Pipe Fiction: a Poots contest thing.Submitted by FALLEN at 2011-03-07 11:27:44 EST
Rating: 1.56 on 22 ratings (22 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Luigi has seen it before. Every time Peach gets abducted by Bowser it wears a little more on his brother. Mario had seemed especially depressed after this last rescue. Luigi felt he spent enough time sulking and took Mario out for breakfast.
The Mushroom Kingdom diner was half filled with customers and the brothers were seated towards the rear so they could speak privately. A cute mushroom waitress delivered their orders and poured them fresh coffee.
Luigi: Thanks a bunch.
(to Mario who is nursing his coffee)
Want a Koopa sausage?
Mario: Naw, I don't eat turtle.
Luigi: Are you Jewish?
Mario: I ain't Jewish man, I just don't dig on terrapin.
Luigi: Why not?
Mario: They're filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.
Luigi: Sausages taste good. turtle chops taste good.
Mario: A sewer rat may taste like pumpkin
pie. I'll never know 'cause even if
it did, I wouldn't eat the filthy
motherfucker. Koopas sleep and root in
shit. That's a filthy animal. I don't
wanna eat nothin' that ain't got
enough sense to disregard its own
Luigi: How about dogs? Dogs eat their own feces.
Mario: I don't eat dog either.
Luigi: Yes, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Mario: I wouldn't go so far as to call a
dog filthy, but they're definitely
dirty. But a dog's got personality.
And personality goes a long way.
Luigi: So by that rationale, if a Koopa had a
better personality, he's cease to be
a filthy animal?
Mario: We'd have to be talkin' 'bout one
motherfuckin' charmin' turtle. It'd
have to be the Cary Grant of turtle.
The two men laugh.
Luigi: Good for you. Lighten up a little.
You been sittin' there all quiet.
Mario: I just been sittin' here thinkin'.
Luigi: (mouthful of food)
Mario: About the last rescue. How many times has it been? Five? Seven? I’m starting to think the Princess gets herself captured on purpose.
Luigi: On purpose? What for?
Mario: You know how chicks love the “bad boy” maybe she’s got something going on.
Luigi: What are you saying here?
Mario: I think she’s fucking him.
Luigi: That’s just crazy..
Mario: Is it? All those times getting kidnapped? Just this last time when I saved her, she had an overnight bag. Who takes the time to pack before getting kidnapped?
Luigi: That’s fucked up, what are you gonna do?
Mario: Quit the life, most definitely.
Luigi takes a bite of food. Mario takes a sip of coffee. From somewhere in the diner a patron call the Waitress.
Patron: Garcon! Coffee!
We see the patron to be a blonde male in a green tunic and hat, with him is a woman in a pink dress.
Luigi: So if you're quitting the life,
what'll you do?
Mario: That's what I've been sitting here
contemplating. First, I'm gonna
deliver this case to Yoshi. Then,
basically, I'm gonna walk the earth.
Luigi: What do you mean, walk the earth?
Mario: You know, like Caine in "KUNG FU."
Just walk from town to town, meet
people, get in adventures.
Luigi: So you decided to be a bum?
Mario: I'll just be Mario, no more, no less.
Luigi: No Mario, you're gonna be like those
pieces of shit out there who beg for
change. They walk around like a bunch
of fuckin' zombies, they sleep in
big green pipes going into the ground
they eat what I throw away,
and dogs piss on 'em. They got
a word for 'em, they're called bums.
And without a job, residence, or
legal tender, that's what you're
gonna be – a fuckin' bum!
The brothers sit there silently staring at one another, when the woman in the pink dress, jumps up on her table and draws back an arrow in her bow. The man in green stands up, holding an enormous lit bomb over his head and says.
Link: Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!
Zelda: Any of you fuckin' pricks move and
I'll execute every one of you
motherfuckers! Got that?!
To Be continued.