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In My Day, You Had To Work For Your Nudity

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-21 11:48:26 EDT
Rating: 0.66 on 13 ratings (39 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I remember back when I was a kid, seeing a naked woman was a Big Deal. This was back before everybody had cable television in every room of their house and could watch streaming video on their cell-phones and was connected to the Internet every day in every way. If you were an average 13 year old, your avenues to gawk at the mysteries of the female body were extremely limited.

I remember when I was 13, a couple of friends of mine and I found a quarter of a Playboy in a field near my house and we talked about that for three months. And in that quarter of a magazine there were two pictures, one where the girl was topless but still had her shorts on, and one where she had lost her shorts, but was standing with her back to the camera, so all you saw was her hinder. And that's my point. It's been 16 years since I saw those pictures and although I can't remember when my niece's birthday is, I can remember those pictures exactly, because it was something special. Unless you watched an 'R' rated movie or were one of the lucky kids whose parents had cable, you were kind of SOL on the nudity front.

Nowadays, kids don't have to work for their naked pictures, and like anything else you don't have to work for, they don't appreciate it as much. All you have to do is type something into Google Images, and chances are, one of the first search results returned will be some sort of sex picture. Hell, anymore, you have work harder to avoid it than you do to find it. And so kids get de-sensitized and jaded.

Which I think accounts for the rise of all the weird fetishes you see nowadays. By the time they're thirteen, kids nowadays are bored with just seeing tits or some girl's naked hinder, so they have to go looking for more and more weirder and weirder stuff. Stuff that even Hustler, which back when was the dirty magazine that even dirty magazines thought was dirty, wouldn't print. Pretty soon the kid can't get off unless he's watching a Care Bear dressed as The Gimp from Pulp Fiction throw bananas at a Japanese girl who's chained to a wall wearing a Nazi uniform. And then once he develops an actual relationship, he's always going to be unsatisfied because what are the odds he's going to be able to talk his girlfriend/wife into that?

All I'm saying is that nudity is like moonshine. A little bit of it never hurt anyone, but too much too often warps your mind, makes you act weird, and nobody wants you around. That, and it never hurts a kid to have to work for what he wants, it's good training for the rest of his life.

GetOffMyLawnDagnabit.png
GetOffMyLawnDagnabit.png


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Submitted by DaBeast at 2012-07-08 01:44:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Yeah I remember those days. My luck being what it was, I didn't find a Playboy. I found one of Mom's Playgirls. I'm still traumatized and still wondering how you get a bear to hunch a chick on a picnic table without actually killing her. Someday, I'll answer that question and my sister's funeral will be spectacular.

Submitted by Silent Renegade at 2012-06-25 20:56:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I remember how mind blowing watching fast times a ridgemont high was.....ooooh....pheobe cates.....

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-22 08:52:15 EDT (#)

the greatest business mind in music EVAR

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-22 08:49:50 EDT (#)

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-22 08:21:12 EDT (#)

Most people don know that it was Ringo that wrote the lyrics, the music, and produced all the Beatles stuff. He's just very modest and didn't want the publicity
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And that whole "mediocre-at-best drummer" routine? Totally faked.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-22 08:21:12 EDT (#)

Most people don know that it was Ringo that wrote the lyrics, the music, and produced all the Beatles stuff. He's just very modest and didn't want the publicity.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-22 01:02:25 EDT (#)

Good grief. I'll get back to you shortly.

Submitted by (Brotherbabycakes) at 2012-06-22 00:04:07 EDT (#)

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-21 11:30:00 CDT (#)

The first Playboy I saw left a huge impression on me.

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On what part of your body???

Submitted by (Brotherbabycakes) at 2012-06-22 00:02:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That's true, you should have to work to become naked like my aunt at the Christmas party...

Submitted by Poots at 2012-06-21 22:37:13 EDT (#)

We are creatures of efficiency and comforts. Imagine what the generation before you said about you generation with your tooth brushes and your fancy pants air conditioning units and your uncrankable cars with their fancy back seats that you don't have to unfold out of some box and can do over 35 miles per hour on their crazy fandagled highways. And what's with those movies with their Mel Gibsons and Danny Glovers who always use that foul devils language...and so on and so forth...I almost put myself to sleep...in short you, sir, are slowly on your way to codgertown.

Submitted by Poots at 2012-06-21 22:28:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Well written though.

Submitted by Poots at 2012-06-21 22:27:40 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Well, this sucked.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-06-21 20:53:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I usually just call your mom.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-06-21 20:18:05 EDT (#)

Yeah I've never understood peoples' fascination with the beatles, they were sub-standard which is why I'm glad john lennon is dead.

Submitted by Director at 2012-06-21 19:49:28 EDT (#)

Lennon had just released "Double Fantasy" when he was killed, which is a great record. Irrelevant? Hardly. Rather, he simply withdrew from public life to spend time with him family, something most of us wish to do as we get older.

Further, there has *never* been a band the equal of The Beatles. Over rated? No. Over exposed I'll grant you, like DANRAN's anus, but that doesn't make them any less magnificent.

So, you know. STFU and such.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-21 19:08:29 EDT (#)

I always thought the Beatles were somewhat over-rated, which is not to say that they weren't important, just that they aren't as important as people make them out to be. And speaking of, by the time Lennon died, he hadn't been relevant in years so people really need to stop riding his jock. You want to fawn over someone fawn over George Harrison, at least he somewhat deserves it.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-06-21 18:50:11 EDT (#)

2005 called to remind everyone that uber sucks shit as much as it always did, only now it sucks shit at a much slower pace.

also skrappy is an ugly fat fuck with a wife-like ferret under his porch.

Submitted by Director at 2012-06-21 18:49:09 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Blow it out your snot hole, Abo fucker. John Lennon was no where near as annoying as your homosexual ass.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-06-21 18:48:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm glad john lennon is dead, he was annoying.

Submitted by Director at 2012-06-21 18:44:35 EDT (#)

1980 always and forever = death of John Lennon in my mind, so no matter what anyone ever says, for the rest of eternity, no matter what else may have happened that was cool, that years sucked tremendous dicks.


Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-21 18:37:49 EDT (#)

1980 called, just to remind everyone that 2012 is even fatter, more stupid, more decrepit, and really is pretty stupid-looking, and also to say that these observations are coming from a year with neon sweatpants, a mullet, and a Camaro.

Submitted by Director at 2012-06-21 18:32:29 EDT (#)

I dunno man. I've been jacking off to pictures of Shlongy's ass for years now and a naked hot chick still gets me randy. So, I mean really, that totally destroys the desensitized argument.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2012-06-21 18:31:16 EDT (#)

warped minds...you said it

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-21 18:10:31 EDT (#)

1980 called. It wants everyone to stop using this joke.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-21 17:08:47 EDT (#)

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2012-06-21 15:45:47: Not on Uber since Urbane left.

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I vaguely remember her. If memory serves, she was kind of foxy.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-21 17:04:27 EDT (#)

Not on Uber since Urbane left.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
blarfffffffff

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2012-06-21 16:45:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-21 12:10:47 EDT (#)

where can I find that care bear banana nazi picture?

======

Not on Uber since Urbane left.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2012-06-21 15:22:15 EDT (#)

I have no intention of fighting with Snark.

He has his opinion just like I have mine. Just because his opinion is totally wrong, devoid of merit, stupid, and makes him seem like an ill prepared reprobate with no verifiable intelligence, common sense, or functioning penis doesn't mean we can't respect that.

After all, everyone is entitled to their horribly incorrect and foolish opinions just as I am to my highly superior and accurate ones.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-21 15:13:34 EDT (#)

Submitted by Snark at 2012-06-21 12:57:41 CDT: Totally disagree. 1956 called. It wants its soapbox back.

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What is it you disagree with exactly? You were never really clear on that point. That there is a lot of fucking porn on the Internet? That too much of a certain stimuli de-sensitizes? That working for something makes you appreciate it more? Or is this just a knee-jerk reaction?

Submitted by Yes at 2012-06-21 15:11:53 EDT (#)

Ubersite, and the world in general, really needs more articles on the best way to objectify women- whether via the prudey shame filled secretiveness of old or the new fangled method of dropped in the deep end, in your face, overexposure of today.


Submitted by Yes at 2012-06-21 14:59:32 EDT (#)

Submitted by Snark: Totally disagree.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns: I couldn't agree more.
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FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2012-06-21 14:32:57 EDT (#)

"nudity is like moonshine. A little bit of it never hurt anyone, but too much too often warps your mind, makes you act weird, and nobody wants you around."
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The same can be said for Ubersite.

Submitted by Snark at 2012-06-21 13:57:41 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Totally disagree. 1956 called. It wants its soapbox back.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2012-06-21 13:18:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I couldn't agree more. My cousin and I kept a penthouse mag in a large ziplock bag hidden in a piece of rusted farm machinery in the woods, and treated it like it was the holy scripture.

And yeah, I've seen some of the Simpsons porn that people put up these days. Fucked up shit man, fucked up shit indeed.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-21 12:30:00 EDT (#)

The first Playboy I saw left a huge impression on me. It had Marilyn Monroe on the cover. It was old and dusty, stashed in the garage by my step father who prolly did not want my mom to know he had it. I was fascinated by MM and wanted to look like her.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-21 12:22:36 EDT (#)

Rule 34

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-06-21 12:15:49 EDT (#)

To illustrate my point, even searching for 'Grandpa Simpson' brought up porn on Goggle Images. Yeah, let that thought sink in. Grandpa Simpson porn.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-21 12:10:47 EDT (#)

where can I find that care bear banana nazi picture?
for science.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-21 12:08:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Pretty soon the kid can't get off unless he's watching a Care Bear dressed as The Gimp from Pulp Fiction throw bananas at a Japanese girl who's chained to a wall wearing a Nazi uniform."


Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-06-21 11:59:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

The fetishes have always been there, my friend, so I doubt the correlation is causal. The advent of the Internet also gave the freaks an outlet.


I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Smithers