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You Really Should Watch These Movies At Some Point In The Near Future

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-15 06:43:30 EDT
Rating: -1.17 on 6 ratings (23 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When it comes to movies, I have pretty specific and yet fairly general tastes. I'm not generally one for sensitive films about oppression, indie films about hipster douchebags, or movies where women talk about their feelings constantly. I want to see zombies and vampires and shoot-outs and explosions and dudes getting their heads chopped off and hot chicks in bikinis driving expensive sports cars at recklessly unsafe speeds. That's because I don't generally get those things in my everyday life, whereas twenty-something whiners in tight pants with Causes are something of an epidemic. I don't need to pay to see that, all I need to do is walk a block to a coffee shop.

With that in mind, I've got a list here of movies. Movies that I feel are over-looked and/or under-appreciated. I know that taste is fairly subjective, but that's why I'm here. I'm like the Pitchfork Media of movies: I tell you what to think so you don't have to. Are they all great, four-star Oscar winners that will move you emotionally and cause you to re-examine your life and beliefs? No. Are they entertaining? Yes. And really, that's all I ask for from a movie, an hour and a half or two hours of entertainment. I don't need to re-examine my beliefs, my beliefs are fine right where they are.

The Crow:Wicked Prayer - It's got the kid who played a wanna-be Nazi in American History X, Tara Reid, and the guy who played Angel in (go figure) 'Angel' and plays Booth in 'Bones'. Plus, it's got Dennis Hopper as some sort of satanic gangster/pimp. The movie follows the basic premise of every other Crow movie i.e. guy is in love, guy and his girl get killed, guy comes back for revenge. You get some great shots of the Southwest, the writing is fairly clever in spots and all-in-all, not a waste of your time. It's a good late-night, rainy afternoon movie.

Gabriel - This movie is so noir it hurts. Everything is dilapidated, and run-down, and it's always raining at an eternal 3AM. The movie involves angels, and demons, and Purgatory, and lots of automatic weapons being fired at all and sundry. The theology is way, way off, but hell, what were you expecting from Hollywood?

The Mutant Chronicles - Sci-fi zombie movie. Lot of surprisingly big names in this one. Well-made, well-done, well-acted, I don't know why this didn't get a wider release. Ron Perlman plays a mutant-zombie killing monk who has a plan to save the world, and Thomas Jane plays a burnt-out soldier who's ordered to help him. These two guys alone can usually sell me on a movie because even if the movie is a stinker, they're still worth watching.

Outlander - It's a 'the-story-behind-the-story' version of Beowulf, basically. Jim Caviezel is an alien soldier whose ship crashes in 8th century Scandinavia. The big beastie that had stowed away on his ship escapes and begins to wreak havoc on the local Vikings, and he's got to help them kill it. In short order he kills the monster, gets the girl, and becomes king of the Vikings. The clowns at RottenTomatoes only gave this a 30%, but they must been high or something, because it is way batter than that.

Wolfhound - Basically a Russian version of Conan. It's got all your swords-and-sorcery barbarian movie staples. You got your evil wizard, your beautiful maidens, your shifty grand vizier, your comic sidekick, and of course, your Hero. Nothing new, or original, or ground-breaking, but it does put it all together fairly cleverly. It clocks in a little long, but not obnoxiously so. The English dubbing is way off, so just use the subtitles. Yeah, I know, if you wanted to read you wouldn't be watching a movie, guess you're going to have to suck it up there, princess.

Mega-Shark v. Crocosaurus - The sequel to Mega-Shark v. Giant Octopus, a film that may itself contain one of the greatest moments in cinema history. Rest assured, the sequel is a worthy successor. You know how when you pull something out of the back of the fridge and take a whiff and it smells really bad, your first instinct is to hand it to someone close by and say "Here, smell this"? This is a terrible, terrible movie and you should watch it right away. Plus it's got Steve Urkel in it.

Sharktopus - Another giant monster eating people movie, this one is equal parts awesome and retarded. It involves a genetically altered shark that has had tentacles from a genetically altered octopus genetically grafted to it via the miracle of Genetic Engineering. 'Genetic engineering' is to bad sci-fi movies of the 21st century what 'radiation' was to bad sci-fi of the 50's. Also, the film-makers seem hilariously unaware of the fact that tentacles are not the same as legs.

Metamorphosis - It's a direct-to-DVD vampire movie, so you know already going in that it's not going to be Schindler's List. You keep that in mind and it's pretty enjoyable within it's limits. The two main characters are fairly good actors, and Christopher Lambert is always fun to watch, if only because he rarely appears to be taking himself or his role seriously. He stars in a lot of these kind of movies, and usually gives the impression of being the only one in on the joke. If you've ever seen an episode of The Twilight Zone or heard a ghost story before, the 'twist' is fairly easy to figure out.

The Witches Hammer - It's your basic 'I was attacked by vampires but somehow survived and got recruited by a shadowy government agency and now I'm out for revenge' type of deal. This one is definitely somewhat amateurishly done, but it is entertaining and it holds your attention. And if nothing else, you do get to see a midget vampire beaten with a frying pan like he owes someone money, so there is that.

There you have it. These aren't movies about the triumph of the human spirit that will challenge your beliefs and perceptions and forever change the way you see the world and the people in it. But they do have giant monsters, comical special effects, kung-fu, gun-fu, vampires, hot chicks, general bad-assedness and they're all pretty much a fairly entertaining hour and half to two hours, so it's not like you're missing out. Besides, would you rather watch Sean Penn be a retard(something he's prone to do off-screen as well), or be entertained?

Review This Item




Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-15 21:55:01 EDT (#)

I saw Stakeland a couple of months ago. It was almost a good movie, and that's a shame, too. There are parts where it feels like they had too many good ideas and instead of sticking with one or two, they tried to shoehorn them all in, and the movie suffers as a result. It also suffers from the common indy-movie failing. A movie can't just be a movie, it has to be a statement, or a message, or have some sort of political hoo-ha about it. In the end, it winds up comparing unfavorably to Zombieland. Although I will say that the sidekick in this one is much less annoying than the sidekick in that one.

Netflix should be sending me We Are The Night this weekend, so we'll see how that goes.

Submitted by Poots at 2012-06-15 21:31:46 EDT (#)

Who would want to be such a control freak?

Submitted by Snark at 2012-06-15 18:57:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The right kind of B movies make the world go round.

Here's a couple for you:

INK - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1071804/

Stakeland - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1464580/

We are the Night - http://www.imdb.com/title/

Martyrs - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1029234/

I've never seen Wolfhound. I'll check it out.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2012-06-15 16:58:06 EDT (#)

I haven't seen any of those movies.

And I NEVER will.

Submitted by indoninja at 2012-06-15 16:51:19 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-15 10:05:24 EDT (#)

Machete: naked spanish chick stabs Trejo in the leg then pulls a cell phone out of her pussy to call more bad guys.

BOOM- Holywood no longer needs to make another action film ever

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-15 10:03:40 EDT (#)

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 08:00:06 CDT: any john wayne film is fantstic, westerns are my weakness.

I've never seen a John Wayne movie that wasn't worth watching, even the one where he plays Genghis Khan.

Machete is a hoot. Hobo With a Shotgun is like some sort of grisly multi-care pile up. You know you shouldn't be staring, but you can't help yourself.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-15 09:57:49 EDT (#)

Bet they're not, and you're talking to a guy who sat in a movie theater for 12 hours straight watching all five original Planet of the Apes movies so you may rest assured that I know fine films when I see them. Good times. And, wait, AND... who owns the PotA 6-disc cdollector's set on DVD today.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-15 09:50:46 EDT (#)

you are missing out skrap, Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun are are two fine films

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-15 09:33:03 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

That's like 18 hours of my life I'd never get back. Naga happen.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-15 09:23:48 EDT (#)

you have a son named Duke?

everyone though it was 400 children, sadly no internets back then to check. a whole generation though Kenny Rogers was a sex-machine.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 09:18:39 EDT (#)

also, for years i thought his name was martin polly. oh the things you mishear as a child.
you picked a fine time to leave me lucille, 400 children and a crop in the field.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 09:17:30 EDT (#)

quote all you like, i named my child after the protagoist, i win. :p

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-15 09:11:16 EDT (#)

me? no, never </innocent>

"Stand aside Martin!"

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 09:07:14 EDT (#)

fallen you know the searchers is my no 1 you are such a cheat :P and i love love love stagecoach for all the wrong reasons

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-15 09:04:25 EDT (#)

The Searchers FTW

The Sons of Katie Elder also

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 09:00:06 EDT (#)

any john wayne film is fantstic, westerns are my weakness.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-15 08:48:21 EDT (#)

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 07:31:24 CDT: https://www.ubersite.com/m/124906


'The Quiet Man' is one of my all time favorites, right up there with 'Sands of Iwo Jima' and 'The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.' 'The Third Man' is a pretty decent film as well.

Submitted by Poots at 2012-06-15 08:43:58 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

I'd watch these movies after a I had my butthole cauterized completely shut.

I'm just joking. Are you frankthebear?


Some of those are fun to watch because they are awful and if you haven't seen machete then you are doing yourself a disservice. Seems like the type of movie you'd enjoy. Also every single mstk 3k and the rifftrax of roadhose and twilight are fun. I'm sure the other rifftrax are equally awesome I just haven't seen them.

Dead Alive....meet the feebles......I just watched American League yesterday and got emotional at the end of it.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-15 08:31:24 EDT (#)


i have seen two of these here films and they were a bit wank.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-06-15 08:23:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

When it comes to movies, I also have pretty specific tastes and they definitely don't include christopher lambert and/or vampires. ugh.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-15 08:03:18 EDT (#)

Shlongy doesnt watch movies any more. Ever since he paid to see "Holes" and it was nothing like he was expecting.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-06-15 07:58:16 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

We have the opposite taste in movies. The stuff that you like, I have zero interest in ever seeing, much less reading about.

Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for
diseases she doesn't even have.

Lisa's Pony