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My Day Of Bums

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-04 15:13:06 EDT
Rating: 1.6 on 10 ratings (17 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Last Sunday I woke up earlier than is my usual wont. Being up so early, and it being a nice day, I figured I'd go for an early morning walk and maybe get some breakfast at the end of it. And so I set my course for The Highland Grill, which is a restaurant in St. Paul that I favor and which is an appreciable yet not insurmountable distance from my house.

As I usually do when I walk somewhere, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigar which, admittedly, zeroes out the health benefits of walking places. I get down near to the restaurant and the end of my cigar and I toss the butt into the sewer grate in preparation to entering the restaurant. All of a sudden I hear a voice saying "Hey, you shouldn't do that." I look around and there is this girl sitting there on the sidewalk begging for spare change and kind of eyeballing me.

"Shouldn't do what?" I say.

"You shouldn't throw tobacco into the sewer", she says. "It'll run into the Mississippi and poison the fish, or get into the ground water."

"Really."

"Yeah, you should pay attention to those things."

"Well, tell me this, if you're so smart, how come you're begging for change on the street corners?"

She stands up "Hey, F*&@ you, man." she says. She's maybe five feet tall at the most and if she weighs a hundred pounds it's because she's soaking wet and has a brick in her pocket, but she still looks like she's about a hair away from handing out ass-whuppins.

"Eh, you're kinda young for me." I say. "I'll buy you breakfast, though, if you're hungry." She's a little skittish, but she follows me into the restaurant and I stake her to breakfast. After talking to her a bit, a to-go container with another meal in it finds it's way into her possession as well. As we're leaving the restaurant, I give her a card that has the phone number and address of a women's shelter that a friend of mine runs.

Later that day, I'm in a nearby part of the city, having stopped at a strip mall to pick up some odds and ends. I'm coming out of the liquor store when I am accosted by another bum, a late middle-aged black man who has somehow managed to get his eyeballs to point to two entirely opposite directions at the same time. As impressive as this sounds, it is not nearly as singular as his wardrobe, which consists of nothing but a pair of denim shorts that are way too short and one sandal.

"I'MA AXE YOU A QUESTION!" he bellows. In a (slightly) quieter tone he adds, "...and you can't look down on me because I'm black!" Of course, paragon of maturity that I am, the first thought that pops into my head is "Well, I wasn't planning on it, but now that you've told me I'm not allowed to, I kind of want to." I did not share this insight, partly from discretion, and partly through not being able to get a word in edge-wise. He capped off a somewhat involved peroration about being chased by "things" living in the sewer(and, no doubt, being poisoned by cigar-butts)with a request for spare change. I was unable to grant his wish and he wandered off again, possibly to look for his other sandal.

Later still, as I was sitting on a park bench watching people go to and fro and watching the ducks harass each other for the scraps left by the people I was approached by another man. "Excuse me, sir" he says.

"Yes...?"

"I bet you think I'm going to ask you for change, don't you?"

"The thought had crossed my mind."

"Well, I'm not. But if you had a spare hundred thousand dollars on you, I could use that, get me one of them lake houses. I'd even let you stay in the guest house for free."

Personally, I thought that was kind of clever, so I ended up giving him a couple of bucks. Although I am generally inclined to give hand outs to bums, depending on my mood and circumstances, I still like to see some ingenuity put into it, you know? I tend to like a little entertainment or a good story for my bum dollar. It never hurts your chances.


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Submitted by kgbpasha at 2012-06-22 08:53:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I don't hand bums money either...
or really anything anymore.

This is due mostly to the last bum that asked me for change.
I said no. I was heading for a classy lunch at McDonalds and
couldn't be bothered at the time.
Then I thought, that bum is probably hungry, so I bought him
a cheeseburger and walked over and handed it to him.
He opened it up and then said, "No thanks, how 'bout a Filet-O-Fish?"

I think this is where the term 'Beggars can't be choosers' comes into play.
I told him to go fuck himself.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2012-06-08 10:05:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by X54 at 2012-06-07 00:43:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That was worth 2 bum points.

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2012-06-05 09:46:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I tend to like a little entertainment or a good story for my bum dollar.
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I think I have shared this before...I was at a stop light down in Denver, and there was a guy holding a sign that stated "Out of work train robber, need money for a horse". think I gave him 3 or 4 dollars for that one.

I rarely give cash. I once gave a bum a pack of cigarettes, and another time gave a bum my fries from whatever drive thru I had just visited.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-05 08:02:06 EDT (#)

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-05 06:15:08 EDT (#)
...
I've often thought, though, that if I were a hobo of some sort, MN is one of the last places I'd do it in. I'd find a way to get my carcass down to Florida, or Louisiana, or Arizona or somewhere where I didn't stand a good chance of freezing to death 6 months out of the year.
-----
Rookie mistake. It's hot and humid in FL in summer and if you're living outside you can die about as easily as you can freezing in Chicago. A lot of the bums in FL do the same thing that rich retired folk do: migrate north when it gets hot and come back when it's too cold up there. Hobos still ride trains, you bet. If you have a home in FL and a home up north, you're a 'snowbird'. If you don't have a home either in FL or up north but you migrate anyway, you're a 'snowbum'. That's what they're called. Snowbums.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-05 06:15:08 EDT (#)

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-06-05 02:25:48 CDT: Why the fuck are there so many homeless people in your town? Is that normal? The fuck. Enjoyable read though.
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I live in the Twin Cities. Outside of Chicago, it's probably the biggest urban area in the Midwest. So yeah, there is a certain percentage of skells you can kind of count on being sort of generally around.

I've often thought, though, that if I were a hobo of some sort, MN is one of the last places I'd do it in. I'd find a way to get my carcass down to Florida, or Louisiana, or Arizona or somewhere where I didn't stand a good chance of freezing to death 6 months out of the year.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-06-05 03:38:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

this is completely unlike the days of bums i've been having

Submitted by DeMoNiC at 2012-06-05 03:25:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Why the fuck are there so many homeless people in your town? Is that normal? The fuck. Enjoyable read though.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-06-04 18:32:43 EDT (#)

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-04 17:43:51 EDT (#)

They're already starting to roust the bums in Tampa ahead of the Reptile Convention. Saw one last week near the Convention Center
I gave him a buck to suck him. They rousted him anyway, so I took him home and ate him.



Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-04 18:23:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Although I am generally inclined to give hand outs to bums, depending on my mood and circumstances, I still like to see some ingenuity put into it, you know? I tend to like a little entertainment or a good story for my bum dollar"

I also am inclined to ask if I may photograph them with their homeless canines.. :)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-06-04 18:01:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Well, at least you're TRYING....

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-04 17:43:51 EDT (#)

They're already starting to roust the bums in Tampa ahead of the Rep Convention. Saw one last week near the Convention Center with a sign that read "I used to work in an office but Obama got me this green job outside" I gave him a buck for that bit of funny. They rousted him anyway, apparently, since he wasn't there today.

Submitted by Snark at 2012-06-04 16:12:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"a late middle-aged black man who has somehow managed to get his eyeballs to point to two entirely opposite directions at the same time."

The aforementioned skill is called "Derping".

The Urban Dictionary defines it as the following:

Derp
Herp da derp derpa derp. A derpity

derpity herpa derp derp. Derp derp

derp. A herp derp herpity derpity derp.
Derp 1: Herp derp?

Derp 2: Derp.

Derp 1: Derpa herp derp derp?

Derp 2: Derp...

--------------------

Some famous Derpers are:

Hugh Jackson
George W Bush
That Fucking Asshat from those emo chick vampire movies.

For more information on the North American Derp, or to find the location of Derpers near you:

http://memebase.cheezburger.com/derp?OnoBetaNewUserRedirect=true


















Your welcome

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-04 15:51:36 EDT (#)

I would normaly go all uber is not your blog on you but since beggers can't be choosers with the lack of posts, I won't.






beggars..... see what I did there?
fuck, I'm so witty.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-04 15:45:31 EDT (#)

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-04 14:39:24 CDT: If you EVER fucking type " F$%&*#" or some shit like that again, I will -2 you till you forget your name.
************************************************************

I don't usually but I had originally written this for my blog, and my mom and my little cousins sometimes read that, so I moderate my language. Forgot to change it back when I posted it here.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-04 15:41:06 EDT (#)

i'm usually a suck for the "I wont lie, I need a beer" sign

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-04 15:39:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

two things to remember
1. the last person that hung out with bums got his face ate.
2. If you EVER fucking type " F$%&*#" or some shit like that again, I will -2 you till you forget your name.



Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and
old people are useless.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Vigilante