Shlongy's Strategy on Cleaning up Ubersite : Vol. 2Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-03-21 10:03:40 EDT
Rating: 1.55 on 33 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Second verse, same as the first.
I think we can all agree - and even if we don't, like I give a good shit - that UberSite is in danger of becoming obsolete. The reason many found this shithole so fascinating in the beginning was...
1) There was lots of interesting stuff to read here and it was a place to post stuff that YOU yourself wrote
B) It was a great place to kill time at work.
It may help if I share a brief history of UberSite with some of the newer registrants.
- bart started it
- Some good writing happened and was posted
- Morons then discovered it
- Pedophiles started spamming and learned how to type "-2" un til their fingers bled
- MickGinny somehow, for no apparent reason, got good ratings and a bunch of hits
- photoshop, hate posts, MSPaint, no content posts, and WTH posts took over from actual stories
- A bunch of retards treat it as their own personal blog
- Poetry made an appearance and 97% of it stank
- Teenage smartasses abound
- It now smells like ass
- Stalkers and internet tough guys permeate the ship
- There's too many alters
- And that pretty much takes us to where we stand today.
Over time, Uber evolved and not necessarily for the better.
Well, as someone who wishes to be "part of the solution and NOT the problem", Shlongy, after a great amount of thought and an even greater number of drinks, has come up with a 5 point plan (could be a 6 or 7 point plan; depends when I get tired of typing) to help cleanse this place of the filth and idiocy that is in danger of turning what was once one of the best internet web sites out there (As voted by "I'm a Geek" magazine readers in November, 2004), into just another Aryan Youth Hate Site.
Here's what I propose, and I am open to all suggestions, comments, love letters, money and hummers from the Uber broads:
1) BAN ALL FOREIGNERS - They seem to be a big part of the problem around here. Think about it...they post primarily when us Americans, who RUN the site, are sleeping...or SHOULD be sleeping.
They speak in "languages" that many of us don't "really" truly "understand", using "words" like "mate", "bloke", "pence", "queue" and "dolque" or "dole". A lot of them also have bad teeth, which kinds of puts a damper on the whole Uber Directory deal. Now, I realize this blanket banning has the potential to eliminate some of the seemingly normal foreign contingent - like your Davros, your MrWolf, and your Soleys - but it is well worth the risk when you consider that we lose Caulincourt, kai, and all of the Australian fags. Personally, I'm willing to allow foreign chicks to stick around, if they e-mail me pictures of themselves naked, but that's because I'm an understanding bloke. I mean, guy.
2) BAN ALL RETARDS - This catagory is also meant to include all of our autistic friends as well. This faction tends to post early and often and many times, not very coherently. They also tend to post things using MSPaint, which is annoying, computer graphics, and bad photoshopping. Cartoon penises spw forth from this grouping like those geysers in Yellowstone Park. Or is it Jellystone Park. Whatever. You either "love 'em or hate 'em" but personally, I hate 'em. I think Habbeb has had two comical posts over the last 278 efforts. Yeah, we'll lose Habeeb, Electro, frap/Sergio and a few of the other retards, but I think it will be well worth it. I never thought I believed in "ethnic cleansing" until I "met" these dipshits on Uber but it doesn't seem like too bad of an idea right about now.
3) BAN ALL TEENAGERS - Let's face it. NONE of you that are over the age of 21 would be hanging out with these teenagers in a bar - that wouldn't be cool - so why should you have to hang out with them in cyberspace? Besides, teenagers, in addition to their shitty complexions, dress like complete dipshits these days; Whoever told them that baseball caps worn sideways, baggy pants where the crotch hangs down below their knees, 7K gold chains and "Allen Iverson" NBA throwback NBA jersey was either cool or would help them with the chicks, was a lying asshole. Or a retard (See Point #2). Adults don't do blunts - we do one hitters - we don't drink "40's" because most of us AREN'T BLACK - and we don't listen to Good Charlotte, Sum 41, nelly, Fiddy Cent or Ashley Simpson. They are ALWAYS on the cell phones that their mommies pay for, which REALLY pisses me off. Probably because cell phones weren't invented when I was a teenager. But I'm not jealous. NosirreeBob. We really don't have anything in common with these wasters of oxygen at all, other than being carbon-based lifeforms, so if they disappear out of Uber - hell, off the planet is even better - I think our life, as "adults" improves dramatically. We'll lose approximately 14,000 Uber users but really, are any of you gonna miss CanucksFan?
These teenagers seem to be among the bigger haters, as a collective demographic, of Shlongy and I figured it out. It's because of "jealousy" and their brains haven't eveolved enough to understand "satire", "irony" and "subtle humor". OR grammar and spelling, but now I'm making an indictment of our educational system and I'm really getting away from the point. That's based on the assumption that I had one.
4) BAN ALL HOMOS - I think we probably have already clipped most of them with catagories 1,2 and 3, but you can't be too careful these days. These Uber mos tend to be extremely bitter for some reason - probably because in addition to striking out with girls all through Junior High, they're now striking out with ghey menz, too - and I'm, quite frankly, sick of the Uber mos auto -2's for all Shlongy posts. Apparently, they're extremely jealous of Shlongy's success with the ladies, although I don't know why this would impact them at all. So say goodbye to that fruitcake Zoidberg. At least now I won't be catching any of that there AIDS from reading one of these rump roaters posts.
5) BAN ALL FATGUYS - What this does is leave a few more megabytes of Hostess products for the rest of us. And God knows I love my Suzy Q's. I realize there's a bit of redundancy here- a lot of our Uber Fat Guys are also foreigners and retards - but I'm just covering all the bases here. Fat Tony will be an exception to this rule because even though the fat fuck REFUSES to spell check, he's been pretty free with the tips on how to "beat the system" and has written some pretty entertaining stuff. Between bites of his Big Mac's. If BigMike plans on sticking around, and lately, he's been on my nerves a great deal, he'd best start hitting the gym. Or it's "sayonara" to you. I wonder where that lardass MickGinny will post his stupid fucking red-haired chick pictures now? Boy, those posts sure are deep, eh?
6) BAN ALL CAMPERS AND SHIT POSTERS - Goodbye WhatTheHell.
7) BAN ALL EMO DWEEBS AND DEPRESSING POSTERS - There's this group of posters who post nothing but depressing stuff, on a weekly basis. I don't want to "name names", but of course, I will. It's your Lojopes, your ainkiras (sp), your other severely depressed posters...like by "letting it out" in a "room full of mostly strangers", they will suddenly "feel better". But what about me? I always feel worse after reading about your broken hearts and your dead relatives. Or pets. Well, at least until I minus 2 you. Then, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. So you actally HELP me get happy, but the abuse I get for minus twoing some broads 18th consecutive story about how the moon makes her sad, because she then thinks about her ex- boyfriend, who left her because of her depressing moods, due to her dreams about her dead Aunt Edna while she longs for her cat, which passed away when she was 6....See what happens? I lost my train of thought. But I think I've made my point, too. Probably. That sure is a lot of words to type and I'm not going back and reading all THAT.
8) BAN ANYONE ELSE THAT SUCKS THAT I MISSED - This is where my fans and listeners, and fellow people who really care about UberSite, come in. Feel free to toss some ideas out there on who YOU would like to see banned. And it's too easy to say "Shlongy" so let's just leave that "joke" in your holster, if you catch my drift.
OK...my fingers are tired. So is my brain. And I'm out of Cheez-Its. This is one of my longer posts so I'd better see some +2's for the effort because it's clear to me, that I care about Uber and am only suggesting these changes for the betterment of UberSite, for YOUR web site enjoyment, and for hits and a positive rating.
Thank you for listening...drive through.