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Bret I don't mean to be harsh but you have no soul at all. Mechanical guitarwork. Yuck
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Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-07-03 10:10:05 EDT
Rating: 1.63 on 12 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

A few years back I joined the militia as a flagbearer/marching drummer. I was so good at the drums that half the time we didn't even march around, and instead got real drunk and partied alot. I was sick of the English. We were AMERICANS. I thought the best way to show my patriotism would be to get drunk and fart a lot. It worked.

I volunteered to join the front lines, but confused some people when I declined to arm myself. Instead I played the shit out of my drums. Musket balls from the faggot English would whiz by my head but I was really into a pretty gnarly solo so I kept playing, unphased. The sonic force of my drumming eventually put a stop to all the gunfire. Even Cannonballs would stop midflight and roll harmlessly to a complete stop well before reaching our army. Eventually the power of my drumming summoned the rock and roll spirits of Molly Hatchet. We put on the most radical rock and roll concert of all time right there on the battlefield. A ton of babes came out of the woods and got real naked while the rest of the militia set up a barbeque. I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement.

Soon enough the rock and roll majesty from our jam reached a crescendo and a ton of bosh fireworks lit up the twilight sky. The English dropped their guns and started jacking off at the power of American Rock and Roll, the Militia started banging all the naked broads, it went down as one of the most radical parties to ever occur on American soil.

And that is how the American Revolution ended. After the English were done crying/jacking off, they picked up their guns and set sail back to Candyland or wherever it is they came from. I was declared president of Rock and Roll for the rest of time and the States, now United by Molly Hatchet and pork ribs, delcared the 4th of July to be a tribute to this momentous party until the end of days.

I gave my inaugural speach, then broke into an incredible drum solo. The force of which propelled me into the sky. I figured I had a pretty sweet drumming pattern to fly me to England, and so off I went, to take a dump on the Queen.

I continue this tradition every 3rd of July. Then drum solo my way back over the Atlantic to drink beer and eat pork ribs and bang broads and jam with Molly Hatchet on the 4th. All across the lands parties of a smaller variety break out and I do my best to get to them all. But if you happen to be at a 4th of July party over the next few days, just remember the reason you're celebrating. And remember the best way to show your patriotism is to drink a lot of beer and fart a lot.

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Submitted by Average_Dan at 2012-07-17 11:02:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've heard bits and pieces about this, but never got the full story until now. Very well told. I will tell me children of this.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2012-07-16 15:57:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Leo Kottke and Earl Scruggs say hi

Submitted by simple.catalyst at 2012-07-05 22:32:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-07-03 18:36:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

when you think about what america's become, perhaps you would've been/we all would've been better off had the english stayed.

for starters, francis black probably wouldn't have gotten so fat.


That's frank black and for your info:

What's with all the handsome grandsons
In these rock band magazines?
And what have they done with the fat ones?
The bald and the goatee'd?

Submitted by simple.catalyst at 2012-07-05 22:30:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-07-03 19:38:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Molly Hatchet and pork ribs... It doesn't get any more BOSH than that.
And yet somehow, it still does.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-07-03 18:36:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

when you think about what america's become, perhaps you would've been/we all would've been better off had the english stayed.

for starters, francis black probably wouldn't have gotten so fat.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-07-03 17:05:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The plan is to be smoking pork ribs and beef brisket by 6am, grilling chicken and corn around 3pm, drinking beer all damn day, and terrorizing the neighbors (that aren't at the party) with like $1000 worth of quasi-serious fireworks after dark. I'll set aside a rocket-propelled beer mug for you if you stop by.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-07-03 13:33:46 EDT (#)

well let's certainly hope it doesn't come to that, because i don't like the French!

I hope you dudes have a bosh 4th of July as well! Remember what I said in this post! Farting for America! FUCK YEA!

Submitted by Poots at 2012-07-03 13:24:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

French roasted pork nipples.

I hope you fare merrily well Bosh. If you don't, I'll come and fart right on you. Maybe even in your mouth as you hang it agape at my French roasted pork nipples.

Bear blasted butthole benders.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2012-07-03 13:02:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No taxation without representation!

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-07-03 12:49:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*nodded in agreement*

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-07-03 11:04:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-07-03 10:22:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

pork ribs
*nodded in agreement*

Selma: It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.

Homer: Take it to the hoop, Selma!

-- Homer Simpson
Principal Charming