orbit and the landing craft are prepared, shall I commence the invasion?”

Major General Maximilian Veers cast a withering look at the black suited Admiral Ozzel.

“Would you be so presumptuous in a pain amplifier, I wonder?”

“What?” It was a dare to repeat himself, not a question

“You idiot, do you know what would happen if you signal the attack? No, Lord Vader will dictate when to land the troops.”

“Then I suggest you contact him immediately, their sensors will certainly register our presence.”

“Perhaps if not for your incompetence we would have the element of surprise?”

“My competence? For your information asteroids are not conducive to a long life when one is aboard a starship! If you and Tarkin had finished the job on Yavin there wouldn’t be a Rebel Alliance!”

“You bastard, that’s treason and Lord Vader will hear of…”

The eyes of both red faced soldiers widened. They simultaneously gasped for breath as the living force coiled is icy tendrils tighter around each throat. They rose through the air, face to face, helpless and terror stricken. There was a gasp from the helmsman who witnessed the event before his better sense took hold and he returned his attention to his console.

“Why was I not informed that we have arrived?” The mechanical voice boomed from beneath the polished black mask of the Sith. He relaxed the tension in his raised hand and the ability to speak was, temporarily, granted to the dumbstruck men. It was Ozzel who spoke first:

“My Lord, we had just arrived and were going to contact you immediately, the landing craft are boarded and all…” His voice drowned in a weak croak as the force again closed his windpipe.

“Did I not instruct you that this was to be a surprise attack? Did I not instruct you to inform me before leaving hyperspace? You have failed me, Admiral.” A strangled cry escaped the constricted throat as the man was lifted higher and turned to face his tormentor, his eyes seemed to bulge and his hands clawed wildly at a something that wasn’t there, somehow he managed to beg:

“Ple.. please.. my lo.. plea..” His eyes beginning to roll into the back of his head his body stiffened before going limp. The merciful Sith Lord released the Admiral who collapsed in a heap.

“Do not fail me again.” The mechanical voice carried a menace that every man in the Empire knew too well, the weak it tormented in their dreams while the ambitious, like Veers, were filled with pride and a healthy dose of fear. “As for you, General.” The man maintained his composure as well as any man whose feet were no longer touching the floor may. “Do you not have an AT-AT to command in this battle? Do not make me reconsider Grand Admiral Thrawn’s recommendation of you. There are worse places in the galaxy than the prison on Zaloriis…” The General stiffened at the implication.

“My Lord. I would never disappoint you. If not for…”

“See that you do not.” With that the Sith dropped the General and turned away. “You will personally lead the invasion force.”

The man steadied himself and stood straight.

“It will be as you command m’lord.” With a bow he clicked his heels and marched down the gangway to the hyperlift.

The mirror polished jett armor of the Sith reflected the viewers solitary image as he approached the giant screen. The bluewhite marble spun slowly on its axis. The mechanical respiration of the suit slowed and mirrored lenses did not betray the closed eyes within.

“I can feel you, Skywalker…” The voice was just above a whisper but carried the tone of malice and ill intent through the force to its recipient. “I am coming for you…”

~~~~~

The ice covered floor of the valley surrounding Echo Base was alive with blaster fire. Veers had deployed his armored squadron with the efficiency and technical expertise that had become the hallmark of his military career. The AT-AT squadron, designated Blizzard, marched the valley floor slowly tightening the noose on the doomed Rebel base. Lord Vader, tired of watching the Rebel shield generator grow in his viewfinder a single step at a time snapped the periscope like devices handles into position and watched it sink into the floor with a hiss.

“Commander, take control.” The sound of a crisply snapped salute was the only response.

Vader walked to the communications holocron.

“Blizzard One, maintain a course for their shield generators. Keep the AT-ST’s active on our flanks to destroy any ground resistance and notify Admiral Ozzel of any entrenched rebels. They have already begun their evacuation and I do not want to waste any more time bringing these scum to their knees.”

The two foot image of Veers saluted. “It will be as you command my lord.”

The Sith pressed a button on the holocron console and watched the image flicker and vanish. Turning he strode off the bridge and into the hold of the massive Imperial ‘Walker’. He spied the gangway he wanted, marching into the belly of the steel behemoth and climbed into the cockpit of the INT-4 Interceptor. It wasn’t his TIE Advanced, but it would do for a short trip. Sliding the overhead cockpit closed he pressed a button and skimmed the preflight checklist, another button was pressed and the craft dropped from between the massive AT-AT’s legs, the engines engaging and speeding him toward the valley wall.

He had no sooner wrested control from the autopilot when a pair of T-47 snowspeeders dropped in behind him sending several blasts across his nose. Jerking the controls up he abruptly climbed and spun the craft into an evasive maneuver that only one of the speeders kept up with. Trusting the deflector shields to the rear of his craft for a moment or two he came around in a wide arc behind his shaken pursuer. The craft seemed to flinch as no doubt the rebel busying himself with firing into Vaders rear informed his comrades that their small craft was now a target. Too late: The single blaster cannon fired twice rocking the airspeeder and then igniting it’s foils. Smoking and burning it plunged nose first into the snowy valley floor and exploded. Lord Vader’s mask showed none of the elation he felt at watching the pair of rebels die again and again in his minds eye.

His INT’s deflector shields shaking the small craft woke him from his revelry and spurned him into another mad maneuver that the pitiful little T-47, a cargo vessel by design, couldn’t keep up with. Taking his time and feeling the fear emanating from the pilot, through the force, The dark lord fired once, and then again and again. The pilot died while transmitting incoherent, sobbing messages, his craft disintegrating around him.

After the pair of speeders were no more than smoking debris the Sith aimed his craft at the massive shield generators in the distance, dodging the occasional blaster shot in his direction he arrived in short order and began strafing runs on the Atgar P-Towers the rebels seemed to think would protect their shield generator. Lord Vader had no fear that this ancient artillery piece would actually turn the tide for the rebellion instead he relished the fact that each gun required a crew of four men to be standing in the cold waiting for his blaster cannon to send them flying. After a run or two his precision with the INT’s poor weapon increased and he was managing to kill the entire crew with a single shot. He tried to avoid damaging the tower so more rebel scum would come and attempt to man it.

With three towers to a battery and three batteries on each side of the massive shield generator Vader was thoroughly enjoying himself before the recklessness of systematically running strafing runs across each battery of P-Towers caught the attention of the onboard targeting computers of a small group of MLC-3 unmanned laser cannons, within another half dozen passes they had fixed on Vaders trajectory and crippled his light starfighter. As his INT-4 fell burning from the sky the Sith kept his calm and opened the hatch using his command of the force to propel him up and out of the craft just before impact he landed with a heavy thud, not even breathing hard.

Willing the signature weapon of the Sith to hand he ignited the red beam of his lightsaber and began his march through the icy valley towards the shield generator and P-Towers that had now retrained what remained of their armaments on him. The signature hum and barking report of the towers were ample warning for him to deflect the bolts back to their origin. He couldn’t help but think that a Jedi Padawan could have deflected them with such a signature warning. Allowing his mind to wander, he marched, deflecting bolts and blasts with deadly accuracy.

A riderless Tauntaun crossed his path ahead intercepting a bolt from the last of the P-Towers. The charred and smoldering beast flew towards him but his command of the force warned him. He reached out with the force and intercepted the screaming animal, mid flight, and threw it at the tower the blast had come from. The tower erupted in a satisfying gout of flame. Lord Vader extinguished his glowing blade and altered his course for the mouth of the icy cave several hundred meters to his right. The now defenseless shield generator was quickly destroyed by the herd of AT-AT’s behind their dark lord.

“My Lord…” General Veers’ voice came over the communications array aboard the Executor.

“Report.”

“We’ve lost two AT-AT’s and a number of the smaller AT configurations, a significant number of Thermal Detonator Troopers, SnowTroopers and most of our Z-74’s. Their forces are in disarray and are in open flight without their shield generator. Permission to begin bombardment?”

“You may commence. Contact Admiral Ozzel and tell him that if any of the Rebels escape his blockade I shall be severely displeased.”

“It will be done, my lord…”

The dark lord stopped marching and turned to witness the death throes of the Rebel Alliance. The AT-AT’s marched and fired their heavy laser cannons, their medium blasters harrying those of the Rebel Alliance that attempted to fight as they fled as well as repel those T-47’s that hadn’t stopped trying to tie cable around the massive walkers legs. Eventually nearly all of the AT-AT’s had come to a halt and trained their weapons on the mountain under which the rebels base was being crushed. The Dark Lord of the Sith watched as a severely damaged T-47 steered the terminally injured craft right into the cockpit of Blizzard One.

“General Veers.”

Static greeted Lord Vader.

The Sith turned back to the ice cavern just as the hanger door finished collapsing. The bombardment continued long after that.



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Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-10 07:36:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm a hunter for hire
with no plans to retire
and all the sucka mc's can call me sire.

My backpack's got jet's
I'm bobba the fett
I bounty hunt for jabba the hutt
to finance my vette

wicky wicky wicky

I chill in deep space
a mask is over my face
-m.c. chris


It's imperative that you understand
Obi Won would never bother
Telling you of your father

He told me enough
he told me you killed him

there's something I must reveal then
I'm your father
I'm your father
I'm your father
I'm your father

Knock em out the box luke
knock em out

Knock em out the box luke
Knock em out

-star wars gangster rap

Submitted by willartstorg at 2011-02-09 01:27:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There is a bar
Right across the street
He's got a need
He just can't beat
Out on the floor
He shuffles his feet away

He'll get the girl
'Cos he looks so fine
He's gonna win her every time
He knows he will
He's dressed to kill
He's a night owl

(Move on)
(There's a heart)
(Of a night owl callin')
(To belong)
(She's crying in the night)
(Be strong)
(Find the heart of the night owl fallin')
Stay up 'til dawn
(Until the night is gone)

What will become
Of the restless kind
Where do they go
When they've done their time
Wearin' their hearts out
On the line
For all to see
Must be the gypsy
In their soul
They have a need
To rock and roll
They always will
They're out there still
They're the night owls

(Move on)
(There's a heart)
(Of a night owl callin')
(To belong)
(She's crying in the night)
(Be strong)
(Find the heart of the night owl fallin')
Stay up 'til dawn
(Until the night has gone)

[Instrumental Interlude]

There is a bar
Right across the street
He's got a need
He just can't beat
Out on the floor
He shuffles his feet away
Yea yeah, e-yeah
He'll get the girl
'Cos he looks so fine
He's gonna win her every time
He knows he will
He's out there still
He's a night owl

(Move on)
(There's a heart)
(Of a night owl callin')
(To belong)
(She's crying in the night)
[The night goes on and on]
(Be strong)
(Find the heart of a night owl fallin')
Stay up 'til dawn
Until the night has gooooone


Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-09 01:13:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

i'll practice the tongue exercises but...

true story. i once got fixed up with a lezza, i'm known to be open minded. i only had my eldest at the time and i thought why not? so we started off texting, she'd like do it a zillion times a day which at first was flattering but also expensive so when i said this she started topping my phone up. We arranged to meet in fact she came over and stayed the weekend (i'd already seen pics of her, she was just an average pretty blonde) and we got on well enough and when it came to night time i was well excited but she said 'is it ok if we just cuddle? i want to do pysical things but i am just not ready yet'. I was gutted. for the first time i realised why some men might call women bitches. We kissed but i didn't even get a feel of her titties. when she left i said i would phone but i never did.

~~~~~
*fap fap fap...* awwwwwww :(

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-09 01:01:34 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2011-02-08 12:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Ooo! Ooo! I've been dying for someone to ask about them! Oh happy day!

She has the most awesome nipples! Areolae are perfect-sized and not too dark. They snap erect with the slightest stimulation, including just talking in her ear (I've a bit of a baritone voice). I can get her off just by playing with them. They're perched atop beautiful 36C breasts, too, that protect my arm from the dream demons while I sleep.

The best part is that talking about this on Uber actually increases my chances of getting laid if she sees it.

This place makes me feel so fucking dirty. I love you guys!

~~~~~

This is the first thing I read this morning after logging in. Still wiping sleep crusticles from the corners of my eyes and already midswallow with a cup of extremely hot coffee. I now have a burn in my mouth, an eye aching from where I poked it and hot coffee in my keyboard. Silvrwolf, you're my hero.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 19:24:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"...when it came to night time i was well excited but she said 'is it ok if we just cuddle? i want to do pysical things but i am just not ready yet'. I was gutted. for the first time i realised why some men might call women bitches. We kissed but i didn't even get a feel of her titties. when she left i said i would phone but i never did."

It's because of your untrained tongue. You struck out at the kiss. If you dazzle her tongue with yours, she'll be more inclined to let you dazzle other parts. I think my manwhore post had a short lesson on dining at the Y if you'd like a good place to start. <----pretension is good, right?>

I'm drinking and whatnot. Forgive me. If it's any consolation, I'll let you buzz cut my hair anytime. I'll even grow it really long for you and everything. But I demand turkey pot pie in exchange.

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 18:55:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yep, I was right.

Nice work Ridic, some funny would have been good though... I'm still waiting for someone to have DV butt raping a Tauntaun with a giant mechanical phallus... any takers??

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 16:56:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

.... I was gutted. for the first time i realised why some men might call women bitches. We kissed but i didn't even get a feel of her titties. when she left i said i would phone but i never did.


------------

Hahahahahaha! - You don't need to do tongue exercises, you need a sex change

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 16:53:48 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Well, if you can make ORPH gay, maybe she'll send one or two back over to our side. Just make sure she is not shaved head, woman's lib, wookie looking, bull dyke, Ok ORPH?

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 16:50:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

i'll practice the tongue exercises but...

true story. i once got fixed up with a lezza, i'm known to be open minded. i only had my eldest at the time and i thought why not? so we started off texting, she'd like do it a zillion times a day which at first was flattering but also expensive so when i said this she started topping my phone up. We arranged to meet in fact she came over and stayed the weekend (i'd already seen pics of her, she was just an average pretty blonde) and we got on well enough and when it came to night time i was well excited but she said 'is it ok if we just cuddle? i want to do pysical things but i am just not ready yet'. I was gutted. for the first time i realised why some men might call women bitches. We kissed but i didn't even get a feel of her titties. when she left i said i would phone but i never did.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 16:48:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0

*bangs head on keyboard*

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 16:46:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

how do you know she wears a flannel shirt!!!

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 16:44:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

real good FM just drive her to the flanel shirt and chain biker wallet store why dont ya?

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 16:43:02 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'm sure if you get good at chowing on vag, they'll let you in... it's the only thing in the entrance exam, I hear.

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 16:41:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

While having a 'chocolate wheaten tongue' is not ideal, good rhythm is much more important than shape, but from experience, I'm sure you already know that.

Pracise drawing circles, and straight lines on the roof of your mouth (with your tongue, of course!). MAINTAIN the same tempo, and practise at different tempo's. More important that you can step up the speed gradually, creating anticipation, than what your ultimate top speed is.

Move onto to figures of eight when you get good.

Ahh, OK , not sure why I'm telling you this... not sure we want to lose you to the dark side*

Sorry FALLEN







*SWIDT

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 16:28:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

do you know i have a crap tongue. see take jeannees tongue, it's long and has a good tip - really pointy. it flexes. my tongue, i stick it out and it pokes through my lips like the unwanted remaints of a tin of spam. it's round, blunt even and just flaps a little when i try and wiggle it.

i don't think they will ever let me in their club, even if i buy the dungarees and doc martins.

maybe i need to stop shaving. and get a tongueplasty.

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 16:19:39 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Have you started tongue calisthenics? They'll be very important for the next step.

I could give you some pointers, but I don't think I'm the cunnilingual master that Silvr is. He seems too busy gay fighting with sico tho..

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 16:17:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I am made of fail

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 16:11:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

i just came back in hope of nipples but i see nothing but gay.

i blame berg, that bmw driving satan. damn you berg. damn you.

in other news, i am flirting with a lesbian.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 16:07:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

When did you use "awww" on me, buddy? The same post where you complained about our opinions not matching and then in the next comment tell me you never said I gave an opinion? No? Search your "comments made about me" database and fire me a link - preferably one from the last two or three years.

You're getting terrible at this.

Submitted by FilthyMonkey at 2011-02-08 16:05:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Only read half of this +2 on good faith

Does seem devoid of humour, will come back when in serious mode.

Sico and Silvr - I have you guys even 2 rounds a piece, next round is the decider. Dun DaDUUUN!

Submitted by rob_berg at 2011-02-08 15:45:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Sorry, I didn't know you wanted me to participate.

My life is awesome and my BMW rocks.

Life is good. Hooray for me, etc.


Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 15:44:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

sico called a rule 13 violation?

"Nonsensical, uncited, or otherwise incomplete arguments may be immediately recognized as trolls if the first party immediately responds with "Fucking Google It" when further explanation is requested. It can safely be assumed the first party doesn't know what they're talking about and Rule 14 may be invoked."

hahaha

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2011-02-08 15:31:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I should've excluded Rob because he's told us several times about how awesome his life is not to mention his totally bitching BMW, or was it a Mercedes?

And when this place become chalk full of bitches. Jeez, can't anyone rag on each other any more? Fuck you faggots can't even e-fight properly any more.

Furthermore, if you think I was the slight bit put off by my sexual failure I'm sure I wouldn't have posted about it.

Lastly, you can't use the "awwww,..." line after I use it on you. Rule 32.4 §19-8 clearly states that, dick puffer. RULE 13, I WIN!

Submitted by rob_berg at 2011-02-08 15:12:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2


heh... did Simon just give someone crap about validating their existence on Uber?

Y'ALLO THERE POT.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 15:08:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awwwww. Is sico feeling left out? No need to get jelus and anfry, friend.
I'm sorry, little buddy.
Who's a good boy? Who's our good boy?

I know that failing to seal the deal when you're so close and in such a romantic setting is disheartening, but there's no need to take it out on people whom you chose to make witness of your failure. I didn't know that leaving a load in the chamber made people so grumpy. Rub it out, pooky.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2011-02-08 15:00:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Quick everybody, join Silvrworth and validate your existence via uber!

Submitted by Oven at 2011-02-08 14:50:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 14:42:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

make sure to pay attention to her wookie.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 14:42:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

careful you don't get a little darth doo doo on your lightsaber

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 14:21:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have to get her all hoth and bothered first.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 14:17:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you put it in her sither?

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 14:16:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, yeah. Of course.

She wouldn't have made it through the preliminary interview if she didn't.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 13:52:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Silvr and sugar sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g ....

Does she like it in the botty?

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 13:24:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Still pretty clueless, sico. It's cute, though - almost endearing. I could never be as classy as you and your insistence to remind us of the various and sundry ways you fail to get laid.

As tempted as I've been to use her account, I've refrained for the most part. She is as real as it gets. I have it all with her, ladies and gentlemen. She works hard and hands me the entire paycheck. I have any sick, twisted desire I have fulfilled. I place an empty beer on the end table and it's replaced with a full one sans top without a word being spoken. Add to that, she's freakishly strong (sorry, Feely, she's without beard) and can protect me from bullies. I like when she snatches a fireman's carry on one of my big redneck buddies or peels off 250lb leg-curls.

And I don't have anything but wood in my woodshed. The dungeon is in the root cellar. Oh shit! I forgot to feed today.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 13:19:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I second that jealousy.

so to totaly change the subject quickly.
I was never a big SpaghettiO's fan, but these ones with the little meatballs are rockin'
a dash of salt and pepper
mmmmmmm

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 13:12:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

*i'd just like to point out if it is all real, silvr, i think it's very sweet and i am totally jealous

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 13:11:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

i feel bad, i didn't like silvr's/sugrpuss's fiction
i thought 1 was a fair rating

i was gonna rate less but i decided to stay away instead in case someone attacked me from not liking a bit of fiction.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2011-02-08 13:06:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 13:04:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

thats what I thought Pheely.
c'mon Slver no need to make stuff up, we still think you're cool.
I'm sure in your time there's been many...um, women, that you've had on your arm.







(or locked in the woodshed, whatever)

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 12:59:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0


fallen, we all know it's silvr's alter. there are no women where silvr lives - they've all been murdered and hacked to pieces or have such full beards they pass as men.

i bet silvrs looking for some random net pic now so he can camwhore sugr. we'll know as soon as we see it and she has all her teeth and isn't skinning roadkil it's not real.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 12:53:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Silvr, dude
she's not real is she?
she's just your alter right?
there's no boobies there is there?

it's ok man, you can tell me.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 12:51:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

i feel like a pawn in your dirtiness

bet you have the kind of romance tarantino makes fims about

'you been talkin' 'bout me on uber again, nasty boy'

'no mommy'

'you want me to wash out that dirty mouth of yours, huh?'

*thrusts 36C in silvrs mouth*

'that's how we wash the mouths out of naughty boys'

**i am assuming sugr is always lactating and is one of a plethora of talents

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 12:42:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ooo! Ooo! I've been dying for someone to ask about them! Oh happy day!

She has the most awesome nipples! Areolae are perfect-sized and not too dark. They snap erect with the slightest stimulation, including just talking in her ear (I've a bit of a baritone voice). I can get her off just by playing with them. They're perched atop beautiful 36C breasts, too, that protect my arm from the dream demons while I sleep.

The best part is that talking about this on Uber actually increases my chances of getting laid if she sees it.

This place makes me feel so fucking dirty. I love you guys!

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 12:22:30 EST (#)
Rating: 0

no you're right, you don't, i'm just jealous someone else gets to buzz cut your head and make you rollies.

:(


Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 12:16:36 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Feely: I do NOT e-chat up every female who comes to Uber. That's a blatant lie and I'll thank you to retract it.




So, how've you been? The kids well? I like those shoes! Where'd you get 'em? On sale? No way! Gosh, you're pretty...

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 12:11:16 EST (#)
Rating: 0

lol sugrpuss is your girlfriend? i thought part one was appalling didn't care for part two but i avoided rating it because i am kind.

now, tell us about her nipples, are they supple or do they remind you of over cooked pork?


Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 12:07:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

pull up a chair son,

look, "9 out of 10 people.."
meaning 10 people are present, 9 rape-ers and 1 rape-ee
yes thats 90% but its not funny like that.

not that I find rape funny but this is Uber and all that.

you could say
"three squared, of two less than a dozen people, enjoy gang rape"
but it loses something, yes?

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2011-02-08 12:03:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Too hoth to handle.


And I'll fucking pull up stakes and migrate for turkey pot pie.
It makes me feel loved if I'm talked about when I'm absent.

The girlfriend was fully prepared for the Uber experience. She knew about SilvrWolf before we ever dated. Why she stayed (with me or Uber), I'll never know. She needs to finish Beautiful Flame, though. Dammit, woman! Viktor must die! Make it so.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:59:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:48:23 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

I heard Psygns, she put your newkie ass in its place I saw as well.

-----

Yeah, but her maffs skillz r alot 2b desired.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 11:48:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I heard Psygns, she put your newkie ass in its place I saw as well.

redic: beautiful wildernes, frontier spirit and all that but its AL-ASS-KA
it's the wilderness dude.
people dont live there for a reason

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:47:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't really like it. Much prefer Glasgow. Too many posh folk in Edinburgh for my liking. Where did you visit in the toon ridic? Did you see the car park in Gateshead?

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 11:40:31 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Was there January of '10 not a bad spot really, was one of the stops on my England / Barbarian land to the North of England trip.

Edinburgh = only major city I have ever liked.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:38:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Come to Newcastle ridic, it's always cold.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:35:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am gettin' so Hoth, I wanna take my clothes to Hoth.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 11:34:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

FALLEN, that stung bro... But not that bad considering I don't really follow politics (Read: I haven't the foggiest why Sarah Palin gets so much mud slung her way, and don't really care either.), consider the whole subject an exercise in choosing the lesser of two evils anyhow.

F.J., yeah it played hell on my body, got sick on both flights but I recover quickly and I am definitely a cold climate type, Africa was a move of (not quite) desperation. Almost done here now anyhow, within a year I hope to be back in California preparing to sell my house and then moving and setting up in AK, probably will continue with the overseas working thing though.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:34:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's gettin' Hoth in here, so take Hoth all your clothes.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:33:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

GAH! FALLEN?!!?! Did you hear me sullying the name of your webzlady?

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2011-02-08 11:30:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Writing, yeah, doing what I can anyway.

So Africa to Alaska - do you not like normal weather conditions or something?

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 11:30:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You that big of a Palin fan Redic?

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:29:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've always wanted to live in the Canadian Rockies.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:29:02 EST (#)
Rating: 0

pooped it FJ

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 11:27:39 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Nice - I'll give it a read. Doing good, had my holiday in Alaska, decided for sure I want to move there. Been writing?

http://www.ubersite.com/m/127023

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2011-02-08 11:24:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

No bad. How's yourself?

I wrote a star wars thing on here aaages ago http://www.ubersite.com/m/116828

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 11:21:34 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Hey Bell, how ya been man?

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:19:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:14:20 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0

what is this, war of the roses??

haha i bet the yanks think that is a michael douglas reference.

i'm sorry. that was a terrible thing to say. love you really, pysgns


------

Bloody war of the roses... I went to the big museum in London once - it had a massive old chest full of gold we stole off the red scummy buggers.

I felt proud.

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2011-02-08 11:16:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have no idea what's going on here.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 11:14:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0

what is this, war of the roses??

haha i bet the yanks think that is a michael douglas reference.

i'm sorry. that was a terrible thing to say. love you really, pysgns

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:12:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:11:12 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0

thought you were from lancs

lol

-----

TAKE THAT BACK !!!

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 11:11:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

thought you were from lancs

lol

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:10:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:08:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0

your way sounds retarded though. actually, you stick with your way, it suits you.

*throws psygns some barm cake*

'ere, stick this in t' pie 'ole and shuddup


------

WTP is barm cake?

Google says you actually mean a stotty or bread cake. Or are you a child of lancaster (IE Heathen)?

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 11:08:26 EST (#)
Rating: 0

your way sounds retarded though. actually, you stick with your way, it suits you.

*throws psygns some barm cake*

'ere, stick this in t' pie 'ole and shuddup

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:06:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AND 80% ENJOY POOPING ON OTHER PARTICIPANTS!

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 11:05:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2011-02-08 16:01:02 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0

ugh psygns how can you get that wrong??

surveys show that 9 out of 10 participants enjoy gang rape

*shakes head*

KNOW YOUR RAPE JOKES

----

KNOW YOUR MATHS BIATCH! 9 out of 10 is 90%. FYI.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 11:01:02 EST (#)
Rating: 0

ugh psygns how can you get that wrong??

surveys show that 9 out of 10 participants enjoy gang rape

*shakes head*

KNOW YOUR RAPE JOKES

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:59:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

A survey shows that 90% of participants enjoy gang rape

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:58:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Lol @ orph from morph.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:57:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I wasn't pleading for sympathy and he won't either. Just sayin is all.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:57:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

silbr is wonderful and i am just sorry that he lives too far away for me to start every day by kissing his (bare feet) and fixing him some turkey pot pie.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:56:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i don't have any sympathy for people who quit uber cos of the dickhead punks on here. they shouldn't take it all so seriously.

the reason i wouldn't show anyone in real life is because i'd prefer to keep it from them that i regulary insult people by cursing them with aids or cancer. and that i find rape, on occasion, funny.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:55:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

mind your tongue, orph from morph, Silvrwolf is a fucking bad ass!

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:54:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm trying to get my brother, randyrottenbuckets, to join up. He just moved and doesn't have an internet thingy yet so he'll have to iphone it if he does.

he quit ubering because of jack dicks like he who shall remain unnamed.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:54:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

omg silvrs on uber... i didn't realise... quick, everybody hide!!
he's got a gun and a stabby thing

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:53:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

rimmy eats shit, and silvr's g friend is probably worried if she doesn't pretend to 'dig' uber she won't get paid.
or he'll deflate her.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:52:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no offense, orph from morph, but we're having poop talk here. Supersedes quite a few things

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 10:51:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Rimmy was entertaining -as for Silvr I am jealous of any man who can maintian a relationship after showing someone Uber, hell I wouldn't even think of showing an ex Uber. though I did show my siblings and they weren't impressed... Does that make me the special one? *Retard grin*

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:51:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

if you could make that into a song it'd probably win an oscar and an emmy and go triple plat and revive chimney pooping.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:51:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you rated one?? WELL, I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. Humph.

it's a shame you didn't get eaten by wolves and bears and your nuts didn't freeze off you punk!

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 10:49:51 EST (#)
Rating: 0

beans beans their good for the heart the more you eat the more your poop. The more you poop the better you feel so eat some beans with every meal!

Nah, it's just lame now that I basically stole it from Psygn_language.

How about....

supercalifragilisticexpialapoopcious?

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:48:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i rated your entry, goddammit.

there is no uber gossip, ridic. except there is some ultra annoying turd called rimmy and silvr e chats up or has e chatted up just about every female who has passed through uber. and he shows his g friend uber too which is just peculiar.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:48:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hes propooply in the running for the best poopy-dick

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:47:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, he's not black but he's probably fat. I don't think he's as gifted with his lyrics either.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:47:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

beans, beans the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you poop!

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:46:42 EST (#)
Rating: 0

or Biggie smalls?

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:46:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

kind of looks like beetlejuice.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 10:45:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I will not be dragged into your repoopulous attempts to make Skrap laugh (at poop)!

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:44:43 EST (#)
Rating: 0

who... beetlejuice

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:40:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think he.....I think he's gone planar_of_the_tinglybutt.

I shouldn't have said that.


but definitely don't say his name 2 more times.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:36:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

“I can feel you, Skywalker... Is it touching cloth? Are you pooping bricks?"

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:35:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wh(p)oops

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:35:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0

“I can feel you, Skywalker…”

I bet he can... Darth vader is in fact BUBBA!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 10:33:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Where my poop at, yo?

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 10:29:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You should start cutting yourself... there was a distinct lack of poopage

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 10:25:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well dont start cutting yourself or anything, it was well done.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 10:23:11 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I know FALLEN, I started with the intention of going all Spaceballs on it but I just couldn't... I've failed...
I -2 @ life

Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-02-08 10:17:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think you missed the point Redic, this is a Poots contest, this post is too screenplay-ish.
there needs to be myrth and sadly possible poo.

use mine for example
you know the first entry
*cough* the one Pheely never rated even though she rated all the others *cough*

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 10:12:19 EST (#)
Rating: 0

HOLY!! I'll go drop my +2's immediately and then read them later!

So how are you doing? Have any new kids while I was gone? (I KEED)

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:09:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

OMG YOU MISSED ALL THIS


The Amazing Adventures Of Violet Pie The Spacker Pug (Rating: 1.2 on 41 reviews, last by orphelia 3 days ago)
Submitted by orphelia (View user info) at 2011-02-01 03:38:31 EST

A Brief History Of Uber From My Eye In MS Paint (Rating: 1.48 on 99 reviews, last by X54 4 days ago)
Submitted by orphelia (View user info) at 2011-01-28 07:43:00 EST

Death of a Cavia porcellus (Rating: 1.51 on 51 reviews, last by icarus1987 11 days ago)
Submitted by orphelia (View user info) at 2011-01-26 12:53:54 EST

It's a kind of magic (Rating: 1.89 on 40 reviews, last by czwij 15 days ago)
Submitted by orphelia (View user info) at 2011-01-19 18:05:54 EST

Racism is dead! (Rating: 1.22 on 37 reviews, last by erosion_rules 27 days ago)
Submitted by orphelia

Submitted by Yozz at 2011-02-08 10:06:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've seen this movie too.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 10:03:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

No Ma'am, anything worth reporting?

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 10:00:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hey ridic, did anyone tell you what happened whilst you were gone??

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 09:07:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

we used to play 'smears the queer'.

Submitted by orphelia at 2011-02-08 08:54:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i like this contest

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 08:54:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

lol Iswydt.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 08:52:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no hablo ridiculous atm.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 08:51:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

then 'ah smears 'em with vasaline...

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 08:08:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no no...it's cool it's cool.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 08:07:16 EST (#)
Rating: 0

PHAMATAICTETTBBILCAMBNATSTIMC

Got it...
Repost in progress.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 08:05:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 07:36:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I mean

*clears throat*

"the force surrounds us, it binds us, and penetrates...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? It's not like it butt pens us. Just a normal moving through your atoms sort of penetrate.

Well, yes the butt does have atoms and I suppose the force does go through the butt but it's no homs so don't get all crazy about it.

I SAID NO HOMS!"

-Ben Kenobi

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 07:32:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you're no daisy ridiculous...

you're no daisy.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2011-02-08 07:05:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome. nuff said.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 07:04:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2011-02-08 07:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

IMPERIAL TROOPS HAVE ENTERED THE BASE,

IMPERIAL TROOPS HAVE ENTERED THE BASE, *cshhhht*
~~~~~
Bah, I couldn't remember if they had assaulted the base or just pummeled it, took a gamble and I lose. I really wish I could have watched the movie to prep for this.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 07:02:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I found it quite hothy.

Submitted by Poots at 2011-02-08 07:02:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

IMPERIAL TROOPS HAVE ENTERED THE BASE,

IMPERIAL TROOPS HAVE ENTERED THE BASE, *cshhhht*

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2011-02-08 06:49:08 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Hothful.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2011-02-08 06:46:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

From memory and information garnered here:
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Battle_of_Hoth
and on associated pages.


Homer: Look at that. I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel
backwards through time.

Mr. Peabody:
Correction, Homer, you're the second.

Sherman:
That's right, Mr. Peabody!

Mr. Peabody:
Quiet, you.

Treehouse of Horror V