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If you're going to put needles in my wrist and fart on my friend, could I at least get a cold beer?

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 10:44:53 EDT
Rating: 1.75 on 16 ratings (33 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

God DAMMIT China sometimes I love you but

A: would it be possible to get some actual food / pills here that isn’t / aren’t completely FUCKING disgusting?

It seems like every day in the paper I read heinous shit about things that are ingested here. Everything is injected with melamine, the ice tea will give you kidney failure, the oil used in hotpot restaurants is either gutter oil or made from decomposing animals, and pills are being found that are made up of powdered human babies (produced in MY fucking province no less). The other day I tried to buy some treats for my students for being so awesome, and I ended up purchasing a bag filled with small individually packed lollies in colourful foil wrappers. The next day I emptied them into a box with a bunch of other shit I’d bought for them, and opened one of them to inspect it. “How strange,” I thought…”they look just like little dried pieces of carrot cake.” I threw one into my mouth completely laissez-faire (like a total moron) and started to eat it…the flavour was suddenly deeply and disturbingly wrong – surpassed only by the equally appalling texture – it was like eating a rancid meat-flavoured sponge. I spit into the garbage and promptly decided that everyone in my office needed to try them..surely these candies cannot have meat in them. I offered one to the first colleague who walked in…a lovely frail man who always looks pissed off and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s menstrual or if it’s just the default expression caused by being vegan. “I can’t eat these,” he said in his lilting vegan-infused voice…”they’re beef.” Of COURSE they are. Jesus fuck China. My students loved them because they are total weirdos – and went completely ape-shit over the durian candies (those disgusting fruits that taste like onions, smell like feet, and are banned in some subway stations).

B: you need to know that massages are not supposed to be synonymous with “inflict as much pain as humanly possible on the giant laowais.”

The other day I went for a massage with two of my colleagues. I was roughed up by a strong little Chinese man who has been nicknamed Obama, while they were assaulted by two petite women called Clubber and Foxy. I spent the entire time close to tears as Obama attempted to massage my internal organs through my ribs and dug his bony elbows into my ass until I was howling with a mixture of laughter at the absurdity and pain at the pain. His hand shoots up to the side of my face and I see his little Crouching Tiger fist giving me a thumbs up. “Oh my GOD this is inSANE go FUCK YOURSELF Obama” I whimpered, to which he answered by letting out a deep laugh, slapping my shoulders, and yelling “OKAY-LA!!! HAHAHAHAHA.” Oh language barrier. I look over at my friend, and see that Clubber has decided to crawl on top of him and dig her elbows and knees into him as hard (and yet as disinterestedly) as humanly possible, before becoming distracted by her phone, sitting on his back, sending a text message, and let out a whopping loud fart. Foxy was brutal…but non farty…and well, foxy.

Finally…C: could you please get some fucking refrigerators in here? I know you all seem to think that cold water is REALLY bad for you but having UNPLUGGED coolers stocked with stuff and knowing that you’re doing it on PURPOSE is reaaaaaaaaaally infuriating.

I went to a doctor last month as I had hurt my back, and rather than prescribe me some good, chemical pain relief, she decided to stick needles into my wrist and make me dance around the room with her while holding her hands for 30 minutes instead. Apparently that wasn’t enough to cure me, so she lit a stick of special plant medicine on fire and blew smoke onto my back. It was the 4th silliest doctors visit I have ever had…bumping down to 5th a very strained conversation during a routine pap smear where I tried to diffuse my awkwardness by responding to “and there’s your labia” by yelling “WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AFRICAN COUNTRY DOING IN MY VAGINA.” The rest of the visit was spent in silence. Anyway, while the “doctor” and I were dancing, she asked me to stick out my tongue, and then to raise it, before rubbing my tummy and telling me that I needed to drink more hot water. What the fuck. When I got the flu last winter, this was the recommended cure given to me by all of my students… “LAOSHUR YOU NEED DRINKING MORE HOT WATER.” I’m skeptical of my students…not because they’re teenagers, but because they choose English names for themselves that are usually just random words like Sure, Even, Maybe, and Tequila...or hooker names like Sweet, Cherry, and Candy. I’m tired of drinking warm water…warm juice, and warm beer. It just. Isn’t. Good.

A summer at home of kayaking and cold drinks is going to be awesome.






Review This Item




Submitted by PrincessToadstool at 2012-07-05 19:14:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2012-07-05 15:15:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Donkey hide gelatin flavor.... do I even want to know that donkey has a flavor.... I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Submitted by Bubs at 2012-07-05 15:09:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

if i hadn't already knocked up a uber broad...

Submitted by simple.catalyst at 2012-06-28 19:05:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2012-06-27 11:58:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was a fucking awesome read. Kudos.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-06-26 04:16:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thank you

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-26 03:26:30 EDT (#)

I have already put in a request for ribs this Sunday as my first dinner back in The Dominion (yes...I called it that). They are the best messy food in the history of mankind and there's a carnivorous satisfaction about leaving a pile of bones on your plate when you're finished.

Mill8178 - I hope your friend has a good time and is working at a place that affords him a decent salary and good vacation time.

Submitted by Mill8178 at 2012-06-26 01:01:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have a friend/coworker who is spending a few years in China, teaching English. He's a good guy, and I miss having him around. I envy the freedom he has to just pack up and move to China with little more than 2 months notice. I miss those days.

Also, I am drunk.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-25 22:45:49 EDT (#)

The squirrels romp gleefully through the oaks on my property until I debrain or deheart them with my ridiculously accurized Ruger 10/22 or not quite so ridiculously accurized Ruger Charger. A bit of knife work and they go skinless, gutless, tailless, and headless into the freezer until there are 10-12 of them. Once there is enough meat, I make chili or stew or smoked rodent a la lanai.

Delicious fact: installing the new smoker this weekend. Lotsa guests showing up for the Independence Day party and I can't not have enough pigribs for everyone, right? I mean, what would The Founders say?

Submitted by corn nugget at 2012-06-25 21:59:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 21:23:57 EDT (#)

How are you killing them? And I would try almost anything once so bring on the chili!

Except for maybe a slagwort beast hock...I imagine it to be an unattractive piggy with loose morals or something.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-25 21:12:40 EDT (#)

Also: Anyone know where I can get a decent fresh slagwort beast hock?

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-25 21:08:01 EDT (#)

I am. Well, one of them anyway. Want some squirrel chili? Making a fresh pot this weekend, prolly.

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 20:41:36 EDT (#)

Skraps are you the uberboard squirrel eater?

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-06-25 20:29:14 EDT (#)

They're skates. They are related to rays, and they make good soup.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-25 20:26:45 EDT (#)

Ducky, photo CIMG4714.JPG is disturbing! WHAT are these creatures .. dare I ask? I see..eyes and terrible terrible things!!! PUTRID.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-25 20:23:59 EDT (#)

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 17:00:49 PDT (#)

Not all Asians have poo fetishes. Just the Koreans. You can buy poo shaped pastry, poo designed socks and stickers, and there is a large statue of poo on their holiday island. Oh...and that shit steeple game: Dunko...what a horrible horrible game.
That is just SO WRONG! poo pastry GAAAHHHH

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 20:22:10 EDT (#)

Shlongy you giant softy

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-06-25 20:11:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I must be in a good mood today...

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 20:00:49 EDT (#)

Not all Asians have poo fetishes. Just the Koreans. You can buy poo shaped pastry, poo designed socks and stickers, and there is a large statue of poo on their holiday island. Oh...and that shit steeple game: Dunko...what a horrible horrible game.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-25 19:58:16 EDT (#)

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2012-06-25 16:42:34 PDT (#)
Rating: 2

Asians make me feel normal. Maybe I should start posting pictures of my poo again.
Maybe not? :)

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2012-06-25 19:42:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Asians make me feel normal. Maybe I should start posting pictures of my poo again.

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 18:17:25 EDT (#)

Roads: Lake floating is estimated in under one weeks time.

Director: What do you mean by "here?"

FALLEN: The best is goboro (sort of like a sweet and sour pork), mi-fan (rice), and either dee-sen-chien (eggplant) or gambien-do-jiao (green beans and szechuan peppers). As phonetic as possible...my pin yin sucks.

Submitted by Director at 2012-06-25 16:53:55 EDT (#)

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-06-25 14:26:05 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

what a clever title!

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-25 11:59:21 EDT (#)

I want chinese take away now

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-06-25 11:46:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh Ducky, come home and float on the lake.

Damn the rotten meat pills and the brutal small people that massage as if they are tenderizing you for use in tomorrows batch.

Stay safe

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 11:19:38 EDT (#)

-Chicken feet are not BOSH...they're just little bones wrapped in fat and dipped in sauce.

-I think it's technically for "stamina" - much like eating tortured animal meat and drinking snake blood.

-The wall needs some serious repairs...we're all pretty much fucked.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-06-25 11:11:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You do know that little wall was designed not to keep invaders out, but to keep those weird fuckers locked away from the rest of us.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-06-25 11:10:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I went to China once and I thought 'laowai' was a unique nickname given to me specifically.

Also I saw some pretty gross stuff too. Like chicken talons(feet?) and scorpions on a skewer

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-06-25 11:03:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I PREFER my pills to be made of dead babies. They're great for my arthritis.

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-06-25 10:59:32 EDT (#)

4 days until lift-off

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2012-06-25 10:54:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The solution to your problems is simple, get the fuck out of China.

Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I
want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa on Ice