You Really Should Watch These Movies At Some Point In The Near FutureSubmitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-15 06:43:30 EDT
Rating: -1.17 on 6 ratings (23 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
When it comes to movies, I have pretty specific and yet fairly general tastes. I'm not generally one for sensitive films about oppression, indie films about hipster douchebags, or movies where women talk about their feelings constantly. I want to see zombies and vampires and shoot-outs and explosions and dudes getting their heads chopped off and hot chicks in bikinis driving expensive sports cars at recklessly unsafe speeds. That's because I don't generally get those things in my everyday life, whereas twenty-something whiners in tight pants with Causes are something of an epidemic. I don't need to pay to see that, all I need to do is walk a block to a coffee shop.
With that in mind, I've got a list here of movies. Movies that I feel are over-looked and/or under-appreciated. I know that taste is fairly subjective, but that's why I'm here. I'm like the Pitchfork Media of movies: I tell you what to think so you don't have to. Are they all great, four-star Oscar winners that will move you emotionally and cause you to re-examine your life and beliefs? No. Are they entertaining? Yes. And really, that's all I ask for from a movie, an hour and a half or two hours of entertainment. I don't need to re-examine my beliefs, my beliefs are fine right where they are.
The Crow:Wicked Prayer - It's got the kid who played a wanna-be Nazi in American History X, Tara Reid, and the guy who played Angel in (go figure) 'Angel' and plays Booth in 'Bones'. Plus, it's got Dennis Hopper as some sort of satanic gangster/pimp. The movie follows the basic premise of every other Crow movie i.e. guy is in love, guy and his girl get killed, guy comes back for revenge. You get some great shots of the Southwest, the writing is fairly clever in spots and all-in-all, not a waste of your time. It's a good late-night, rainy afternoon movie.
Gabriel - This movie is so noir it hurts. Everything is dilapidated, and run-down, and it's always raining at an eternal 3AM. The movie involves angels, and demons, and Purgatory, and lots of automatic weapons being fired at all and sundry. The theology is way, way off, but hell, what were you expecting from Hollywood?
The Mutant Chronicles - Sci-fi zombie movie. Lot of surprisingly big names in this one. Well-made, well-done, well-acted, I don't know why this didn't get a wider release. Ron Perlman plays a mutant-zombie killing monk who has a plan to save the world, and Thomas Jane plays a burnt-out soldier who's ordered to help him. These two guys alone can usually sell me on a movie because even if the movie is a stinker, they're still worth watching.
Outlander - It's a 'the-story-behind-the-story' version of Beowulf, basically. Jim Caviezel is an alien soldier whose ship crashes in 8th century Scandinavia. The big beastie that had stowed away on his ship escapes and begins to wreak havoc on the local Vikings, and he's got to help them kill it. In short order he kills the monster, gets the girl, and becomes king of the Vikings. The clowns at RottenTomatoes only gave this a 30%, but they must been high or something, because it is way batter than that.
Wolfhound - Basically a Russian version of Conan. It's got all your swords-and-sorcery barbarian movie staples. You got your evil wizard, your beautiful maidens, your shifty grand vizier, your comic sidekick, and of course, your Hero. Nothing new, or original, or ground-breaking, but it does put it all together fairly cleverly. It clocks in a little long, but not obnoxiously so. The English dubbing is way off, so just use the subtitles. Yeah, I know, if you wanted to read you wouldn't be watching a movie, guess you're going to have to suck it up there, princess.
Mega-Shark v. Crocosaurus - The sequel to Mega-Shark v. Giant Octopus, a film that may itself contain one of the greatest moments in cinema history. Rest assured, the sequel is a worthy successor. You know how when you pull something out of the back of the fridge and take a whiff and it smells really bad, your first instinct is to hand it to someone close by and say "Here, smell this"? This is a terrible, terrible movie and you should watch it right away. Plus it's got Steve Urkel in it.
Sharktopus - Another giant monster eating people movie, this one is equal parts awesome and retarded. It involves a genetically altered shark that has had tentacles from a genetically altered octopus genetically grafted to it via the miracle of Genetic Engineering. 'Genetic engineering' is to bad sci-fi movies of the 21st century what 'radiation' was to bad sci-fi of the 50's. Also, the film-makers seem hilariously unaware of the fact that tentacles are not the same as legs.
Metamorphosis - It's a direct-to-DVD vampire movie, so you know already going in that it's not going to be Schindler's List. You keep that in mind and it's pretty enjoyable within it's limits. The two main characters are fairly good actors, and Christopher Lambert is always fun to watch, if only because he rarely appears to be taking himself or his role seriously. He stars in a lot of these kind of movies, and usually gives the impression of being the only one in on the joke. If you've ever seen an episode of The Twilight Zone or heard a ghost story before, the 'twist' is fairly easy to figure out.
The Witches Hammer - It's your basic 'I was attacked by vampires but somehow survived and got recruited by a shadowy government agency and now I'm out for revenge' type of deal. This one is definitely somewhat amateurishly done, but it is entertaining and it holds your attention. And if nothing else, you do get to see a midget vampire beaten with a frying pan like he owes someone money, so there is that.
There you have it. These aren't movies about the triumph of the human spirit that will challenge your beliefs and perceptions and forever change the way you see the world and the people in it. But they do have giant monsters, comical special effects, kung-fu, gun-fu, vampires, hot chicks, general bad-assedness and they're all pretty much a fairly entertaining hour and half to two hours, so it's not like you're missing out. Besides, would you rather watch Sean Penn be a retard(something he's prone to do off-screen as well), or be entertained?